Play Test: Stuck in Another World as a Reality TV Contestant

There was no fog when Funikugami dismissed me. One moment I was in his nightmarish domain and the next I was standing in the exact position I had been in the hallway before the lights had gone dark. My phone was even still in my hand, as though I’d been paralyzed in the instant of checking the time.

Had that all been in my head? Eight minutes had passed, and the Quest Rewards were real, but had I just been standing here this whole time? Was I standing here, or was this still the work of the Carrion God?

Maki stepped through the office door in her official Miko attire, decorated in talismans and holding a satchel. “Sorry for the delay, it took me longer to…What are you doing?”

She had found me in the peak of my existential crisis, right in the middle of waving my hands in front of my face so fast that they were a blur. I was trying to check if they looked ‘right’; maybe if I pushed my perception to its physical limits I might notice something off, was my thinking. Not my best idea, but not my worst idea either. Granted, that wasn’t saying much. My worst idea was either using an improvised ritual to awaken Annie’s Qi or agreeing to play test this game in the first place. It was going to be hard to top those two.

“How would I know this is actually happening?” I asked Maki, wide-eyed and on the edge of mania.

“Ah.” She tilted her head up with sudden understanding. “Forgive me, I was worried this might happen, but they’re normally much better behaved. Like moths to a flame, I suppose. So, who was it then, one of the foxes?”

“Foxes?”

“Sorry, which Kami approached you? They are bound by their natures, so if you know their histories you can spot when you’ve been enchanted.”

“Hm, makes sense,” I said, relaxing. This wasn’t chaotic enough for crow-boy. “What do I do if that happens?”

“You are a completely impossible man. I have no idea what you can do. I’d recommend regular humans to try to appease the Kami until they deign to release them. It isn’t hard once you know more about them.”

Maki directed me to sit on a nearby bench and put her bag down next to me. She pulled a small glass lotion bottle, the smell of the concoction inside making my eyes water as she uncapped it.

“That’s it?” I asked. “All they can do is beg?”

“What can a sailor do when his boat is caught in a sudden storm? We’re standing in the Divine World, James; humans are subject to the whims of the gods here. Though, typically, so long as you’re respectful, you won’t come to any harm. Now, close your eyes.”

I obliged. Maki dolloped the lotion onto the area between my eyelids and brow and started to gently rub it into my skin. There was an initial burst of sharp prickling when it made contact, but that calmed down with each pass of her thumbs. The smell was a potpourri of various herbs and oils, too layered for me to identify any single scent.

“What’s this for?”

“We’re preparing you to meet the Huntress Spirit and whichever Kami might make an appearance. This will allow you to see them clearer; they don’t always feel like making the effort to be seen.”

“Not sure this is necessary then.”

“It can’t hurt to be prepared.”

“No, you misunderstand me. I mean we probably don’t have to get Elauwit’s blessing. And personally speaking, I’m a little tapped out on interactions with Kami for the night. That shit is stressful.”

Maki’s fingers froze. “James, which Kami approached you?”

“Oh, sorry, I forgot. It was Funikugami.”

Her hands recoiled away from me. “Funikugami!?”

“Right? That dude is a freak. Why is there a creepy corpse god in your shine anyway? Guy was showing off his bone collection like a complete psycho.”

“Careful,” she hissed in an angry whisper. “I just told you to be respectful! He guards the sections of the lowermost sections of the Shrine, those that intersect with the sewers. The building used to be a water purification facility, there are multiple exits into the sewers, perhaps more than we know. The Shrine owes him a great deal of gratitude.”

I waved her off. “It’s fine, we’re boys now; we’re allowed to raz each other. I said all this to his face already anyway.”

“‘Boys’? Are you insane? No, wait, don’t answer that. Any of your potential responses would be infuriating. How on Earth did you catch Funikugami’s attention?”

I opened my eyes, blinking away the slight sting. Blue and green motes of light floated around us and all through the hallway like ethereal fireflies, casting a fae glow on Maki’s pale face. She was breathtaking. Spectral light danced down the threads of her Miko dress making the white shine like moonlight, and casting shimmering reflections onto her talismans and earrings. If this was how the Kami saw her, then I could see why the Priests of the shrine commanded their respect. To my enhanced eyes, she was like a video game character come to life.

“Wow. You’re beautiful,” I said without thinking. “Badass outfit, too. If I was an evil spirit I’d be shaking at the sight of you.”

She turned red and bristled. “D-don’t try to distract me!”

“Ha! Sorry. Uhh, I guess my parents conceived me right after they killed some guy or guys – which is not information I ever needed to know – and he’s been watching me ever since or something. I don’t know, I think he thought we would vibe? Pretty friendly too, if I’m being fair to the guy.”

I wasn’t trying to sound stupid this time, I was just at a loss for how to answer her question. Why did Funikugami care about making a pact with me so much? I knew his stated reasons, but they felt shallow. He was a thousand years old; I wasn’t that special – As far as he should know, at least. My Qi was prodigious, sure, but my mother hadn’t been that much older than me in that memory and could already do an Ultimate move. I didn’t have any Ults.

Of course, there was a chance that the Kami was so ancient and alien a being that I couldn’t hope to fathom his motivations…

Nah. I was born and raised in Black Harbor, I could smell a hustle a mile away. He was up to something.

Maki buried her face in her palms and groaned. “Just…just walk me through it from the beginning.”

I gave her the basic rundown of what happened chronologically, skipping over the gory details of the memories Funikugami showed me. Maki definitely bit back a few comments regarding my childhood, choosing to listen quietly instead. She seemed saddened by my childhood; which was odd, because I’d thought it had come across as quaint, if a little silly, in the retelling.

She stood in silence, eyes closed, when I finished, before nodding reluctantly. “I hate to say it, but I think you did the right thing. All I’d talked the Huntress into giving you was a spirit lure, something to throw down once you’d entered the haunted area – we would have had to negotiate for anything close to what Funikugami gave you. A curse which guarantees we’ll meet the Hungry Ghost tonight is no small feat; he’s likely bending Fate to make it happen.”

“What about the second mystery curse?”

Maki tilted her head noncommittally. “There were always going to be complications, at least the source of these is friendly to our cause. The Hungry Ghost is a parasite on Funikugami’s domain. He likely wants it dealt with before it can transcend its nature and grow to become an equal. To tell you the truth, I contemplated petitioning him, but we’ve only interacted twice. I wasn’t sure if he would even appear for me.”

Oh no. “You can eat your way to divinity?” Just how thorough were those nutrition rules?!

“The paths to godhood are as unique as the gods themselves.”

I thought back to how helpless I had been in Funikugami’s clutches. “Jeez, add that one to the top of the list of reasons to kick this thing’s ass. We…good then?”

I paused skeptically. As far as I could tell, it appeared that I had accidentally accomplished what he had come here for.

Maki took a deep breath to collect herself. And then another, and another. I waited for a while as she went over her mental checklist, but at some point it became clear that she was stuck in her head.

“Maki?”

“Sorry, yes,” she said, shaking herself out of it. “We’re ready.”

I hopped to my feet. “Yes, let’s go! Finally, I want to fight this goddamn ghost already.” She opened her mouth to interrupt. “Not literally, I know. God, you’re a buzzkill, you know that?”

The bickering seemed to calm her, as she crossed her arms and raised an eyebrow at me. Being mad at the meathead was a much more comfortable place to be than on the precipice of her vengeance.

“I was going to ask if you wanted to use the restroom before we go. You consumed a preposterous amount of food and alcohol earlier, if you recall. Just one of the reasons that was a reckless and dangerous decision.”

I rolled my eyes. “First of all, I’m not a toddler; you don’t need to remind me to use the bathroom. Secondly, pissing and shitting is for the unenlightened – I happen to have perfected my digestive system through Daoist Internal Alchemy. But don’t tell people that, I still want to have it as an excuse to escape from conversations, you know?”

“Excuse me? What…”

I ignored her and made my way to the exit. “I’m giving Huo a call; he made me promise to use him for a ride when adventuring. Unless you’ve got a better idea?”

Huo took fewer than five minutes to swing the car around to the Shrine. The Black Harbor Police Department could only dream of the cabbie’s response time. He was in his usual outfit, flat cap, square glasses, button up. I could appreciate a man with his own self-imposed uniform. It felt appropriate for adventuring; I’d have to consider doing the same.

“Yo, sensei!” I said, sliding into the back seat. “Ready to get rowdy?”

“How did I know you would be up to something tonight, James?” He asked with a wry grin. “I hope he’s not dragged you into his bloody business, Maki.”

“It’s the opposite, sensei,” she said. “The bloody business is mine, I’m afraid. And thank you for the ride.”

“Oho, such surprising depths to you, my dear girl. Well, who am I to judge the youth? Where am I taking you two?”

Maki shot me a concerned glance, clearly worried about including Huo into the mix. He must have sensed her reticence.

“None of that now,” he said. “I know what I’m in for. Don’t you worry about me.” Not my first time taking this road.” Ooh, he was making cabbie-related metaphors too? My man was feeling himself tonight.

“Have you?” she asked skeptically.

“Eh. James is a youxia and you’re a miko – you’re fighting some supernatural evil, obviously.”

“Oh.”

“Mm, so don’t spare me any details. This is a team of three now, my girl. Tonight, your business is my business.”

I put a hand on her shoulder. “Yeah, Maki, the real bloody business was the friends we made along the way.”

She pinched her brow. “Kami-sama. Fine, give him the directions, James.”

Smog and light pollution mixed to paint the sky above Black Harbor a dim reddish-brown; the canvas upon which was painted a dazzling, rainbow skyline. The image of all those murdered dead in Funikugami’s realm couldn’t spoil the image for me. So, we had over 6000 reported homicides in the city last year; that was only like 120-ish deaths per 100,000. Any city of five million people would have given Funikugami enough bodies to fill his fields over a century. ‘All its fruits are fertilized with blood.’ – what a drama queen.

Like all drivers in our beautiful city, Huo drove like an unhinged madman, racing down empty streets, doing rolling stops through red lights. He wasn’t giving me much time to work with.

I meditated, pointing my attention inward, and forced my metabolism to work as fast as it could safely. Huo rolled the windows down for us as I started pumping out heat, the whipping wind vaporizing on contact with my skin.

[Meal Bonus!]

Add 3 Temporary Health points to your track. Any damage, Murderous or normal, will completely fill one of these boxes. They vanish when filled.

Add 1 Guaranteed Success to all Strength and Endurance rolls for 24 hours.

Damn, I was hoping for another supercharged Recovery check, but those were pretty great too. What was so different between the first half of the meal and the second though? The alcohol maybe? I could see those buffs being associated with booze. But I’d been drinking slowly throughout the night. The dessert then? What did mochi, fluffy cheesecake, and tiramisu have to do with Strength and Endurance though?

God, I hoped one of the others read the nutrition rules. There was no way I had the money or time to reverse engineer them.

I slid all the way down in my seat as we neared Chinatown. It was late, but I cut a pretty distinctive figure these days, and I wasn’t risking getting spotted by the Tigers. Maki frowned at me, concern wrinkling her forehead, but didn’t say anything.

Huo pulled right up to the bricked-up alley; he’d known right away which one I was talking about when I brought it up. Cab drivers could find just about anything in Black Harbor, he’d boasted.

“This is much closer than the canal,” said Maki.

“Four blocks west, three blocks south. Just five blocks distance if I move in a perfect diagonal,” I said, peeking my head up over the windows.

Huo noticed what I was doing. “You’re clear.”

“Nice.” I looked to Maki. I’d thought she might be nervous, but she was a vision of steel, no doubt in her expression. “Ready?”

“Yes.”

“I’ll wait here,” said Huo. “Good luck, you two.”

I darted from the car to the shadows in the alley. Maki followed, her sensible tennis shoes pattering on the rain-wet ground. They were the only part of her outfit that weren’t currently glowing with spiritual power. A brick wall had been placed about halfway down the alley, just far enough so the locals could still use it for their trash pickup. The intimidating steel door, reading ‘No Trespassing’ in bold block letters, swung open for me; had to be going on four years since we’d discovered the lock was broken.

Behind the door and at the end of the alley was another that ran parallel to the road. It was one of the oldest in the city, with cobblestones for paving, through which you could see the grooves from where horse-drawn carts had worn them down. The people who still had access to the alley through the backdoors of their buildings had set up chairs and a communal garden. I’d been to a couple of barbeques here.

Down a narrow, carved stone stairwell was our destination. The city had the bright idea of installing iron bars to block the entrance, with another heavy metal door built into that framing in the middle. This door’s lock still functioned, but unfortunately for the city, there was a major flaw with the design.

I slipped through the bars on the left side of the door. None of the gaps were even, and this one just so happened to be easily shimmied through for most relatively thin guys. Once through, I unlocked the door and let Maki inside.

She sighed. “Every time I think I’ve seen it all, the city government finds new ways to astonish.”

“Clowns, truly.”

The stairs continued down another ten feet, lit only by the orange of the sparse halogen lights. The sound of rushing water was loud, the flow churning enough to fill the air with a cold, wet breeze.

“Good sign,” I said.

The storm drain was an impressive solution for flooding considering how old it was. It was a vaulted passageway, made of big stone blocks from Pennsylvania quarries, shipped by boat and hauled by horse. I hadn’t been here since it was dry for a while, but if I remembered correctly, the actual drain itself was about seven feet deep at the most. Some skateboarders, those with enough skill to ride the water-worn stones of the drain, liked to use it as a mini-half pipe.

Not that you could even tell the drain was curved currently; the water level was up to the top, lapping at the bricks where we stood. It was amazing how much water the city could soak up after a week of off-and-on rain.

“This work for you?”

Maki hugged the wall with her back, swallowing nervously. “More than. No handrails?”

“It was built a hundred years pre-OSHA. Don’t worry, if you fall in, just make sure your feet or head are pointed downstream. There’s a pipe that empties into the canal. It’s more than wide enough for a human to fit…so long as they’re oriented correctly.”

“And if they aren’t?”

“The city recovers the body after the drain dries up.”

She grimaced. “Ah. This is a bit narrower than you promised.”

I gestured with my head down the way. “There’s nooks. Come on.”

About fifty yards towards the canal was a large oval-shaped nook, where a worker could sit down with their tools and have a break. There was even a little stone shelf built into the wall. Those old masons were pretty thoughtful. Maki breathed a sigh of relief when we got there. I on the other hand, had forgotten how far it would be from the entrance; that was fifty yards across treacherous footing I’d have to cover with the ghost on my heels.

“See,” I said, projecting only confidence, “you’ll be fine. Just fall backwards or to the side if anything happens.”

“Excellent, and the ground is dry enough for my chalk.”

“Oh shit, didn’t even think about that. Luck is on our side. How long will it take you to get the ritual ready?”

Maki was already setting her bag down on the shelf and beginning to rummage through it. “Not long, fifteen minutes at most.”

“Perfect. I’m going to go scout a few potential routes for the roof run. Text me when you’re ready.”

I turned to leave, but Maki tugged on my sleeve, catching me.

“Wait!”

Maki pulled me into her arms as tight as she could, burying her face in my chest. I returned the hug, savoring the moment of vulnerability from my favorite miko.

“Please, be safe.” She looked up at me, arms still around my back. “Do not die. If it means we fail, then we fail. But do not die, understood?”

I smirked. “Sure, yeah. I promise to not die,” I lied.

She frowned, before leaning up and kissing me on the cheek. “A kiss for good luck. Thank you, James. No matter what happens, you’ve earned my gratitude for life.”

“Anytime. See you soon.”