No Man’s Land

The next day at school I walked into Mrs. O’Connel’s Science class and gave her the letter from Savannah’s doctor. “I see,” she said, “I can give you her assignments then?” I nodded and took my seat in the back. It was rather empty back there without Savannah. 

Mrs. O’Connel handed out our lab instructions and I pulled my wavy black hair into a high ponytail. I heard the distinctive snap of a rubber band come from the table next to mine. I moved over to that table and whispered, “Here, have my spare hair tie.” She looked a bit timid when she took the aqua blue elastic in her hand. I reassured, “You can keep it, I have plenty.” She had this lovely curly red hair that went down just past her shoulders.

I must have bumped the table with my hip because before I knew it I saw the distinctive descending glare of a beaker about to break on the linoleum floor. Faster than I could react, this girl positioned her body and got her hand under the falling beaker. She caught it centimeters from the floor. Everyone else was busy starting their labs so they didn’t notice this fantastic feat of finesse. “Great catch!” I told her in an energetic whisper. “You should try out for the tennis team.” She gave me an exasperated thumbs up. She was probably too shy to speak. 

I went back to my table and we did our labs in relative silence. The whole day passed rather uneventfully after that. After my last class I made my way to the gym. The team decided an open tryout was the best way to fill Savannah’s spot. Lined up in front of the school’s trophy case, which was about seventy-five percent our trophies, was about seventy-five percent of the girls in our grade. I let the candidates in and climbed the bleachers to get to the announcers booth.

Coach Bennett was standing in the back of the booth. Jaqueline, Kairi, and Nia were arranging score cards on a wooden folding table. “Should I wait for anyone else?” I asked. 

Coach answered, “There’s not much more space and I wanted the others to get more studying time.” I nodded and sat down in front of the microphone. 

“Welcome ladies!” I announced, “As you know, due to the injury of our doubles star Savannah Applewhite, there is a temporary spot open on the girls’ tennis team. You will see in the four corners of the gym there are tennis machines. One at a time you will stand between the two red tape lines and return the launched balls. You will be judged on the number of returns, your mobility, your reaction time, the versatility of the swings you attempt, and your overall endurance. Once you can no longer return please retrieve the balls in your area and reload to the machine. With all that said, let the tryouts begin.”

There was one set of eyes for each of the corners. The dozens of girls I watched all blurred together. Most of them were below average in all categories. The few that demonstrated a skill with one category were woeful in every other metric. If any of my girls made it on the court, the newbies would get picked apart. I looked to Nia to see if she had any luck but it didn’t seem like it.

After all the girls left the gym we stayed up in the booth comparing score sheets. We were trying to find anyone who would at least make us presentable for the rest of the season. We had it narrowed  down to four girls when suddenly we heard the whur of the machines turning on. We rushed to the window overlooking the gym to see what was going on, to make sure that someone wasn’t doing anything dangerous or destructive with the machines.

Unaware of us, somebody had decided to use the machines for a little workout. She had taken her place across from the machines when they began to operate. With reflexes of rubber, she moved about the court knocking each ball back. Forehands, backhands, volleys, smashes, she incorporated all different strokes. None of the other girls had even returned half of the balls she did. The other girls looked at each other all clearly thinking the same thing, they had found their new teammate. 

“Who is that girl?” Asked Jaqueline. 

I squinted to see for sure. “I saw her in my science class this morning.” I confirmed. She was still wearing my aqua blue hair tie. 

Nia spoke up, “Well let’s go talk to her, see if we can convince her to join up!” 

We all rushed for the door but by the time we opened it she was already leaving the gym. To all of our surprise, she left into the boys’ locker room.

---

I rolled my shoulders back a few times. The tennis workout had really taken a toll on me. I quickly got dressed in my street clothes and grabbed my book bag. 

It was so much nicer changing after hours like this. The other guys weren’t there, nobody was looking at me or yelling or spraying that awful body spray like it was febreeze in a Chipotle bathroom. I slung my book bag over my shoulder and headed out.

I was met by the girl who had given me a hair tie in Science, flanked by three other girls and a member of the faculty. I assumed they were her friends, but why was the teacher there? 

“Hey, did I do something wrong?” I asked, “If I wasn't supposed to use the machines, I’m sorry. Someone just kinda left them there.” I explained, “I usually just use whatever is around to get some exercise in. Am I in trouble?”

The women looked me up and down, it was almost as bad as when the guys do it. Eventually the girl from my Science class, I think her name was Maria, spoke up. “We have a very special proposition for you.”

My eyebrows shot up. What kind of proposition could these girls have for someone like me? They were definitely out of my league, not that anyone was in my league. I hated how I looked and I knew everyone else did too. That was especially evident with how much crap the guys gave me for not being as tall and muscular as them, not that I wanted to be like that…

“We would like you to join our tennis team.” Nia stated, “We need a replacement for one of our girls who was injured and we think you could be just the girl for the job.”

I gasped. They thought I was a girl. Why did they think I was a girl? Was this a prank? How could they confuse me for a girl? 

I managed to sputter out. “But I’m not a girl.”

“Oh please!” Maria said with a snort, “Have you seen how pretty you are? If you’re not a girl, I’ll eat my racket!” 

I must have turned beet red with how hot my face felt. Not only did these girls think I was a girl, they thought I was pretty too. I started to think about how I would look as a girl before I cut myself off. Those thoughts would just get me bullied by the other guys. 

“I do still wonder,” Kairi said quizzically, “Why did you use the boy’s locker room?” 

“It doesn’t matter why she’s in there, she’s the best player we’ve seen all day!” Maria shouted back. 

Maria turned to me and said “C’mon, let’s get you fitted for a uniform.” She grabbed my wrist and began to pull me towards the other side of the gym complex where the girls’ locker room was. Tennis must have made her stronger than my passive resistance. 

“Um, what should I do?” I asked the teacher.

The teacher looked annoyed. She pinched the bridge of her nose and said “Look, just join the team for one game at the very least. We’ve come too far to be knocked out of the running by Hillfort.” 

“But I’m not-“ I was broken up by Maria pulling past the girls’ locker room door. The experience was confusing. I didn’t know how to feel about finally being inside. I’d wanted to come in here for a long time, but not for the same reasons as other guys. Girls were just generally nicer to me. They didn’t stare at me or make mean comments about my appearance the way the guys did, I wanted to be here to get away from the crap the guys always put me through. 

The teacher half shouted. “I AM NOT letting us lose because of Hillfort, not again. Join the team for at least the next game or I’ll write you up for being in the wrong locker room.”

I gulped as Maria dragged me deeper. “Here, change into this.” Maria said, thrusting a bundle of fabric in the school colors into my arms, “This one should fit you, if not we have other sizes.” 

I looked at the clothes she had pushed into my arms, figuring they must be a girl’s tennis uniform. I was about to speak up when I remembered the threat by the teacher. Apparently I was stuck with either having to pretend to be a girl for a while or lose every Saturday for the next few months. 

Maria saw my visible discomfort and said “It’s ok, I’ll give you some privacy to change.” With that she rounded the corner around the bank of lockers we were standing behind and went out of sight. 

I sighed, for so long I had tried to resist the urge to explore my feminine side. I knew how badly I’d wanted to, but that made me even more scared to explore it. I knew how much I envied the girls, how much I wished I could be cute and feminine like them. I knew that if I gave in and explored those feelings that I would be crossing a threshold I might never come back from. Now here I was, being forced to dive headfirst into the deep end of that pool. How could I come back from this?

“Are you done changing yet? I wanna see how the uniform fits you.” Maria shouted from the other side of the bank of lockers.

“Just another minute.” I said shakily. I unfolded the— my new uniform. There was a white tank top with Heartport Girls Tennis written on the front in teal. The tag read that it was a blend of cotton, polyester, and spandex. There was also a pleated purple tennis skirt. I so admired the way pleated skirts would look when the girl wearing them turned.

I was taking too long. I shut my eyes as I changed into the uniform and rounded the corner. I didn’t want to see the disgust in Maria’s eyes when she saw what I was.

“You look great!” She shouted enthusiastically, “But your skirt should rest a little more up here.” I yelped as she made her adjustment. “What’s wrong?” She asked, with her head tilted incredulously to the side.

“Won’t this show my boxers?” I shuddered.

“Oh, you’re not as far along as I thought.” She considered options before perking back up. “Well in that case we’ll have to go shopping! You’ll need different underwear to make sure that doesn’t happen. And between you and me, your style could use some work too.”

“My style?” I said as I twisted a lock of my hair nervously. I had never really thought much about style before, I just didn’t want to stand out. 

“Yeah, you’re always wearing that baggy hoodie and jeans. Seeing how cute you are in that uniform, I'm dying to see you in some more colorful stuff.” Maria said encouragingly, “I guarantee you’ll look even cuter than you do now.” 

Once again, I must have turned beet red. “I-I don’t think I’m cute.” I stuttered, eyes cast down at the floor.

“Oh c’mon, let me show you.” She pulled me in front of one of the sink mirrors. 

I just stared blankly at the mirror. Reflected back at me were two girls in the school tennis uniforms, and one of them was me. A surge of emotion hit me, a feeling that I actually liked how I looked at the same time as shame for that feeling and fear as to knowing I could never come back from this. What was I going to do after this? I had no idea, but as I looked at myself longer I couldn’t help but admit that I did look a little feminine. My heart fluttered at that thought, and I had no idea what that meant.

I still didn’t know how to feel when I got back home. I needed to talk to someone I could trust, but not anyone who knew me too closely. I decided to open up Discord and send my friends a message. 

IceBerg: Hey, I’ve got some bad news. I’m not gonna be online as much for the next month or so.

Essence: 😕

SunRay: What happened?

IceBerg: A lot! So, I was just minding my own business when these girls came up and suddenly I’m on the girls’ tennis team.

SunRay: YOU WHAT?!?!?!

Essence: 🎉 Welcome to the sisterhood!

IceBerg: What? No, it’s not like that. I’m still a guy.

Essence: Please explain.

Iceberg: They thought I was a girl I guess and they needed a replacement for their team.

SunRay: And you agreed?

IceBerg: I mean I didn’t say no, but

IceBerg: Look this is why I wanted to talk about this. If I didn’t agree I would’ve gotten detention, but that almost doesn’t matter. Like I don’t want to argue, but if I don’t what will they think of me?

Essence: What do you want them to think of you? 

IceBerg: I don't know 

IceBerg: I sorta liked when they thought I was a girl.

SunRay: Then what’s the problem?

IceBerg: Well, what happens when I have to go back?

Essence: Go back to what?

IceBerg: Being a guy. What if I prefer being a girl so much that I can’t make myself go back? 

Essence: I wouldn’t worry about that yet. I think you should just use this opportunity to explore your feelings. However you feel after will tell you which way you really want to go.

IceBerg: What does that mean? 

Essence: We can’t tell you that yet. 

Sunray: Yeah

Essence: All we really can say right now is that we’ll be here for you. So if worst comes to worst you’ll have 2 friends. 

IceBerg: Why can’t you just tell me now?

SunRay: Because if we did, we’d have to kill you! 😜

Essence: 🤣

Essence: Hey, what do they think your name is?

IceBerg: What? Oh, yeah, I guess it never came up. 

SunRay: Well, what do you want your girl name to be?

IceBerg: Uhhhh, I don’t know

Essence: Why not use Katie? You used it in that RPG we played. 

IceBerg: I guess that could work.

I was interrupted by a knock at my door. My mother called out, “Dinner’s ready!”

“I’ll be down in a minute.” I replied. 

“Alright but you’re saying the brakhah.” She added. 

I bid my friends farewell and thought through how I would explain my predicament to my parents. I wouldn’t be lying to them if I told them I joined the tennis team. I don’t have to tell them which one.