No Dark Secrets In This Book

Episode 147

“How’s the blood loss?”

“Don’t change the subject.”

“Your condition is important for the plan.”

“…Not good.”

“How bad?”

“It won’t be a hindrance. So…”

“You’re giving me a chance. Honestly sharing your physical condition with the commander is the basics of basics for the infiltration team, right?”

“…”

When I threw his words right back at him, Ryuseong started glaring at me. 

‘But what are you going to do about it?’

I made a valid point. And if this guy doesn’t accept my terms, my life’s first plan presentation won’t begin. This body isn’t easy to deal with.

Filled with overflowing confidence, I looked down on Ryuseong, and he sighed deeply, pressing his forehead.

“…Fortunately, the delirium hasn’t hit yet.”

“…Then, after a ten-minute break, I will explain the plan.”

I tried to say it nonchalantly, but my eyes inevitably became hot.

I had a vague idea it would be like this, but as expected, it turned out to be a mess. I couldn’t even estimate how much blood had soaked into the black uniform he was wearing.

“Then why did you follow…”

I tried to laugh, but my nose bridge wrinkled anew. I was not in the mood to laugh at all. If a person could die from guilt, I felt like I would have died by now.

Of course, I’m well aware that I have the precious feeling of love for Ryuseong. 

But even so, Ryuseong didn’t need to get hurt like me…

“If you feel guilty, shake it off. I would have followed you anyway even if you stopped me.”

At some point, the blue eyes that met mine looked at me persistently and meticulously, pretending to be indifferent. You, who are terribly affectionate, were… putting me to the test.

‘What that means is…’

Now I know that even someone like me is human. I found out thanks to you.

‘But do I have the worth to let a miracle like you get hurt?’

In my opinion, you should have met someone better than me. Someone much more solid and mature than a deficient ego that messes up your life, not someone like me. Because I don’t suit you. I knew I had to let you go even now.

But you look at me over and over again as if I’m dazzling…

And smile with one corner of your lips crooked.

“You think I’d let you die alone?”

Breathtakingly enchanting.

‘…’

Suddenly, I wanted to become illiterate. I wanted to live without understanding the meaning of words. If only I hadn’t read your love, I wouldn’t be this miserable.

“…A double suicide isn’t romantic at all, you know?”

“We have no choice. We have to live together. Forever.”

I tried to change the subject with a joke, but it felt like I got slapped in the face. No, you should meet someone better than me. So forever. That shouldn’t happen. But why are you… Forever. My head spins dizzily with that one word. With a vow, a promise, an oath that stakes a lifetime…

I failed to brush it off with a laugh. Even though I knew my voice was trembling foolishly, I had no choice but to ask.

“…Do you think eternal love is possible?”

Anyway, I had no means to tie you down. You could go anywhere, and I had no right to hold onto you. Because I’m a person who can’t be independent on my own.

This question stemmed from that reason. 

Whether it seems possible for you to love me forever.

Of course, if a lover says such a thing, I slap them in the face. But even after hearing such a question, Ryuseong calmly asked back and gave me time to think.

“Think about what you want to say. And ask.”

“…”

Only then did I notice my quickened breathing and slowly began to take deep breaths.

‘What do I want? What do I want that I’m questioning you?’

Do I want to test you now and force you to say that you love me? Do I want to test if you can love me even though you know I’m such an insufficient person…? But that wasn’t it. That wasn’t my intention. It’s just that, for the first time, I was understood, for the first time, I experienced being accepted as I am…

You, who embrace my wretched soul, are so infinitely… lovable…

‘So that’s why I can’t bear it.’

A dog wagging its tail, saying it likes you to death. But you are too radiant for me to have, and I can’t love you like a blind fool. That’s who I am…

“How… did you find this place?”

I changed the subject for a moment. But it was also something I was genuinely curious about.

“To be able to avoid the eyes of demons for such a long time.”

The cave Ryuseong brought me to was not only halfway up the cliff but also had its entrance blocked by rocks, but the interior was quite spacious. Of course, I’m saying it’s spacious as a temporary hideout to stay for a bit and disappear, and it’s so cramped for two men to sit that our knees are about to touch.

But at least it’s someplace to rest in the Black Light.

“It’s really a nice hideout. But it seems like it had an owner at some point…”

“It did.”

“It’s definitely ownerless now, right? I mean, just in case a named demon who turned into a human stayed here, so be careful…”

“That won’t be the case. It’s mine.”

“What?”

When I asked back dumbfoundedly, Ryuseong chuckled.

“This is where I used to live.”

Hearing those words, I looked around. This is definitely a good hideout. However, it was a really poor environment for a person to reside in.

There was no place to get water, and no place to relieve oneself and clean up.

It was just a small cave made of stone itself.

There was a cliff in front of the entrance hidden by rocks. Below it, monsters were crawling, and above it, there were primitive bird demons. How on earth did Ryuseong survive in a place like this? In an abandoned land where no one protected him… There were traces of a child grinding stones to make something like a blade in order to survive, covered in thick dirt.

It was literally no different from a den where a beast lives. No one would have taught him language or how to embrace.

But how can you be so affectionate?

“Why that expression?”

“…You,”

My throat is choked up, and no words come out.

Because I feel sorry for you, because I like you, because I love you, when the utmost feelings swell up as if they’re going to burst, I learned today that I can’t say anything at all.

Ryuseong, whether he knew my feelings or not, was just laughing as if the air was leaking out.

“Coming back, it’s cramped.”

“…”

“It looked so big back then.”

In his memories, it was like a solid castle protecting him.

That’s why it was hard for him to adapt to Hanra.

“Because that place wasn’t a cave.”

I was in agony as if my flesh was being torn because you were calm.