Only God

Not long after, Mura bade farewell to the study. When he had arrived, his face was full of excitement, but as he left, only dejection and disbelief remained. He walked on a corridor where the fading twilight made each step precarious. He nearly stumbled several times, but fortunately, the servants at his side steadied him, preventing the King from any undignified display.

The darkness slowly filled the corridor, like a river being pumped full of leaden waters under the thunderous noise of the steam engine.

Belvan watched him depart, and when the door closed, they did not exchange more parting words, only one sentence:

"Goodbye, Your Majesty."

This farewell signified an eternal parting,

Belvan had made his final preparations, even though King Mura reiterated several times that there would be no danger to his life. Yet, the scholar, like a chaste and defiant woman resolute against shame, had firmly chosen to drink the bitter cup.

He ceased to reflect upon certain matters.

At this moment, the study had returned to a state of shadowy silence. The scholars were gone; only Belvan remained. He did not light a lamp but sat slowly in the afterglow of the sunset. He seated himself before the desk, and in the darkness began to raise his pen, as if to write something.

"No matter what you want to write, doing so in the darkness won't last for long."

Shortly afterward, a familiar voice came from a corner of the study. Belvan lifted his head in surprise and turned to look, indeed seeing the silhouette of an acquaintance.

Xilan had appeared behind him at some unknown time, watching him quietly from the shadows.

"Vanishing suddenly, appearing just as unexpectedly...

I think I know who you are now."

Belvan's surprise slowly settled, and he picked up a piece of paper from the table, saying with a wry smile:

"I had wanted to leave a letter for you, but it seems there's no need for that now."

The Dwarf Scholar did not ask when Xilan had come.

He felt that Xilan must already be aware of his and Mura's fraught conversation.

Xilan looked at him and said:

"I have been waiting for you to make a choice.

Once the choice is made, there can be no regrets.

Belvan, you should not stop here. You are talented and gifted; there is a longer path ahead of you to tread."

The Dwarf Scholar did not respond immediately; he pondered for a moment before speaking:

"Let's hear what I would have written in my letter."

Xilan nodded slightly.

So, Belvan took a deep breath,

"Xilan, I am happy for you. Even though you have left this land of conflict, many here still remember you and regret not heeding your words.

I alone do not regret, for I feel that I cannot leave this place. Once I do, I would be abandoning the obsession of my life, and the rest of my existence, though it might be as rich as a wealthy man's, would merely be that of a puppet. What's more, what waits for me is only poverty and degradation."

After saying this, Belvan added:

"That is just part of the beginning."

Xilan nodded,

"It seems you will not leave this place.

But...are you so certain?

People's thoughts are ever-changing; today's musings are different from tomorrow's. In my view, you are merely being impetuous..."

In the darkness, they could not clearly see each other's faces, but they could grasp the extent of each other's movements.

Belvan shook his head,

"Please believe me, this is not an impulsive decision.

I have given it a great deal of thought.

Xilan, in history, you have been a disciple to the Prophet, a preacher for the Church, a founder. Your life and mission were to propagate those holy teachings and to show the path to the Heavenly City. You won countless debates and sermons, and yet you could not convince me."

In the darkness, the Dwarf Scholar turned his head and saw that the sky had now become thoroughly dark, the night air filled with the faint chirping of the birds.

"Why not?"

Xilan asked.

"King Mura used to think I was a True Believer who did not believe in True Religion, saying I was as timid as they are.

Those scholars often marveled at my knowledge and achievements, mistaking me for a True Believer at first because they could not believe that a traditional Dwarf could achieve such things.

To be honest, my past experiences had branded me with the mark of the True Believers. I had studied at Danschel, and the clergy there left a deep impression on me.

I have always had an affinity for the True Religion.

But I am not one of the True Believers; I did not accept your doctrines. I see no need to force myself to live for love, for the Lord, or for a world after death."

Belvan narrated calmly, his posture relaxed,

"I envy you, Xilan. On the path you pursue, you have already attained the best."

You can hear the words of God and accept the mission, you have reached the end of the path, but for me, the end of my path is still out of reach.

Even though the thoughts of people always change, my thoughts will not change anymore.

Because my path still cannot be completed."

Looking at Belvan, Xilan spoke with comforting words,

"Among the True Believers too, countless geniuses are unable to reach the end of the path."

Belvan took a deep breath and replied,

"Yes, so many people have not reached the end of the path, they are still walking on it.

But I can't accept that, I can't walk like they do.

Xilan, your Lord has given you infinite happiness, I know, if possible, you would also wish for me to become a True Believer.

Actually, though I am not a True Believer, I still believe in the truth.

But I will not accept that happiness. The life of a True Believer is not for me, you see me as affable, but in reality, my heart is proud and arrogant, I will never learn to be humble like you, that's why I can't accept the fact that I am a Pioneer.

I am in pain, mortals and the Divine are worlds apart, before God created the Path, we could all say it was natural, to use it to cover up our incompetence. But after God created the Path, that reason lost its validity, we must face our incompetence directly, I am in pain, I can't do it."

In the eerie silence of the dark,

Belvan shared his thoughts while Xilan listened quietly, feeling sorrowful.

Birds still chirped under the night sky, sounding like the Death God's messengers drawing closer step by step.

Lead-colored rain started falling under the dark sky, and behind the thin fog, the trajectories of the stars became intermittently bright and dim. Belvan gazed at the starry sky, and after a moment of thoughtful silence, he spoke again:

"For thousands and thousands of years, mortals have been looking up at the stars.

Priests often say this or that is the wrath of the Gods, or such and such is the will of the Divine.

Have you noticed? These words, they are spoken from the perspective of people. These words, they are people trying to understand and know the Divine.

For countless years, countless mortals have exhausted their efforts just to comprehend the vastness of the starry sky.

But could there be a day,

Not when we should understand the stars,

But when the stars should understand us..."

At this point, Belvan couldn't help but shed tears, clear tears slowly flowing down from the corners of his eyes, as if he was mourning for all the mortals in the world.

Xilan sat quietly, watching Belvan's tears silently fall.

After a moment, Belvan reiterated,

"I will not become a True Believer.

You often say that you represent the truth, but there are so many philosophers in the world, and not every wise person is a True Believer.

Your God promises you a different kind of happiness, different from that of the Netherworld, a happiness that is indeed worthy of my yearning, but not worthy enough for me to abandon my obsessions.

Xilan, you say I shouldn't stop here, that I have a further path to walk, but I feel that I should stop here.

Even if I have a further path to walk, after finishing it, I will still not reach the end of the path.

This just confirms the ancient saying, 'All rivers flow into the sea, yet the sea is never full.'

My thoughts will not change, I am ready to face death."

After hearing this, Xilan pondered for a long while, and then, as if offering one final consolation, asked softly,

"Do you really want to choose death like this?

Is the present world no longer beautiful for you?"

Belvan turned his head, looked at Xilan, and slowly said,

"I remember, for many True Believers who have diligently lived their lives, what they look forward to is the coming of the afterworld.

I think, my state of mind is the same as theirs—the present world is too painful.

If I accept your faith, becoming a True Believer now, then I would not die.

But I will not accept it, nor am I willing to accept the opportunity to go to Heaven.

You think, only the happiness of Heaven is the best, the final destination after death.

But you are wrong, in fact, before the coming of the True Religion, we had already learned how to face death, as the ancient saying goes—'At life's end, one must drink the bitter wine.'

After the bitter wine is swallowed, it's time to depart from this world, the soul heads to the Netherworld, into the hands of the Judge."

Belvan's mind was made up, no matter what Xilan said or did, he had chosen his path ahead, and it would not change anymore, he stood up and hugged Xilan.

He uttered a voice that sounded like a farewell:

"If your God is watching over you, then please contribute more for Him,I have heard people say the world has seen countless sacrifices for beautiful things, yet not many are willing to show the same compassion to hypocrites and deceitful evildoers."

Xilan understood, this person had chosen his own ending, no matter what he said or did, Belvan would not change his mind, his decision was firm, and no one could change it.