My new life in Hell

(General POV)

We pan towards a large building in Imp City where we find Blitzo (the "o" is silent), Loona, Moxxie, and Millie having a boardroom meeting.

"Okay guys, I know business has been slow. I'm not blaming anyone... Moxxie," he said the last part with a whisper.

Moxxie looked at Blitzo, confused and disgusted.

"So does anyone have any bright ideas to get business rolling again?"

Millie raises her arm.

"Oh! We could do a car wash!"

"This is Hell, Millie. No one cares about cars being clean here. Oh, how about a billboard?"

"We can't afford a billboard, sir."

"Really helping, Mox. Did everyone forget what service we provide?"

[Blitzo turns on a TV that shows the I.M.P. crew brutally murdering people from the overworld as they are paid to do. Blitzo whacks a man in the face with a mallet, Moxxie is blown away firing a shotgun through the mouth of a man tied to a chair, Loona swings a man back and forth in her mouth, and Millie decapitates someone with a harpoon and laughs. Then, it zooms out to everyone watching the TV, with Loona, Millie, and Blitzo eating popcorn.]

"I always wondered why Geri doesn't join during the filming?" Millie said.

"Well, we needed a cameraman and we couldn't afford one sooo... yeah," Blitzo says.

"Besides, this ad is a reminder of the good times we spent killing."

"I don't need a reminder, sir, considering you blew half this week's budget on this ad and made it play for a full three hours on a channel nobody watches," Moxxie says.

"Um, what's wrong with a super fun jingle? It's a fun distraction from all the other boring and lame ads spewing bullshit!"

"People love musicals, sir," Millie replied to Blitzo.

"Exactly! We're basically doing a musical."

"Sir, you can't just make a jingle and call it a musical. It defeats the entire purpose of a musical, sir."

"Upupup, shut your cake hole, Moxxie, 'cause I'm not hearing it. Every time you talk, all I hear is my dad's asshole crushing my dreams!"

"Are you trying to crush his dreams, Mox?"

"What!?"

"I thought I knew you, Mox."

"I can't believe you would say that after I made you employee of the month over Geri!"

[Shows terrible photo.]

"Okay sir, I'm sorry... that a commercial jingle isn't comparable to musical theatre. No one actually likes the jingle!"

"I liked it!"

Moxxie turns to Millie.

"Do not... do not agree with him in front of me."

An ad then plays.

---

Hi there, I'm Blitzo—the O is silent!

And I'm the founder of I.M.P.!

Are you a piece of sh*t yourself sent to Hell?

Or are you an innocent soul who got f*cked over by someone else?

After lovingly klling my wife for fcking a delivery man, you can imagine my surprise when I wound up here—after the state of Ohio k*lled me!

I really wish I could stick it to that YAPPY JOGGER who saw me hiding the body!

Well, luckily for you, thanks to our company's special access to the living world...

We can help you take care of your unfinished business by taking out anyone who screwed you over when you were alive!

🎵

When you want somebody gone!

And you don't want to wait too long!

Call the Immediate M*rder Professionals!

With grenade or cyanide, we'll make it look like suicide!

The Immediate! M*rder! Professionals!

We do our job so well!

Because we come straight up from Hell!

We'll k*ll your husband or your wife—

We'll even let you keep the knife!

The Immediate! M*rder! Profession— PEW! "Ooooh!"

---

Moxxie looked horrified, shooting the child.

"Doctor, he's not responding!"

"Ooh! Water! Stat!"

Whapam!

"It didn't do anything..."

"Ugh, damn it!"

"I'm not losing another one!"

[They pull out way too many defibrillators.]

Electricity powering up

"Clear!"

Zap!

Sharp Inhale

"Holy sh*t, it actually worked..."

---

The scene changes with the trio sitting in the waiting area.

"He appears to be in stable condition, but he'll need surgery."

"Now what insurance provider do you freaks have?"

"The f*ck is insurance?"

glass breaks "Ahhhhh!"

"Ooh!" bang

Snap! "Ahhhhh!"

"Kids die for freeeeeee!"

---

"I'd like to go on the record—none of this would have happened if Loona actually gave us better information."

"Oh, sit on a dick, Moxxie."

"Well go sit on... ah... do your job!"

"Hey! We don't blame our screwups on Loona. She didn't do anything wrong."

"Are you kidding, sir?! She's awful!"

---

Scene change to Loona in an office.

cute doggo phone rings

"Hello, I.M.P."

Unintelligible fast talking

Luna slammed the phone down on Millie.

"Happy adoption anniversary, Loony!

I got you a little something."

"Is it a cure for syphilis?"

"I... oh..."

"Then I don't want it!

Ugh!

I'm sorry—it was spiders... goddammit."

Scene change.

"Um, excuse me, did you just fax me an ad for weight loss?"

"No."

"Wha...? Why—why would anyone send me this?"

"Come on. You know why."

Scene change.

"Whoever left the f*cking avocado salad in the fridge... I'm taking it because I have the worst hangover right now."

"Why would you drink on a work night?"

"I'm hungover from this morning, dumbass."

"Isn't that my lunch?"

"You know what? I can't take this asault right now!

I need to blow off some fcking steam!"

Haaaaaaaah!

Luna kicks the child into orbit. (Yeeetus deletus the feetus.)

Scene change.

"Blitzo, that clingy rich asshole is on the phone. Says it's urgent. Wants to talk to you.

He sounds a little DTF'ey."

"Oh god. It was one time!"

"If I hadn't slept with that privileged ashle, none of us would have access to the living world!"

[stares motherfckerly*]

"You what?"

Flashback.

"Got the book! Got the book!"

Grunting

"Oh... oh sh*t!"

Blitzo falls on cake.

"Sorry I f*cked your husband [:"

Back to scene.

BLITZ!!!

"I heard you alrea—"

Cuts to blitzo in his office.

"So... what can I do you for this time, Stolas?"

"There's a political candidate causing trouble up on Earth for a few of my associates.

He's trying to convince people global warming exists!"

"Doesn't it?"

"Well, yes, but more people die if nothing is done about it.

And it gets lonely here..."

"Okay, well, yeah, that makes sense..."

"You know what happens when I'm lonely, Blitzy..."

"Oh god f*cking damnit..."

"When I'm lonely, I become hungry.

And when I become hungry..."

"I want to CHOKE on that red **** of yours!

**** your *****! and lick all of your ******!

Before taking out your **** and **** with more teeth until you're screaming *********

Like a fcking baby!"

"oooooooooh!"

Snap!

Bang!

Whir!

"Eat this!" Hands Luna the phone juice.

"And then you know that bridge over the freeway?"

"Yeah?"

"Sh*t off it!"

---

"Well the point is—she's family, and we don't leave family."

"We aren't a family, sir! You are the boss. We are the employees!"

"You treat her like she's some troubled teenager! But really, she's more like a meth-addicted homeless woman you found on the street!"

"That is offensive! Without homeless people, I wouldn't have half the joy and laughter I do in this life!"

[Blitzo waves to homeless demon man.]

"While we're on the subject of family...

Can you stop finding me and Millie outside of work?"

"Come on, sweetie! It's not that big a deal!"

"Excuse me... WHAT!?"

---

Scene change to Moxxie and Millie's house.

"Honey, can you get me the butter?"

"Sure, sweetie :]"

Spoiler alert: The butter's spoiled!

"Heh heh heh!"

"What's funny, honey?"

"Really impressive wordplay..."

"What the!? Why are you in our fridge!?"

Scene changes to bedroom.

Purring/snoring

Blinkidy blink

"Whatcha dreaming about?"

"I was dreaming my parents were being mrderd...

But now... I'd like to go back to that."

Scene changes to moxxie and Millie on a date.

"Of all the Imps in Hell!

It's for [her/him] that I fell!"

"Oh Millie!"

"Are you f*cking filming us right now?!

Just—stop—doing that!"

Back to office.

"I don't see what the issue is! Is there something you don't want me seeing?"

"No!"

"You a baby wiener haver?"

"Sir!"

"What you say and how you act is totally INAPPROPRIATE!"

"Calm down, Mox. You're gonna have another panic attack!"

"I AM CALM!"

"Shhh shhh there there..."

"Look, I don't judge the boring couple stuff you do outside work hours so don't judge me!"

"Ooh I DO judge you, sir!

Quite a lot, actually!"

"Mox, he's our boss!"

"No no no, it's fine Mills. Your husband is just... how do I say this without being offensive... ret*rded."

"Does immaturely insulting me make you feel better about your sad, single life?"

"It actually does."

"The only reason you have a wife is because you're easy to manage!"

SLAM!

"No he's not, you b*tch!"

"Do not talk to my receptionist that way. She's sensitive!"

"Yes I am!"

"You guys are all f*cking assholes!"

Beep... Beep...

"Oh shut up, kid! You're lucky to witness this!"

"Ugh! This company is such a mess!"

"Alright, let's get back to talking about my outfit."

"Nobody was talking about that!"

"Which is why I'm trying to get that ball rolling. Looks good, right?"

---

"It's been a literal Hell having to pretend to be paralyzed so you fckshts wouldn't k*ll me!

But now I want that! I want death!"

"You are a selfish, greedy clown!"

"And I'm a kid! We're supposed to like clowns—even the creepy ones!"

"Hey now! That's not very—"

"If I wanted to hear from a spineless jackass, I'd rip out your spine and ask you some sh*t!"

"That's my husband you're talking to!"

Heheheheheheh!

"That's your husband?!

I figured you for a slt!

But I didn't know you needed dick THAT bad!"

"And you!"

"What? What about me?"

"Nothing.

I don't talk to dogs. I'm a cat person."

"Wow."

"You know kid, you kinda are a piece of sh*t."

Sounds of agreement

Phone rings

"Oh f*ck!

Guys, I just got a text from our client!"

"Guess he was the right target after all."

"Who?"

"Him."

"Me?"

"Yep."

"They wanted us to k*ll an actual child?"

"That's what they're saying."

"Well Christ on a stick, I guess there IS a God!"

[Blitzo shoots the kid, killing him. They all gather around the body and start kicking him.]

---

Then suddenly, the door opens revealing Geri holding boxes of pizza.

"Hey guys! What'd I miss?"

He looked and saw a dead child.

He sighed.

"I left to visit my mom and you go around killing kids?"

They all shrugged, and Geri sighed once more and placed the pizza boxes down.

He then pulled out a small bag and placed the body inside it.

---

Scene change.

They were now in the building's basement and started the dismemberment process.

The scene changes one more time and another ad begins playing.

---

"You know, folks...

With this company, I really wanted to prove that we're capable of doing the same things anyone else can.

Like k*lling people!

So from us here at the Immediate M*rder Professionals group...

We promise to settle your unfinished business or your money is gone and you're never getting it back and you can write us a bad review but we'll play dumb to it because it's Hell and no one f*cking cares.

You know, even though this kid was a target...

He's still a child. It's important that we handle this going forward... respectfully."

"Please! sob If anyone has seen my little Eddie please contact us and—Ohhh!"

"You're welcome!"

[The portal closes and they disappear.]