Nirvana In Fire

Seated within the Liyang Mansion carriage that had a brief encounter with the Su Residence carriage at the intersection was Grand Princess Liyang herself. She had just arrived at the city gates to send off her last child, to send him across the Jianghu to barren hills and wild rivers thousands of miles away, to retrieve his father’s remains. Xie Bi was different from his older brother, Xiao Jingrui. He was a noble’s son in every sense of the word, whose impression of the Jianghu was nothing more than landscape and legends. His journey would be as high as the mountains and as long as the rivers, and even though he brought with him a few household servants, his mother couldn’t help feeling anxious.

Just outside the Nanyue Gate, the only person who came to see him off was Yan Yujin. Perhaps one could say that the world was indifferent to the family, not because they had lost power, but because nobody wanted to continue to pay too much attention to them.

Before leaving, Xie Bi bowed three times, requesting Yan Yujin to visit his mother frequently, his words sincere and his expression calm. Having been beaten by violent storms, this young noble from a once prestigious family had matured a lot. Because he had remained largely unnoticed amidst the bizarre events of that night, many people had neglected Xie Bi’s pain and suffering, but in actual fact, he had lost just as much as everyone else. Without the title, there was no future. Brothers were separated and loving relationships were broken. His father, once so highly admired, left him with a bad name. Yet though his world was turned upside down, he couldn’t be dispirited or depressed, because he had to take care of his mother, who was getting weaker by the day.

Xie Bi had never been Grand Princess Liyang’s favourite child, but after the catastrophe, he had proven himself to be the most dependable child. He had to clean up the terrible mess that had crashed down on them from hell, dispose of their belongings and dismiss the servants; he had to constantly pay attention to his mother’s emotional ups and downs, and accompany her through her sleepless nights; he had to bury his younger sister. After sending his half-brother off, he had to pacify his younger brother, who was away studying at the Shanzhong Academy, to minimize the impact of this disaster on Xie Xu. And now, he had no choice but to make the long and difficult trek to retrieve his father’s remains, with a simple pack of belongings on his back.

As the heir to Marquis of Ning, Xie Bi had been educated to take over the family title and everything it entailed, but he now faced a situation he had never expected. Which is why when Yan Yujin saw him off, he said to Xie Bi with utmost sincerity, “Xie Bi, I had underestimated you before.”

After sending off her last child, Grand Princess Liyang’s tears had dried up. She politely refused Yujin’s request to accompany her and sat alone in the empty carriage, returning to that place she could no longer call home. In terms of treatment, the Grand Princess still continued to enjoy the status she had before, with everything it entailed. Though a luxurious life was provided for, deep inside, she felt so poor as to not have anything at all. Everything she valued, the people and affections she cherished, had left her far behind.

The momo who had been caring for her since she was a child hurried forward, helped her change into light silk clothes, unwrapped her hair bun and helped her to lie down on the couch, making her as comfortable as possible. Two maids knelt on their knees and gently massaged her waist and legs. Another maid waved a feathered fan to generate a cool breeze. A jade cup was filled with dew, while musk burnt by the window sill. The luxury and wealth remained as before. Except that the heart was empty and full of sorrow.

No matter how strong and resolute one was, it wasn’t possible to withstand such loss. Family, love, husband, children…..one slash of the knife after another. After that, even if one could forget the pain, only numbness and weakness would remain.

“Princess, why don’t you have a bowl of calming soup?” said her momo softly, trying to persuade her, her eyes filled with affection and concern. Because she couldn’t bear to deepen the worries of the grey-haired old woman, Liyang tried with great difficulty to pull herself together and said, “Alright, put it there. I’ll drink it on my own. Go and rest. I’ll settle myself.”

The old momo gestured for the maid to put the soup bowl down on the table, then instructed all the servants to withdraw. After fifteen minutes, she quietly returned. Seeing that the soup bowl was empty and that the princess seemed to be sleeping peacefully, she felt her worries ease and finally went to rest, making her trembling way back to her room with the help of a young servant girl.

It was coming to the end of summer. The sounds of the cicadas were waning, but the sounds of autumn hadn’t yet arrived, so it was still as water all around. Grand Princess Liyang didn’t like company when she was taking her nap, so all the palace maids withdrew after lowering the screen, waiting in attendance outside the hall entrance, leaving her on the couch, in the hall, all by herself. In that quiet stillness, the screen on the west side of the room suddenly moved, and a light and slender silhouette of a woman slipped in. Like a cat with its claws sheathed, she slunk her way to the side of the couch, where she crouched, observing the princess’s reclining body for a while, before lightly removing the hand resting on her waist with her fingers, and then lifting the front of her jacket. Against her white clothing was a bright yellow pouch that was tied to her waist. Seeing this, the intruder’s face lit with joy, and she immediately reached out to unfasten it.

Although the pouch looked ordinary, it was tightly knotted and the intruder was unable to untie it even after several attempts. She removed a dagger from within her sleeve and just as she was about to cut through the ribbon, she suddenly felt a strong gust of wind approaching from behind. In her alarm, she quickly turned around to dodge it, but was too late. A palm hit her on the back of her shoulders, sending her flying several feet away, where her body hit against the vermillion pillar and she fell unconscious to the ground, blood pouring from her mouth.

It was not an insignificant movement. Not only did the maids outside the hall rush in, the sleeping Grand Princess Liyang was also jolted awake. She immediately sat up, but before she could look clearly around her, a strong pair of hands supported her while a familiar voice simultaneously whispered gently in her ear, “Mother, are you alright?”

Grand Princess Liyang trembled all over. Bringing her gaze into focus, she stared blankly at the face before her. It was thinner, more tanned, and the eyes were calmer, more steady, but apart from that, he still looked just like he did before, still her most beloved child.

The child she most favoured, but also the one she had hurt the most, for whom she bore the most guilt.

“Jingrui….” As soon as the pale lips uttered this name, the tears that had all dried up began to flow again. She hugged him tightly to her, never wanting to let him go.

“Yes. It’s me….” Xiao Jingrui patted his mother’s back comfortingly. Though her eyes were red, she remained smiling. Before, when things were peaceful and they still had their honor, the relationship between the mother and son was distant and formal, but after the catastrophe, they were now able to experience such intimacy between flesh and blood.

“Jingrui, it would have been good if you were back a day earlier.” After her burst of tears, Grand Princess Liyang drew in a deep breath and relaxed her hold. She looked at her son’s face and said, “Bi’er set off for Qianzhou today. You just missed him….”

“I heard from the housekeeper. It’s alright. He’ll be back as soon as he retrieves the coffin.” Xiao Jingrui wiped the tears from his mother’s cheeks with his sleeves and said softly, “I will be keeping you company until Second Brother returns.”

This very ordinary sentence made Grand Princess Liyang cry again. Holding her tears back with great difficulty, she continued to gaze at her son. Unable to take her eyes off him, she looked him up and down as if she couldn’t get enough of him. Xiao Jingrui had better control of himself, and was at that moment thinking of the person he had sent flying earlier. He quickly got up to have a look and found a woman dressed in servant’s attire. Having sustained serious injuries, she was still lying in the same spot. Because they didn’t know what was going on, the maids didn’t dare to move her.

“Jingrui, what’s going on?” Grand Princess Liyang also stood up and walked over to have a look.

“I’m not too sure either. I didn’t inform anyone when I came in because I heard Mother was having a nap and came in just in time to catch her withdrawing her dagger by your couch. In my urgency, I’ve probably hit her a little too hard.” Xiao Jingrui inspected the woman’s injury and frowned. “It looks like she won’t wake up for a while. She looks a little familiar. Was she a former servant?” The lady in charge of the princess’s mansion said that this woman had been in service for three years. This puzzled Xiao Jingrui, who muttered to himself, saying, “If she has been here for so long, there would have been many opportunities for assassination. Why delay it till today?”

Grand Princess Liyang also couldn’t help frowning. “I’m an insignificant person now. Who would want to assassinate me? Jingrui, are you sure you saw her try to kill me?”

Xiao Jingrui’s eyes narrowed as he recalled what had just transpired. “Mother, do you have anything on your waist?”

“My waist?” Grand Princess Liyang slowly felt around her waist. When her fingers brushed against the soft silk surface of the pouch, her face paled. “Only….only this….you already know….Xie….the letter he wrote before he left….”

Hearing her mention the handwritten letter, Xiao Jingrui suddenly recalled the events of the past, and he shivered. He asked urgently, “What’s in the letter? Has Mother read it?”

Grand Princess Liyang shook her head weakly. “The only reason I kept this letter he entrusted me with was to save his life. I have no desire to read its contents…..”

Xiao Jingrui was also not interested in knowing the secrets Xie Yu might have left behind. Because the more he knew, the more pain he suffered. The consequences of digging up ugly scars of the past is unbearable suffering and torture. He knew this better than anyone else. But now that someone was targeting and had made their move for the sealed letter, without understanding its contents, it would be difficult to guess who the enemy was or judge the extent of danger it posed. Which is why after thinking it through over again, he dismissed the servants from the room.

Grand Princess Liyang took hold of his hand. “Jingrui, are you going to read it?”

“Your safety is more important. We would only know how to respond once we know who’s implicated in the letter. If Mother really doesn’t wish to know, your son will read it himself.”

Grand Princess Liyang smiled faintly, lowered her head and opened the pouch at her waist. Removing the ink-stained piece of silk, she said softly, “If you’re going to read it, let’s do it together. If it’s another hurt from the past, it’s better for two people to bear it together than to bear it alone.”

Xiao Jingrui reached out to take the piece of silk, then sat by his mother’s side, spreading it out flat. Both mother and son held its corners and read it carefully from the beginning. At first, both their expressions were mildly grave, but after a while, their faces turned deathly pale, and the feather light piece of silk in their hands suddenly seemed to weigh a thousand jin*. After reading, Grand Princess Liyang relaxed her grip and collapsed onto the pillows, burying her face in her hands.

*one catty or 500g equivalent

Xiao Jingrui clenched his jaw and picked up the piece of silk his mother threw aside, holding it in his palm as he persisted to finish reading it to its last word. Before reading, he had already known that the contents would be shocking, but after reading it thoroughly, he realized that nothing could have prepared him for what he had just read. Those words that leapt out at him froze his blood, repeatedly sending terrifying chills through him from head to toe, and each time, his heart tightened even more. After going through that heartbreaking night, Xiao Jingrui thought that nothing else could possibly shake him. But today, the truth revealed by this flimsy piece of cloth was a kind of hell that was completely different from what he had experienced. It was deeper and darker, a hell that was extremely despicable and depraved, full of blood, injustice and hate, a hell that was dark and cruel, filled with grief and indignation.

Buried in the fires of this hell were a generation’s virtuous prince, honorable marshal and 70,000 loyal souls, with the brightest and most dazzling youth of Jinling at the time, and the hopes and ideals borne by the hearts of countless people.

The soft piece of silk should have been cool to the touch, but when Xiao Jingrui clutched it tightly in his palm, it seemed to ignite into flames, flames that travelled through his meridian points into his veins, into his organs, as if they would burn him up inside.

Grand Princess Liyang, who had collapsed onto the pillows, whimpered softly, almost unable to breathe. Before her eyes, she saw again the blood of her elder sister, Jinyang, spilling on the jade steps, turning everything red, never to be washed clean.

Xiao Jingrui reached out to support his mother. Holding on to her thin shoulders, he turned her to face him. The moment their eyes met, they each understood what the other was thinking.

“You mustn’t, no….” Grand Princess Liyang grabbed hold of her son’s arm in horror, breaking out in cold sweat. “This case was personally handled by His Majesty. What can you do? What can you possibly do?”

Xiao Jingrui looked at his mother, unmoving, his gaze determined.

“Mother….I don’t know what I can do. I only know….faced with such facts, I can’t not do anything….”

Afterthought:

This chapter reinforces my belief that while the big screen can bring to life everything that is visual, there is much that is unspoken and non-visual that it just cannot do. After translating the previous chapter, I decided to watch the last few episodes of the drama, and also “read ahead” to the next few chapters. At the time, comparing the two, I decided that there wasn’t much difference between the drama and novel versions and so decided to take my own time about it. But returning to the text today, I realize that there is so much the drama wasn’t able to convey – about Princess Liyang and XJR’s pain, what they had gone through, the depth of their relationship, their horror at reading Xieyu’s letter. It just wasn’t the same in the drama. So, it was quite gratifying to actually translate this chapter and realize that there are still clear differences between the drama and the novel.