Play Test: Stuck in Another World as a Reality TV Contestant

Kingfisher​

"What do you mean it isn't covered? It's called a Total Protection Plan. How can we possibly have different definitions for the word 'total'?"

I was at a small tech shop near my apartment, the same one I'd bought my replacement phone from out of a, clearly misguided, desire to support local business. Since I hadn't been looking for a laptop and cameras this time around, I figured it would be fine to go to whatever was closest.

The man at the counter was somewhere in his late forties and looked like he had probably been bullied by guys like me in high school. Thick, bulletproof glass separated the two of us and forced us to speak through a small, perforated vent that let only the barest amount of sound through. His name tag read 'Denni' below the word 'owner', and he was wearing a cruel little smirk, happy to wield what little power he had in his life over me.

"It covers all repairs, sir, and there's just…no way we could repair this." He held up my mangled phone. Fragments of the screen flaked off.

Internally, I conceded that he wasn't technically incorrect, but that was beside the point. "Dude, you, personally, sold me this phone not even twenty-four hours ago. I asked you if the protection plan actually covered everything or if it was a marketing speak and you said, and I quote, 'Total Protection means you are totally covered. Anything happens, bring it back, no questions asked.'"

He shrugged helplessly. "The contract you signed was very—"

I slapped the counter and pointed my finger at him threateningly. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I was happy for the opportunity to test out my new, all-original stealth Stance. "Motherfuck the contract, man. You gave me your word, that's what matters here. 'No questions asked,' remember?"

"If I misspoke yesterday, then I apologize, but I still can't help you out."

Deep breath, James, I told myself. Just be glad the new Stance is working as intended.

"Look, Dennis—"

"Denni," he interrupted, pointing to his nametag.

"Denni. Sorry, I thought you might have been too stupid to spell your own name. Do you really want to do it this way, Denni?"

He gritted his teeth and narrowed his eyes. "I don't follow, sir."

"I don't judge a man by how he treats his betters, Dennis—"

"D—"

"Shut up, it's a dumb name anyway. I judge a man by how he treats his peers and his subordinates, so I'm going to ask you again. Do you really want to do it like this? 'Cause I don't live far from here, brother. Are you really about to fuck over a neighbor for twelve-hundred dollars?"

"First of all, I don't live in this dump of a neighborhood. Second, are you threatening me?" Denni lifted up his shirt, exposing a pistol on his hip. "Because I don't think you want me to start feeling threatened, brother."

"Ha! Believe me, you'd know if I was threatening you. I'm going to ask you one last time, and then what happens, happens. Are you going to be a dickhead about this?"

Denni said nothing, drew the gun, and placed it on the counter in front of him as a response. I shook my head with a smile, genuinely grateful he'd made this decision so painless. "Whatever, man. I suggest you don't let me catch you on your way out of Harbor Hill."

Flashing a gun at a martial artist, eh? Well, if he wanted to play like he was in the Underworld, then it was my duty as a youxia to let him know what to expect. Hopefully, he'd reevaluate his life and turn things around before it was too late. Still shaking my head, I walked out of the store.

"Read the contract next time, dumbass!" He yelled as the door was closing.

Other members of the Underworld – most of them, I'd hazard – would have done physical harm over such an insult. Denni had not only lied and screwed me out of what was a significant amount of money to me, he'd invited me to fight him by flashing a gun, and he'd shown me absolutely no face. I was in my right to kill him over that by many standards, but I was a nice guy, and he was only acting like this because of my new Stance.

I left Chinatown in a hurry after the mess with the Peach, using the Crouching Tiger Stance and my Sash to get the hell out of there without further incident. Outside of the blocks my mother claimed as her sovereign territory, the roofs had been crowded with Triads and a few more ominous figures I would have liked to investigate under better circumstances.

One of the latter had been standing atop St. Lucia's, a two-century-old, stone cathedral that loomed over the edge of the neighborhood. He, or maybe It, had looked like an elderly man in a plain brown robe, but the lighting cast on him had a subtle wrongness that put the creature firmly in the uncanny valley. I paused on a lamppost nearby to squint at its strangely shadowed face, but when its head had begun to slowly ratchet towards my direction in little, almost mechanical jerks, I decided that, nah, it wasn't worth it and fucked off as fast as I could to Harbor Hill. The Hakkotsu no Ha had seemed to project disappointment and hunger from where it was tied to my back, further reassuring me that I was making the right decision.

The sensation of being watched chased me all the way to Harbor Hill and I could almost hear the creaking of that thing on the church's neck anytime I made a sharp turn. Once in the comfort of my basement apartment, I, somewhat desperately, scanned through the Base Upgrade Catalog and wasted no time in throwing all five of the Tokens I'd received from the Producer Care Package, as well as another 50 Experience for a sixth, to buy the Upgrade 'Suzakumon, the Burning Gate'. It was a spiritual ward, a gate between my home and the Divine World capable of incinerating uninvited spirits and injuring or turning away lesser gods. More importantly in that moment, the fires of Suzakumon were said to burn bright enough to blind those who tried to see beyond it. I liked the security and the thematic cohesion enough to justify the purchase. It meant that the apartment, while still fairly rinky-dink in the physical realm, was now nice enough to no longer receive any discounts on Upgrades, but the peace of mind was worth it.

With that, the 'Peach Incident' finally felt finished. Oh, I was sure the consequences would continue to roll in, but for now, I could put it aside and turn to the matter at hand, my meeting with the Crane Triad.

Tonight, I was invited to a club opening downtown where I'd be meeting with the elusive higher-ups in the Cranes. Unlike Boss Gao, the former leader of the Tigers, who had been a staple and an open secret for over fifty years in the neighborhood, the leadership of the Cranes was unknown to me. I didn't even know who their current street-level Captains were – an impressive feat of operational security in a community as tightly-knit as Chinatown's. Last I'd heard, from back when I was in high school with some junior members of the org, ground operations were handled by 'Tan' Liu and 'Fat Frog' Hsieh, but I didn't know if either were still in the city or even alive for that matter. The Cranes didn't post their business on social media, and the junior members had all grown up and learned to keep their lips sealed, or were dead and had no choice in the matter.

In my Meditation Chamber, I contemplated my glaring weaknesses going into the meeting and identified the following, in order of most to least pressing. One, I was obnoxiously noticeable to anyone with spiritual senses, sometimes from miles away. Two, I couldn't hide my Qi without using the Crouching Tiger Stance and the moment the Tigers learned I'd stolen it, they would fast-track my assassination. Three, I was not socially equipped to maneuver Triad politics on my own; that was supposed to be Davis's character's job. Four, because of my flashy Aura and recent adventures, I was becoming a known quantity, a huge problem for a fighter who relied on being unpredictable.

After an hour of moving meditation, I used Style Maker to create a solution that played to my strengths, making Black City Kung Fu's first Stance. I called it the 'Happy Idiot' and its fully realized version made the Crouching Tiger look positively bitch-made. It did unfortunately require an outrageous amount of Experience to buy into, but that was fine because, unlike the Crouching Tiger, the Happy Idiot was made to be modifiable and personalizable. My future students could build on it just like I had.

First, was the base stance, on its own a powerful defensive tool.

[Minor Feat (Black Harbor Kung Fu)] Happy Idiot Stance

While in this Stance, you may add 3 Dice when dodging, and your total Dice in Presence to any attempts to disguise your intelligence or competence. Attacking while in this Stance instantly breaks the effect and prevents you from reentering it for the remainder of the Scene.

Because of the rule changes that had come with the first Patch, I only needed a total of 3 Dice in Deception and 8 in 'physical-based Performance Skills' to create the next Feat, which I accomplished by finally buying Performance (Acting) to 2 Dice. Since Dance counted towards the total, Annie would only need to be taught how to lie and cheat in order to learn the Feat.

[Major Feat (Black Harbor Kung Fu)] Blissful Assassin

Modifies the Happy Idiot Stance. In addition to the usual effects, when in the Happy Idiot Stance, reduce all incoming physical Damage by 2, and you may add your Presence to any attempts to disguise your intentions. Attacking still breaks the Stance, but you may double your Base Damage if the Attack lands.

Finally came the last two in my Tree, which required buying yet more Skill Dice, including in Meditation. I wasn't sure where Annie would take the Stance in her journey, but I remained focused on Stealth and defense.

[Major Feat (Black Harbor Kung Fu)] Innocuous Oaf

Modifies the Happy Idiot Stance. In addition to the usual effects, when using the Happy Idiot Stance outside of combat, you may attempt to make a Stealth check while out in the open. Use your Presence or Charisma in place of the usual Attribute when making checks in this manner.

[Master Feat (Black Harbor Kung Fu)] Empty-Headed God

Upgrades the Happy Idiot Stance Tree. You have found a path to Nirvana in Ignorance, becoming immune to many psychic effects while in the Happy Idiot Stance, and improving it in the following ways. It becomes impossible to determine your intelligence, competence, or intentions while in the Stance, you may reduce incoming Damage of any type, and your supernatural presence is considered unremarkable unless you are being directly scrutinized in person. Additionally, you may choose to set your Base Damage to 0 in order to remain in the Stance when Attacking. Choosing to break the Stance with an Attack doubles all Damage dealt if it lands.

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All in all, between the Skills and the Feats themselves, it had cost me a staggering 515 total Experience to become the Empty-Headed God, Archon of Himbos, but the Stance worked well enough that an out-of-shape, untrained mortal had felt comfortable openly disrespecting and threatening me. Within the very specific parameters I had set for myself, that was a roaring success.

I relaxed my muscles into a slouch, put a stupid, hapless expression on my face, and made my Aura blend into the Collective Unconscious, embodying the Innocuous Oaf. It was similar to the Crouching Tiger's shifting Qi cloak, but instead of focusing on material reality, it was based on a more ephemeral, greater 'Vibe'.

With a casual wave of an Eagle's Talon, I jumped up and destroyed the camera mounted above the door. The system, I was happy to learn, informed me that such petty vandalism didn't count as an attack. Next, a test of the Feat's limits; Peeking through the dusty, steel-bar-covered windows, I fed my Sash underneath the door and guided it to the camera in the corner of the room, crushing it and yanking it down to dangle from a wire.

Retracting the Sash, I watched to see how Denni would react. Because my Steel-Silk Sash was infused with my Qi, it seemed that he was only capable of noticing the damage once it had withdrawn from the area, though I wondered if that would hold against more capable witnesses.

The bell above the door chimed as I walked back into the store. Denni, who had walked around past the bulletproof glass that protected him from robbers, was inspecting the dangling camera with a look of total confusion. He glanced directly at me as I entered, but his eyes slipped off my face, dismissing me as unimportant and harmless. He had other things to worry about, like what the hell had just happened to his camera.

The steel-reinforced door out of the tiny customers' section into the employees-only area had been left slightly ajar. Smiling widely to myself, I walked through and grabbed a few bags from under the counter, stopping for a moment to pop open the cash register. Placing my Black Card against the cash, I absorbed what little there was inside; it seemed Denni was diligent about not leaving large sums in the register. I'd have to find the safe to get my money back.

That meant it was probably close enough that he didn't need to go to the back with the money. I looked around under the counter and tried the floor tiles until I found one that lifted up with ease, revealing a floor safe. Finally, I could make my dad proud and roll a Lockpicking check! Ma had never let him teach me, but the system had rewarded me with Skill by random chance for my lengthy sex scene with Maki. Putting my ear to the metal, I spun the wheel until I could hear the click of the pins. I probably could have simply extended a telepathic 'pick' inside, but this was much more fun and felt more appropriate for my first time rolling the Skill.

It took three tries, during which Denni actually walked right past me to the backroom, but I got it in the old-fashioned way. The asshole must have been doing good business selling pre-loaded cells and burner SIMs to drug dealers because there were almost twenty-thousand dollars inside. Or he was too cheap to pay for weekly armored bank van pickups, but I didn't think even he was that stupid.

I really had to get myself inside a bank or casino vault, because the Black Card, my very first gift from the Producers, was busted for robberies. It took less than two seconds to absorb the contents of the safe into its secure extra-dimensional storage; the moment it came into contact with the bills they simply ceased to be, leaving in their place a puff of dirt, dust, and whatever microscopic amounts of drugs had been trapped in the fibers.

With my money back and then some, I headed into the backroom, stepping to the side to let Denni pass me as he returned, carrying some tools and a step ladder. He had enough selection that I couldn't just start dumping the contents of the room into my bags, but after a few minutes, I was loaded up with as many of the highest-end phones of various makes and brands that I could carry. My Electronics Skill pinged a few things as odd, there was a rig brute-force decrypting a hard drive for example, that implied Denni was up to more than just repairs and sales, but I was here as a harsh winter storm punishing his hubris, not as an investigator into his wrongdoings. For good measure though, I stomped through the server his cameras and computers were linked to, and crushed his house and car keys into a ball out of spite. He could sit in the fear of retribution as he took a bus home out of Harbor Hill, not only from me but from whomever else I had just doomed him to let down.

"Hope you got good insurance, Dennis," I said as I passed him on my out. He didn't register the comment, too busy replacing the destroyed camera.

Seeing that, I paused and delicately pulled the gun out of his holster, a little worried that he might get jumpy and shoot someone on his way home. I didn't have Pickpocketing and had to rely on Finesse alone, but Denni was a mortal with no business in my World; two Successes were enough to beat out his perceptive ability. Making sure the safety was on, I bent the trigger out of place and put the gun down, smack dab in the center of the store, with the barrel pointed in his direction to make sure he got the message. 'I'm letting you live, dumbass.'

[Hidden Quest Complete!]

Conduct a successful heist.

Reward: 15 EXP, +1 Lockpicking, +1 Electronics

Bonus, Over $50k worth of property stolen: 5XP

[Recurring Quest Discovered]

Conduct more heists to earn unique rewards depending on the value of the stolen property.

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I started laughing maniacally once I was a few blocks away. "Behold, I am the Buddha of Buffoons! Hahahahahaha!"

Holy shit, what a rush! I finally understood why my dad never got a real job or cleaned up his act; that was exhilarating in a completely different way to a fight, and I'd made more than I had in two years of non-union stunt acting gigs in ten minutes.

But back home, with my haul sprawled out on the coffee table and the adrenaline having faded from my system, the guilt came creeping in. Sure, the tech guy had fucked me over and was certainly doing the same to his other customers in similar ways, but all that had been...beneath me, hadn't it? Or was that what the neighborhood needed, some non-violent comeuppance for those exploiting its chronically exploited residents? Had I been Zeus and Hermes visiting him in disguise to test his commitment to hospitality, or was I just another asshole?

"Ugh, where are you guys?" I asked, directing the question at my missing party members. This was a discussion I could only have with them. There was Maki, but I had told her to relax for a little while. I couldn't put this on her, or she'd never loosen up and learn to focus on her own well-being for once. "I'm losing it over here."

The more I reflected on what had happened in the store, the more I felt like I'd been slightly unhinged. Petty revenge was perfectly in character for me; I was a youxia and a hidden master, but that was just it – it was in character for me. Why had I given him exactly three chances without trying to actually talk him into being reasonable? It had been as though I was testing him from the start, and I'd been pointlessly vindictive towards the end too. Like, why hadn't I taken the server with me? There had been an obviously stolen hard drive in the middle of being decrypted; what if Denni was up to much more serious crimes?

Maki thought I was becoming a god, and the more I learned, the more inclined I was to believe her. The Immortals of mythology were tempestuous, fickle creatures, both more and less than human. Funikugami, my only reference in the real world for what a god was like, was completely alien, monstrous even at his most amicable. Would others say the same about me one day?

I checked the clock on my DVD player – there was no time for ruminating.

"You're overthinking this, James. Just be normal, idiot."

Right, just be normal, I could do that…probably. If I tried really hard, then, yeah, sure…

"Or stop worrying for now, dummy. Ego death is slow, death death is not and is a much more imminent danger."

I exhaled and relaxed into the couch, envisioning the anxiety leaving my body. Hell yeah – not thinking about it? Now, that I could manage.

"I am the Empty-Headed God. I am the Empty-Headed God," I repeated to myself like a mantra. "Get your head in the game, James, the Crane game. Tonight, you grill, and you chill. Ego Death? What's that, a type o' hot sauce?"