Chapter 2: when your heart is not the one they want
Nami adjusts her theodolite instrument to properly access the precise measurement and survey the area she's positioned in. She doesn't have the most elaborate tools on her, but she intends to capture as many details as possible for a successful mapping of this minuscular island they have come across with.
There are beads of sweat forming on her temple and forehead caused by standing under the blazing sun. She's only been here for a short period of time yet her discomfort is already becoming prominent. She ignores it, nonetheless, in favor of calculating the angles she's acquired. She only needs to scope a few more of these tiny uninhabited islands scattered around the New World before she can complete her very own world map and she knows that she shouldn't rush her movements, but there's a significantly heavy feeling inside her chest that's making her impatient and affecting her mood altogether.
Ever since she's realized that the feelings she harbors for their captain are not so familial or even platonic after all, her mind has been getting so conflicted. She feels very troubled and irritated by it, her judgement almost getting clouded with the predicament she finds herself in. Perhaps, inside her heart, she's fully aware that these feelings will never be reciprocated in this lifetime.
Luffy is just a careless, unsophisticated rubber boy who's always brash and rough with his actions, how has she fallen in love with him?
Well, it's true that he's exceptionally strong and unexpectedly considerate and kindhearted, and he's saved Nami so many times before, has freed her from her anguish and helped her to become a better person. He's shown how much he cares for her and has admitted that she's one of the most important people in his life. He makes Nami's heart throbs with his random acts of sweetness and causes her to redden with his openness and sincerity. Above all, his presence is like a lighthouse that guides her when she gets lost in the sea of her own fears and—
Nami mentally shakes her head in vexation. She's not supposed to list all those good characteristics of his. They're only promoting the undeniable truth that she's hopelessly and irrevocably in love with him.
Going back to her work, she notices that there seems to be a mistake on her measurement and she can't solve the right equation. She clicks her tongue loudly. She's starting to become really frustrated with this. It doesn't help that she's the only one among the Straw Hat Pirates who doesn't have a free time. The rest of them are either exploring the island or relaxing on the Thousand Sunny.
She checks on her meager tool once again, hoping that this time, she'll be able to get the correct point, but then at that moment, Luffy chooses to appear right in front of her.
"Yo, Nami! What are you so upset about?" he asks out of nowhere and she's partially amazed with how he can perceive her mood with ease and partially embittered that he's too dense to understand him being the reason all along.
She heaves out a long sigh of disappointment. What does she expect from him, really?
"It's nothing," she answers before turning her back on him to inspect the cliff and higher plains on the other side of the area.
While she's at it, she tries her best to smother the unnecessary thoughts inside her head that undoubtedly prevent her to finish her work smoothly. It doesn't matter that Luffy is here, she knows that he'll be going away soon anyway.
However, the man, himself, proves it impossible to accomplish when he joins her and willingly places his beloved straw hat on top of her head just like that time in Conomi Island when she's gotten so distressed because of Arlong.
"Here," Luffy speaks in a gentle, soothing manner that makes her heart skip a beat. "I'll lend this to you. Maybe you're so agitated because of this heat. Man, it's so hot in here."
Nami almost whimpers, her emotions struggling to come forth. She clutches on the shade of the hat in an attempt to ground her. Luffy is effortlessly feeding her desire for him without even knowing and she feels like she's going to drown in it any moment. What little sanguinness inside of her is glimmering with his care and attentiveness. Can she dare to hope?
"Luffy," she voices out, getting slightly surprised with how needy she sounds. Her tone is vibrating with longing and wishfulness, the sudden urge to simply blurt out what she feels overcoming her the instant she meets his gaze.
Luffy is smiling so beatifically at her, his concentration all focused on her. She bites her lip hard enough to feel pain and decides to go for it.
She swallows the lump that has formed on her throat and braces herself. Then, she faces him completely and with a heedful temperance, she brings a hand to cup his cheek in an amorous gesture.
"You know, I... Luffy, I..."
She's met with a confused look for the first seconds before it's been replaced by a modest, comprehending smile. It's at that moment that Nami's heartache comes back in full force.
"I'm sorry, Nami."
Luffy gently takes her hand from his cheek only to let it go entirely.
"You can take as much time as you need. We'll wait for you until you're satisfied with your work. Don't worry about a thing, Zoro will be here. He'll protect you if something happens."
She pictures him giving her a reassuring smile, but she's too busy minding the fragmented pieces of her broken heart to look up and see. Even then, she wills herself to act normal and speak up. "Where will you be?"
"I'm just going with Robin," is what the reply she hears. Coincidentally, it's also the last straw that sends her to agony and indescribable pain. "See ya!"
When she's alone again, she releases the restraints holding her back from expressing how painful it is to be left out by Luffy just like that, to be casted aside and be abandoned, and to be not the person that he yearns to spend his time with and grants his undivided attention. She eventually allows the tears from the corner of her eyes to flow continuously, sobbing and weeping in great lamentation.
Their captain has a mystifying ability to compel the waves to move in accordance to his emotions. The intense his feelings get, the stronger the splashes will be. If Nami has a similar ability with the weather, she doesn't doubt that the whole New World will be filled with thunder clouds by now, ready to execute fatal disasters and devastating calamities.
Her world has been so irritatingly bright just a while ago, but now, it's suddenly so gray and arctic. She hasn't even uttered the words properly and yet, the minute of hope that has flickered momentarily seems like a cruel joke in her harsh reality.
"Nami?"
Nami unceremoniously wipes her face upon hearing the approaching voice. She suspects it's from Zoro and remembers that Luffy has assured her that Zoro will be here. Then it brings to her mind that Zoro is someone she shares a mutual pain.
She fixes the straw hat on her head with a mix of bitterness and care. She can't thoroughly erase the traces of pain from her expression but she can muffle it by a certain extent.
"Hey, Zoro," she weakly calls when she senses him near her. "How do you do it?"
"Huh? Do what?"
Nami bites on her lower lip again to stop a sob. "How do you make your feelings disappear?"
It takes Zoro a full minute before replying, possibly contemplating on what to tell her. He's aware that Nami has picked up on his feelings long ago so there's no point in pretending he doesn't know what she's talking about. Besides, even though there's no verbal confirmation from him, he also doesn't do anything to deny it.
"The way of a swordsman comprises mostly of self-discipline. One must always be calm and collected to be able to easily control your emotions," he speaks stoically as if he's giving out a lecture.
She sighs. "How convenient for you."
"But even then..." Zoro continues and Nami stares at him. "Even then, all I can do is to contain it inside, pretend like it's not there until it completely disappears."
Nami can vividly hear the pain behind the tenderness his tone is laced with. It's quite discernible even to someone uninformed and it leads her to fathom how Zoro has been in the same place as she is right now. Probably, he still is.
Zoro has feelings for Robin that he has long accepted as unrequited. During those times he's determined to keep an eye on her and watch every suspicious move she'll make, what he's seen is not what he's expected to see at all. Instead of betrayal and exhibition of disloyalty, of hostile acts and wicked attacks, what he's seen from her is the truth of her personality. What he's discovered is her compassion and amity, her grace and finesse, and her earnest care and loyalty for the whole crew. And of course, as a man, he can't help but be captivated by her. As time has passed by, his feelings for her has blossomed and turn into a full-fledged one.
Maybe this is also how Luffy sees Robin and maybe, it's also the same reason why he's fallen for her and not for Nami.
"This is so hard. Can you even make it disappear?"
"Don't you know? If you strongly wish for something, it will eventually come true."
Nami feels a mild exasperation flaring up inside of her with this. She grits her teeth before directing her fiery gaze at him. "If that's the case, then why wish to make it disappear?! If it's that easy to make a wish come true, then why not ask for something else instead?! Then maybe the both of us can—"
She abruptly stops in grumbling her discontent when she catches the stern look Zoro is giving her. A wave of shame washes over her as she understands what that look means.
"Do you really think I have the heart to wish for something that can ruin that?"
Zoro beckons her to follow his line of sight and what she finds in there instantly makes her regret her actions.
Not too far from them, Robin is walking along the path of the nearby forest with Luffy right behind her. They're distant enough that Nami can't hear what they're talking about but she sees in clarity that when Luffy has caught up to her, he comfortably takes her hand and holds it in a secure yet delicate manner like it's the most precious thing he's ever held in his hands. She also watches in consternation how their captain presents Robin an expression Nami has never seen before.
She thinks with an abundant amount of jealousy that it's a look Luffy reserves only for Robin.
"Nami," Zoro seizes her attention back to him. She voluntarily provides it as what she's previously gazing at only breaks her heart even more. "You're one of the few people I'll risk my life for, but I can't permit you to do something that will ruin our captain's happiness, as well as the happiness of the woman I treasure the most."
Nami can't take it anymore. For the second time of the day, she lets the tears spill down her cheeks. She understands why Zoro feels the need to warn her like that, and both Luffy and Robin are her dearest friends, but it just hurts too much to think that Luffy will never look at her because he already has his eyes fixated on the person he loves.
Why does she have to suffer like this? Why does she have to fall in love with him? And why does Luffy have to choose Robin and not her?
She cries and cries and cries some more as the pain and heartaches run over her being. If strongly wishing for something is what it takes for it to come true, then she wholeheartedly wishes to extinguish and completely wipe out all these oppressive feelings she has in her. She doesn't want any of these, she doesn't need any of these.
"You demon," she tells Zoro with no bite at all. She gives him a weak punch in the chest, follows it with another hit and then some more. "You're a real demon, you know that?"
Zoro accepts her punches and hit without a word, which results for her to realize that he's letting her take it all out on him. She knows it's not fair for him as he's also hurting inside, also struggling with the same pain she feels, but for a little bit, only this once, she opts to be the selfish and inconsiderate one and greedily clings to the comfort Zoro is readily providing her.
"In exchange," he speaks after a short while and as Nami's crying abates, he gently pulls her head to rest it on his shoulder for an almost hug. Appreciating his support and warmth, she silently waits for him to continue.
"Until you can move on and finally give them a real smile, I'll stay by your side and comfort you like this."
Nami breathes. She's lucky she has Zoro with her.
..
Robin doesn't want to admit it but she feels like a young teenager giddy with joy as she walks through the forest hand in hand with Luffy.
Their hands are clasped together with their fingers interlacing with each other's. Luffy is lightly swaying them and Robin is becoming aware of the pink tinge covering her cheeks. This may be the first time she's ever done this with the purpose of simply aspiring to get in contact with someone. She supposes it's fortunate that Luffy is eager to initiate it.
"Hey, Robin, do you know how much I love you?"
By now, Robin is already used to the bluntness and candidness of her captain no matter how serious the topic is so she's not so surprised to hear him spout things like these. However, being used to it doesn't necessarily mean she doesn't get affected by it anymore. Her heart still beats more rapidly with every unexpected profession he declares.
"Not exactly," she replies, assuming he'll want to expound it.
"I love you more than anything and more than anyone else in the world," he says in factuality.
Robin smiles, the truth of his words enveloping her in a warm embrace. Naturally, it's the same for her, but there's another pressing matter that demands her to take action. After all, Luffy won't feel the need to make it clear if he's not bothered by something.
"Is this about Nami?"
He flinches. "Did you know?"
"I had a hunch, call it a woman's instinct."
Luffy squeezes her hand as he mumbles softly. "I see."
"I trust you, Luffy," she says, attempting to appease his worries. She's perfectly aware of how much he cares for Nami, but she's also confident that Luffy is faithful to her.
Nami is an important friend to her, too, and it's not as if Robin is disregarding her or her feelings toward Luffy, but this is the one thing that she'll willingly fight for, the only thing that she deeply and absolutely wants for herself.
"Thanks, Robin." He gives her an appreciative smile before it changes into an inquiring one. "What about Zoro, then?"
She actually hasn't anticipated for Luffy to know about that and in all honesty, she, herself, is not that fully informed. She has some perceptions, but she prefers not to mull over it as there's no proof of evidence or confirmation made by Zoro. In the end, it's all just an assumption on her part.
But now that Luffy seems to be bringing it to light, she may be required to address her opinion about it.
"You don't have to worry about a thing, Luffy. You're the only one that occupies my heart."
All of a sudden, she feels a tug on her hand as Luffy stills on his spot. Glimpsing back at him, she sees his eyes widening and mouth opening almost comically. He's staring at her in astoundment that she only responds with a soft giggle.
He blinks owlishly at her, probably digesting her words and processing how he feels about them. Then, he blushes. It's not the first time she's seen him gets flustered but the rarity of it never fails to charm her. He's so endearing and so lovely.
"I see, I see. That's good to know, then. I'm so happy to hear that."
Ultimately, he gives her one of his signature broad grin while scratching the back of his head with his free hand as a show of embarrassment.
Smiling in genuine mirth, Robin holds his hand even tighter as an unspoken promise of never letting him go no matter what happens and no matter who comes