Pink Ranger Problems

The carpet in my room is enticing. I could lay down and sulk forever. A robot and a space wizard were trying to prove that I'm not meant to be a man. I'm not sure anyone could blame me for not taking it well.

The plushies under my bed stare at me through their plastic tubs. Their eyes staring intently at me, like they are judging me for giving them up. It doesn't make sense for me to be a girl. Even those nightmares and the kid versions of me feel contradictory to so much I know about myself. I gave up those plushes, I gave up my friendship, I gave up my hobbies; all to be a guy and they are trying to convince me I should just be okay with it being for nothing. No matter how good Filia feels to be, she can't just reverse all that. She can't go back in time and stop those sacrifices. I can't retroactively become her, so what's the point? Scott and Dad will always have memories of Ryan. It's not like they can change how they think of me. The girl I want to be is nothing like who I am.

"Nachos are done, son." It feels like a punch in the gut to be called son. How would he react if I told him I wanted to be a girl? He only has one kid. He raised me to be a man, he might not be the same man from that nightmare or that the kid was terrified of, but he was the guy who signed me up to sports and taught me how to play video games. I'll never be his daughter.

"Okay, Dad."

"Are you dressed? You've been in your room all day."

"Yes, Dad." Hoodies and jeans never fail to hide everything wrong with me. There has to be some way I'll be happy with my existence. A way that doesn't involve being a girl. 

"Come out here and pick some movies for when he gets here." 

I peel myself off the floor and trudge out to the living room. I don't feel like watching anything. Superheroes aren't really appealing at the moment. The movie cabinet is full of them though. In the corner there's some dumb adventure comedy romcom. I guess that's what we're watching.

"Are you sure you don't want to take off the jumper?" Dad asks, as he places a huge plate of nachos on the coffee table. 

"Nothing else looks good on me." Nothing in the movie cabinet catches my eyes, but I keep staring anyway.

"Come on, Ryan. You're handsome. You should show that off." Does Dad know that I like Scott? Does it even matter? The affirmation that I'm handsome doesn't help. Scott's not into handsome, and I think it looks better on others.

"Knock knock." Scott's here perfect timing.

"You can just come inside, Scott." I shout. My voice cracks. "You don't have to say 'knock knock'."

"Yeah, but I don't wanna surprise you. So knock knock."  His voice is gentle as he walks over to where I'm sitting. The cabinet remains the most interesting thing in the room, even as he crouches down next to me.

"Can we talk?" he whispers in my ear. My blood runs cold. After everything that happened today he can't have figured it out. 

"What about?" 

"About earlier. About you. I'm worried." It can't be that. I owe him a guys night. Nachos and movies as bros. It's better for everyone if he thinks I'm fine.

"Let's go to my room." I can't look him in the eye. What could he have to say? Why would he be worried about me?

"Okay." 

He closes the door behind him and I sit on the bed. He stays close to the door, fidgeting with his hands. He's looking at me, I can feel it. He's more vulnerable in his new body, it's clear that he's not sure what to say. I miss when we didn't talk about stuff like this and he just ignored that I'm a disaster. 

"What are you worried about?" I ask. 

"I'm sorry for not telling you, Ryan."

"No, it's fine bro. Secret identities and all that. Right man?" I force a smile. It's got to be enough. 

"I wanted to though. I really wanted to. I got all these cool powers to protect you and I had to hide it." He walks towards me, I jump and he stops. Am I scared of him?

"You don't have to protect me, dude." He's trying to look me in the eye. 

"I know! I want to. Ryan, you are one of the most precious people in the world to me."

"You can't say things like that." I can't look at him, my face is burning. 

"Why not? We've been there for eachother since we were kids!"

"You wouldn't get it." Scott has always been able to grab what he wanted, even when he was pretending to be a girl. I always admired that, even if it put an insurmountable barrier between us. I knew I couldn't be like him, but the difference between us is worse than it ever was before. Someone as strong as him can't understand why I can't let go of being Ryan. 

"Then explain. Please, Ryan, I'm worried I'm going to lose you."

"Lose me? I'm not going anywhere."

"You're fading in front of me. I thought it was because of this." He gestures at his body. "But you've been closer to how you used to be, I thought you were feeling better but you look horrible right now." I hadn't shaved for the last week, it's starting to catch up to me. I spent so much time as Filia I didn't even notice.

"I've always been like this."

"You used to be… I don't know. You used to be happier. You laughed and talked and smiled. I want to help." I can see how worried he is. He keeps looking like he's going to hug me or hold me just to make sure I don't run. If there was somewhere to run to I might. 

"Can I ask you a question?" I ask. If I'm cornered maybe I can get answers. 

"Will it help?"

"I don't know."

"Go ahead."

"Hypothetically, how would you react if I wanted to be a woman?" It's a dumb question. Even if his answer is positive it doesn't mean anything for him realising I've been lying to him about Filia.

He moves before I can. He's hugging me. It's almost crushing.

"It wouldn't change anything. I'll be here no matter what."

Filia wants this, the younger versions of me wanted it as well. She wants to melt into his arms. She wants Scott to help her feel stronger. She wants to open up about how she wants to be. How she likes to be around him. How she wants to stop living as Ryan. How she is scared of losing him again now that he's changed.

"What do you want me to call you?"

I lightly push him and he lets go. I take a step back. Holding on is dangerous. He doesn't get how much has happened. He can't.

"It was a hypothetical question. Let's watch this movie, Scott."

"Ryan…"

"Please." My voice cracks. I refuse to cry. 

"Alright."

We settle in on the couch. Dad joins us with some plates. I feel sick. Scott might start to put two and two together and when that happens I'll be locked down a path. It was stupid to even ask him that question. I need to get rid of Filia before it can happen. I can't let him believe I'm not Ryan. 

Scott and Dad talk as the intro to the movie starts. An old man talking to his grandson about this amazing tale he was about to tell. It's familiar. I've probably seen it before.

"Oh I love this movie." Scott whispers to me.

"You've seen it?"

"We watched it when we were younger."

"I put it on for you. I used to watch it with my ex." Dad said. He never talks about them. I remember I had a Mum at some point, but I can't get a clear image of her in my mind. 

The movie gets saccharine and ridiculous around half way through. I'm only half paying attention, but the way the Dread Pirate Roberts looks at his love interest catches my eye. It's romantic. I want it. I’ve had it. I’ve been picked up the way he picks her up, and flashed cocky smirks that melted me. I’ve been rescued and embarrassed myself and it only ever happened because I became a ranger and a girl. I look over at the man responsible and he smiles. A nauseatingly sweet smile. He rests his hand on my leg. I could just grab it right now and tell him everything before I can't hide it anymore. But I can't. I won't. I can't let go of being Ryan.

Scott and Dad talk more. Every couple of minutes he’ll give me a glance and I’ll pretend to have been trying to focus on the movie. 

At the climax of the movie, as they break into the castle. Scott's communicator goes off. 

"Just my phone. I'll be back." He starts walking out. 

"I'll go with him. I need to stretch my legs." 

Scott answers the communicator. 

"What is it, Astrus?"

"An emergency. The other three are holding off Anemobots on mainstreet."

"You need me to come help?"

"We need you to deal with a different problem. A crab monster at the park. Bring Ryan with you."

He looks up to me. "Are you okay with that?" What are they calling me for?

"Sure. I'll have to get my bag."

"Hurry, have Ryan hold on to you when I initialise the teleport. It should bring him with you."

I run back inside to get my bag and morpher while Scott explains we are going to his house. 

Why the hell am I doing this? We go outside and I cling to his arm like a damsel in distress and we are teleported in a pale red light. 

The cool cement presses against my back again. Scott stands over me. He offers me a hand up, and I swat it away. 

"Scott, I need to send you out as soon as possible to scout out the monster. I will get Ryan suited up and send Filia to you when she gets here." Kepler explains. 

"Are you going to be alright, Ryan?" Scott asks.

"I'll be fine," I say through gritted teeth. Why am I here? They know I can't keep doing this.

"I'll see you there hopefully." he says. 

"Hopefully." 

He gives me a soft smile and disappears into the red light.

"I'm sorry for my outburst earlier, Filia."

"My name is-- oh forget it. Why did you bring me back here?"

"Scott's going to need your help." She brushes off my objection. 

"Scott can handle this on his own. He's perfectly capable." I've been nothing but a burden on this team so far. I don't know why they think I might make a difference.

"Please, Filia. Think of this as a goodbye if you're leaving the team. Scott deserves to have closure about his friend." 

"You just want me to fight the monster."

"I want you to help Scott and say goodbye. Then we can try and get the pink morpher to choose someone else." A projection appears of Scott fighting a bipedal lobster with rows of arms. Alone. One throws a punch and he's unable to dodge. He hits the ground and it cracks. Even if I'm useless, a meat shield is better than him being on his own.

"Fine. I'll go. Just get another ranger after this. Please."

"You need to hurry. Scott is trying his hardest but he cannot fight off this monster alone." Astrus appears in front of me. Why am I listening to them? 

"Galah Power." I shout.

I can't watch the transformation but I can feel it. My body compresses and shifts as the Power gently molds me into its preferred shape. It's relaxing. Comfortable. I open my eyes and see my body again. A jolt of energy runs through me. I should go. I give the other two a final nod and they send me into the fray. 

I appear a couple of meters away from the monster and Scott. In person the monster is so much more gross. The graininess of the projection did a lot to hide the mismatched size of its limbs, its slimy skin, its shell that looks like it's been fused together with hardened tar from chunks of other monsters. Scott lays on the ground in front of it. Right. I need to be a meat shield.

Its arms line up a flurry of strikes, as Scott reaches for his Thorn Blade. The monster's body creaks under its own weight and the first arm drops on to my best friend.

My feet move before I can even think about it. I leap into the air, my hands reach for my belt and I pull out the weapons of the pink ranger. The Wingbow glistens and I pull the string back and aim for its head.

Another arm drops on Scott's blade and he grunts. My shot pings of its armoured shell. I land next to the creature and try to block its next hit with my bow. I can give him time to recover even if it's just a second or two. The disgusting lobster creature looks at me as it drops another arm. Its gaze is pure black and devoid of feeling. It hits the side of my bow and pain shoots up my arm as my wrist twists. I instinctively let go. I know what to do next though. 

With my other hand I pull my sword from my belt and jam it into the joints between one the arms crushing Scott. The monster reels back in pain, releasing Scott. I offer him a hand, but he just stares at me.

"We have to move Scott."

"Zaa?"

"Scott you idiot, grab my hand." He does. I pull him to his feet, pick up my bow and start running, dragging my disoriented best friend behind me. 

"How did you do that?"

"Do what?"

"All of that. Like I knew you were good at this, but wow." How did I do that? Was it the suit?

"Not the time."

"Right! Right! Uhh yeah. Shit." His brain isn't functioning. Is it a concussion? We sit down behind a tree. It stops tracking us to rip off its damaged limb. Can it regrow them? If so, that's not great.

"Are you okay, Scott?" I try to check his face, but end up caressing his helmet.

"Just a couple of scratches."

"Scott. You didn't hit your head."

"I'm fine, Fi. Thanks to you." My face heats up. I actually did all that. I actually rescued him. How do I get from him beating me earlier to rescuing him like that? I guess I know. This body is better for me. The Power was able to work with this body.

"You're welcome." My voice comes out shaky.

"Any news on Ryan? Is he coming?" My thoughts stop dead in their tracks

"Forget about him. We have to deal with this." My voice is cold. That name sends a chill down my spine. Can I give this power up? I wouldn't have been able to help if I had.

I look at the monster. That's as good a distraction as any.