Only Good To Me

A few days later, there were five 10,000 won bills on my desk. I knew it was my father’s way of atonement for the novels that had floated in the bathtub, but it was completely useless. I couldn’t accept his apology at all. Although I didn’t like the empty space on the second shelf of my bookshelf, I was even less inclined to buy new novels with that 50,000 won that had “drowned” in the water.I used that money to buy Seo Hangeon an energy supplement.I got good grades in the final exams of the first semester and entered the summer vacation without any clashes with my father. Supplementary classes, self-study, academy, and self-study at the academy; even though my schedule was stuck like glue to my desk, the frequency of meeting Seo Hangeon seemed to increase a bit.I lied to the academy bus driver, saying my dad was coming to pick me up, slipped out of self-study, and held Seo Hangeon’s warm, firm hand. We even went to watch a midnight movie where we thought no one would see us, but we left after less than an hour, though we made sure the hour was worth the money with kisses.On a day when there was no one in the cinema, Seo Hangeon put his hand between my thighs. Surprised by such a bold move, I cursed, asking if he was crazy, but the excuse was always the same.“This bastard doesn’t listen.”When his arm acted perverted, he blamed his arm, when his hand did, he blamed his hand. Now, it was routine for him to grab and knead my butt. He often tried to go under my pants too.“There he goes, acting on his own again!”Like the words on the discarded Post-it, Seo Hangeon wanted to do something long-lasting with me. It was a proposition that made adrenaline surge in my brain. I was happy. Every time my butt was kneaded, a strange sensation tickled my chest, but at the same time, I was scared.Doing that would feel like walking the path of a fallen student. Even if I was in my last year of high school or if I were twenty, sex was a concept far, far away for me.During the vacation, we met almost every weekend to wander around places famous for dating, but the memory of Seo Hangeon at Gamcheon Culture Village’s high alley stands out the most. The rooftops of the alley touched the sky, with the sea’s texture undulating, and Seo Hangeon stood there. I briefly wet my eyelashes. You, glowing cheerfully in front of the sky, you really fit there.“You’re tough. A real tough guy.”Seo Hangeon often said that. It was the foundation of his attitude towards life. He learned to ride a motorcycle through sheer willpower, boxing, taekwondo kicks, serving, kitchen work – all through sheer willpower.Whenever I saw him with burns on his arms from splattering oil or injured fingers, my heart was troubled. If I showed concern with a calm face, his broad shoulders would turn towards me.“People who do sports live life as it comes, there are no such things.”“You said your life was fucked before.”“You remember that? I said that to be funny??”“You can handle five or six at once…”“Pookoom-ah.”“…”Being with Seo Hangeon was fun. I really laughed a lot. My personality seemed to loosen up as if something inside me had been unlocked. I even brought up high-level gags without hesitation.“Fifteen-thousand-won-bulgogi.”“Huh? What’s that?”“Isn’t it squid and pork bulgogi? Fifty-thousand-won.”“Ha… you really want that, huh?”Only to Seo Hangeon could I say what I disliked, what wasn’t true, and what was different from my thoughts. I could say all of that to the protagonist of the rumor about having a dirty personality.“But you… seem to shake your leg too much.”“It’s pathetic. I’m losing weight.”“There’s no basis for that…”“Come on, it’s true. Look.”“…Where did you get that research from? Not everything in articles is accurate.”“The journalist did their research before writing, didn’t they?”“So, you shake your leg to lose weight?”“Why, want to lose weight?”“Huh? No?”“Then, it’s settled? Done.”Though it ended illogically, I didn’t mind. When I looked at his jawline warmed by the sunlight, the trivial things didn’t matter.His clean, straightforward eyes had a combative force that could pin someone down. But to me, he was always gentle. Just those eyes focusing on me made me feel naked, and his fingers, stained with the traces of work, brushed over my bare form.“Wow, shit! What’s with you? Are you really crazy?”Seo Hangeon couldn’t handle spicy food well. He was astonished with teary eyes when he saw me casually chewing on spicy chicken skewers. Who told him to steal my food?“It’s not even spicy.”“Fuck, it’s spicy!”“Let’s go buy some water.”“I don’t know! I’m dying, just wait!”Seo Hangeon kept a ledger. With his consistent bad handwriting, he recorded every bit of money earned and spent, organizing money for clothes, shoes, and for me. Maybe because he earned a lot, he had to keep track. His 24 hours were dynamic and varied, managing his timeline on Facebook, writing in his ledger, and saving money. I think that was the source of his refreshing nature.When the summer vacation, which felt like a blessing, ended, I had to fall back into the endless pit of pre-study and review. Doubting the permanence of love, I began to hope, perhaps… with a very slim chance… that there could be a love with permanence.Seo Hangeon never missed my calls during the times I could call. I had memorized his number. I could dial the 11 digits in one second. Since I had to hand over my phone to my father every day, I couldn’t save his number in my contacts, which led to this little trick. I could touch the 11-digit number very quickly, and Seo Hangeon would answer just as quickly.But that day was different. The phone kept ringing.As soon as the self-study time at the academy started, I took out my phone to see if there was any response to my text, but there wasn’t, so I tried calling. The long ringing tone went on until it hit the limit set by the carrier and ended with a recorded message.[Are you busy?]I sent another text. After five minutes with no news, I was puzzled. I went out of the self-study room and called again, but it was the same as before. Faced with an unfamiliar situation, I was suddenly scared.‘What could be wrong?’Seo Hangeon, who always cut off the ringtone within ten seconds, was not answering or texting back. After twenty minutes, I couldn’t sit still any longer. I grabbed my bag and left the academy. I was sweating cold as I took a taxi to the izakaya.He had said he would cover for the delivery part-time job today. If he had lost his phone while working, he would come to the izakaya during his work hours.Even while I was peeking inside the izakaya from the door, there was no contact from Seo Hangeon. Inside the still quiet bar, there were only two customers. I intended to wait outside, but I made eye contact with the owner who was organizing things at the bar.He looked at me suspiciously as I stood there in my school uniform. I thought about leaving but figured that would make me look even more suspicious, so I cleared my throat. As I entered the izakaya in my school uniform, the owner and the two customers’ gazes fell on me.“Uh… I’m a friend of Hangeon…”The young owner seemed to remember me.“Ah! You’re the student who came for the free seafood soup!”“Yes. I… I wanted to ask if you’ve heard from Hangeon… he’s not answering.”“Really? I haven’t heard anything. No separate contact.”I made eye contact with one of the two men sitting at the bar. He was squinting at me, looking me up and down. He was staring so blatantly that I had no choice but to observe him back, puzzled.The short, chubby man had a young face. He was trying to put on a tough expression, but he still looked immature. Just as I was thinking he might not be a student, he spoke with a vulgar tone.“You’re a friend of Seo Hangeon?”His voice was full of suspicion and mockery. I hadn’t expected to meet someone Seo Hangeon knew here, aside from the owner. At his words, the tall man next to him also turned his head towards me. Both the chubby guy, who looked my age, and the tall man had unpleasant expressions.The tall man seemed to be in his twenties, possibly a debt collector or something worse, which made me even more anxious and scared, but I couldn’t show suspicious behavior.“Yes. I had something to give him, we were supposed to meet, but I can’t reach him. So…”As I was about to leave, the owner waved his hand.“If you’re going to wait, sit and wait. It’s so pathetic with no customers.”“No, it’s okay…”“Sit, sit. You’re Hangeon’s friend. Here, have this.”“I’m fine…”“Don’t wander outside, just sit where I tell you to, student.”I sat at a spot far from the two men and picked up a piece of fried shrimp chip. The owner spoke to the short, chubby man.“Do you know him, Seungkyu?”“No? I’ve never seen him.”Seungkyu. I had heard that name from Seo Hangeon before. Alias Dogshit Kyu, Park Seungkyu. The guy who got kicked out of Seo Hangeon’s gang for extorting 1.7 million won from a naive kid.Only then did I understand the reason for the dangerous look in his eyes. Park Seungkyu’s eyes, like those of a jackal, were filled with cunning and strategy, trying to extract as much information from me as possible. He was particularly observant of my school uniform, probably scanning to see which school I attended. I lowered my head and bit into the shrimp chip.“Such a nerd, huh? How are you friends with Hangeon?”I wanted to ask why he, who got kicked out by Seo Hangeon, was sitting here. I gave a half-hearted response while avoiding looking at Park Seungkyu.“Oh. We were in the same class in middle school…”Fortunately, the debt collector next to Park Seungkyu asked the owner another question, drowning out my answer.“So he came to see Hangeon work, but then he’s not coming today?”“I don’t know. He’s not answering my calls either.”“Is he definitely working?”“Of course, you idiot.”The debt collector and the shop owner seemed to have some sort of acquaintance. High school student Park Seungkyu was sitting next to the debt collector, shaking his leg and acting tough.Various thoughts came to mind. Could this be someone here to collect a debt from Seo Hangeon’s father? Maybe he’s waiting here to get to Seo Hangeon’s salary? My heart darkened in an instant.But if that were the case, the owner wouldn’t be so relaxed. There would be no reason for him to be friendly with or casually talk to a debt collector who barged into the shop.“He’s not answering?”The debt collector asked me. I answered in a mosquito-like voice.“Yes…”Just then, the phone in my hand lit up. A call came from an unsaved number. I quickly turned the phone to hide the screen from the men beside me. I thought about not answering, but Seo Hangeon would keep calling until I picked up. I had to answer anyway.I pressed the answer button. Park Seungkyu’s gaze came to me. Seo Hangeon shouted with a loud voice.— Ah, sorry! I’m…If Seo Hangeon said “Pookoom,” it would be a big problem. I deliberately raised my voice to interrupt him.“I’m at your shop now. I came because you weren’t answering.”— Huh? Did you go there?“The USB we talked about. You said you’d give it to me today.”— Huh?“The one with the Windows installation files.”I said this with as much force as possible, pretending not to care about Park Seungkyu. There was no USB that I was supposed to give to Seo Hangeon. After a rough breath, Seo Hangeon lowered his tone a bit.— Oh, that?“Yeah.”— Got it. I couldn’t answer because I had an accident, but I’m coming now.“Accident?”The word “accident” felt like my heart was splitting. I felt the blood drain from my fingertips. The other three men also showed signs of surprise.— I got into a car accident in an alley. Shit… Let’s talk when I get there. Is the boss there?“Yeah.”— Okay. I’m coming now.Ten minutes later, Seo Hangeon burst through the shop door. His right elbow and below his knee were covered in blood.He made eye contact with me first, sitting closest to the entrance. Seo Hangeon only acknowledged my presence and then looked away. It was just like when he first entered our middle school classroom and didn’t remember me, turning his face away. He just casually threw out, “You came,” before passing by me.But from the familiar scent of his body and the smell of the wind as he passed, I knew we were on the same orbit. On the body that passed me by without acknowledgment, there were traces of a loud dispute and the teeth marks of money exchanged on the street.At that moment, I had to be the one furthest from Seo Hangeon among the four men in the shop. While I hid my expression and stiffly looked at Seo Hangeon’s arm and leg, the three men freely expressed their surprise.“Shit, man! You’re totally messed up!!”“Fuck, I was turning right and this car just slammed into me from behind. The driver drives like shit, for real.”Seo Hangeon answered irritably as he threw his hoodie jacket on the bar table between me and Park Seungkyu. The sound of keys jangling was heard. Park Seungkyu had a different look in his eyes now. In front of me, he was a hungry, cunning jackal, but in front of Seo Hangeon, who didn’t even greet him, he had turned into a cold-blooded creature.His unblinking gaze was fixed on Park Seungkyu. Seo Hangeon didn’t take his eyes off him as he passed by. Still carrying the heightened aggression from a street survival fight, Seo Hangeon didn’t ignore Park Seungkyu, but he didn’t acknowledge him either. He glared at him boldly. His hard eyes pierced Park Seungkyu’s eyes and body.When Seo Hangeon looked me up and down and met my eyes, Park Seungkyu showed his skills as a cold-blooded creature. He quickly moved his eyes to the bar table, contemplating whether or not to greet Seo Hangeon. The body that was red to me had now turned the same brown as the table. Even though Park Seungkyu was avoiding eye contact and lowering his tail, Seo Hangeon still shot him an aggressive look.“It’s been a while since we’ve seen each other, and you come in all messed up! It’s heartbreaking!”The debt collector raised his hand. Seo Hangeon playfully grabbed and shook it.“Hyung, long time no see.”Thankfully, it seemed the debt collector wasn’t after Seo Hangeon’s salary. After a light hug with the debt collector, Seo Hangeon entered the bar kitchen but still looked down at me with eyes full of lingering aggression. My wrist on the table and the ankle below my school uniform pants leg felt itchy.Seo Hangeon quickly scanned me, blinking one eye in annoyance, then let out a discontented sigh before abruptly leaning down.“Is there a first aid kit, hyung?”“Huh. Look under there.”As Seo Hangeon crouched down, the cold-blooded creature lifted his head to look ahead. The debt collector stood up and shouted.“Can you manage with just a first aid kit? Should we take you to the hospital?”There was cursing mixed with loud laughter. Only after hearing Seo Hangeon’s laughter did I realize that was a joke.“Fuck. If you go to the hospital for something like this, hyung, you’d live in the hospital.”“Ha! I told you, I’m not like that.”Seo Hangeon dismissed the comment with a light laugh. The owner asked.“You don’t even have a license, how did you handle it?”“It’s giving me a headache, fuck. Hyung Eun-bae came out with me to settle it. Hyung Eun-bae went through the trouble because of me.”“Yeah, insurance won’t work for this.”“Yes. I begged him not to contact the insurance company.”“Yeah, if they know you don’t have a license, it’ll be a big deal. How much did you get?”“Not much.”“Ugh…”“I was just driving straight, and they hit me from behind.”“Still, since it was an accident helping out, Eun-bae should understand.”Names and information I didn’t know kept coming out. Watching Seo Hangeon wash his wounds with water from behind the bar made him look like someone from another world. When the door opened and three customers entered, a loud greeting rang out.“Welcome!!”Seo Hangeon and the owner shouted a greeting in perfect unison. With customers coming in, the debt collector and Park Seungkyu immediately got up to leave.“I gotta go. Did your plans fall through? The atmosphere here is so tense.”The debt collector asked, looking between Seo Hangeon and Park Seungkyu, and Seo Hangeon laughed cheerfully.“Nah? We’re good friends.”I saw Park Seungkyu’s face become even darker. Leaving an awkward smile for the two-faced man, Park Seungkyu and the debt collector finally left the shop. The owner glanced at his watch and nodded briefly to Seo Hangeon.“You rest today. Don’t work with your limbs in that state. Today’s not busy anyway. Ham can handle things slowly by himself.”“Is that okay, Ham?”“Yeah, man. Rest and come back tomorrow. Send your friend home quickly.”“Just a moment, then.”Seo Hangeon walked briskly towards me from around the bar. I got down from the high chair. Seo Hangeon grabbed my elbow, opened the door, and pulled me out forcefully.“Hangeon…”“Why did you come here? Are you out of your mind? This is a bar.”I couldn’t say I came because I was worried. The club music was thumping loudly, and people in fancy clothes walked among the pleasures of alcohol. When we passed through the colorful crowd to a quieter street, Seo Hangeon stopped. My arm found its freedom again. I resisted.“I came because you weren’t answering. Why are you mad?”“It’s not that I’m mad…”Seo Hangeon, looking frustrated, rubbed his face and whispered sharply.“I don’t like those bastards seeing you.”“…”“I don’t want those bastards sitting next to you!”I gave up on my rebellious thoughts and lowered my gaze. The washed wound was slightly reddish. Blood was still seeping from where the asphalt had scraped away the flesh. My heart ached too. Seeing the blood tormenting his fine calf, I hated the noisy night street. I hated the street where money was exchanged.“Fuck, that bastard Park Seungkyu, his eyes were all over you!!”“…Hangeon.”I asked the two-faced man, who was lowering his voice in anger.“Are you hurt badly?”Seo Hangeon was exhaling big clumps of excited breath. When he didn’t answer, I asked again.“Aside from here, are you hurt anywhere else?”His hair, which had been riding a motorcycle without a license on the darkening streets, was disheveled with stress. The streetlight focused light on our stage. There was the sound of heels from groups passing by in twos and threes. Men spending money on entertainment laughed loudly. The utility pole, full of flattened cigarette butts, was black.“Let’s go to the hospital… emergency room… is it open now?”I, who had internalized quadratic equations, could read English passages quickly, and memorized the history of factional politics, didn’t even know if the emergency room was open at this hour. I didn’t know if his injury warranted an emergency room visit. I was really ignorant.I bent down to look closely at the wound on the outside of his calf. Seo Hangeon quickly backed away, pushing my shoulder.“Ugh— Ugh, it’s staining, your uniform!”Pushing me away to avoid staining my white shirt with blood, Seo Hangeon frowned as if he had been shocked. Looking up, I realized his deep brown eyes were sparkling. As I slowly stood up, Seo Hangeon pushed me against the building wall. The smell of frying oil from a large outdoor air conditioning unit wafted out.“Won-ah. Do you like me too?”His breath, heavily exhaled, trembled a bit.“I… like you a lot.”Why couldn’t I answer with “me too” at that moment? I was really weak.“Do you want to kiss?”“Uh…”We kissed in an alley thick with the smell of frying oil. That day, the kissing genius was particularly rough. He held my arms tightly, not allowing me to embrace him back, and pressed his lips hard against mine. I drank Seo Hangeon’s saliva amidst my short breaths and was sucked by his tongue. While kissing furiously, I suddenly remembered that there was a busy street just a few meters away.I turned my head and managed to pull away. Seo Hangeon grabbed my arm again.“Why?”“The main road over there…”“No one’s looking.”“I don’t like it, it makes me nervous.”“Got it.”Seo Hangeon seemed reluctant but pressed his thumb against my lips before flicking it. When I dodged by turning my head, he stroked my neck with the back of his hand and looked at me for a long time with a calm face.On the way to catch a taxi, he explained. The debt collector was, as I expected, a thug, and someone who had just started living that life.“I haven’t been going to the gym since last year. Because of that Ham. He was a gym buddy, but he started doing shady stuff and kept trying to recruit me.”“To you? To be a gangster with him?”“Since he started making some money, he kept laying the groundwork, thinking I’d join. He knew about my family situation, so he was even more insistent.”Seo Hangeon was on the edge. He was on a dangerous balance that could tip him into the swamp with just a little more weight. Fortunately, his scale was currently tilted towards part-time jobs.“That’s also why I stuck with Gi-jong hyung’s shop. To clearly plant the stake that I’m not interested in that line of work.”It was surprising to learn that was one of the reasons he settled at the izakaya after going through various part-time jobs. Seo Hangeon clicked his tongue lightly and muttered.“That’s why he came today, I guess. To check if I was really working.”“It’s scary.”“What for? Even those people have their pride; they don’t drag someone who’s clearly said no into that life.”Park Seungkyu was hanging out with such a thug.“That bastard Kyu is now hanging around with that hyung. It’s getting worse and worse. Crazy bastard.”On the taxi ride home, I imagined kissing his scraped calf several times. The blood had an iron smell, and the antiseptic stung my head. But his skin was warm enough to heat my lips.🏐Right after that incident, Seo Hangeon obtained a motorcycle license. After getting his license, he often took me out on weekends on bikes borrowed from his biker club seniors. The expensive rider’s bike had a different charisma from the delivery motorcycle. As I fiddled with the shiny levers, I heard a big laugh from behind me. Seo Hangeon was taking pictures of me with his phone.“You look so funny.”“What’s funny?”The photo Seo Hangeon showed me was of my back. It showed the back of my head standing there, looking disinterested while touching the levers.“What’s so funny about this?”“You clearly show you’re not interested at all.”It was true. While Seo Hangeon’s hobby was bikes, I had no interest in them. I briefly wore an expressionless face before I couldn’t help but laugh. Was I expressing disinterest with my whole body without knowing it? As I lost to laughter, covering my face with my wrist, I heard another click.“Why are you taking so many pictures?”“To look at them at night.”“…”“Okay, then stand in front and strike a pose. For me to see at night.”“You’re crazy.”“Quickly. Stand here. Here. Do you need help with the pose?”“Don’t do that! Move your hands away. Ah, move them away!”“Just roll up your waist a bit.”“You’re insane.”It was summer right after the rain had stopped. The humid air lingered above the ground. We rode the bike all over Busan, crossing elevated highways and navigating the ups and downs. The bike, made by Honda with multiple exhaust pipes making a loud ‘bang,’ crossed the Yeongdo Bridge and went over the elevated highway leading to Gijang. Seo Hangeon liked the vibrations felt on the bike, but I enjoyed the scenery from the high places on the elevated highways. I only learned then that Busan had many elevated highways. I was that ignorant.We raced through the humid summer. While riding around on the bike, we talked a lot. Seo Hangeon even shared some shocking stories. He admitted to a time when he was tempted by the thug’s proposal. He had such thoughts right before we became classmates. He thought, if he tried working and it didn’t work out, he could just work with that hyung. That was how he spent his time.“But I definitely decided not to do it in my third year.”“Why?”“To look good to you.”Whether it was a joke or not, if it was true, it was a great honor for me. If someone resisted the sweet temptation of darkness to impress me, that was significant in my life too. I didn’t know much about how Seo Hangeon spent his early to mid-teens. Whenever I thought about how he became a kissing genius, I would erase those thoughts because they brought up several unpleasant scenes and images.Seeing his back move below, I deleted my thoughts. Seo Hangeon was wiping ice cream I had accidentally dropped on my shoes. I hadn’t noticed that the ice cream was melting and dripping onto my sneakers. I only realized it when he stopped me and bent down. The back of his neck, visible near my feet, was imbued with the freshness of summer.Seo Hangeon effortlessly bent down in front of me to clean my sneakers, and I loved the gesture of him brushing off his knees when he stood up.Whenever I dropped tickets or coins, he always bent down before me, attaching himself to the ground. When he picked up the aquarium ticket that had flown under a car, I felt a sharp electric shock at my ear. Seo Hangeon practically lay down on the ground, with his knees and elbows getting covered in road dust, and then stood up, smiling broadly and shaking off his clothes.I realized from my encounter with Kim Byeong-wan how difficult that was, how not easy it was to kneel down without hesitation for 0.01 seconds.Seo Hangeon had matured even more than before. He already had the look and manner of someone beyond his high school years, but he had grown beyond that. I could feel it. No one could have watched Seo Hangeon with as much affection as I had, so I was certain.It was a spring where he was becoming more and more adult, getting swept into the world. Seo Hangeon’s spring was radiant. His tree was actively photosynthesizing. I was the dry tree growing in the shade beside him, timidly extending my roots to absorb the fruits of his photosynthesis.Thus, my life was always winter. As the summer was ending, a record cold wave hit my life. One day in early October, I saw cosmic dust intruding into our orbit.The academy bus went around and passed by the place where the izakaya part-timer occasionally greeted us. Today, there was no one at the corner. I pressed my face against the window in disappointment.The shop must be very busy today. During self-study, I got instant replies to my texts, but they stopped about 30 minutes ago. Since he could be incredibly busy, I didn’t think much of it. I hoped for a reply before I got home, blowing air alternately on both cheeks.I saw a tiger in the distance. I knew that tiger pattern too well. The alley lined with illegally parked cars was cut off from the bustling area. There, someone in a black jacket was standing with their back to me.In just a few seconds, I imprinted that intense scene in my mind. Seo Hangeon, in a tiger jacket, was holding someone in his arms. Had he come out during work? He held a bandana he had just taken off, and under the jacket, a bright blue collar shirt was visible.The slender legs of the girl in hot pants looked tanned and firm. Those legs were pressed against Seo Hangeon’s track pants, the three-striped ones he wore while working. The head and shoulders enveloped by the jacket looked round.Seeing that, I thought of my own straight shoulders. Looking at the head tucked into his chest, I thought of my own height.He had asked me to pose for him “to see at night,” but it seems there was something else Seo Hangeon was looking at at night.However, I wasn’t surprised. Since the scenery I tried to erase from my thoughts always included such scenes, Seo Hangeon holding a girl tightly wasn’t a big shock to me. It was just a bit sad that he was dressed the same as on the day he first spoke to me during the picnic.Our times together were rarely aligned. As the fortune-teller said, someone who could handle five or six people at once could easily manipulate their daily life to show only to someone they contact only two or three times a day.Seo Hangeon is smart. Manipulating his Facebook subtly would be easy for him. Maybe he hides symbols of secret relationships in his photos. His KakaoTalk profile picture was still a rice cake, but perhaps the secret lover only knows that Seo Hangeon really likes rice cakes.Or maybe, I was the secret lover. The main lover being someone he could meet even on weekday nights.It wasn’t that sad. It was just reality. Instead, my head cleared up. Like a matchstick seller who just woke from a dream, I faced the winter.On the day of the sports festival, I had completed my love by myself. So, it was okay. There are plenty of people who go through life without experiencing such miracles, but I had the support of the entire universe for several months. So, it was okay.The real winter wasn’t witnessing Seo Hangeon holding another girl. The real cold wave came when I got off the academy bus, took the elevator, erased all call and text logs, and opened the front door. My father was sitting in a terrible silence. Not even watching the news, sitting on the sofa, he asked without turning his head to me.“When did I ever pick you up from the academy?”My father had received a call from the academy teacher a few hours ago. It was the monthly routine consultation call. After some insincere words, he was complimented out of courtesy for how he managed to pick up his son so often despite being busy. That was the end of my spring and summer.“Lee Won, when did I ever pick you up after your academy?”My heart began to soak with moisture.Soon, a beating that wasn’t in the form of traditional corporal punishment came. Like the days when I cut my wrist with a cutter, my father hit my head with his hand.My hair was tousled several times, and I shrank into the corner, getting smaller and smaller. His high hand struck my head with a force proportional to the laws of physics. My head, which had bounced back, returned to its place due to the law of inertia. My father, driving me to the table as if catching a mouse with his bare hands, looked more out of control than ever.“Where did you go after lying!”As I held onto the table, a hand soon came to slap my cheek directly. Feeling intense pain and humiliation, I staggered and fell onto the table.“Where did you go!”My father, who grabbed the collar of my shirt and threw me onto the living room floor, exhaled breaths as if he had run ten laps around the playground. It was surprising that my deviation had driven him to such an extent.Now I had to answer. I had to provide an answer for where I went, avoiding the academy bus schedule. To keep from being caught about what happened with Seo Hangeon, I had to lie within the range that wouldn’t arouse suspicion. Saying I went out to eat something or hang out with friends would immediately be exposed as a lie.As the fortune-teller said, I was cunning. I quickly thought of an excellent answer.“To the comic book store… to look at novels…”My collar was grabbed several times, and my head was hit countless times. Only after that did his anger seem to subside a little, and the bamboo stick made its appearance on stage.“So that’s why you went to a regular high school! That’s why! Your attitude towards life is all messed up! Where do you lie! Where? To your father!”Lying was my fault. But Seo Hangeon had said that the one who hits is always wrong. Even now, it’s the one hitting who is wrong. I thought and thought. The beating for the first deviation was particularly harsh. During the punishment, my father said many things, but this one sentence stuck in my memory clearly.“How weak you must be, cutting your wrist after just a few hits. How weak you are, you piece of shit! Being that weak, there’s no way you’d do well in your studies!”At that moment, I wanted to ask Seo Hangeon, Kangho, Juyong, and Hyungon.Did you also think I was weak when you looked at my watch?My heart, soaked with moisture, was no different from the novels floating in the bathtub, just an embodiment of sadness. That day, I slept in the bathroom until dawn. My confiscated phone was probably tucked away in the display cabinet in my father’s room.Before going to the academy the next day, I stopped by the pharmacy with Kangho. Seeing me buying bruise ointment, Kangho asked carefully, stuttering.“Uh… did you get bruised?”“Yeah. Got in trouble with my dad yesterday.”“Why?”“Just… got caught skipping the academy bus.”Kangho only knew that I skipped self-study at the academy to “get some fresh air.”“You don’t have something going on, right? You don’t go out much on weekends either.”“Nah. My grades are good anyway. I was just tired on weekends.”While buying the bruise cream, I felt much clearer. Without the phone and without the object of my unrequited love that had caused the biggest change in my life, I felt like I had returned to my previous simple life. Maybe the life filled with various experiences and stimuli wasn’t the right fit for me.There was an absolute rule between Seo Hangeon and me. Seo Hangeon could only respond when I contacted him first. He couldn’t send me texts or calls first. It was a rule set because we never knew when or where a problem with my father might arise.Since there was no contact even after a whole evening, Seo Hangeon must have realized I had my phone taken away.After thinking it over, I borrowed Kangho’s phone.“I need to text my mom.”“Oh! Use it.”Strangely, my heart, which had been full of moisture since yesterday, beat peacefully. My consciousness, feeling no resentment, sadness, or pain, was clear. I calmly pressed the keypad to write a long message.[Hangeon, sorry for not being able to contact you.My dad found out I skipped self-study at the academy, so he took my phone. This is Kangho’s phone.I’m sorry to say this, but I’ve been thinking since yesterday, I don’t think I can date you.I don’t think we can meet at all anymore.When I think about it, it’s an important time for both of us.It doesn’t make sense to take time away from dating.I didn’t think about it back then. But this time won’t come again once it passes. Even just studying hard isn’t enough, I was short-sighted. Sorry.Let’s not contact each other anymore, and let’s not meet either.If you come to school or the academy, you might run into my dad or my friends, so don’t do that either.I’m sorry if I made you worry.But I really think we should stop seeing each other, so this is my last message.Don’t reply since this is Kangho’s phone.Thanks for everything.]I didn’t mention the girl who was snug in his jacket. It was irrelevant side information.I also omitted the critique that even if you felt lust for me, it was only for the speck of femininity I possess.I left out the speculation that even if you wanted to do something long-lasting with me, we would never go all the way.Isn’t it because you never went further than kissing all this time, because you didn’t have the confidence to take off pants and face genitals?And the accusation that you would end up kissing, having sex, and marrying some petite girl anyway.I left all that out.After sending the text, I briefly fell into thought while deleting the message history. About the lightness of the word “like,” its utterly meaningless value…🏐I was tense that night, worried that Seo Hangeon might show up in front of the academy after sending the text, but nothing like that happened. Right, even Seo Hangeon shouldn’t do that. The next day, after school, thankfully, nothing happened on my way out either. Confirming that the feared situation hadn’t occurred, I sighed in relief.As Kangho and I were discussing what to eat for dinner while leaving through the school gate, someone called out to me from afar.“Lee Won! Is that you?”It was a vulgar voice. I squinted at the bulky silhouette standing under the high wall. It was Park Seungkyu.Park Seungkyu, wearing a trendy striped shirt with light camel-colored jeans, beckoned me over with a wave of his chubby-wristed hand. Kangho took a deep breath beside me.“Isn’t he the one who bullied Hyungon? How does he know you?”That was why he had stared at my school uniform so intently at the bar. Remembering my name on the uniform was simple. Asking about me from someone who went to the same middle school wouldn’t be hard either. Among the kids who were in the same class with Seo Hangeon in middle school third grade, the one named Lee Won. What’s he like? Is he naive?“Do you have a minute? Let’s talk!”Fearing that Park Seungkyu might mention Seo Hangeon or the izakaya, I told Kangho to go to the bus stop first. Kangho seemed quite worried about me.“What? Will you be okay? Should I stay with you?!”“I’m fine. He wants me to come alone.”“No way!”Park Seungkyu, spitting on the ground, urged me.“Hey, can’t you hear me? I just want to talk for a bit.”After finally sending Kangho off, I approached the wall. Park Seungkyu led me to a dark corner beside the wall and spat again. Seeing his chubby cheeks tremble, I couldn’t help but stiffen my expression.“…Why?”Park Seungkyu was shorter than me. The cold-blooded creature with raised eyes changed his color to red.“Did you give him the USB that day?”“Yeah.”“You like Seo Hangeon, huh? Gay bastard.”I expressed my increased disgust with my eyebrows. Not answering, a vile smile spread on his red skin.“Anyone can see it, fuck. Who chases someone to that place just to give them a USB? Fuck. That’s right, isn’t it?”“Did you call me just to ask that?”At the same time, I was relieved. It was good that he didn’t ask what our relationship was. It was better for him to think I liked Seo Hangeon one-sidedly. There wouldn’t be any rumors, and nothing would stir up on Seo Hangeon’s Facebook. No one pays attention to me since I don’t use Facebook anyway.I was about to add that he could think whatever he wanted. His red cheeks trembled again as he spat.“Lend me 200,000 won. Then I won’t tell your dad. That I saw you at the izakaya at 11 PM.”I kept my mouth tightly shut while staring at the wall.“Lee Geunwoo Clinic. Open weekdays from 9 AM to 6 PM, Saturdays from 9 AM to 1 PM. You can see your dad anytime then, right?”Why ask for a loan instead of just demanding the money? Was it his last bit of pride? My eyes filled with contempt. I tried to think of a solution with my cunning mind. For now, I decided it was best to send him away nicely.“…Alright.”The problem would arise if this didn’t end as a one-time thing but turned into ongoing blackmail. I decided to think about solutions later.“I don’t have money now.”“Who said I need it now, you idiot. Bring it when I contact you.”“My phone’s been taken away. We should set the time to meet now…”“Then. Saturday at 1 PM, bring the money to the front of Hyeonseong Bookstore.”I didn’t know where Hyeonseong Bookstore was, but I said okay. Park Seungkyu, thanking me as if doing me a favor, soon made a clumsy threat.“You know what happens if you don’t show up, right? Bastard?”I had no idea what that word meant. After giving me a nasty smile, Park Seungkyu added another threat.“Oh, and don’t even think about telling Seo Hangeon. The moment it gets to his ears, it’ll get to your dad’s too.”I just wanted him to leave, but Park Seungkyu seemed to have plenty of time, lingering around and looking around.“Seo Hangeon wouldn’t deal with a bastard like you, would he?”Then, with a snicker, he shook his head.“Ah, your family’s well-off. If I can squeeze some key money out of you, that would be great.”I was so ignorant that I didn’t even know what “key money” was. But I got angry because of the derogatory word he added, so I clenched my jaw and turned my head. Suddenly, Park Seungkyu thrust his face into mine, his eyes sharp.“What’s with that look, fuck. Straighten your eyes, fucker. I feel like smacking you!”Park Seungkyu bent his head back with a long sigh, then stepped forward as if he was about to hit me.I took one or two steps back, and then I heard Kangho’s shout.“Won! I forgot my Mebi card!”The red eyes that were glaring at me as if to kill me moved away. I wasn’t sure if he really intended to hit me, but I was grateful to Kangho. I withdrew my gaze from Park Seungkyu’s back as he walked away, whistling.Kangho’s claim about forgetting his Mebi card was a lie.“Hey! Why is he picking on you? Is he part of the gang that bullies you?!”Kangho’s wide, frightened eyes shone in the evening darkness. I shook my head.“No. He asked me for money, but I told him I didn’t have any.”“How does he know you to ask for money!”“I wonder. Maybe he knows Ha Dongyoung. I didn’t ask.”The lies kept piling up. When I mentioned the name of the square-headed guy, Kangho didn’t press further.During the academy class, I squeezed my brain for solutions.Should I ask my uncle to catch him in the act?Then there’s a risk Park Seungkyu would tell my father about the izakaya.Should I borrow Kangho’s phone to record the money handover?What would I do with that recording? Reporting it would yield the same result as the first option.Then, should I make up an excuse for why I was at the izakaya?When I thought this far, my head felt like it would explode. I had some money saved up. 200,000 won wasn’t the issue, but if the izakaya became a reason for continuous extortion, it would be a problem. I didn’t have 1.7 million won. Lying on my desk with my throat parched, I heard a commotion from the hallway.Several footsteps were moving about, and there was whispering. The already headachy situation was made worse by the restless atmosphere. Annoyed, I pressed my ear to my arm and closed my eyes. After a while, Kangho, who had gone to the bathroom, came rushing in and tapped my shoulder.