Nova Wars

You think just because they've been gone for forty-thousand years they aren't dangerous?

One of the biggest military upgrades was the ability to negate C+ cannon rounds.

I will bet my left antenna that they'll come out of the bag with something that blows right through that defense, or somehow makes it so the common defense just makes things worse.

How do I know?

Because in less than 10,000 years they defeated the three Precursor races AND the Precursor Autonomous War Machines that nobody else could even hold a candle to. - Stalks the Night, Black Mantid Special Operations Troop, talking at the table at the back of the NCO Club at 0130, Year Zero

Do not ask how the nation of Meckakrautland builds their mighty war machines, rivaled only by the Hamburger Kingdom, and the Vodkatrog Empire. The answer you get will only lead you to more questions. You wish to know? Fine. First it must assemble as many different engineers from as many different fields as possible. It does not matter if they are incompatible, they must have them all. They will take them by force if necessary. Then they must assembles as many different bolts and nuts as it can, from every different variety of battlesteel laminate, plas-steel, warsteel, every possibly material that could fit upon a Mech. Finally they must bring together every 10mm socket in the country, with children dressed in brightly colored costumes searching the streets holding wicker baskets. It then takes every engineer to fit pieces and materials together, to fit bolts into slots, to tighten everything until war gear comes together. From there the mightiest machines will emerge. No, do not ask for a service manual just bring it back to the factory if it breaks. - Treana'ad historian GangXiSIyu, Year Zero

The Right of Consent is not absolute. There are a few situations where the Right of Consent is waivered. The most notable is when enough signatures are gathered to place an individual upon a ballot. - Ele'ctshu'unmoo, Lanaktallan Legal Affairs (Hamburger Kingdom) Specialist, TerraSol, Year 32 of The Bag.

The Lanaktallan's coat was brushed to a high gloss, his sash proclaimed how effective he was at his chosen profession (espionage), his hooves gleamed in the light. He wore a blue vest with white trim and a long flowing white wig and a tricorner hat upon his head. The banner of red and white stripes, with a blue field that had red and yellow stars in it in the upper left corner, was the entire background. Fierce avians with white heads screeched their cry as they flew across the stage. Fireworks, red, white, orange, blue, all exploded in incendiary joy.

The Lanaktallan approached a female Terran, plucking the infant from her arms, and pressed the front of his muzzle against the infants head before handing it back. The Lanaktallan then galloped to the middle of the stage.

"I am here to represent YOU in the Hamburger Kingdom Senate! I shall be the intercessor between YOU and the terrible Hamburger King! Elect me, Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd, Executor Services Superspy, and I will continue to serve the Lanaktallan race just as I have all my life!" the Lanaktallan proclaimed. He suddenly lifted up two machineguns, holding one with each pair of arms, and fired them into the air as music played.

"Paid for the by Elect Superspy Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd Committee," was intoned at the end.

The screen went dark.

"HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?" Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd shrieked, turning and looking at Chrome Cortez. He pointed at the screen. "THAT WASN'T ME! THAT WAS COMPUTER GENERATED! HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?"

"I'm not sure, sir," the big cyborg said.

"HOW?" Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd asked, turning to Major Bloodfist.

"Unknown, sir," the big mercenary said.

Wringing his hands together, Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd gave a low moan of distress. "This is a disaster, a disaster," he said. He looked up. "Heinrich," Ba'ahrn Ya'ahrd called out.

"Jawohl!" Heinrich called out, materializing next to Ba'ahrn Ya'ahrd, clicking his heels and giving a short stiff bow from the waist.

He was so upset that Ba'ahrn Ya'ahrd didn't even take a moment to admire the snazzy official looking outfit that the eVILiaison was wearing. The eVILiaison looked very intimidating and the scar down the side of Heinrich's face as well as the eyepatch gave him a sinister appearance that Ba'ahrn Ya'ahrd approved of.

"How did this happen?" Ba'ahrn Ya'ahrd asked, wringing his hands. "Why am I on a commercial to elect me to the Hamburger Kingdom's Senate?"

"I am not sure," the DS stated. He lit a cigarette from a slender pack he kept in his suit jacket. "Hamburger Kingdom political regulations and laws are complicated."

"OTTO!" Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd yelled.

The Digital Sentience Intelligence Analyst appeared, as always, as a tired looking human behind a large desk covered in file folders with a crude appearing computer in the middle. The DS had a half-finished cigarette in his hand and a half-empty bottle of alcohol next to him.

"You called, Comrade?"

"HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?" Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd shrieked, pointing at another commercial, this one of him driving a big red car really fast through the desert and firing pistols in the air with the two hands that weren't occupied with steering.

The DS shuffled through his papers, looking tired as always. He paused, took a shot of whiskey, and refilled his glass.

"Anyone can sign anyone else up for political office. It is illegal for someone to put themselves forward for Hamburger Kingdom political office, but anyone who can gather enough signatures can put forward someone else's name," Otto looked up. "You did not file any objection strong enough to counter the two million signatures you received from Lanaktallan living in the Hamburger Kingdrom Great Galloping Plains."

"HOW WOULD I KNOW TO FILE?" Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd shrieked.

"You have to personally request a list of all beings who received enough signatures to be nominated for office," Otto said.

Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd turned to screen as another commercial appeared, this one old file footage of him protecting a herd of school children from terrorists. He was armed with a grenade launcher, blowing up terrorists who sought to murder the school children.

"MAKE THEM STOP THAT!" Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd screamed like a bagpipe being jumped up and down on by a gorilla.

"It's too late, sir," Heinrich said. "The Elect Superspy Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd Committee is a duly registered Hamburger Kingdom political organization," he shook his head. "They even have the prerequisite one billion Hamburger Smackers in shady and possibly illegal donations, three scandals, and two immanent arrests for impropriety," Heinrich raised an eyebrow. "They even have an embezzling scandal," he looked up. "I'm afraid, sir, that this election committee is entirely legal and within standard Hamburger Kingdom politics."

Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd gave a whimper of misery as another commercial appeared, this one of him racing across the grass, firing machineguns, the white wig flowing out behind him.

"Paid for by Elect Superspy Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd Committee."

-----

Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd lifted up the whiskey bottle and guzzled down a good fifth of it as he stared at the screen.

"Are the guards ready?" the Lanaktallan Superspy asked.

"Yes, sir," Major Bloodfist said.

"This can't be real," Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd moaned.

More precincts were reporting in. While the results would not be officially released until the light of dawn touched the Hamburger King's fortress, exit polls of voters were being used in lieu of actual voting data.

He was winning with over 148% of registered voters.

Too many interviewed were wearing the holobutton with his smiling face on it, with "VOTE EARLY!" on the top and "VOTE OFTEN!" on the bottom.

He glanced at the clock.

It was 3AM.

The reporter looked up. "Data leaked from Polling and Voting Stations has recently been purchased on the Dark Web by this news station. We have new information on the vote totals in District Nineteen of the Great Galloping Plains," the reporter said. He turned slightly and the camera went to another view. "As you know, this is the largest Lanaktallan settlement outside of the Great Rift Valley, outnumbering even the Great Firewall of the Middle Kingdom," he turned again. "With Lanaktallan being granted the right to vote by the Hamburger Kingdom Supreme Court, this election will determine who will represent the former invaders in the Hamburger Kingdom government."

It showed the vote totals. It was a set of steady curves upward, with the shining green line of his name rapidly rising above the others.

Then the latest came in.

"No, no, no, no," Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd moaned as more votes came in.

His line jumped way up.

He had 285% of the registered voters.

His opponents only had 15% all put together.

As he watched, his opponents numerical totals suddenly dropped.

Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd put his face in his hands and gave a low moan of misery.

The reporter appeared again. "Candidate James Joan Rathford Smith Jinglehiemer was found dead in his residence of a suicide. His votes will now go to the leader, Superspy Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd."

The Lanaktallan shrieked again as his vote total climbed.

There was the sound of gunfire and Chrome Cortez suddenly grabbed Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd.

"Quickly, sir, to the roof. We have a jetpack for you to escape with!" the Head of Security said.

"What is happening?" Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd asked as they ran for the elevator.

"You have an insurmountable lead. Senate Apprehension and Capture Teams have been deployed by the Hamburger King," Cortez said.

There was detonation that rumbled across the floor.

The elevator doors opened to reveal something horrifying.

Heavy power armor done in red, white, and blue, with a star on the chest with a set of golden arches on each side. The shoulder pauldrons were orange and red with a hamburger with a crown on one side and the Hamburger Kingdom flag on the other. They wore no helmets, letting all gaze upon their terrifying visages. Red curly hair, white painted faces with exaggerated mouths done in blood red.

The group in the elevator smoothly walked out in the slow and steady movements of professionals.

Cortez drew his pistol, shooting, the rounds glancing off of the power armor to explode on the walls and roofs.

The lead leveled his heavy stunner and fired.

Cortez went down, twitching.

Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd collapsed next to him as the power armor troops moved forward.

The Lanaktallan superspy managed to speak before they threw the net over him and the stunner's effects rendered him unconscious.

"Curse you, Meal Team Six."

-----

The day was bright and cheery. A huge crowd was gathered in front of the Hamburger Palace, all looking at the stage.

Fireworks exploded and the curtain parted.

The dread Hamburger King stood in the middle of the stage, resplendent in his blood spattered fur robes, the warsteel and gold crown on his head heavy and dreadful with the gems gleaming in the sunlight. His smile was wide, breaking up his beard and mustache of red hair.

In front of him were the Senators Elect, all down on their knees, their hands bound in front of them with gold chains, two Flame Broiler Marines in power armor with napalm throwers in their hands behind each Senator Elect.

"Please, your Highness, I have a family," one Terran male cried out.

"HE BEGS FOR MERCY WHEN THERE IS NONE TO BE HAD IN POLITICS!" the Hamburger King roared out.

The crowd laughed.

"Please, your Highness, I'm innocent, the vote wasn't rigged!" another cried out.

The crowd laughed.

"GAZE UPON YOUR ELECTED SENATE REPRESENTATIVES AND GIVE THANKS MY GAZE PASSES EACH OF YOU BY TO SETTLE UPON THEM!" the Hamburger King bellowed, his words echoing from sea to shining sea.

Over half the kneeling beings on the stage were weeping.

The Hamburger King raised his terrible scepter and lights flashed from it.

From behind the curtain giant mechs stomped forward, crushing several functionaries, sycophants, and lackies under their feet.

The giant mechanical Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd clenched all four fists together, raising them over his head, firing rockets from his flanks that exploded over the crowd, dropping small Chrome Cortez, Major Bloodfist, and Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd action figures (By BooooobCo!) to the cheering beinga assembled to witness his defeat and subjegation by the Hamburger Kingdom Electorate.

"Take them away. Imprison them in their Senatorial Estate Penitentiaries," the Hamburger Kingdom laughed.

Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd managed to lift his head and give out one last scream of defiance as the Flame Broilers lifted him to his feet.

"CURSE YOU, YU'UMO'O!"

-----

The alarm woke him up. He sat up, groggy, in his lavish sleeping sling. The beep wasn't a Senate Ethics Committee investigating whether or not he'd been turning down bribes like some nefarious villain. It wasn't the Misconduct Inquisition looking to see if he'd turned down any inter-species affairs.

It was a mandatory assembly.

Ordered by the Hamburger King himself.

Groaning, Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd untangled himself from the sling and the high prices prostitutes (three of which were spies, as was proper. He even had an assassin in his coterie, putting him above the other dabblers in the Senate) hovering on the anti-grav plate.

"What now?" he asked, lifting up an inhaler and taking a hit of quiksober as he moved over to the window to look at the empty sky.

His brain cleared more from the view than the hit off the inhaler.

The sky was full of stars.

"OTTO!"

Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd felt a deep furious joy rise up as he stared at the night sky.

"The Bag is open," he whispered softly even as the Mandatory Assembly alarm yelled.