Out of the Woods

(CW: References to discredited trans classifications, reference to suicide)

October 13, 2022.

Leigh

My headphones blasted in my ears as I threw punch after punch into the bag, faking ducks and weaves, switching up my cadence, rolling with the momentum as it swung around, tracking the directions I fired punches. My use, along with Tabby’s and now a cavalcade of past and present attendants of the Dorley program, has highlighted the importance of the gym.

Tabby was stretching, loosening up her muscles before our run. She had gotten in here a few minutes before I did, having already finished up at the neighbouring bag which still lazily lilted against the air conditioned breeze from the machine nearby. Said breeze was one of the beauties of moving up here, even on cold days where the sweat helped to regulate temperature.

I fired off a kick to switch up the tempo, to take my imagined opponent off-guard. It connected right below his waist, just below where the ribs end, a soft spot that took many opponents off guard, with a side kick. I stopped, cursing myself internally. Not good enough. Not fast enough. It could’ve been blocked.

My brain had been invaded with thoughts of my intake, whom I let take a quick shower before their checkup, and before I came up here. They seemed to hide themselves as much as they could. Washed themselves with their back turned to me, intentionally reached their hands behind their back to avoid showing their front to me. I had reminded them it was nothing I hadn’t seen before, but they still refused to turn towards me. Even more, their full body seemed relatively clean shaven. There were obvious patches on his back that would need help getting (perhaps one of their future ‘friends’ would help), and it was clear that they’d need a LOT of sessions with laser, maybe even electro in various places, but you could tell they went through great effort to keep themselves as clean as possible.

A lot of this was normal behaviour for boys down here. I remember hearing another sponsor, who had been involved in the disastrous 2021 intake, talking about the reticence of some of the young men in the earliest days of the campaign. In these first few weeks, it was before the beginning steps of body shame resocialization had begun, and the boys often reflected their upbringings in their reactions. While some of them (like Bethany had been in the earliest days) had no shame, given some reason like boarding school or just a lack of care for who saw them naked, many of the boys would be incredibly shy at the start regarding their bodies. Especially around women like us. If we were able to be truthful, we could state that they were being acclimated to being casually intimate around other women, but normally first showers down here will be with other boys. They didn’t know they were becoming women yet. But just as we were treated in our stays down here, we just had to use the force of power imbalance and tasers to manage them for the time being. As much as I wanted to trust Jace, we were alone, and I was not sure I could, in good conscience, leave them by themselves in the shower.

I regretted how they seemed to feel around me. Showers were one place where we generally did not place cameras, so this felt wholly necessary for today. We weren’t fuckin’ monsters, but their situation necessitated the need to… monitor them.

At the very least, I could see them smile again once he got on the standard issue uniform for boys in Dorley: Baggy hoodie, sweat pants, trainers. Freshly laundered by Mary upstairs, as a part of the promise to return that blanket. I smiled as they commented on how warm everything was, how comfortable they felt… although they were speaking on the ‘tennis shoes’ fitting weirdly.

I started to go again. I threw myself harder into the back, even slamming my elbow into it. It made no sense, putting Jace through it. We’d helped other trans women go through the process. Perhaps, convincing Jace of who they were was step one… and there’s the fact that they’re a damn Yankee…

Okay, fair enough. I paused for a moment, lost in thought, barely able to keep myself from dodging the bag. They couldn’t be helped in the traditional way; too many loose ends. Plus, how would we get them hormones in America, and given their file… Hell, I can’t even gender them as a man anymore in my head. All those aliases; all those servers on their public Consensus…

Tabby placed a hand on my shoulder. I take off one of my headphones and pause the music, letting out a sigh.

“Hey,” she said, “We need to get going. If you want to get a short jog in, we need to go now.” I nodded, letting out a breath, wiping the sweat from my forehead. Some of the anger from before remained, but I felt much more at ease. “You’re right,” I replied. “I needed to get some of this out of my system. All this stuff with my intake…”

“I know,” Tabby said, smiling at me the same way she always did. “But you can’t always just respond to this stuff with anger.”

“Okay, mom,” I groaned, leaving Tabby in a fit of giggles. “I just…”

“I know why you took an extra year before starting your studies, Leigh,” Tabby said.

“I need to get a grip on myself,” I replied. “I’ll help out a bit here, I’ll mentor Jace, and I can study and brush up on what I need to know to get myself into the best space I can to help everyone here.”

“Haven’t you considered that you’re too much of a perfectionist, Leigh?” Tabby asked. “You’ve got a bright future ahead of you. Aunt Béa herself said you could’ve graduated if you wanted. You got the go-ahead before Stephanie; you even beat that little upstart Bethany, yet here you are, taking a fourth year with Olivia. You’re shaping to be one of Dorley Hall’s great success stories, but even Olivia’s taking nursing classes. You're just... focused on the Hall at this point.”

“You know I’ve got a meeting with Aunt Béa in a little bit,” I said. My mind dwelled on how that shrewd woman would react. While there had been changes to Dorley in the previous few years, she has been an intentional gatekeeper to keep the secrets safe. “I just… I know what this kid is. I know I can’t push them too quickly. But I feel like I have to defend my choice to put them down there.”

“She’s known that you’ve pursued his case for a few weeks now, Leigh,” Tabby replied, her smile growing. “I don't think she will chastise you for taking decisive action. I don’t think you’re being silly with your worry either, but I think you should be kinder to yourself right now. This is the first day of your first intake. You’ve just created a headache for Aunt Béa.”

“I guess,” I replied. Never drawing Béa’s attention to you is just generally good advice, and it goes doubly when you’ve created trouble. Having her laser focused on your actions was just a recipe for disaster. “I hope she doesn’t try to wash me out now, after I’ve done so much work. She seems so interested in my success.”

“You’d be the first she’s washed out after the first year, to be completely honest,” Tabby said. “Hell, we have non-binary graduates, which you could argue is a complete rejection of some of the goals of the program. I remember how Amethyst and River really messed with Aunt Béa’s head when they first came out.”

“Yeah, that’s fair,” I replied, now a bit lost in thought. “I don’t want to break their egg too forcefully. I want to make them come to the realisation themselves.”

“You see the egg, Leigh, and you see something to take apart, piece by piece, methodically. That seems to be your style,” Tabby said, turning to look at the punching bag. She riled up her fist and hit it right into the bag. “I see something to scramble. I’m getting that egg out of the shell as quickly as I can and letting it see the sun. Obviously, I’m not going to push them out before they’re ready, but you might delay something very beautiful by your methods.”

“Well, I guess you did that with me,” I said, reminded of how quickly, in relativity to the actualization of other girls down here, that I was moved along. “Was I the quickest trans girl to actually come out in the basement?” I quietly ignored Steph, given that she knew she was trans years beforehand. I was calling myself… what was it? Autogynephile? God, I hadn’t thought of that word in a couple years at this point.

Tabby snorted. “I’m not gonna try to make a new record to make you feel better. I think Vicky beat you, anyways,” she replied. She paused for a moment, as if a lightbulb had gone off in her mind, and she excitedly continued, “Speaking of new records, have you heard what Mia’s planning?”

“No, but I saw the pile of cat ear hoodies that her and Jodie were stitching,” I added, thinking of Jodie being basically passed out on top of one of them. “Is she trying to replicate another one of ‘her’ in the basement?”

“She’s calling it Bethany%,” Tabby added. I couldn’t help it, so I burst out laughing. “No, no, it’s as stupid as you think it is. She wants to beat Steph and Maria’s record with Bethany. She wants to get her charge, I think his name is Gerald, up to the first floor, at the Christmas Party, by any normal means possible, with a new name in tow. I think she’s looking for any signs of another Steph, or another you, to push her charge to latch onto.”

“You’re kidding,” I said through choked-back noises. “Like Beth-any%?”

“Yes. She was cackling in the hall when she thought of it. It was to the point that the intakes heard her laughing while in the common room. She got that loud. Gerald was cowering in the corner, according to the girls watching them down there at dinner time.” Tabby let out a long wheeze, before quickly calming her face. “If your charge is what you think they are, and I’m inclined to agree with you… keep Mia away from you at all costs.”

“Got it,” I replied. So, now I’m going to have to manage Mia alongside Jace. Cool. “So… your advice with that?”

“Good luck,” Tabby replied, flashing me a grin. “I’m not your sponsor anymore! I’m still your big sister, but I have my own charge to take care of now. If Christian, the little bastard, doesn’t wash out, I may have a lot of work to do moulding him into a fine young woman.”

“Not gonna scramble his egg, like you told me to do?” I asked, flashing a smug grin. “God, you’re so much harder to rile up these days,” Tabby replied.

“Love you, big sis,” I said, blowing a kiss.

“Well, we need to get going, okay? We don’t have a ton of time today.”

“Well, I do, but I get what you mean.”

---

Jace

“So, your vitals are normal enough, Jace,” one of the nurses kindly said to me. She had started off a bit rough, but once she realized I was completely compliant, she had softened up significantly. She’d refused to tell me her name for now. “I’m sorry that you had all that happen to you.” I unrolled the sleeve of my new plain, grey hoodie back down to where it rested around my wrist.

I saw the second nurse hover towards the back. She was much taller than the first, and she looked… deeply uncomfortable in my presence, barely even looking at me. She seemed a bit older than me, but I felt an inexplicable connection to her. Her long brown hair was held in a neat bun, and her soft blue eyes held fast to the cart, awkwardly sorting the materials. She meticulously adjusted her shirt sleeves, which seemed to slip a bit down her wrists as she worked. She seemed to not be too relevant to my checkup, but her presence seemed to be very important to the first nurse, named Rabia. She was encouraging the second, who was named Olivia, to get involved, but she remained silent and leered far behind.

I sighed. “It’s… okay,” I said simply. I could tell, with her, that I could be more… okay. This relationship was strictly professional, so there wasn’t a need to get close. Not a need to blow up.

“It’s never okay. I’ve had to help care for several people like you in all my years as a doctor,” Rabia said calmly, solemnly. For once, Olivia’s gaze was fully focused on me. “Not all of them made it. I’m glad that you did.”

“What do you mean?” I asked, thinking of the possibility that there were others like me before, who tried to… my mind backed away from the thought. It would harm me too much to consider.

“I think you’ll understand more in time. Neither of us much like talking about it,” Rabia replied. Olivia went back to looking away. It’s very likely that whatever the assistant was doing was functionally useless, in rearranging the tools in sterile gloves, except in that it kept her busy.

“Alright.” I kept a tight leash on my thoughts. I wondered what Olivia’s story was; if she was down here, and she wasn’t even willing to look at me, maybe she… no, I’d rather not think about that. Dwelling on it would just make the bile rise further. “So… Do you need anything else from me?”

“Not this time. You need to rest, but for now, you apparently have visitors,” Rabia said, smiling. She grabbed her cart and moved for the door. “Thank you for being a compliant patient, Jace. Enjoy your day.” She pressed her thumb up to the scanner, let it activate, and then the two walked out… as two other girls walked in.

The first was an incredibly beautiful woman, about my height, with voluminous chocolate brown locks framing a face partially obscured by thick sunglasses atop high-set cheekbones. She had no makeup on at that moment, but she was immaculately dressed. She was dressed in a flowing white button up with pockets on either end, the first two buttons opened, tucked with overhang into black slacks tastefully rolled up to show a bit of her legs. It was all held in place at her waist by a brown belt with a chunky buckle, the ends of it left to dangle. She was wearing well-shined brown ankle-length boots with a thick heel that made a loud click as she walked.

The second, led in attached to the hand of the first, seemed the same height at first, with a round face framed by a beaming smile; fiery red hair tucked behind her left ear and left to flow behind her right shoulder, blue eyes that reminded me vaguely of my own sister’s. Like the first, she had no makeup on, but she was dressed a bit more conservatively. She wore a black, long-sleeved top with smaller white buttons, showing very little skin, fully buttoned all the way to the neckline. Her shirt neatly fit into light brown slacks that rested lower than the first girl, the outfit put together with a thinner brown belt. Unlike the first girl, she was wearing what looked to be a comfortable pair of black flats that only served to highlight the differences in height between the two.

“Hey, Jace!” The second exclaimed as she entered. “It’s good to see that you’re safe.”

“Dude,” the first said, more exasperated, as she took off her sunglasses to reveal narrowed eyes that matched her hair. “You’re fuckin’ heavy, you know that?”

I couldn’t help but laugh for a moment. I couldn’t have expected that from someone I hadn’t even met before. Who the hell leads with that? From first impressions, it seems the first girl also wasn’t expecting that, letting out an awkward laugh and playing pushing into the other. “Bethany, you couldn’t wait to say something like that?” The redhead asked the girl I now knew as Bethany, cutting through her own laughter.

“What can I say?” The boisterous woman replied loudly. “Polar bears heavy enough to break the ice and all. I wasn’t about to let you turn this into a sobfest, Steph.”

“Um… could I know why you decided to pay me a visit?” I asked. “It seems a bit random to have two girls I’m not sure I’ve ever seen before come into a hospital room, and then one comment on my build. Don’t you think so?”

“Well,” Bethany said, drifting on the second part of the word, letting her tongue drift on her front teeth, “we’re the ones who pulled you out of the water. Well, us, Mary, and Tabby pulled you out. For someone so small, you’ve got a lot of weight on that frame. Hence, ‘you’re fuckin’ heavy’.”

“Well, I work out a lot,” I replied, cupping a hand over a flexed arm. Strength was one of the few things I could take some pride in myself for having. I watched Bethany stick a finger in her mouth and mime a gagging motion. “I like how it made me feel, you know, let me feel better during the day. But still… all of you did that?”

“We just wanted to see you safe,” Steph added, leaning against the door, giving me space while taking precautions. “You’ve met Mary, from what I heard. You’ll meet Tabby eventually”

“Yeah, she, uh…” I felt the feelings rise again in my abdomen. I had no interest in yelling at these beautiful young girls, so I endeavored to swallow them. They simmered below. I knew I could only hold it in for so long. “She prayed for me. Prayed for my continued safety through this dark time.”

“She tends to do that,” Bethany said, waving her sunglasses around in her right hand with reckless abandon. “I think she’s one of the few deeply religious girls left in Dorley Hall.”

“Not a lot of faith in the girls here,” I said, offhandedly. Not a lot of crosses around here these days.

“Oh, Faith? There’s been a Faith who came through here already, I think,” Bethany replied, obviously lost in thought. “She doesn’t come around much anymore. Very active on social media, though.”

“Beth…” Stephanie slightly tapped her on the back of the head. “You know what they meant.”

“Stephanie, let me have my fun!” Bethany pouted, which I had to admit was incredibly adorable.

“There’s not a lot of particularly religious people who come through the hall, but Edy and Mary have retained a strong attachment to faith. I would believe that she would pray for you in a moment of crisis,” Steph opined, before blowing a stray strand of hair that moved across the front of her face. “But neither are gonna push it on you.”

“Well, that’s a relief,” I replied. Religion and I had never quite… worked out well together. For once, something like that wasn’t my problem. “So… you really just came to see me? No other strings attached?”

“Pretty much,” Steph said. “Leigh’s gonna give you a rundown, and then she’s probably gonna crash. You had a ton of us up all night, you know?”

“Oh…” Fuck. The recognition of what my selfish actions did to others made the feelings well up even further. I could feel the negativity bubbling up inside me. “I… I’m sorry to all of you…”

“You can apologize by doing your best here, okay?” Bethany replied, bothering me with her tone of voice. It sounded very matter-of-fact. “We’re gonna lead you to your room in a few minutes. Mary’ll be downstairs in a little bit with the blanket when it’s done being washed, and you’re gonna be left to just relax today. You’ll have ways of entertaining yourself. While you can, well…” She made a motion that looked suspiciously like jerking off, and giggled. “Remember. From here on out, we’ll be able to see any of your actions. Call it voyeurism, but we’ve had enough go on before that we aren’t taking any chances on someone like you. Remember to use a sock or something; we’d rather not need to clean that off the sheets every day, or however often you boys go at it.”

I shuddered at the thought that my masturbation habit could be seen by the girls down here, and I crossed my hands over my crotch. I heard Bethany’s giggle turn into uncontrollable laughter behind me. Any apologizing I had in my head immediately faded to the back of my mind; now, I was thoroughly creeped out. First, the shower with a girl I thought I trusted watching me from behind, and now needing to hide myself whenever I did the deed… God, what had I been signed up for?

“Tonight, Leigh will make sure you have everything set up, after her nap later, and then you’ll be able to have dinner and another shower, if you’d like,” Steph added. “Tomorrow, you’ll be introduced to the rest of the intake, although, depending on how quickly we move, you might get accosted by one of them. The layout of this floor means that you’ll walk by the kitchen on the way here from the examination room.”

Stephanie’s pocket buzzed, and she retrieved her phone. Apparently, she was the type to leave her phone off silent mode. “Oh, damn,” she said, pinching the bridge of her nose. “They just sat down for breakfast a few minutes ago. Yeah, you’re probably gonna be seen by them. Sorry, Jace. Just try to… let it roll off your back, okay?”

“Fine,” I said flatly, moving towards the door. I knew now that I was downstairs somewhere. I also noticed Bethany’s hand reflexively move towards her taser, and I leaned back from Stephanie. If I was left with them for too much longer, I might start to lash out at them. “Let’s just get this over with, okay?”

“Alright.” Stephanie moved incredibly slowly towards the thumb press. “Just giving them… enough time… to get the boys to breakfast…” Before she pressed it, she stopped. “Hey, Jace, I’m going to text someone to be next to the stairs, okay?”

“Fine by me,” I replied. “I have no interest in leaving. What Leigh said was right. I’d probably off myself if I had gotten to leave.” I felt my body decompress a bit as I got snippy with the two girls.

“Rude,” Bethany said.

Stephanie sighed, whether out of annoyance or concern, I couldn’t quite tell. She tapped on her phone with the speed of a teenage girl desperate to gossip, and I heard the noise of a sent message. “I’m still doing it. Jace, please,” she said in a tone that sounded like pleading. “Just… remember that we’re all here to help.”

“I… understand.” Really, I was less sure of my choices here, given the veritable… if not Hell, then Purgatory… that I had walked into. I decided to say my peace, to not let these feelings fester into something deeply negative. “It just feels like, one moment, you will show me the utmost kindness, and then the next, commit me to what feels like actual torture.”

“That’s a normal reaction,” Stephanie replied.

“Is it going to continue like this for much longer, Steph?” I asked, longing for reassurance in the negative. When she looked away, hesitated for an answer, my face fell. More bile. “Great… fuckin’ great…” I felt insults on my tongue. “Hey, could we just… get me to my room? I feel like if I stay any longer, I’m going to say something I will regret.”

Stephanie rapidly nodded. The door opened, and she beckoned me to follow. I saw a staircase to my direct left, guarded at some distance by a tall black girl with high-top dreads swept forward to the right side of her head. She looked to be in warm workout gear, a grey, unlabeled tracksuit and bright white sneakers. When she saw me lock eyes, she flashed me an understanding smile. I looked at her with some confusion, wondering why she’d view me with something resembling sympathy as I was led forward. While the taser wasn’t to my back, a quick look behind me suggested that Bethany was holding it rather close to me.

“That’s Tabby,” Bethany whispered.

We turned right and moved forward. We passed the kitchen, where I saw a group of five boys all eating at a grand wooden table that, logistically speaking, should not have fit down here without being in sections. Around them stood seven young women, all in varying stages of dress, arms crossed or at the ready, tasers in hands and holsters. A few talked, but most kept their eyes to some boy or another, looking for signs of danger. One even had cat ears on his hoodie.

“Oh, look!” The boy closest to the door flashed me a cheeky, predatory grin. His blond hair was likely cut into a high fade all around the sides and, on better days, the top would likely be slicked back and to the side. However, it looked like he was starting to have the hair grow back in on the sides, and the hair on his crown was lazily brushed to one side, at the whims of gravity and his hair follicles. As it were, the sudden hair movement made it disperse all around his face, and he had to hold it back. He waved to me with his free hand and exclaimed, “Welcome to feminazi paradise, brother!”

I stopped, raising an eyebrow, suppressing the chill my body felt at the last word he said. Bethany froze, permitting me to shoot a glare at the man in front of me… although boy would be a much better title. He didn’t even look like an adult, the way his baby face and unkempt hair betrayed a youthfulness that did not seem apparent in the others. I wanted nothing to do with him.

“Oh, come on, man, you’re one of us! We gotta stick together down here,” he replied, smirking.

I realized there was no good way out of this, and held back a wince before giving him an awkward-feeling smile. “These ladies here are takin’ me to my room, my dude,” I replied, masking my disgust at his words, and intentionally moving forward, trying to bait Bethany to beckon me to keep moving. “Nothin’ I can do. Maybe when they let me out of containment.”

“Right on, brother.”

“Keep it movin’,” Bethany said, poking the taser in my back and keeping me forward. I saw him wave at me, and I gave a nod to him just as the boy passed out of my sight. As he did, I let out a sigh and cursed under my breath.

“We got a Yankee down here! This is gonna be interesting!” I heard a different boy exclaim, the words slowly getting quieter as I kept moving.

“Is that guy really going to be one of my companions down here?” I asked.

“Well, you’re no saint, yourself,” Bethany replied. “Remember the women you harassed?”

“Is what he did really on my level?” I asked. From how he acted, he seemed like an asshole. I couldn’t find myself connecting to him on any level.

“Leigh will get you up to speed later today, okay?” Stephanie said as we hooked around the corner. Guess my comment would be ignored. No matter…

One more hallway stepped forward, towards a broad wall in the back, with ten rooms labeled with various numbers, with 01 and 02 on the closest doors. We stopped at 06, and I got a glance at the paint job. It looked recent, no signs of chipping.

“This will be your room while you’re here, okay?” I heard Steph say, which shocked me back to reality.

“I understand and agree,” I say out of fear of reprisal. I winced a bit, looking away from Steph, feeling the bile pool up behind my lips.

Steph sighed. “You don’t have to say that to everything, you know? I appreciate you getting into character, but…”

“But what?” I asked, partially to get a reaction, feeling a bit of pride after seeing the mixed emotions well up behind a paper-thin facade.

“I’d rather not push her, okay, Jace?” Bethany asked. When I looked back, if she had a ‘mask’ on hiding her true emotions, it was much more opaque. The girl at my height glared at me sourly. “You’ll learn in time. Just trust that.”

“In time, my ass! What’s so important to not tell me now, you secretive bitches?” I shouted, pushing at the door before the split second realization came to me that I couldn’t open it myself. A bit of bile had escaped me, and I put my hands over my mouth before looking at Bethany, whose scowl bore into my soul.

“Get inside,” Bethany commanded, and I complied on the threat of a tasing. I felt a wobble in my step. I needed to sit down. I felt disoriented.

It was a rather cramped space, but somehow slightly bigger than the dorm room that I had occupied prior to being put in here. I made a beeline for the bed, not paying attention to the rest of my surroundings, hitting the side of the frame on my leg as I got myself on top of a mattress that seemed to have much in the way of give. I winced as I noticed the momentary pain, raising my left leg up and resting it on my right knee and rubbing it. “Fuck! Fucking hell! Shit!” I exclaimed, little bits of bile escaping my throat.

Bethany had brought herself alone into the room with me, closing the door behind us. “You’re being a whiny little brat, you know that?” She said, a voice devoid of emotion outside of a cold bitterness.

“I… I’m sorry. I’m still not in too good of a state. It’s… hard not to try and blow the hell up at you both. Neither of you deserve it. I just… I need to blow up. I need to let it out, and retreat away for a bit. That’s how my body’s always been. I want control, but this is the only way my body gives it.” I looked away, betraying how I felt internally for a moment. My logical regret fought with my illogical anger. I swallowed a gulp of air.

“Alright. You need to blow up? Blow up at me. Don’t blow up at Leigh. Don’t blow up at Steph. Because you know who decided to save your sorry ass? Me.” She pointed to herself. “We could’ve easily left you to fucking die, okay, Jace? We’ve done it before. We’ll do it again. We chose to save you because we thought you had a better chance of redemption than others. Every choice we make is a calculus. Sometimes, we choose wrong. Prove to us that we did choose right. So go ahead. Do your worst.”

Again. Any motivation that I had to blow up at someone was gone. The thrill that my body would’ve gotten out of it, the satisfaction that would’ve kept the emotions at bay. She was gonna take it on the chin. I took this girl for a jokester, but any laughter she showed just a bit ago was gone. She was fucking scowling.

On top of it, my life was at her whim. This woman wasn't a jokester; she was a goddamn jester. She was playing with fate, deciding my existence was something that should get to see another day. I had gone out there with a purpose, armed with liquid courage and a remote place where nobody knew me and nobody could tell the signs leading up to it, and that purpose was frustrating. Frustrated by the woman in front of me now.

“Well, I’m waiting, Jace.” I noticed her composure break, her voice stutter the smallest amount. Was this really her? Or what it just a facade for herself?

The bile pushed up the body and towards the throat. But… instead, it couldn’t push all the way out over my tongue, forcing my teeth open to fire vitriol at Bethany. I wanted her mask off, to expose the underbelly, so I could attack who she truly was.I tried to force my neck muscles, to massage it forward for a few brief moments, using everything I had to try and let it all out. But I looked into Bethany’s eyes to spew hatred, and I saw my older sister for a few moments. Blessed Sandra, four years my senior. Bethany’s height. Maybe she was older than Beth. Probably. And I looked away.

“I… fuck it, the heart’s not in it,” I said, pulling my legs up to my torso and wrapping my arms around them. “There’s a… there’s a logic to it. I’m pissed, I’m frustrated. If it had been Steph, I probably could have gone off on her for a while, maybe I would’ve made her cry. Get her to leave me the fuck alone. Get you to leave me the fuck alone. And maybe, I would’ve been satisfied. If I blew up at you, I can tell you can take it. Take it and dish it back at me.”

“So, you think Steph is an easier target than me, eh?” Bethany asked, raising half her lip to form an aggressive-looking half-grin. Her brows furled in anger. She moved closer to me, and I cowered deeper into a ball. The lack of confidence I noticed in her was gone. “You see, this is what happens with boys like you.” I shivered, locking eyes with her, and muttered two words: “Please stop.”

“Stop? What happened when the girls you harassed told you to stop? Did you not just keep going, Jace?” Bethany exclaimed, without raising to a shout. While Bethany’s facial expressions showed the greatest vitriol, her eyes were different. They showed nothing but kindness. Sympathy. Empathy? “You kept shouting at them. You kept harassing them. When did they get relief? When they finally were able to get away from you, running with tears in their eyes, or blocking you on everything they could? There was no other way to get you to stop. You had girls switch classes to avoid you, to make sure there was no way that they’d be on your projects. Your shit doesn’t work here. Leigh will avoid it, and stonewall you when you try it on her. Mary and Steph will find ways to disarm you. The other girls have their own tactics. And me?” Her face softened, but the grin grew full as she got right up in my face, her voice lowering to a quiet whisper. “I will be worse. I got a lot of practice in oneupsmanship, and I learned it from the best.”

My voice came out in a croaky whisper: “I thought you… only took me in because I tried to off myself…”

Bethany reclined backwards. “Yeah. We did. You were someone we thought we could try to reform in other ways. But what I see now is that I think we made the right decision, damn any of the consequences. You’re someone who will be easy to reform down here, you know? Who I see is someone built on habits. For some reason, your body seems to get off on blowing up on others. I personally don’t care much for why. But I think the cure will be a good dose of not giving you what you want. And I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows. Perhaps you’ll get something out of your fellow boys. But I’d advise you not to. You’re the shortest by far. Perhaps you might get a right hook in. But if you piss off everyone down here, you’re not gonna survive.” She sighed, relaxed into a smile, as if nothing had happened. “Okay, Steph, you can come in now,” she called out.

I heard Steph yell as she walked in. I couldn’t cry. I couldn’t scream. I didn’t feel much of anything at that point. Where anger usually overwhelmed me, it had been defeated. I was… exhausted. The wind was out of my sails. Even the vitriol had been beaten away. I took heavy gasps, trying to catch my breath after that. The words started to become more coherent. “Bethany, what the hell did you do?”

“Put the fear of God into him?” Bethany asked. When I looked into her face, the confidence had melted. There, it looked like… regret? Does she think she fucked up with what she said? Nothing was wrong. A part of me felt validated. Maybe I did deserve to die.

“He looks like he’s been traumatized! Don’t you think you’ve gone a bit too far?!” She exclaimed, pointing over at me, as I retreated into a ball, looking away from the attention. I didn’t want it right now.

“No, no, she’s… she’s right,” I said without thinking. I consciously knew it, even if my body had less than zero interest in admitting it. I didn’t have it in me to cry, to yell, to scream. It hadn’t been like this in years. I should’ve been yelling, ranting, screaming by now. Where is it? Where’s that feeling? “I probably need… whatever it is you do down here. I’m not in a great place, and I haven’t been in a long time. If you believe you can fix me, by all means, I’ll go along with whatever your program has in mind. Bethany, I remember that you had said that I would be a good fit for this program.”

“Guilty as charged,” she replied. I noticed her voice had fallen a good bit. Her eyes looked far more sympathetic than just a few moments before, moving away from mine.

“So… what is this program?” I asked. So far, it seemed drastic, and it seemed like only boys were down here. Even if I felt… out of step with the boys I’d had in my life, I couldn’t help but notice that and associate myself with the rest of them. “I noticed others down here when we walked by. They seemed like… like fucking assholes. Do you think you can redeem them, in whatever way you are going to work some sort of special magic on us? Do you guys see me as just like them? Can’t you tell me anything else about this program?”

“We can’t tell you much right now,” Steph interjected, wearing a look of resting concern. I frowned at her, and she firmly shook her head. “It’s not even our place to do so. Leigh’s your sponsor. She should be the one to inform you, when she feels ready, okay?”

“Sponsor?” I asked.

“Think of it like a mentor through this program, a big sister of sorts. While any of us can help out with various tasks, Leigh’s your go-to girl when she’s around,” Bethany replied. I winced when she said big sister, and I noticed Steph’s eyebrow raise. “Although she was up worrying about you all night last night. She’s probably gonna crash with the other girls.”

“So, are you guys gonna stay with me until she gets back or something?” I look around the room and finally give myself an accurate depiction of what is around me. I see a black rectangle plugged into a long charger on the table next to my bed, alongside a desktop computer sitting on a simple wooden desk not too far from the bed itself. Steph is leaning on a set of drawers that has a chair pulled towards it as well as an eye-level mirror installed into the wall.

“Can’t,” Bethany replied. I looked around her and noticed that she was leaning against what looked like a wooden closet that might be my place to store clothing. She put her sunglasses back on and beamed at me. “We’ve got brunch plans in an hour or so. We need to put on our faces before we head out.

I sighed. Of course they’ve got something to do. “So… I guess I’m gonna be here alone for a few hours?” I asked calmly. “Is there… anything on either of the devices in here that could pass the time?”

“Beth, hush,” Steph replied. “We need to stay around with him. If we miss brunch, we miss brunch, okay?”

“But Steph…” Bethany droned on, obviously trying to convince her… girlfriend?... Probably girlfriend… that they should leave.

“Beth, you did this to yourself,” Steph said, grimacing. “We can reschedule brunch another time.”

“But you’re gonna be sponsoring! We may not get another good opportunity like this for months,” Bethany whined. “I just want to get one more good date.”

“We’ll still be able to go out most weekends,” Steph replied. “But this intake needs us more right now. Plus…” She looked into Beth’s eyes. “You know you’re next in line if that one guy goes through with his plans. And this is your fault. Own up to it. Be a good sponsor.”

Bethany groaned. “That fucker? I know I chose him, but…” A buzz came from her phone.

“Be a good sponsor. Show me you can do good, okay?” Steph said, moving towards the back of the room.

“It’s… fine,” I said. “Steph, Beth, go to your lunch. Enjoy your time together. I need time.” That was a lie, but they had plans. I know they shouldn’t miss them.

Bethany sighed. “No. I can’t really do that to you,” she replied, pulling out her phone and firing off a message. “Until Leigh gets here… you’re with us.”

“Alright…” My voice trailed off. There wasn’t much I could say here; my words were exhausted. Only locked up screams and cries, responses that would make me feel much worse, remained for me, and this morning’s crying session exhausted those.

“So… yeah.” Steph looked up from her phone after looking down at another ping. “Beth, you’re fucked. You saw the ping, right?”

“Yeah…” Bethany put the phone down on the nearby table and placed her head in her hands after firing off a message. A loud groan came from her hands. “I’m fucked.”

Steph fired off another set of quick messages. I watched this exchange with some sense of curious wonder. “Leigh wants answers. I suggest you try to supply some.”

“Fine…” She picked her phone back up. For a brief few moments, they shot messages back between each other. Bethany let out a single chuckle, but just a moment after, she looked up like a deer in headlights. “Steph, I need to get the hell out of here.”

“Yes, you should,” Steph said, putting her thumb on the scanner. Bethany scampered towards the other girl, holding onto her arm. “I don’t think you deserve brunch, Beth. Use this time to think about what you’ve done.”

“Yes, ma’am,” Bethany said with as much languid energy as my grandmother on the porch in the summer heat in childhood. “Alright, Jace. Media player on your table, desktop with some games on it on the table next to Steph, headphones in the top drawer, can plug into either without trouble. The computer’s got a better speaker, so if you’re the type to jam out to music out loud, I’d recommend using that.” Bethany was listing off things with her fingers as fast as she could. “Changes of clothes in the closet over there, paper and crayons in the bottom dresser if you want to draw something, you can use the computer to write, I don’t know, go nuts, I’m out of things to tell you. I should get the hell out of here immediately, maybe hide in the breakfast hall.”

“Sorry to leave you like this, Jace,” Steph said, straightening her pant legs as she got up. “Leigh will be back momentarily. She’ll probably be in damage control mode, so she’ll be in a good mood to trust you.”

“Do you guys trust me?” I retorted.

“I’d say I do,” Steph said while still keeping a grip on her taser. “Bethany may be a different story.”

“I’ll trust you in a few weeks probably.” The short girl shrugged and moved towards the door. She pressed her thumb to the scanner and the door began to open. “Don’t try to rush me. I’m gonna need time.” She looked back and flashed a friendly-looking smile. Maybe, if I saw it in public, I would’ve felt disarmed, at a time when she was but a stranger with her girlfriend in public. Maybe I would’ve held the door for her. It was always better at a distance.

“We’ll see you later, Jace.” The two of them waved as they walked out, and I was alone. Finally alone again.

A part of me got satisfaction. They went away. I felt a warm tingle spread through my body. I collapsed on the bed, finding myself curling up in a ball against the wall. The walls in my head started to go down in my loneliness. Instead of screaming, though, it was empty silence. I couldn’t speak. I could barely bring myself to move.

And I was all alone for about 2 minutes before Leigh burst into my room, panting, wild-eyed, her neat ponytail in disarray.

---

The topic has been changed to 2019 Girl Chat - Private Instance from Beth Washout Discussion by MaryQuiteContrary)

Peppermint Patty

dammit mary

MaryQuiteContrary Bethany is not going to be washed out. I think that if she can survive the Souffle Incident, she’s going to graduate as a well-adjusted young woman.

Peppermint Patty

define well-adjusted

LoneWolf has come online.

LoneWolf

@basement dweller @Bofaectomy I heard you two talked to Jace. Anything happen?

basement dweller

Bethany broke Jace, I think.

LoneWolf

what did you do beth

Bofaectomy

I did not! I just… I put him in his place thats all

basement dweller

She basically decided to just beat him at his own game.

LoneWolf

How so?

basement dweller

She went at him with his own story when he tried to blow up at us and she basically disarmed him, made him feel like there was no chance of him getting what he wanted.

LoneWolf

I’m honestly surprised you didn’t stop her.

basement dweller

She made me stand outside.

Peppermint Patty

wow steph i thought you wore the pants in the relationship.

(Peppermint Patty has been muted for 10 minutes by MaryQuiteContrary)

MaryQuiteContrary

Hush.

LoneWolf

So… were they okay?

Bofaectomy

Seemed okay. Weirded me out when I saw myself in him for a second.

LoneWolf

Apparently that’s normal. You’re gonna see flashes of yourself and others in the boys, but you have to remember that they are their own people.

Bofaectomy

Why do you seem to know so much, Leigh?

LoneWolf

I get to think about it. You have to think about the studies you have after your brunch with Steph.

Bofaectomy

Touche

LoneWolf

Anything else?

Bofaectomy

I kinda… told him that we couldve left him to die in the middle of all of that.

(Bofaectomy has been muted for 60 minutes by MaryQuiteContrary)

LoneWolf

YOU WHAT

Deck the Halls

God dammit, Bethany…

LoneWolf

Am I gonna need to sort this shit out before I go to bed?

basement dweller

We’re gonna owe you a lot, Leigh. I think it would be best for you to head down there and check on her, even if you’re tired as shit.

LoneWolf

Fine.

LoneWolf has gone offline.

---

Leigh

I rushed down to the main lobby as quickly as I could. I noticed the five remaining second years working on some arts and crafts with Jodie, Indira, and a third-year named Regina watching over them. They gave me an understanding nod as I bolted past them towards the first floor. I pressed my finger into the scanner that led down to the basement and met Tabby loitering by the steps.

“You good, Leigh? I thought you were heading to bed!” Tabby exclaimed before noticing the look on my face, the exasperation and fear transpiring behind my irises.

“Bethany fucked up handling Jace,” I said between gasps of air. “Real bad.”

“How so?” She asked.

“She said we could’ve left them to die,” I replied.

Tabby winced, gnashing her teeth together. “Okay, Beth went too far with that. Maybe on another intake, I’d understand, but Jace? Kid just tried to kill himself. That one might actually set him back quite a bit.”

“I’m going to go help them… and then kill Bethany,” I replied quickly before starting to move further towards the door. Before I could get further, though, Tabby grabbed my wrist.

“Got your taser? Got your senses straight?” She asked me, her gaze narrowing. “I can’t let you go in good conscience unless you can guarantee me that.”

I flash my holster underneath the baggy sweatpants, and I give her a quick nod. “Yes to both.”

“I’m not so sure about the latter, given how you’re acting, but… Good luck, Leigh,” she said, letting go of my hand. I heard her shout something else, but it was indiscernible as I drifted further away from her. I bolted towards the bedrooms, past the boys watching some droll fashion show, almost running into the wall from momentum.

I passed the doors until I reached 06. I put my thumb print up to it and entered the room to see Jace curled up in a ball, presumably somewhere on the way to unconsciousness. “You good, Jace?” I asked calmly, trying not to let the tremble in my voice show as the door closed behind me.

They uncurled and unfurled out on the bed. Their small frame gave them a large amount of room on the bed itself. “Yeah,” they said, although their voice betrayed how they probably felt: Harrowed, hollow, worn out.

“I heard what Bethany said,” I said. “How are you feeling?”

“Would you have left me to die?” Jace asked. I felt a pain in my heart as I heard that. “I heard I deserved to be here, even after all that. Do you think so? Would I have been allowed to die if I didn’t belong here?”

I wanted to say no. “It… really depends on who was watching over you when you tried,” I replied. My voice was shaky, unsure. “I wouldn’t let you die. I don’t want to see you even considering that option, okay?"

“Were you watching over me when I tried to kill myself?” They shot back in return. No change in emotion. Just the same hollow, monotonous voice. It sent chills down my spine. Nobody should feel this way.

I sighed. Best to be honest. “No, I wasn’t.”

“Why not?”

“I was taking a nap. I was on duty for the security room for the graveyard shift last night, and you were brought in just before I was about to get to it,” I explained.

“I suppose that makes logical sense.” The same voice. “I guess I can be glad that someone who had a similar level of concern as you had their eyes on me."

“You know, it was Beth,” I said. “Beth was at that nightclub you were at, after the note was written but before you went to go do it.”

“You know about the note?”

“Told you we know all about you, okay?” I exclaimed. “They found your note early in the morning, after someone told the cops that they saw some young drunk kid stagger into the night out into the woods. After you had been retrieved. They weren’t able to stop you… but they made it in time.”

“You toyed with fate,” they said. “I was destined to die over here. I could quietly disappear, and nobody could have stopped me.

“It’s okay to feel angry at what Beth said. At what I said,” I said. “You can’t just blow up at us for anything, but I think it’s justified right now. Even if she saved your life, she was being a bitch to you. I was being a bitch to you.”

“You know,” they began. “This morning, I’ve noticed that it’s been harder to tap into that emotion that I used to push people away. It’s a bit more muffled. I think, in the past, I would’ve thrown myself into a tizzy trying to lash out. I probably would’ve yelled at Bethany. Maybe I would’ve yelled at Steph. Even when I yelled at you early in the morning, it was… pitiful. It was pathetic. Like a…”

“Were you going to say ‘like a girl’, Jace?” I asked. My brain was putting pieces together, as to why he seemed this way. “I don’t think you should be equating weakness to femininity. Remember the toxic masculinity thing I was talking about earlier?”

“Yeah, I guess,” they replied. “I know what toxic masculinity is.”

“Then why did you decide to say that?” To me, he didn’t make sense. He would talk about these emotions, about pushing people away and all, and then speak on knowing what toxic masculinity was.

“I guess… it’s what I was conditioned to say in these situations,” they responded, looking away. A bit of fullness in their voice again. They were coming out, slowly, painfully. Extricating themselves from their feelings, taking their time to pull the metaphorical glass shards out of their soul. “What I heard growing up, you know?”

“We’ll have the lecture in our own way, then,” I replied. I gave them a smile. They gave me a look of acknowledgment, a single nod. “You know how we internalise the habits of our parents?” I watched them wince. I hit a pain point. “It’s not a good or a bad thing, Jace. It just… is, you know? Everyone around us gives us traits that become pieces of ourselves. Remember when I cursed my girlfriend a few hours ago for how I responded to you?” A nod. “It’s like that.”

“So, like me adopting my older sister’s laugh?” A new lever? God, I hated thinking of it like that…

“You have an older sister?” I asked intentionally. Of course it was in their file, somewhere, but I kept it to my chest.

“Yeah. She kinda raised me, in the way an older sister defends a younger brother… from others,” they replied. A smile stretched across their face as they started talking. They looked so happy for a brief moment. “She dressed my wounds when I hurt myself as a kid. She helped me study for all my classes. Before she got kicked out, she even helped me prepare my college applications. But above all, she protected me from some of the worst of childhood, she kept a lot from me. I want to pay her back.”

“I’d say it’s exactly like that, then.” I thought of Topher at this moment, dear sweet Topher. I thought about how he was doing now. Maybe he wondered what happened to his older sibling, believing her to be a dead man left somewhere to decay to nothing. Perhaps they put up an empty tombstone in a plot near our grandpa. He may have thought it was for the best that I ‘died’, that the little firecracker boy blew up and left no trace of his existence, dispersing into the atmosphere as smoke. Maybe his older brother let the gunpowder build up in his lungs, choking him until he swallowed a lit match to get away from the pain.

Maybe I could try to push Aunt Bea to let me reach out. Maybe it would take years, maybe it would never happen. “In time, maybe you’ll come to view me like an older sister. But that’s later. Not now.” I saw their face collapse.

“Will I… see her again?” They asked. “My sister, I mean…”

“I think that’s up to you,” I responded. I didn’t know the answer myself, so I tried to evade the question. I sat down in the seat by the door, crossing my legs, and stared deep into their soul. “I’ve talked about the program. Eventually, you’ll be able to walk out of here. You won’t be the same person… but from what I know about you, you’d welcome that. You’ll have a fine line to walk in here. Too much deviation and…” I yawned. The exhaustion of the past… 27 hours was really starting to get to me. I’d only planned a two hour nap in the meantime, but it got interrupted about an hour in by the news. “Fuck, sorry, I’ve been up a long time. But you’ll get strikes if you get too far out of line. Assaulting sponsors, repeatedly rejecting the program, and a ton of other things, may get you tossed into the cells, or, worse, washed out if it happens enough.”

“Washed out?” They flashed me a fearful grimace, complete with eyebrows raised all the way to the middle of their forehead. “Does that mean everyone here is willing except me? That they are just sent home if they fail?”

“Oh, no, hell no. Washing out… let’s just say nobody knows what happens with that,” I replied. It was… mostly true. Diana’s return was a shock, to say the least, and the tears shared that night when I was finally let up to see what had happened to her… I think that night is best left in the past. “None of the sponsors would be able to give you a definitive answer on that. At this point, I’m not even sure the woman who runs this place knows what happens.”

“Alright…” They trailed off. “Back to your point?”

“Yeah. So… toxic masculinity often comes out of the little words said here and there. As a little… boy, you want to emulate your father.” I watched them suppress a shiver, but intentionally ignored it. “You want to emulate the men in your life. The men in your society. What they say, what they do, what they think. But when you emulate the best of them, you often also emulate the worst. Are you… in the mood to talk about your father right now? It seems like he may be a thorny subject for you.”

“No, I am not,” they replied, looking away towards the blank wall. I sighed and nodded.

“We don’t have to, then,” I said. “Maybe we can shelve this discussion for today. Are you… feeling better?”

“A little bit,” they said, not moving from the bed. “I just… Do you think I’m gonna wash out?”

“You? Fuck no,” I said, laughing. “There’s a blonde haired rat named Christian in there that I could see crashing and burning long before you. If anything, I see you succeeding more easily than any of them there right now.”

“Is that the fucker’s name?” I heard them reply. They pulled themselves up onto their forearms, using the pillow as a fulcrum to better recline to look at me. “Dude seems so creepy.”

“Eh, you’d be surprised who you’ll connect with in here,” I replied, reminded of my side switching in my time down here. Watching Steph and Beth connect with each other, and how I, of all people, became next to join them on this non-stop freight train of forced feminization. Until all seven of us, together, were upstairs as second years, in various states of confidence in womanhood. For some of us, newfound, and for others, like me and, presumably, Jace in the future, recovered from labyrinths in the depths of our hearts. “Would you like me to leave you alone now? I should get some sleep. There’s instruction guides on using those devices in one of the drawers in your room. I’ll come see you tonight, if that’s okay. If you need something, make some noise and the people in the security room should notice.”

“Thank you,” they replied, laying down, absentmindedly scratching an itch before adding, “Hey, Leigh?”

“Yeah, Jace?” I asked.

“Could you bring me some moisturizer? I’ve had a lot of trouble with getting hives from dry air at this time of year, and I fear it’s been coming back, especially on my stomach. It’s kinda getting hard to ignore at this point.”

I winced. They’d surely been injected with goserelin last night. Of course they’d need something like that. “Please don’t hesitate to ask for something like that. We’d be more than happy to supply you with things like that, okay?”

I watched them nod. I went through the doorframe before I heard them ask, “And one more thing, okay?”

“Yeah?”

“Don’t punish Bethany, please. She was right.”

After it closed behind me, I realised that I never touched the taser inside of my pants. I felt it dig into my thigh as I slowly crumpled against the wall by the door. Loud words softly resonated to this part of the basement, presumably something going on in a lesson or during some free time the boys had in-between cell visits. I took deep, ragged breaths, both from exhaustion and to recover. Soon, Jace would join that crowd of boys, a lamb in wolf’s clothing. Like Steph and I were. Maybe like how we all were. Maybe all of those boys, too, would reveal themselves to be just lambs in wolves’ clothing, slaughtering other lambs just to be satisfied in being wolves.

---

Note: "body shame resocialization" comes from Invisible String: A Dorleypilled Side Story by beccadax. I felt it was an accurate concept that I asked her about it.

I was agonizing over this for quite a while. I am going into finals, so from here on out, there might be a bit slowed pace for a bit while I do that and move to Boston! I hope everyone is well, and I hope I did this idea in my head justice.

Song reference: "Haven't Been Doing So Well" by Frank Turner.