Newbie Apocalypse: Noob-Difficulty Tutorial

I woke up at noon, as always. The room was dim; thick curtains blocked out the sunlight, and the air was filled with the sweetish smell of yesterday's pizza. I crawled out from under the blanket and, reluctantly stretching out my hand, grabbed my phone. A couple of swipes, and there it was: my favorite delivery restaurant already accepting my breakfast order. Today, I chose a double cheeseburger and fries. Breakfast of champions.

While I waited for my food, I turned on my computer. It had long since become my loyal friend and companion, replacing the company of people I never particularly liked anyway. A few hours passed unnoticed as I watched videos, played games, and endlessly scrolled through social media feeds. I preferred to combine all this in one way or another.

I never understood people who could play the same game for ten hours straight. Isn't it boring? Oh, there's the doorbell. Food has arrived.

I lazily walked to the door and opened it, not even bothering to change out of my kitten pajamas. The courier gave me a strange look but handed over the bag anyway, and I immediately headed back to my computer, grabbing a drink along the way. I unpacked the burger, savoring the anticipation of its taste. Life was good. Just as it should be.

Over lunch, I remembered yesterday's problem with my headphones. One of them had stopped working, and I needed to find out why. Of course, I could buy new ones, but I was too lazy. Naturally, I found the cause: a tiny torn wire. How easily everything could be fixed with sticky duct tape! A couple of minutes, and the headphones were as good as new, albeit with a small taped-up section. I always did this. A breakdown? No problem; tape fixes everything.

Today, I needed to pay for the internet, but that didn't bother me. After all, I had money. The inheritance from my uncle came in very handy. An apartment on the edge of New York and a large sum in the bank allowed me not to worry about work or any obligations. And there was no one to scold me for being lazy, either. I enjoyed my freedom and the time spent in the company of my latest-model computer.

After lunch, I decided to have some fun. I bought a couple of new games online and started installing them. Playing the same game for a long time bored me, but switching between two was fun. While the games were downloading, I topped up my e-wallet to pay for a new streaming service subscription. Time flew by unnoticed, and I once again plunged into the virtual world, where I felt comfortable and cozy.

Evening was approaching, and I was still sitting at the computer. My games, my TV series, my internet — that was all I needed. People around me always seemed too complicated and unpredictable, but here, in my world, everything was simple and clear. I considered myself just an ordinary guy who got a bit lucky and didn't have to worry about work and other burdens of life. Thanks to the computer and games, I could be anyone and do anything without leaving home.

When night came, I still didn't feel tired. Why should I sleep when I could continue enjoying life? I ordered food again — this time a late dinner. Another pizza, this time Hawaiian with pineapples. I had grown tired of sushi last week, so I skipped it today. The courier brought the pizza quickly, and I accepted the order without turning off the game. Food on my lap, mouse in hand — the perfect evening.

I fell asleep long past midnight, tired but satisfied. Tomorrow would be another day just like this, and I couldn't wait for it to come. This was my life, and I didn't want to change anything. Why did I need a job when I had enough to live on the interest from the inheritance? Why did I need sports if I stayed thin no matter how much food I stuffed myself with? Why did I need people when I had enough communication on social media? I, Jimmy Bagel, was the king of my small but incredibly cozy world.

The next day, I woke up at the usual time. The room was in its regular semi-dark state, and I lazily stretched, thinking about which games I wanted to play and which shows to watch. I took my phone and immediately ordered breakfast. While the double cheeseburger and fries were being prepared, I headed to the computer.

Breakfast was delivered quickly, and I settled in front of the monitor again. Everything was going according to the usual routine until I decided to heat up the not-hot-enough fries in the microwave. It turned out the microwave had stopped working — the door was broken and wouldn't close. I took out my trusty sticky tape and started fixing it. A few minutes later, the door held, even if it looked ridiculous with a layer of tape wrapped around it. I felt satisfied with my work again.

After lunch, I decided to watch a new TV series. But as soon as I settled on the couch, I heard a loud crunch under my feet. It was my favorite TV remote, which seemed to have been crushed too hard. I took out the tape again and started piecing it back together. It looked a bit odd, but it worked.

"What a day of breakdowns," I muttered, scratching my head. "I hope this is the last thing that bothers me today."

However, the day went awry despite my expectations. After finishing five episodes of an intense crime drama and starting the sixth, the power in the apartment went out along with the TV. Just at the most interesting part! Hoping it was a temporary glitch, I waited, but the situation didn't improve. Taking my phone, I searched online and discovered that planned maintenance was being carried out in my neighborhood and wouldn't finish for a few hours. This was a real disaster. Without electricity, I felt lost—and incredibly hungry. Then, my phone died. Just perfect!

Reluctantly, I decided I had to leave the house to buy something to eat, as my refrigerator was almost empty. In the end, my hunger won over my reluctance to go out. Going downstairs and stepping onto the street, I immediately felt out of place. People, noise, sunlight—all of it was so unusual and irritating. I headed to the nearest fast food café, hoping to complete this unpleasant task as quickly as possible. Fortunately, shops and restaurants usually had generators and didn't stop working.

At the café entrance, I encountered a queue. The self-service terminal was out of order, and I had to join the line, which already had many people. Time passed slowly, and every person in front of me seemed unbearably slow. Finally, it was my turn.

"What would you like to order?" the cashier asked cheerfully, not even greeting me.

"A double cheeseburger and fries," I quickly replied, barely containing my irritation.

"Sauce?"

"Barbecue," I snapped, eager to be home.

"Would you like a drink? We have a special offer on..."

"No, just the burger and fries," I interrupted. I had Coke at home.

She hesitated for a moment, then continued, "Alright, your order will be ready shortly."

I took the nearest available seat, watching as the cashier relayed my order to the kitchen. A few minutes later, a waitress approached my table. "One cheeseburger and Coke."

"That's not my order." I felt my anger boiling inside me. "I ordered a double cheeseburger and fries."

"Oh, I'm sorry, we'll fix it right away." The girl noticeably tensed.

"How can you mix up orders like that?" I grumbled, drawing annoyed looks from other customers, which only pissed me off more.

"Please wait a few minutes, and we'll remake your order," the cashier tried to calm me down.

"A few minutes? I don't plan on sitting here hungry forever! Can't you do things right the first time?" My voice grew louder, and people started giving me irritated looks, which only infuriated me further.

"We truly apologize for the mistake," the waitress replied calmly. "Your order will be ready very soon."

I sighed heavily and stared at the blank screen of my dead phone, tapping my fingers impatiently on the table. After a few more minutes, the waitress finally approached me with a tray.

"Your double cheeseburger and fries. Sorry for the delay."

"Yeah, you could have been more careful," I muttered, stuffing my face with food.

On the way home, I stepped on some sharp metal that almost cut my foot. Fortunately, I stepped on it with the edge of my sneaker, so it didn't reach my foot, but it did tear the sole. Stopping, I pulled out some sticky tape from my pocket and started fixing the shoe right there on the sidewalk, ignoring the curious glances of passersby. After finishing the repair, I continued on, feeling justified in always carrying tape with me. This day was turning into one big disaster, but my wonderful tape saved me again and again, and I felt at peace knowing I could solve any problem with its help.

I entered the apartment, took off my shoes, and, disappointed that the electricity was still out, lay down on the bed. Since there was nothing else to do, I might as well take a nap during the day. However, it wasn't meant to be.

"What the...?" I muttered as I felt a strange glow surrounding me.

I stood up, trying to understand what was happening. The room around me began to blur, and I felt the ground give way beneath my feet. My eyes closed involuntarily, and when I opened them again, I found myself in a completely different place. A void filled with shimmering numbers and lines of code stretched out around me. It looked like some kind of digital world, and I felt completely lost.

"Welcome," a mechanical, genderless voice echoed, sounding both cold and mocking. "The intelligent race of your planet has been selected as recruits for the Bastion. This is the greatest privilege—you will master the ether and become soldiers who protect the Universe from destruction."

"What does this have to do with me?!" I yelled into the void.

"Before your planet is fully integrated with the Bastion System, each member of the Homo sapiens species who meets the selection criteria must complete the Tutorial and learn basic ether control. Now you need to choose a difficulty level."

I tried to figure out where I was and what was happening, but all I saw were glowing lines of code, pulsating like a living organism. "What is this place?" I asked, but my question was lost in the sea of code.

"All subsequent decisions, including difficulty levels, will directly affect the duration of your life, as well as its quality," the voice stated as if it were self-evident.

"Everything was fine with me the way it was. Can you send me back? I'd be very grateful!"

"Accept it as a fact," the voice continued, ignoring my objections. "Some of you will not survive the training, but that means their existence would have been useless to the Bastion."

"I'm very useful! Believe me! I can beat any game without problems! On easy mode, that is… Oh yes, I can also fix stuff with duct tape! I can fix your spaceship or something… probably."

Instead of an answer, a holographic panel with several options appeared before me:

Hell Difficulty: Survival Chance 0.1%, Legendary Rewards

"Skip, skip, skip!" I waved my hands in front of me as if trying to shoo away an annoying fly. "Hell, Nightmare, Very Hard difficulties? Do I look like a psycho?"

Hard Difficulty: Survival Chance 50%, Rare Rewards

"As I said, I'm just an ordinary guy—skip!"

Normal Difficulty: Survival Chance 90%, Common Rewards

"Nope, the risk is still too high..."

Easy Difficulty: Survival Chance 99%, Low-Quality Rewards

"Dude, I just want to survive for sure! One percent is still one percent. And I bet I'd be included in it…"

The mechanical voice spoke again, this time with a hint of sarcasm: "A new condition fulfilled."

Noob Difficulty Unlocked: Survival Chance 1

"I know basic math. One is one hundred, which means guaranteed survival, right? What about the rewards?"

"Survival itself is the reward," said the voice.

"Deal!"

Suddenly, I found myself on an open, deserted terrain stretching for several kilometers, filled with a multitude of diverse people scattered across the area. The sky was a light green color, illuminated by red stars and an unnaturally white sun, indicating that we were definitely not on Earth. Everyone around was wearing identical, simple gray jumpsuits, which looked almost clinically sterile against the surrounding ground.

"Welcome to the Noob Tutorial, you lazy piece of crap," the familiar artificial voice echoed in my head, clearly enjoying its role. "There are a million of you here, and only one of you worms will leave this place alive. I wish you shitty luck, and may Death be with you, chickenshit."

"You must be joking, right? Right?"

There was no response.

"Damn it, I fucking hate math..." I muttered to myself, starting to realize how much trouble I was in.

I touched my face, trying to grasp what was happening. My usual everyday clothes—a t-shirt and jeans—were gone, replaced by this nondescript jumpsuit. Feeling like a participant in some weird experiment, I looked around for any signs or instructions on what to do next.

I am definitely going to die, I thought, swallowing hard. At least a third of the people I see could easily beat me up. The rest are either women or pizza lovers who, unlike me, can't boast an incredible metabolism. Against them, I might still have a chance... maybe.

The pure white sun mercilessly beat down with its rays, illuminating the endless desert. The sound of sand crunching underfoot and the quiet whispering of voices around created a strange sense of inevitability.

The people around me looked as confused and lost as I was. They exchanged indignant glances and bewildered questions, trying to understand what was happening. Most of them were no older than thirty, although I saw an old man in the distance, around seventy years old. Suddenly, everything went quiet when an unfamiliar voice, noticeably different from the mechanical one, rang out.

"Attention, losers," a harsh male voice came from the void, drawing the attention of everyone present. "Each of you has been given an incredible chance by the System and unlocked your Unique Ability, which is directly dependent on the resonance of the ether with your soul. Soon, the first Trial will begin, during which you will be able to demonstrate who among you is the most useless. Those of you who are not completely pathetic might even survive."

The voice disappeared, leaving me standing on the deserted terrain among many others.

Looks like they don't have the friendliest attitude toward us here, I noted. At least they're not forcing us to kill each other yet, which is a plus.

While I was pondering, strange things began to happen around me. A skinny guy nearby conjured a small flame in his hand, which he twirled before him with surprise. Next to him, a pimply girl tried to dissolve into space, becoming slightly transparent, as if her body were gradually disappearing. A woman, who weighed as much as the three of us combined, suddenly rose into the air, attempting to fly, though clumsily. A bald black guy summoned a light breeze around him, swirling dust and small pebbles. I watched and wondered what cool ability I would get.

Maybe I could turn into a dragon? Or possess super strength, capable of moving mountains? Perhaps I would gain control over the elements or be able to teleport anywhere. That would be nice, yes.

My imagination ran wild as I anticipated the moment when my ability would manifest. Then finally, a message appeared before me.

**The Lord of Duct Tape**

Rarity: Unique

Rank: F (0%)

Description: Meet the Lord of Duct Tape, known to his friends as Tape-Man, the scourge of all flies and broken appliances! This ability allows the user to instantly create duct tape in their hand and control it at will. Sounds cool? No? Because it’s as useless as it sounds. At higher development levels, it might become less useless, but it's unlikely you'll live that long...

Rank F: The tape has limited length and strength, able to withstand only small loads. The tape sticks to ordinary surfaces but has no special properties. You can control its stickiness, making only one side sticky, both sides sticky, or defying its name and removing the stickiness altogether! Wow, so useful!

I felt a roll of duct tape instantly materialize in my hand. It was something strange and absurd, but at the same time, the feeling of lack of power and control over the situation made me pause.

I looked at the other participants, seeing them also examining their new abilities. Some were waving their hands, creating dust whirlwinds, while others were experiencing strange glowing effects around their bodies. They all looked equally surprised and confused.

Uncertainly moving my fingers, I watched as the roll of duct tape grew in size, then dissolved into the air, leaving only a faint sensation of adhesive strips in my palm.

I pondered my ability, unsure of what to think. In my childhood, I always carried a roll of duct tape. Its stickiness and strength saved me in various situations, from fixing broken toys to reinforcing wobbly furniture legs. But here, in this strange place, it seemed completely out of context.

"Seriously? Duct tape? What am I supposed to do with it?"

I remembered how my father laughed, calling me "a jack of all trades" because of my habit of fixing everything with duct tape. Back then, it was fun. But now, in this situation, how could it possibly help me?

Thoughts of survival swirled in my head. This time, it was for real. My life could depend on this duct tape and how I could use it. I resigned myself to the absurdity of the situation, deciding it was best to move forward, accepting what was happening as it was.

The hum of the mechanical voice faded, and the silence of the deserted terrain enveloped me once again. I slowly exhaled and looked at the horizon. I knew that the unknown lay ahead, full of challenges and unexpected turns.