Only Realized After Losing You

3. Can I Kiss You?

There was a time when I wished my monotonous life could change.

I thought that I wanted to live the life of Ellie the person, not as just the recipient of my family’s emotions.

I didn’t want anything special.

I just wanted to talk again, meet other people, and… I just wanted to live like a normal person.

But at the same time, I was thinking:

Will I ever be able to live like a normal person?

I had already lived helplessly and at the mercy of others for over 10 years.

Can I break away from this stagnant life?

At that time, an uncontrollable feeling of helplessness came over me.

I was somehow unsure.

* * *

Hayden called me again the next day, too.

My father was very satisfied with that fact.

“Ellie, you’re doing your part. Unlike your damn sister, you’re earning your keep.”

My father’s eyes were greedier than before as he looked at me .

I felt an unusual chill in the air

A much greater sense of anxiety surrounded me, even more so than when my father seemed to be the devil.

I changed into a dress for going out (it was just a little cleaner than what I usually wear) and left the house.

My father, who had gone to the barony early in the morning, was nowhere to be seen.

The person who saw me off was my older sister, who was suffering from depression.

“… Ellie,” she said, “if that customer does something strange, you have to run.”

Ten years ago, my older sister was violently assaulted by a man she met for the first time and had suffered from severe depression ever since.

She began to stutter and would not leave the house. On top of that, she was very averse to men.

I nodded.

My sister’s first priority would be to confide in me.

But still, she was the one who took the best care of me among the family.

I managed to give her a faint smile.

Before getting into the carriage that was parked behind the house, the driver blindfolded me again.

I got into the carriage with the help of the driver, and the carriage soon departed.

I thought I had a companion.

There was no conversation throughout the trip, but it felt like someone was sitting in front of me.

I assumed that it was the owner of the hand that had guided me last time.

I closed my eyes and thought of Hayden’s silver eyes, which were more beautiful than the snowy mountains.

Before long, the carriage came to a halt.

It didn’t take long to arrive at the destination.

I heard the carriage door open and felt someone take my hand.

Hands so soft you might mistake them for women… I was certain that the hand belonged to Hayden.

He helped me get out of the carriage and started leading me somewhere.

When I assumed the owner of the clasped hands to be a woman, I felt nothing.

But when I realized that it was a man, and that he had a terribly noble face, I felt a strange sensation.

Of course, it wasn’t that my heart was racing.

It was more like…

For some reason, I felt a thrill as I held the man’s hand properly for the first time.

That was it.

The sound of grass crunching underfoot was pleasant. We seemed to be strolling through a large garden.

The garden soon came to an end, and we entered the front door of a mansion.

We went up the stairs and walked down the long hallway like we did last time.

All the while, Hayden remained silent.

Eventually, we entered a room, and he finally removed the cloth covering my eyes.

His touch was just as delicate as he untied the knot.

The darkness before my eyes soon became bright.

The first thing I saw through the light was Hayden’s beautiful eyes.

His beautiful, wistful eyes.

The shadows on his face had disappeared overnight.

“Would you like to sit down?”

He led me over to the sofa.

Hayden waited for me to sit down first, and then sat down across from me.

He was wearing a plain cream-colored shirt and black pants, no jacket.

Although he was wearing clothes that were not flashy at all, it did not change the fact that he was beautiful.

I glanced at Hayden, just enough so that he didn’t feel pressured.

Hayden’s lips twitched, as if he was debating whether to say something.

Then, when I least expected it, he blurted out.

“… I have suffered from insomnia for a long time.”

What he said was related to sleep.

“But perhaps because I told Miss Ellie my whole story, I was able to sleep deeply last night. It’s been a very long time.”

The corners of his mouth pulled up in a faint smile.

“Thank you. It’s all thanks to Miss Ellie.”

“… … .”

“I realized in hindsight that confiding in someone makes me feel so much better. I’ve been looking for someone like you for a long time…”

But the odds of meeting someone like me would be close to a miracle.

Hayden trailed off.

‘Someone like you.’

I had a vague idea of what he meant.

A person whom you can completely trust to keep your secret.

A commoner who can neither write nor speak well.

A commoner who, despite being a commoner, has a fairly secure status.

Although my father complained every day, he was still a secretary to a nobleman.

The topic changed quickly.

“There are times when loving him is unbearably painful.”

Hayden, after his preface, which was more like a greeting, said what he wanted to say.

“Still, I wish I could kiss him once… I wish for it every day.”

Hayden is tormented by the fact that he likes him, but dreams of kissing him.

“Sounds hypocritical, doesn’t it?”

He smirked. As if he was laughing at himself.

“I’ve just told you I hate the idea of liking a guy to death, and now I’m dreaming about kissing him.”

He gave me a wan smile and swept a hand across his face.

There was a moment of silence.

It was a silence that would naturally become awkward if Hayden didn’t say anything.

Hayden was trying to capture the emotions that arose due to the man he loved.

Then he suddenly asked me a question.

“Miss Ellie, have you ever been kissed?”

I shook my head.

I rarely met anyone other than my family. Even less so with men.

In particular, my father was very reluctant to expose me to men of my age.

He was afraid that I might catch a glimpse of a man and run away with him.

So there was no way I could have locked lips with someone.

What would it feel like to have someone else’s lips on mine?

That was a question that occurred to me for a moment.

Hayden was silent, his perfect lips pursed. He seemed to be mulling something over.

Although he didn’t hesitate to say that he liked men, he was hesitant to say something now.

Hayden didn’t seem to know that the fact is that no matter what he confesses, nothing will be more shocking than his confession that he likes men.

The silence stretched for quite a while.

There was no sign of his inner monologue ending.

But I calmly waited for him to speak.

Because that was my role.

Finally, he said something.

“Then… Would you like to try it with me?”

I guess I was arrogant to think that nothing could have more impact than saying you like men…

I knew right away what Hayden wanted to do with me.

I couldn’t speak, but I wasn’t oblivious.

“…Ah. I’m not forcing you to do anything.”

Hayden seemed to have caught the momentary look of surprise that flashed across my face.

“Because, after all, if I were to fall in love with a woman, everything would be resolved neatly.”

He slowly rubbed the corner of his mouth with his fingertip.

“The touch of another. The warmth of another.”

“… … .”

“Things like that are stimulating.”

My eyes were only focused on his lips.

Hayden’s lips were red, like a rose that had miraculously bloomed in the dead of winter.

The contrast between his white face and the redness of his lips was stark.

I felt my mouth go dry.

Soon, I felt extremely thirsty.

“Stimulation is usually highly effective. It’s embarrassing to say, but that’s why I keep making out with other women. But I don’t feel anything for them.”

“… … .”

“To be more specific, I don’t feel aroused at all. Sometimes I feel like I’m crippled.”

Hayden, after saying that, got up from where he was sitting.

He came closer to me, step by step.

He soon stopped at my feet and asked if he could sit next to me.

I nodded.

Hayden sat down next to me and spoke to me.

It felt like the distance between us had closed a little.

“You’ve been listening to a lot of bullshit excuses.”

“… … .”

“So let me get this straight: I’m very curious about what it would be like to lock lips with Miss Ellie.”

He was looking at me with rather intense eyes.

Then he asks.

“May I kiss you?”

Like a gentleman, or someone asking for a great favor.

Was it such a big deal to kiss each other’s lips?

I didn’t really know the value of kissing.

I also didn’t know the stimulating feelings it evoked.

So I was curious to know.

I even had the extreme thought that if it weren’t for today, I might die without being able to kiss someone in my life.

Hayden waited for my answer as calmly as I did. He never fussed or complained.

I nodded my head slowly.

That was the best positive indication that I, a mute, could give.

Hayden smiled broadly.

It was the brightest smile I’ve ever seen on his face.

He didn’t just smile, he extended his hand to me.

His large hands, which would have cupped someone else’s cheeks the day before, cupped both mine.

Hayden tilted his head slightly to the right and closed his eyes.

Just like that, the distance between us dissolved perfectly.

I followed suit and closed my eyes.

Then, I felt the touch of Hayden’s lips.

His lips were much softer and hotter than I had imagined.

Those hot lips didn’t just stop at meeting mine; they constantly blew hot breath into me.

I felt an unexplainable thrill there.

It wasn’t anything I did.

Hayden skillfully slipped my tongue between my slightly parted lips, exploring every inch of my mouth.

As if he was finding something in my mouth that he had wanted for a long time.

I want something a little hotter— Just as I was thinking that, Hayden’s lips parted.

His lips parted, but he didn’t bite my lips.

His beautifully closed eyelids slowly opened.

He blinked lazily, his eyes filled with languid desire.

“… If Miss Ellie were a man, I might have thought that I would like to love you.”

I was at a loss as to what to make of Hayden’s words.

I couldn’t tell whether to smile or frown.

I didn’t know if he was sorry I wasn’t a guy, or if he liked kissing me, or both…

Because I couldn’t fathom the true meaning behind his words.

Hayden gave me the answer.

With a wistfully sad smile, he brushed my saliva-covered lips with his fingertips.

I smiled weakly back at him.

I had no doubt that this was the answer.