NOVEL WEB Imploding the Mirage
(CW: Mention of self-harm, injurious behavior, transphobia)
October 25, 2022
“Hey, Maria?”
“Yes, Gremlin?”
Beth
“How did you deal with me back then? I was an actual monster,” I said as Steph and I lounged on the couch in her new apartment, the monstrous blue quilted cover that I had bullied Maria and Edy into buying when they were shopping pulled in tightly around us.
“Oh, you weren’t that bad,” Maria said.
“Oh, I’d agree, you weren’t that bad,” Steph added, ruffling my hair before continuing to pet me as I laid on top of her. “My sponsor told me to gravitate towards you. You really were the easiest to work with out of anyone else in our group, babe.”
“But I was so… gross. Talking about my body and being a damn exhibitionist,” I said aloud. “I even flashed you… how many times, babe?”
“I lost count,” she replied. “But you stopped, so I forgave you."
“Bethany, dear, you’re just being a bit melodramatic. I assume Tyler is just being a normal newbie.” Maria sounded strained, the sound of cream frothing as she spoke into the phone.
“I had to put him to bed early after all that, Maria,” I explained. Even in a locked apartment, you couldn’t tell how thin the walls were. Anyone could be listening at any time. “And he fucking said, “harder, mommy,” in the middle of it all.”
Both Steph and Maria burst out laughing. Maria had to put down the bowl and spoon with how she was doubled over, holding her tummy, laughing with all her chest. “What did you say this kid did? He’s a fucking comedian, that’s what he is!”
“A chaser, Maria. Kid was a chaser, used his relationships as a front. Not to the extent of the stories Tabby tells sometimes about one of hers, but he jokes in private about the fact that he’s got a god-damned transdar, or whatever you call it. He said he can suss out transgender women with an 80% success rate. If it’s true, I’d think that’s pretty good.”
“Ah, you got the chaser kid.” Maria was wheezing, starting to come down from her fit. I heard the mixing bowl get picked back up. “I saw a bit about the file before I left. Kinda late in the year, isn’t it?”
“God, if you could see him when he got released into the general population last week. Ever since, he’s been eyeing up Jace and Christian, and he asked me in private if any of them have said eggy stuff since they’d gotten here. It was… a bit creepy, if you ask me.” I groaned, sinking deeper into Steph, resting my head between her boobs. “I can see Jace; everyone in the fucking Hall is betting on them coming out by Christmas. But Christian? That’s absurd. If we didn’t have everything weighing on our head about all this, I would put my money on him or Jacob washing out."
“Well, remember, Beth. You’re the one who cracked Leigh’s eggshell, and remember what she did?” A silent pause, only punctuated by the breaths making my girlfriend’s chest rise and fall, and the continued whisk of cream. “Some people have more inside them than you’d expect.”
“I will. I still think he deserves kindness more than roughness, even after all that,” I said. “He’s got… he’s got scars on his body, Maria. He’s definitely hurt himself before. Olivia almost had a panic attack working with Rabia on him, and some of the… placements of those scars made it difficult for them to do their work.”
“Yeah. Remember when Maia burst into the hall?” Maria asked me, as she set down what was probably a bowl of whipped cream on the table.
“Mhm.” It was impossible to forget. Why would you not want to remember the whirlwind of a day, not long after Mary had come up from the basement with Leigh, and the sponsors having a hell of a time trying to contain that little monster. Being the little shit she was, she wanted nothing more than to stir up an already fraught situation. “Why wouldn’t I?”
“You’ll find that a lot of the ones that have a boisterous attitude like that… hide something deep inside them. I…” Maria leaned against the counter. I noticed her eyes narrow, her brow furrowing with worry, her gaze turning from the both of us. “Maia seemed to have a very rough life before Dorley herself.”
“You’ve heard the details about my life, Beth,” Steph replied, pulling me in tightly into her ribcage. The placement of her tight-woven arms left me struggling for breath a bit. “You have to be mindful that the documents are only our story of the intake. They have their own story, and you have to respect that.”
“Hey, Steph, can’t breathe.”
“Sorry!” She loosened the grip on me, and I snuggled back into her.
“I mean, I guess we have other perspectives for Tyler, but…” I stopped.
“‘We’? Are you talking about the girls?” Maria asked, her face slightly brightening as we shifted gears towards the other people in the Hall.
“I’m talking about one girl in particular. My girl.” I turned my head towards her body and kissed her collarbone, leaving Steph in a giggling fit.
“I get it. You don’t have to give public displays of affection every time you two lock eyes,” Maria replied.
“As if you and Edy don’t,” Steph snapped back before I could respond.
“Touché.”
“Remember how you were at the party last year, Maria?” I quipped. “You guys got half of the girls so drunk I was fearful that someone would break a table… or even say something they shouldn’t.”
“Alright, alright, I get the damn point, you two!” Maria snapped back, laughing again. “Dorley’s 2019 power couple really going for my throat. I think the two of you will be fine for your boys. But Steph… I never really hear you say anything about Ritchie.”
“He’s a very easy candidate, so far,” Steph replied. I was focused on Maria’s gaze, but I could feel the subtle move of her muscles as she released me and moved her arms around to gesture. “I feel like he’s moving along relatively normally. But with the addition of Tyler, and Jace, for that matter, his trajectory could change rather unpredictably. And I don’t really know how to handle a lot of that.”
“You’ll figure it out in time, Steph. You’ve always been very good at that in the programme.” Maria looked fondly at my girlfriend, and then at me. “Both of you have.”
“I appreciate the trust you put in both of us, but I’m unsure that this intake is going to go normally,” I replied. “I’m worried that none of them are really going to bond too well. There’s been superficial stuff, sure, but outside of what I’ve heard from Leigh and Tabby, there’s not a lot that’s too promising.”
Jace
“Hey,” I started to ask through the walls. As normal, I rested on my bed’s edge, letting my feet dangle over the side. “What do you want to do when you’re out of here?”
“Eh. See a game at London Stadium once I have the money saved up again. Get back to my job, if they’ll take me. Most of all, I want to see my little sisters,” he replied. “I miss them a bunch. I want to spend my free time tracking them down. Seeing if they’d have Christian in their lives again.”
“That’s…” I froze for a moment. Didn’t expect him to be so up front about a detail of his life. “Wow. I hope you can.”
“Didn’t see me to be the type, did you?” He replied, with a lot cockier of a voice than I expected. “Absolute fuckin’ hooligan who loves his little sisters?” A pause, and then a much more muted, “Nobody does, to be fair. Don’t feel ashamed.”
“I’m sorry, I just… really didn’t.” I felt sick in my stomach considering the rudeness of my surprise. “From what I knew, you just kinda fit a stereotype of a soccer hooligan in my mind.” “First, it’s football, you numpty,” Christian replied, his voice slathered with ridicule as he insulted me. “Second, even a hooligan can love his sisters.”
“What about your mum?”
“Fuck her. Hope she pisses off and dies, for all I care.”
“Sorry for bringing her up then.”
“Isn’t your fault. She relied on my help for years and then kicked me to the curb the moment that I was an adult and the little sisters were about out of secondary.”
“Damn. Are you okay, Christian?”
“Yeah. I moved on from it years ago.” Despite his words, I could hear the poison dripping. “Put a smile on my face when Henrietta got into Oxford. She’s going off to potentially change the world. Little old Christian’s probably assumed to go the way of dear old dad by this point. Seems like the boys are cursed in my family.”
“You don’t know that. They were still reporting you missing and wanted, just like Jacob.”
“For how much longer, Jace?” I heard his voice start to prick up, the bitterness intensifying. “You think they’re gonna chase a missing man for a year for starting a fucking barfight? Eventually, the trail’s gonna run cold. I’ve been here for over 6 weeks now. Jabbed in the body at least a couple of times with who knows what. The fuckin’ itchy anti-androgen implant’s getting to me. I'm miserable alone down here, and it's been bloody useless."
“Yeah…” I’d been itchy in various places as I slowly adapted to the new atmosphere of a basement in southern England, but the one around my belly button had persisted long past the initial rashes.
“Apparently it’s supposed to control aggression, but sometimes I’m not too sure. I don’t really… feel any less aggressive, you know?” Christian’s anger seemed to melt into frustration by this point. He sounded bitter more than violent. “Still want to punch Jacob any chance I get. If anything, I’m more aggressive. I just… use it up here before I go out there.”
“I mean… don’t break your hand,” I replied, half-checked out of the conversation. “I heard about the indents in your wall.”
“Did Leigh tell you about that?”
“Yeah.” I sighed, looking up at the speckled ceiling, imagining how Christian must’ve looked in that moment. The top of his hair began to form a long bang that might not look out of place as part of an emo haircut in a few months' time. “Don’t hurt yourself, okay?”
“Maybe it’ll get me evacuated from here or something,” he said. “Wouldn’t hurt as an idea, you know?”
“Let’s… change the subject.” I went through the conversation backwards in my head, before settling on a topic, to get him off that train of thought. “Tell me about your sisters.”
“I’ll tell you about mine if you tell me about yours. Why in the hell d’you let yours try makeup on you?”
“You were the oldest, weren’t you?” I asked, already knowing the answer. “Sometimes, it’s not about letting them try it on you. Didn’t you ever force your sisters to do anything they didn’t want to?”
“I mean, yeah, but I was forcing them to do homework while I cooked dinner,” he replied. “I wasn’t forcing them to do anything more than things that would help them get a leg up in life.”
“Eh, she was always strong-willed. She got me to come out of my shell on more than one occasion, you know?” I replied, and even I could hear the smile in my voice, reminded of the sort of woman who raised me. “She even pushed me to ask out the girl I liked. Unfortunately, we…” I sighed, knowing in my heart of hearts what was coming. “We stopped talking. Not long before I got here, actually.”
“Did she cut you out of her life, Jace?” Christian’s voice, even as loud as it was… I heard it quivering. “With how fondly I heard you speak of her in the common room, I would think that you still had a great relationship with your younger sister.”
“I burnt the bridge out of fear a few months ago. I’d been… I’d been keeping a secret out of actual terror that my parents would react poorly. And once my sister got kicked out, I went into overdrive hiding everything.” I sighed, before laughing. “It’s funny. Once they found out, the desire got beaten out of me.”
“How’d they… find out?” Christian asked, his voice sounding a bit strained.
“Heh. Keylogger. They figured something was up, and they went behind my back and installed it. After…” Fuck it, I’m gonna call her Autumn, she always liked that name better anyways. Who’s gonna know I called her by her middle name down here, the name she always preferred? “After Autumn got kicked out, they went into overdrive. They realized that the trust they gave us was too strong.”
“And they installed a keylogger on your computer?” He asked. “Shit, dude.”
“It was the family computer. I didn’t have a laptop until college. I was so out of it for most of high school that I tried to hide secrets in plain sight there, but eventually, they figured out what I was looking at online, and they swiftly put a stop to it.”
“Why are you telling me this, Jace?”
“Because, other than Leigh, I think I trust you the most down here. Plus, I felt like I was at a secret deficit this whole time. I’ve navigated through the basement thus far in large part to your advice.” I felt the muscles in my shoulders relaxing, my jaw unclenching, and my legs returning to sensation as I activated my body in a moment of calm. “I hope you feel like we’re a bit more even now.”
“Fucking hell, Jace. You tell me a horror story of a childhood tale and say that it’s a secret? You think that makes us even now?” And… I made it worse. “If I heard my sisters telling me a story like this, I’d want to murder the bastard who did it."
“It wasn’t that bad. They wouldn’t have done it if they didn’t care about us…”
“They did it to fucking control you, Jace! You cut your sister out of your life because you didn’t feel safe from them, didn't you?”
“We’re gonna make it out of here, Christian. You told me that we’d get a drink when we make it out,” I replied, holding back the anxiety that I now felt from Christian’s yelling, ignoring his question. “And maybe I’ll… maybe I won’t see them again. But I always hold out hope, you know? I regret what I did. But we’re here to get redemption, and maybe with that, I can look her in the eyes again and apologize.”
“I want to be angry now that I know what you did there. Really fucking want to. Want to cave your fucking skull in at this point.” He was breathing heavily, to the point that I could hear his exhales. It was as if he was pressed fully into the wall. “But I can’t. And you know why?”
“Why?”
“Because you remind me of my little sisters. And I know it isn’t their fault that they cut me out of their FUCKING LIVES!” I heard a thud against the wall, harder than any that I’d heard to date. “Ow… fuck! FUCKING HELL THIS HURTS! Look what you made me do, Lisa! LOOK WHAT YOU FUCKING MADE ME DO? YOUR USELESS LITTLE SON IS HERE NOW, AND WHAT ABOUT YOU? WHERE ARE YOU NOW?”
I flinched, moving away from the wall and onto the floor. Every part of me tensed up, waiting for something more to happen.
“WHEN I GET OUT OF HERE, I SWEAR TO GOD-”
“Christian! Calm down! Are you okay?” I asked, nervously through the wall, feeling the bile rise up in my throat. “You better be fucking okay, I swear to God.”
“My thumb is fucking screaming, Jace, and my knuckles are bleeding and I don’t know what to do right now other than this. Screaming is FUCKING HELPING. I AM SICK AND TIRED OF THIS FUCKING PLACE. I just want out of here. I want to see my little sisters again!”
“Maybe you should call Tabby. Now, I’m actually worried about you.”
“I’ve worked through worse. Fucking hell.” His rejection sounded quick. “I’m not going to call for Tabby. I’m not interested in working with her on this. She’s probably why I’m down here in the first fucking place.”
The speakerphone came on in both of our rooms. “I’ve been listening the whole time,” A girl whose voice sounded like Patty’s replied through the speaker. “Tabby and Rabia are already en route to treat you and give you a compression glove. You WILL be wearing it if you hurt anything in your hand, Christian. You’re lucky that we had the nurse on site right now.”
“Can’t tell me what to do, Patty!” Christian shouted at her, confirming my suspicions. The boy’s voice was coated less with vitriol than pure annoyance. “I’m fine! I’ve had worse! Ain’t listening to your fuckin’ advice.”
“And we’re not going to let you get away with pushing through worse. If you want to see your sisters again, you’ll comply with us.” This time, the speakerphone only continued in Christian’s room, whereas mine crackled into silence in the background.
“You better not threaten my sisters, you fucking bitches!”
“Who said anything about your sisters, Christian? It’s you who would be in danger if anything happened. Your sisters will be fine.” From my perspective, Patty sounded… genuinely cruel at this moment, like a cartoon supervillain. “You wouldn’t want to wash out~”
“You know, I fucking-ooh, fucking hell, my thumb- I fucking hate you right now, Patty! You can fuck off for all I care.”
“Such kind words for the woman who’s gonna make sure your thumb doesn’t end up like that little finger of yours.”
“You think I had the time to go to the NHS?”
“Believe me, I fucking get it.”
“And why the hell do you have a compression glove ready, anyways?”
“Because you’ve been punching the wall since you got here, Christian. You don’t think we didn’t expect you to hurt yourself from having a go at an immovable object?”
“Well, I thought maybe I’d move one of the bricks and have an opening!”
An audible sigh came from Christian’s speakerbox. “Why do I even bother? Tabby’s gonna give you a stern talking to when she gets there, and if you don’t have enough sense to realize where you are...” It turned off, leaving the two of us to stew in the immediacy before a sponsor arrived.
“Well, Jace, I gotta get ready for this one.” And from there, he likely turned away from the wall to focus on his sponsor coming into the room.
I sighed. It happened again. Christian probably got himself wrapped into trouble for saying something stupid. I shifted myself up the bed for a moment, trying to relax. I grabbed the music player on the desk near me, as well as the approved over-ear headphones. I unraveled the cord from the tangled mess of a state I left it in last time, and plugged it in.
As I began to thumb through the songs, I heard the muffled sounds of what could only be Tabby’s concerned yelling pouring through the poor soundproofing in the walls. I quickly decided on a song, pushed the volume up to max, and settled in for an evening of boosted listening.
Beth
“Two things.” Maria stuck up her middle and pointer finger to make a peace sign at the two of us. “First, there’s no such thing as a normal intake. You think Steph’s addition was normal at all, Beth?”
“No? With how you guys treated her, it seemed like she was a gift to your year of sponsors.”
Maria flashed me a cheeky smile at that, but I noticed that the wrinkles around her eyes only formed on one side. “And she was. As were you. And Diana. And all of the girls who came out of that basement that year, no matter how difficult it was to get you to where you needed to be. Because you were our sisters now. Bonded by a shared experience, where we all came out the other side closer than ever.”
“And with a lot fewer balls between us.”
“You with the balls again, Beth, I swear.” Maria huffed with exasperation. “Back to the point. The second thing is that I am curious about what you’ve heard from Leigh and Tabby.”
“Their boys are talking through the walls,” Steph replied. “Apparently, it’s good bonding time, and there seems to be another side to Christian.”
“Steph, stop undermining my narrative!”
“Well, I will stop you when I’m right.” She planted a kiss atop my forehead, which made me melt directly into her body as she continued. “But, well, the two of them make it seem like there’s a lot of promise for Christian’s success in the programme. If we can get them to bond, and maybe get Christian’s hatred for Jacob to cool… it’ll all work out.”
Maria came close to the two of us. She looked rather wistful, her eyes facing toward the window behind Steph and I. “You both have come so far. You kinda remind me of Tabby, when she first sponsored.”
“I do?”
“You both were so worried about how your year was gonna come out.” Her voice heightened a bit. She took a deep breath, let out a great sigh. “You didn’t know what would work and what wouldn’t. First-timers are always touch and go. Your intake is probably the most one-sided I’ve seen since Tabby’s first time, but you’ll all be fine.”
“You think so, Maria?”
“I know so. You want to know what my bet is in the pool, you too?” She finally turned to look at us. Her face had brightened again, “I predicted nobody would wash out again. And I bet that one of you two would have the first to actualize.”
I smirked. “You? Having confidence in me? That’s a shocker.”
“Bethany Erin Riley. You talked about him washing out, but you lied, didn’t you?”
“Well, I couldn’t wash him out if I wanted to, but… yeah. You’re right. I did.” My smirk turned into a grand smile for the briefest moment, before I realised what she said. “You didn’t question it, babe,” Steph whispered in my ear, before pecking me at the top of the neck with a lipstick-stained kiss.
“God dammit, Maria! Look at what you’ve done. I have a damn kiss mark now!”
“You welcomed it by laying in her arms, Beth,” Maria replied, shrugging. “You know there’s nothing I can do to prevent true love. I’ve got it myself.”
“But you too? Is there a bet on if I would take Steph’s name or something?”
“Beth… Beth, Beth, Beth, there would be a pool, but nobody is willing to take the other side, no matter how much money is raised. You couldn't even get Tabby to put 5 pounds in on the other end as a joke. We know what's going to happen."
I pouted.
“Sorry, babe.”
“Now, now, Aunt Bea’s birthday celebration is in a little bit.” Maria grabbed my arms and pulled me up and off of my girlfriend. “You need to go home and get ready. You know how she is.”
I heard a text ping in our phones. Steph and I, awakened from the peace we felt in Maria’s room, powered on our phones.
2022 Sponsor Hellhole
LoneWolf
God dammit.
Tabby
YEP.
DeckTheHalls
Holy shit Tabby pulled out the bold text.
What happened?
Tabby
Dumbass punched the wall too hard.
At this point, it might genuinely be merciful to give him a punching bag to let out his emotions with.
Mamma Mia
I’m telling Monica 🙁
Tabby
You better fucking not.
LoneWolf
You use the gym, Mia?
Mamma Mia
How else do you think I have the stamina to bother all of you all day?
basement dweller
You’re kidding me.
Bethany%
Well, that's the first injury out of the way.
Mary Quite Contrary
I’m just glad it wasn’t in a fist fight.
Maybe he’ll take a lesson from it.
Tabby
I’m going to talk to him.
LoneWolf
Please…
DeckTheHalls
I gotta help Indira get ready for the lesson.
(DeckTheHalls has gone offline)
(Tabby has gone offline)
Bethany%
Do you guys need our help with this?
Mary Quite Contrary
Yeah, it’d be appreciated.
“Shit, Maria, we gotta catch a bus back to campus. We forgot that there’s a lecture today,” Steph responded, pushing me off her and onto another cushion on the couch.
Maria sputtered in laughter. “Of course. Go have fun, you dorks,” she said, motioning to the door as the two of us scampered each other running outside to make sure we could catch the bus.
“Thanks, Maria!”
“No worries!”
October 26, 2022
“Good morning, everyone!” Indira stood in front of the lot of us, gathered in the common room, swimming with the knowledge that today would be the first time that Tyler and I would be joining a so-called ‘lecture’ with the rest of the boys.
“I’d like to welcome our newest students to our lessons. Everyone, I’m sure you’ve already met Tyler and Jace, but I would be amiss if I didn’t give them a warm welcome to the class.”
Due to bad luck, I found myself on the floor with Ritchie and Gerald. Only the couch was deemed ‘close enough’ to the space for learning, and Henry and Christian had already strong-armed most of the couch. One wasn’t to be budged, and the other saved the space for Tyler, so it meant the three of us were thrown to the floor. I stayed along on the left side of the couch, whereas Ritchie and Gerald flanked the right side.
I found all eyes on me first, so I nervously waved. Tyler did the same from the couch, and Indira’s near-constant smile widened the slightest amount.
“Now that everyone’s acquainted, let’s get to our topic of the day: Expectations. Now, Indira, you ask, what do you mean by expectations? Well, what I mean is the sorts of things that boys and men are expected to do by society. The roles you play; the social cues you take from the older men and women around you, even down to the way you treat others because of the pressures society places upon you to conform.”
Gerald raised his hand, which puzzled me.
“Oh, Gerald, you remembered the rules of the class this time! I appreciate that!” Indira said, surprisingly sounding completely genuine with her compliment. “Now, what is your question?”
Gerald let out a long breath, before smiling fiendishly. “Why do you think that women cause toxic masculinity?” He asked. “It sounds like you left a big part of that out.”
“Oh, but women can help perpetuate toxic masculinity, Gerald!” Indira smiled back. “We are not immune to such behavior. Anyone can perpetuate toxic masculinity when they don’t understand its roots. But I don’t believe your question had good intentions. Did your mother ever tell you that you weren’t being man enough when she wanted you to do something you had no desire to do?”
Gerald’s eyes bulged. He raised a finger to retort, but quickly retracted it and looked away from Indira with a panicked glance at Mia.
“Now that that digression is out of the way, could we think of some examples of the expectations of masculinity that you’re trapped under on a day to day basis? I’d love to start with volunteers, but I am not above putting you on the spot if nobody speaks up. And I know exactly who I’d start with.” She looked right at the boy who decided to try and start trouble.
A few moments of silence floated between us. Eyes shifted: Gerald to Ritchie; Tyler to Christian; Jacob to Henry; Tyler to me. Nobody seemed to want to speak. Gerald began silently pleading with the rest of us, clasping his hands together and moving them in that universal way that meant “I need your help” that would be sympathetic if they weren’t attached to that curly-haired idiot.
I started to slowly move my hand upwards as Indira began to say, “If nobody is willing- oh! Ritchie! Thank you for getting us started!”
I looked over to see Ritchie having sheepishly raised a hand to practically save Gerald’s bacon. “An expectation of being, well… forward, I guess. I never really felt I had a shot at having a partner for most of my teens because I didn’t want to be that myself. But I was told that I had to be forward.”
“That’s… actually multiple different expectations to unravel! I like that answer, Ritchie,” Indira replied, beaming at the boy, who seemed to faintly smile at the affirmation. “The first of those is the forwardness that you explained. There is a binary expectation between men and women that is highlighted as normal in society. Men are made out to be the ones who initiate, and women are made out to be the ones who respond. The aggressive-passive dichotomy affects men and women alike, and to break it…” She looks between Christian and Jacob. “...is seen as a grave sin against society.”
Jacob locked eyes with the woman, before responding, with clarity, “But if it affects us both alike, how is it associated with just toxic masculinity, Indira? Wouldn’t it also be a part of toxic femininity?”
“That sounds far more good faith, Jacob. You are correct, but toxic femininity is out of the scope of today’s discussion. However, I will say that you are leading into the second expectation that I found in Ritchie’s example: How the behaviors expected by society work together. If you are unwilling to engage in masculine behavior, not only do members of your own ‘group’,” she said, with mimed scare quotes, “bring the metaphorical hammer down upon you, but so do those who are expected to engage in feminine behavior. Gerald’s question, as poor taste as it was, highlighted a very good point. The pernicious cycle for many is not only being expected to follow behaviors, but being punished on all sides for not engaging in it. Any questions on this specific part of the expectation?”
We did not utter a word, and after about ten seconds, Indira moved on. “Good! Now, the last part of the expectation Ritchie forwarded: That last leading statement. Did you eventually become someone who was forward with women, Ritchie?” Indira asked, raising an eyebrow, staring daggers into the boy, who shifted in his seat uncomfortably for a few seconds. “I’d like to hear that answer from you, yourself.”
I wondered what the other boys knew. I had an understanding that he had something up with him, but the way that Indira started to pressure him meant that she knew the answer, and that the answer was almost certainly yes.
“I… definitely improved at being the one who made my feelings known to others, yes,” Ritchie replied.
I wondered why the hell he’d volunteer such information when it led to his own personal life. Then I remembered what I told Christian yesterday, and my thoughts immediately shut themselves up.
“Conformity is the last one. Whether boys want to or not, they are made to ultimately conform. To become the police of the boys who come after. For some, it’s out of self-protection. For others, it’s because it is an encouragement of already-present behavior. But for all of them, it becomes a shield, a justification for their actions, no matter how cruel or dangerous.”
Ritchie looked away, ironically in my direction, and I could see the genuine discomfort on his face. When he noticed me staring at him, he moved his own face down, avoiding me, avoiding Christian, likely avoiding anyone who could provide a sense of judgment for his previous actions. Despite this, however, I noticed a hand on Tyler’s shoulder, courtesy of the blonde-haired boy next to him.
“Before I move on to other examples, I would like to thank Ritchie for his candor and his willingness to provide such a good example for the class. I want to encourage all of you to do the same.” Indira lingered for a few moments on the embarrassed boy, her beaming smile radiating warmth so that, when he finally looked up, whether out of curiosity or continued embarrassment, I noticed that he smiled again, for the briefest moment, before retreating back into his own thoughts. “We won’t be leaving here today until I get an example from every single one of you.”
I retreated into myself, not really having anything good to say at that moment.
“Alright. Hmm…” She looked around the room at us. Eyes glinting, shifting from me to Gerald, scanning the room, before landing on a different boy. “Christian!”
“Could… being the provider work?” Christian asked as he seemed to try forming a statement. I finally noticed the compression glove holding his thumb as well as the gauze wrapped around most of his hand as he tried to gesticulate with his right hand. I also noticed him wince before putting it down quickly after raising it. “I’m not sure if that’s within the scope of what you’re asking, but… sigh, guess I’ll try that.”
“Sure. That’s a relatively good one.” Indira nodded her head. “It’s very similar to the forwardness example, but it also comes with the added strain of others relying upon you. If one chooses to be the provider, that’s one thing, but to have the role thrust on you without your consent, that is something else entirely. Raise your hand if you’ve ever seen someone disparage a house husband, or a man who took care of the house while his wife worked, or even just a man whose wife made more. No shame. Just be honest.”
Every single hand went up. Even mine. I thought of my friend’s dad, who had been disabled in the Army, and for whom every day was a living hell. I wondered if he was still okay, if his wife still had her job, if my friend still had her father. If my friend wondered where I was. Or if they’d all moved on.
It was probably better if they did.
“See? It’s not uncommon, but there’s a stigma even from just a simple break with conformity like that. Men occupy varying roles in society, and they can present however they wish. Some men are born, and others are made.”
“Hey, Indira?” Gerald stood up. I noticed the scowl on his face. Ritchie jumped up to try and coax him away, but he just pushed the other boy to the floor. The sponsors tensed up. Mia began to sneak closer and closer to him. “I think this is a load of horseshit.”
“Oh? Then speak your mind. I’d love to hear what you have to say.”
“Some men are born and others are made? Men are born men, women are born women. Trans men can’t be women. Trans women can’t be men. It’s very simple.” Gerald smirked. I could barely control myself. A perfect opportunity. “Anyone who says otherwise is fucking delusional. They just need to be reminded of simple biology and get to their senses. Then they’ll be back to understanding who they are.”
I burst out laughing. “Dude, you’ve got those two backwards,” I said through choked out hysterics. “Y-y-you really t-think that you had a point there? I mean…” I cleared out my laughter, knowing that Gerald got closer. “How you said it? Perfect, no notes. What you meant? That’s gonna need a little work.”
“Then enlighten me,” he growled. “What do you think I should do?”
Oh god, that felt good. I flashed a toothy grin, got up myself, and squared up to him. I was a solid six inches shorter, but I felt confident enough. “I think maybe you should actually listen to them. Maybe, then, you’ll understand enough to actually have good material.”
“Alright, boys, this is what you call aggression,” Indira replied.
“Shut up, Indira! We’re talking!” Gerald exclaimed. I only felt more willing to go at him now.
Indira pulled out her taser. “Alright, Gerald, I’m going to need you to calm the hell down, or you’re going to get tased.”
“You see, Gerald? They never come after me. Because I’m on their side. I’m standing up for my sister and anyone else who’s in the situations of the people you belittle.” I got close and looked up at his face. The sponsors were circling. “I’m immune when I come at you for this stuff.”
“Jace, I appreciate the effort, but this order applies to you, too. Ladies, be ready to separate them if it gets too bad.” Indira mimed something I couldn’t see.
“You’ll get your due, you fucking cunt,” he snarled quietly, so that only I could hear. Between the tasteful makeup and the sweater / skirt combination Gerald had on, it was hard to take him seriously as the figure he was posturing himself as. “You’ve had it too good for too long. The moment I get you alone, you’re going to fucking get it.”
“Come at me, then, Gerald. I’m alone pretty fucking often. You know where to find me.”
Indira gripped Gerald and yanked him away from me, likely realizing that this could be defused without a taser. “And there’s isolation! Now, now, you two, sit back down. You're done. And Jace… that’s strike one, if the other girls agree.”
I looked around, and noticed several women nod. My sponsor hesitated, looking at me with a pained smile, her head seemingly lost in thought as to how to handle the situation. “What?” I looked, wide-eyed, at Indira. “Why me? Not him?”
“Your altercation was a fantastic example of aggression and isolation both! And I think you were due for one. You’ve antagonized Gerald pretty much as soon as you got out of isolation. Even if he was antagonizing you in kind, you’re playing into the role of a toxic guy pretty damn well in this situation. Take it as your own lesson.”
I swiveled back over to Leigh, who sighed and nodded her head, this solemn look on her face. I huffed, looking around the room for any sort of support. Nobody was looking at me, they had all gone back to Indira, who had continued her lesson.
The logic didn’t make sense! I thought they wanted me not to act like a toxic male, so here I was, trying to stand up to the toxic man, but here I was, getting the strike. Before sitting down, Gerald flashed me a shit-eating grin.
“Good job, Jace. Put that little bastard in his place,” Christian leaned over and whispered to me before I finally sat back down. Tyler remained silent, but gave a smile that indicated his assent. At least I had someone in my corner, I guess.
The rest of it went just as expected, with the rest of the boys giving various examples at different, largely muted, levels of enthusiasm. Indira positively responded to their attempts, but I just sat there, feeling every eye on me at that moment. She explained how each expectation weighed upon us, how it collected up and created the very outbursts that I just had with Gerald. While the behavior itself wasn’t always masculine, it reflected in our case as posturing, of retreat from the world as a whole, and that each of us was here in part because of what we showed in that very altercation.
It just left me feeling bitter. It didn’t comport with what I had expected. Maybe, by now, the kid gloves had come off. Maybe it was a warning? A sign of what was to come?
By the time the lesson ended, and we were allowed to go back to our rooms, Leigh was there immediately for me, to guide me back to my space. She didn’t look too bothered. If anything, she looked pleased at me. “Follow me, Jace, and I’ll explain it to you."
“Fair enough, Leigh.”
The two of us walked back to the room designated to be mine, but this time felt less permanent. Like, instead of the jail that it had been to me while I writhed through some of my own emotions, it was just a space to retreat to, like I would return to the boys at some point.
“So,” she started, as the door closed, a deep smile on her face. “You got yourself a strike!”
“What.” She was SMILING? About my strike! What the hell?
“You got yourself a strike,” Leigh repeated. “It’s actually pretty normal for you to get one or two down here.” She looked into my eyes and saw that I was still confused. “To use your language, ‘It’s logical’ that you’d get at least one.”
“But Gerald was the one at fault! Shouldn’t he have gotten a strike?”
“Gerald is… on a different system. Believe me, everyone knew what was coming for him after that one. If we kept giving him strikes, like what you and Christian and Ritchie get, he’d just keep enduring the punishment. It doesn’t actually affect him. For him, and honestly, Jacob too, the current scales of punishment don’t really work. We didn’t know how you’d respond, but it seems like traditional punishment keeps you on the path we want.”
I sighed. Of course, this was planned. “So, what does strike one mean?”
“Not much, really. It’s when you hit strike three when you start hitting actual problems. The first two strikes are… kind of like warnings. Plus, what you did is just a reflection of what you’re here for, Jace. You can’t just… go around being like that to people you don’t like. You’ll get yourself hurt, or worse. Imagine what would happen if you went on Jacob like that.”
“I’d get decked, probably.”
“Not probably. Almost certainly.”
I sighed, knowing full well that she was right.
“This first strike was a wake-up call for you. You need to police your own behavior a bit.” I felt the pit in my stomach shift. Embarrassment welled up in my cheeks. I flushed red.
“So, Leigh… did I fuck up?”
“Think of it as a controlled fuck-up. Some level of what you did, with your history, is expected at this point. But it will always come with the lesson. The strike, the talking to, even other punishments if it's severe enough. You’re trying to do better, which is admirable. Not many come down here with an actual goal of using this opportunity to grow. Can you trust that this is a learning opportunity?”
“I… maybe?” It was a bit awkward, having a woman who was slowly becoming one of my captors, but also one of the women who orchestrated giving me a life again, one that maybe I didn’t want then, but one I now held onto out of a sheer curiosity of where this was going.
“I assume you notice that I am a lot kinder than a lot of the other sponsors down here, Jace.”
“Yeah. I noticed. It didn’t seem right. Didn’t seem like I deserve it.”
“We brought you in because you didn’t deserve it, meaning what the world had given you. I think Tabby called you a ‘mercy’ intake. You didn’t deserve what you got in life, Jace. And honestly? I’d say most, if not all boys that survive the intake don’t really deserve what they got in life. Them being down here can sometimes be the biggest mercy they get in their lives.” She leaned against the table. “And the ones that make it through? They grasp onto it for dear life. They take our help, and they go out into the world as better people.”
What the fuck? “I… I noticed you didn’t include Henry in the punishments discussion. Is he on his own system?”
“Who can say? His sponsor doesn’t talk about how they handle problems. And he rarely causes them, anyways.”
“As for the ‘mercy’ intake… how many of us would you consider other than me as ‘mercy’ intakes?”
Leigh seemed pained at this question. “I don’t think I’m at liberty to say right now. I’m not sure I’m actually allowed to share that info anytime soon. I just… trust you enough to talk about some of these things. That’s all.”
I just had to trust her. As always. She’d come good on the promises so far, but questions pervaded. Leigh wrung her hands nervously. She kept her gaze on me, but I noticed the faint twitches, the desire to look away from me. Her body language was a bit closed off, despite her apparent openness.
“I… I’m glad that you’re starting to connect with a few of the boys, though.”
“You mean Christian and Tyler?” I asked. “I mean, I’d like to get back to them relatively soon. We’ve got a bit more time to socialize before lunch. I’ll admit that Christian grates me sometimes, but Tyler is… surprisingly easy to talk to.”
“I’ll say to keep an eye on Tyler, but I trust your judgment on him.” Leigh’s concern seemed to concentrate on that one point again. “I think that he could cause you and the boys a lot of trouble if you’re not careful.”
“Are you not at liberty to say why?” I asked calmly.
“Not at liberty to say.”
“Alright. Is that everything, Leigh?” I asked, starting to desire to pull away from her. I wasn’t in a particularly devastated mood anymore, but it still hurt that they used this strategy on me.
“Yeah. Want me to lead you back to the common room?”
Leigh
After leaving Jace back in the common room, I ascended the steps, pressed my thumb through the scanner that opened itself back into the common space on the first floor, and entered into a chaotic room of second years trying to make an apple pie.
“Alright, Adele, your pie dough is looking good enough. It’s time to let it go in the fridge for a bit to chill. We can have some lemonade and talk for a bit.”
Diana seemed to fit the role very well. Between her and Tante Valérie, the two of them had a knack for encouraging the second years to push their boundaries as best as they could. I could see the looks of frustration and disappointment on the second years’ faces; they had just gone through the trials of Aunt Béa’s birthday. But then, after that, they had to go through the realisation that we’d all done it before. Even the best bakers in Dorley had been in their position, messing up as second years.
“Yuki, you added a bit too much water. It’s okay; just a bit of flour on a couple sheets of parchment paper, put your dough between them, and roll it out. We’re trying to work the dough as little as possible, so it stays flaky and doesn’t get tough when we bake it.”
I walked over to the counter separating the kitchen from the dining room. and got to viewing the girls in action. Valérie had Rachel and Terri finishing up with their dough discs, while Diana was guiding Yuki and Fern through their processes. I noticed Diana’s eyes trained on Adele as she went to the table and sat down.
“Hey, Leigh, if you’re free, could you keep Adele company?” Valérie asked me as I walked past. I nodded, and moved to the table opposite of her.
“Good morning, Leigh,” Adele replied with her normal restrained grace. She was putting on her red-and-white scarf, handknitted for her by Mary as a celebration for coming upstairs. Despite the warmth of the AGA, and the glow that she had from extended exposure to the thing, she huddled herself into the fabric and, only there, did she seem comfortable enough.
“Seems like you finished quickly with the pie dough, Adele.” “I got to do that a lot as a kid with my mom. She taught me how to bake. Not so much how to cook, though.”
“Yeah? Is that something you want to do a lot more now that you’re above ground?”
“For sure. I didn’t realise how much I’d miss baking until I got access to the AGA. Spices; the scent of vanilla as you’re letting it simmer in cream; the scent of browning butter… these are things you don’t know you’re gonna long for until you’re locked in a basement for almost a year.” She seemed to huddle into herself. Poor thing, riddled with anxiety until she came out to us all in April. Rebecca feared that she wouldn’t be able to do it, but here she was now.
“I get it. I definitely had a hard time with living down there, but you all really had the go-around with it.”
“Yeah. We did.”
“I’m sorry that it went that way.”
“I don’t think anyone could’ve expected the intake to go like that. You’ve made it through, though. You’re here now, with your sisters. With all of us.”
I watched another girl walk up to the table. Terri, bushy-browed, with big, round glasses that seemed to cut through them and make them seem much smaller than they really were. One of the little tricks of womanhood. Without a single word, she gripped Adele in a massive bear hug, meeting her head with Adele’s as she held them tightly together. “I’m not letting you go until you smile.”
“Ew! You’re sticky!”
As the two of them embraced, I thought of the boys in the basement right now. Who would be the first ones to find love down there? Would they see themselves as future sisters? Even Christian and Jacob? Jace and Gerald?
The boys that once made up Terri and Adele were quite different to the sisters across from me now, and I knew much of that was for the better. But just how much?
I got to watch Adele squirm for a few moments, her lips wiggling as she began to make up her mind on what she was feeling. The battle of anxiety and happiness. Mary made me experience it on many occasions in this very room. Tabby and Edy watched this very song and dance number with us, and now I was watching it with these two girls. It was like a never-ending sequence of potential sapphics-to-be learning how to love one another, first platonically, then, for some of them, romantically.
Finally, Adele smiled, and Terri broke the hug. A goofy-looking smile stretched across the bespectacled girl’s face, as she tried to find what both felt natural and looked good on her. “You’re happy again, aren’t you?” She asked, in a voice barely out of the masculine registers.
“Yeah…” Adele responded in kind, her voice helped by the luck of puberty and, as such, already rising into the feminine without much help.
One day, they’ll look back on this stage of their lives with some sort of fondness. The point in time where they were able to fumble through their own bildungsroman. Perhaps these two will be one of the future married couples of Dorley, like Béa and Valérie finally became last year.
“Alright, lovebirds, the rest of us are joining you!” Yuki bounced into the scene with a splash and pulled me from my thoughts. She sat down beside Terri with the big, cold 4 litre jug of lemonade, fresh from the fridge, setting it on the table between all of them. Fern and Rachel followed more quietly to the table, holding eight cups that they calmly passed around the table as Tante Valérie and Diana flanked me on either end.
“After yesterday, I am pleased to say that this morning’s lesson with the pie dough has been successful,” Tante Valérie said, accepting the first pour of the jug by Yuki. “Your progression has been quite satisfactory so far, girls.”
A collective sigh of relief went off across the table.
“Now, now, it’s never too bad when you slip up on a lesson, ladies,” Diana added. “It just means you need a bit more help.”
“Dianaaaaaa,” Fern cried out, holding on the ‘a’ sound for several seconds. “We just want to relax!”
“Well, you have several years of things you were never taught to catch up on,” Diana tutted. “We’re just here to help you get a headstart.” She sipped the lemonade that Yuki poured her and let out a small, refined sigh. “Now, who made the lemonade?”
“M-me,” Adele sheepishly replied, raising her hand from underneath both her scarf and Terri’s smothering encouragement.
“You did very well in making it. It is very refreshing after a hot morning by the stove.”
The crowd roared to life, the girls congratulating Adele as she melted into the attention. I remembered reading her file for the first time, the lot of us cringing so deeply that she was immediately chosen without further deliberation. Between her home life and what she experienced in the basement, it was no wonder that she was taking it one step at a time. Like all of us did. Like all of us still do.
She looked ready to run. She looked ready to try and make a dash for the exit, which was so tantalisingly close that even I had made a stray remark about it not long after we had made the transition from first to second years. Insecure in our femininity, freshly broken, the first pieces put back together, so far away from the women we were to become, it seemed to be a thought that ran through every second year’s mind.
Then I saw her smile, and take in the energy, and watched that sensation drain from her in real time. A deep breath in, a strong exhale, and a sip of cool lemonade she made herself for all of them. She wasn’t the confident girl that Terri was becoming, nor the cheeky one that Yuki had always been. She was quiet, shy, and stuttered her words constantly… but she looked far more comfortable in that than anything else I’d seen from her to that point.
I sipped some lemonade in kind, puckering at the tartness before the sensation mellowed from the cloying sweetness of table sugar. It was nice and refreshing, a little reward for all of them for their hard work and for me from just being there. I felt honoured to get to experience one of the moments that these girls might carry for the rest of their lives.
??????
November 14, 2016
“Come on, I know a place where the cameras don’t look!”
Hazel led me down the hill that flanked the left side of the school, and I watched the cameras affixed to the brick lazily drift from side to side as we bounded across the dirt. The two of us were sweaty from practice, still in our cheerleading uniforms in the dying throes of the fall season. Both of us were but high school seniors, our applications out to schools in the hopes we would both be cheering. She gripped my hand as tightly as Orpheus must have with his beloved Eurydice, never looking back, only moving forward.
“Woah-woah-woah!” I shouted with a tinge of glee in my voice, bounding awkwardly over the uneven ground beneath my tennis shoes. It was unseasonably warm for this time of year, still comfortable enough for bike shorts instead of tights underneath my skirt. My long ponytail fluttered in the wind, while her short bob only bounced and swayed lazily around her head. “Hay-ay-ay-zel! Could you go a little slower?”
“Nope!” She replied wildly, cackling as we finally got to even ground at the bottom of the hill where the back of the lowest floor of the school opened up to the maintenance exits. Before us, there was a little forest with a large fence… but an opened gate. This spot was familiar! Winter had shown me this area before.
She turned her head back at me and winked.
“The forest back here is beautiful, Autumn! I wanted to spend some time out here with you after practice, away from the rest of those girls,” she said, never letting up on her grip, never stopping.
Autumn
“A-alright,” I said, blushing.
This time at a slow pace, the two of us slowly sauntered to the edge of the forest, moving through the suspiciously opened gate, and into the cover of the trees. With each step, dry leaves crunched underneath our feet. Just as Hazel’s tall frame and long legs navigated the space gracefully between the dry spots and the mud, I found myself barely missing them with each footfall. I cursed repeatedly inside my head, knowing full well that mud would be less explainable than the grass stains that so often got on my skirts and shoes on a freshly cut football field.
“We’re almost there,” she said after a couple of minutes of walking, pointing down the path towards the clearing. Past the line of trees, a round clearing laid, with only a single, broad-trunked tree standing tall in the dead center. Hazel suddenly picked up the pace, leaving me to take almost two steps for each one of hers. I did my best to keep up, suddenly stepping into a mud spot or two, further dirtying up white shoes fresh from their weekly Sunday wash.
Mom wouldn’t be pleased.
As we exited that part of the forest and entered the clearing, I saw the sun in its position in the sky, blistering the dying throes of the day with brilliant reds, oranges, and pinks as it broke above the treeline in the distance. Nearing the tree, Hazel slowed her pace to a light jog, finally breaking her grip on my fingers just a couple dozen meters from the oak tree.
“And… we’re here!” Hazel said, lightly panting to catch her breath.
I, on the other hand, was doubled over, trying to collect myself after being put well above my normal pace just trying to hold up with that crazy woman.
“C-captain… be careful. I am small,” I exclaimed through ragged breaths, stumbling awkward steps to close the distance while still bent over.
“You’re a flyer! I know this, Autumn!” Hazel exclaimed, taunting me with her continued capacity to laugh. “I’m the one that always catches you. You know how cute you look up in the air like that. I appreciate that you trust me enough to put your life in my hands.”
“You’re the best… back spot… a girl could ask for…” I panted out, before inhaling a large breath and arching back upwards. “Hoo, lord, I’m not good at sprints.”
“If you’re gonna be a college cheerleader, babe, you gotta brush up on that. Why don’t you ask your little brother?” Hazel asked me, and I cringed at the thought of making poor Winter coach me. I cringed even further that, eventually, I’d have to tell Hazel, risking it all on if she’d be okay with my little sister.
“He’s not a good coach. I don’t think he’d be very helpful,” I said, leading to Hazel laughing. “I’m just being honest, Hazel!”
“I know, I know,” she replied. “I like that about you. Why don’t you practice with me this weekend? You gotta go above and beyond to get into further shape if you want to be the best you can.”
“I guess I can do that,” I said back, shaking my head and making an amused face. “I means I can hang out with you more without the parents suspecting.”
“I’m sorry that yours suck so much, Autumn,” she said.
“No worries. So, what do you wanna do here?” I asked, before she reached over and grabbed the neckline of my shell and pulled me close to her.
“Well, you said you’d never had a first kiss before. I wanted to give you one,” she said. “If you wanted, that is.”
I grew deep red and broke away from her. “W-w-w-what? What if our parents found out? What if the team found out? Wouldn’t that dampen your chances at a scholarship?”
“I’m… honestly tired of hiding it. Autumn, these days, nobody cares in college if you’re a lesbian,” Hazel explained, looking a little annoyed. “Plus your grades are amazing! Colleges would be fucking stupid to not want a little smarty-pants like you.”
“What about you? We almost won state last year because of your work. We’re one of the favorites to do it again. Imagine being the cheer captain of a state-winning team, Hazel! That’s a hell of an achievement!”
“I’m just a B/C average student, Autumn.”
“How’s this? I tutor you through our senior year, and you help me condition for our last year of cheerleading,” I offered. “It seems like a fair trade.”
“Girlfriends don’t have to make it about ‘fair trades’, Autumn!” Hazel squealed, picking me up. I similarly squealed, feeling a few inches off the ground, my feet awkwardly dangling as she pressed me into her chest. “I do things because I love you. Like I do this because I love you.”
She gave me a little peck on my left cheek, and an elating warmth spread throughout my whole body. I wriggled my hands from underneath her bear hug, and softly gripped the sides of her head through her short hair. I locked eyes with her for what felt like eternity… before I planted my lips onto hers. She leaned back onto the tree, and I felt the world pulling me down less as I now, more or less, rested on the slightly slanted body of my girlfriend.
We stayed there for what felt like ages. I tasted the tinge of artificial bubblegum from the lip balm she wore, as we went from leaning on the tree to slowly sliding down towards the ground around the tree. While lip-locked, we tried to awkwardly navigate the massive roots of the tree that hid our supposed crime from the world. The two of us felt distant from the rest of the world. She led the way through this experience, and I followed her into a soft paradise as the two dirtied our cheer uniforms, rolling on the grass in the shade as sunset melted into dusk.
Even after our lips parted, we laid in the grass, smiling like the two innocent schoolgirls we were. We forgot about the rest of the world, watching the stars on a rapidly cooling fall evening. We didn’t care about the homework that the two of us undoubtedly had already done. We didn’t care about the judgment of the rest of our team. Explaining our late outings to our parents would come later.
Even the possibility we would go to different schools down the line didn’t really matter. All that mattered was that evening, and the soft, warm feelings it brought for the both of us.
Hey, everyone, I hope you enjoy this chapter! We're starting to move more into the intake itself, and I wanted to say thank you for the support that you've given this story so far. I really do appreciate it. I hope that everyone continues to enjoy.
Chapter Title Reference: Imploding the Mirage - The Killers