Pink Ranger Problems

My phone buzzes non stop as I lay face down on my bed. He knows. Scott knows. Not only that, he confessed he liked me. I should be ecstatic. I was planning to tell him. I should talk to him now and sort this out, but how am I meant to? He just saw the girl he likes melt into a pile of sludge. 

I went too far. I should have told him at the start and I could have avoided this. There's no way he could develop feelings for Filia if he knew. I probably wouldn't have been so careless either. Now I've tricked him. Maybe I can get away with pretending to be a guy for a little longer. I could tell him that I'm still a guy and hope that he buys it and thinks I was just being friendly. 

I'm grasping at straws trying to look normal and it won't stick. It can't stick. I'll have to talk to him about it eventually. It just can't be tonight. If anything I need to talk to Summer. She might know what to do.

God, I wish this could just be easy. If I was a girl at the start, if I'd realised sooner hell if I was a guy, this could be over with. I could go to school as me. I could have told Dad and dealt with the consequences of that. I wouldn't have been a target for Loch and Fins. 

My pillow is soaked. How long has it been since I've cried like this? I should just lock my door for a few days and cry it all out. Then I can pretend everything's fine. Apologise to Scott and pretend to be a guy until I die. On the other hand I could talk to someone about this, be a burden on them like I have been for the past couple of weeks and then continue being a burden on them as I try to figure out how to transition. Fuck. I want to be selfish.

"Hey Ryan, are you awake?" Dad asks.

"Yeah, Dad." My voice grates on my ears. It sounds even more gross with the shaking and gasping and hiccuping. 

"Can I come in?"

"Sure." I can't pretend to be fine. Maybe he's worried. Could I tell him? Probably not. He's my Dad, there's no way he'd be able to understand me wanting to be a girl. 

I sit up and he sits down next to me. I think I have stifled everything. The lights are out. He can't see my face. My phone has started to calm down but I mute it anyway. It's not fair that I am doing this to Scott. He deserves better.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm just tired." I lie.

"Did something happen with Scott? You two left and then you came back in tears. Did he do something?"

"No! God no."

"Good I didn't think he was the type. Look, son."

I cringe a little. I try to hide it but it's harder now. 

"Kiddo," he corrects. He pauses and stops looking at me. The silence is deafening. Is he disappointed? Angry? Hurt? "I'm sorry. I should have noticed sooner."

"What should you have noticed?" Does he know about me? No, unlike everyone else he hasn't seen Filia except for when she was on the news.

"You don't remember your Dad, do you? When I mentioned my ex earlier you looked confused, and when the monster attacked you didn't recognise me."

"It was just hypnosis."

"I thought we just avoided talking about him because you were scared of him, but you really don't remember him."

"What are you talking about?" My eyes have adjusted to the darkness of the room. He's avoiding looking at me and focusing on the floor. 

"I was your Mum, Ryan. You were terrified when you got home. Your friends said you were wanting your mum. I should have told you sooner." I can't see much of his face, but I know he's avoiding looking at me.

"What?"

"I am the one that gave birth to you. Your Dad is in another state I think. I kicked him out."

"Mark?" The name from the dream and the hypnosis sprang to mind immediately.

"Yes."

"So you're like Scott? You're trans?"

"Yes. He said I was confusing you when I came out. I didn't expect us to stay together but I didn't expect him to take it out on you. And when he did--"

"You kicked him out."

"Of course, just maybe not soon enough."

"What do you mean?"

"Something is bothering you. I don't know what it is, but I know you're scared to tell me. I want you to know you can be honest with me."

"Dad?" he looks up.

"Yes?"

"Can I have a hug?"

Before I have even finished asking, I am crushed in a big bear hug. Goodness he's strong. When's the last time I've hugged my dad? I'm a really shitty kid.

"Dad, too tight."

"Oh sorry." He releases a little. "I get if you want to get in contact with your dad."

"You're my dad."

"I love you, Kiddo."

"I love you too, Dad."

He pulls away and I can see a few tears in his eyes. 

"Now, Ryan, why were you crying?"

"Can I tell you later when I figure it out?"

"Okay. I'll love you whether you're my son, my daughter, both, neither or whatever." I feel more tears welling up. I can tell him if things somehow go well with Scott. It doesn't really matter how he figured it out.

"Thanks, Dad."

I shuffle under my blankets. I'm not grossly sobbing anymore. That's something. My phone has a ton of missed calls and frantic texts from everyone on the team. I reply to each with a quick 'I'm fine' and the exhaustion takes hold.

---

By the Power I'm dense. How did I not realise I fell for my best friend? She sucked at hiding it as well. She. I'll go with she for now. She was wearing his clothes. They were never in the same room together. She even acted like we'd known each other for forever. How dense can I be?

"Scott, are you alright?" Summer catches me with my head in my hands trying to figure this out. 

"I asked out, Filia."

"It didn't go well?" She sits down next to me. I could probably use the comfort. 

"It turns out the girl I am crushing on and my best friend are the same person."

"That's rough, buddy." 

"You knew, didn't you."

"Ziggy and I realised the day after we were chosen." I really am not the most observant person.

"It makes sense." I say. How could it not? They have the same smile and pretty eyes and dumb smirk when they think they've beaten someone. Like when she told Lucy to go away or when she got me to blush. Or FUCK. I'm doing it again. I'm thinking about her without looking at the whole picture. She's Ryan. She doesn't like you dude. Hell she's probably gay.

"What did she say?"

"She unmorphed and ran." I sigh. She probably hates me now. All this time she was just acting normal and I got the wrong idea.

"I'm going to strangle her. I leave her alone for five minutes…"

"This is my fault."

"Scott, how can this be your fault?"

"I asked her out!" I argue. I should know better than to ask a girl out so quickly. I thought she was straight because of what Summer said but she meant like. Ryan's straight. Probably.

"And you didn't know."

"It was obvious. If I'd just paid attention."

"You have been dealing with a lot. You realised you were a guy like two weeks ago."

"That's not an excuse! I've been so busy thinking about myself and my feelings that I probably made her scared to tell me or--"

"Scott," she grabs my face. "You need to chill."

"How can I chill? I asked Ryan out!" She's going to hate me. I flirted with her! 

"Is there a problem with that?"

"I mean there probably is for her!"

"The useless part of useless lesbian wasn't lost when you transitioned."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I'd probably laugh. She did call me that a lot when I missed obvious signs but there are no signs that Ryan likes me. We were just bantering. 

"It means I think you need to calm down and think this through. You kinda speed ran transitioning so you've been unpacking a lot, you shouldn't be judged for not seeing the obvious here, but she obviously–"

A mortifying thought occurs to me. 

"She felt my… oh my god." I interrupt her.

"I'm going to talk to her." She walks to the door. I should stop her. I'll apologise more later. "Leo, Ziggy." She shouts. "Yeah, I know you've been eavesdropping. Can you take care of Scott? And restrain Ziggy if they are about to say something insensitive."

"Aye aye captain." Leo salutes.

I hear the teleport go.

"So, you finally asked her out?" Leo asks.

"Did you know Leo?"

"I figured it out just before Hypnautic when we didn't see them both. Ever." Leo explains. Was I the last one to notice? I'm the worst!

"I feel so stupid."

"Well it's better than being stupid. Filia tried to pull off a double life with no acting skills." 

"Ziggy."

"What? She's an awful actor! She can't even pretend not to like prince charming over here." My brain takes a second to process.

"She doesn't like me!" I yell. She wouldn't have run if she did.

"You two are made for eachother." Ziggy rolls their eyes. "Ow. What the hell, Leo?"

"You deserve it, babe."

"Fuck you."

"Fuck me yourself coward. Wait shit. Sorry." Leo is clearly trying. "I should probably clarify, do you still like her?"

"I think. Maybe. It's not really important. She's Ryan! If she's a girl then being there for her as a friend is more important, and if she's not then I've probably messed things up for good."

"You're being melodramatic." Ziggy is very helpful. Thank you, Ziggy.

"You do like her then?"

"I think so."

"Then you need to just wait."

"But what if," I start.

"She's not going to hate you, dude." Ziggy responds.

"How do you know?"

"I don't know. Maybe it's got something to do with the fact that her voice goes up two octaves around you. What do you think Leo?"

"She was mumbling 'I don't want to lose him' in her sleep, after Hypnautic. I don't know, maybe him refers to me?"

"Yeah, right." says Ziggy.

"You aren't messing with me?" I ask.

"Of course we aren't." says Ziggy.