My Best Friend Begged Me To Steal His Heroines

Those ruby-like eyes burned a horrid, ghastly red at my words. It was simply not humanly possible to contain more hatred than what was now reflected in the gaze of the young woman before me. 

"See, that look right there? That's what I live for. It does something for me."

The hate, impossibly, turned up to a billion. "You're utterly revolting!"

I gave a smirk, despite knowing she couldn't see. "The pleasure of earning the disdain of a moderately pretty woman with an overinflated ego," I shook my head while smiling. "Oh, yes. Nothing brings such satisfaction."

I saw her gnashing her teeth. "You just wait!" She all but spat. 

"Yes, yes, I'll rue the day and some such nonsense, yes? Whatever, just get on your knees and open those legs," I replied with deliberate innuendo.

She spluttered, utterly taken aback. "This...you..." She was so angry that she became lost for words, apparently. She finally settled for a, "Don't mess with me, lecher!" She hissed. "I'm not above hanging your head in our living room!"

I looked at her with feigned disgust. "What are you talking about? You need to stretch, remember? Get your head out of the gutter, pervert." 

She narrowed her eyes at me, but I merely stared back while keeping my face held in an expression of displeasure. Well, not like she could tell what face I made either way but I feel like she could sense it nonetheless.

The girl forced out a breath of air, obviously not at all believing me but having already lost interest in our playful flirtation(?)

A few minutes later I calmly settled into a more professional mindset. My conclusion?

This girl has the flexibility of a corpse.

"Such supple-looking skin, but you move like you've been dead at least a hundred years." I sighed, feeling a touch of pity. "The body is supposed to be a temple, isn't it? You've thoroughly defiled it." 

"Shut up," Came the sour reply. 

"It is a shame for a woman to grow old without seeing the beauty and strength of which her body is capable." I went on in a slightly bastardized quote from Socrates.

"Does every word out of your mouth have to be so damn infuriating?" The corpse ground out through gritted teeth as I watched her struggle helplessly against even the simplest of stretches. "And I am not old!"

"Those crowfeet along your eyes beg to differ, " I commented drily, knowing full well no such thing existed. 

"Will you...shut up...haa....ughh...already!" She panted. A moment later, she fell back on the mat. She twitched like a dying mouse. "How insufferable," The corpse gasped for air. "Making me go through such hardships, who the hell do you think you are?"

"Your potential father-in-law," I joked mildly.

"You...!"

I ignored the dagger-like glare,  sobering once again. It was just so dang easy to mess with her.  I loved it. 

Looking down at her, I considered my options."For whatever reason, you're just so stiff. Maybe your diet, or you lay around too much. A massage would probably help loosen you up." I regarded her seriously. "Should I call my sister over to give you one?"

I earned a raised brow. "You aren't offering to give it yourself?" She looked surprised, as if expecting me to take advantage. Well, I don't blame her for having such biases. 

"I don't provide such services on a first date. But who knows, play your cards right..." 

She gave a short, mean laugh. "Ha. Are you kidding me? Date? Don't flatter yourself, rabbit-boy. Unlike some, I don't have weird animal fetishes."

"Neither do I," I snorted. "Didn't I say already? I wear this for your protection, Blueberry." I splayed my hands helplessly. "Where would we be if you accidentally fell in love with me? You'd have to fight your mother for me and blood would get all over our nice clean floors."

The blue-haired vixen rolled her eyes. "I bet you're hideous under that thing anyway. But sure, whatever helps you sleep at night." She paused, clearly annoyed. "And stop bringing up my mother!"

"Does it bother you that much?"

"Of course it does, asshole!"

A nod. "Alright, fine. I won't talk about it anymore."

She looked at me suspiciously. "Really?"

"Yeah," A shrug. "If you really dislike it then I'll stop."

"Oh..." She seemed to deflate a bit. "Well...thanks?"

I chuckled. "Yeah, it's alright. You just had such adorable reactions, I couldn't help poking at you."

"Adorable?" She wrinkled her nose in consternation. "Hey, rabbit, I've sent countless boys crying home with just a single glance. Now, I realize I'm the epitome of beauty, grace and poise. That's a given. But when I glare at you, the natural thing to do is cower in fear. Got it? Adorable is a word to describe a kitten. I'm a tigress."

"Tigers can be adorable," I countered.

She sighed, "You're impossible. Well, I give you credit for being able to talk so easily to a once-in-a-lifetime beauty like myself unflustered.  Damn playboy."

I somewhat took offense at that. "The heck? I'm not a playboy." First  Kana, now this chick. I'll allow it with Kana because I do normally look rather ostentatious, but where does this brat get off making such ridiculous statements? 

"Well, you talk exactly like one. I've had enough flies like you buzzing around before. So just so you know, whatever little tricks you try won't work on me."

"Being able to speak well constitutes as "little tricks" now? I've done nothing but argue with you for the last ten minutes, you know."

"Yes, yes, you've mastered the classic anti-seduction method. The good old turn-hate-to-love technique or whatever you pick-up artist scumbags call it," She mocked. "Congratulations. Again, won't work. I've utterly no interest in you."

"Great, don't care."

"Moving on to the push-to-pull method now, huh. How cute." Her face was devoid of emotion.

"Alright settle down now, Kaguya." I held up a hand. "Think whatever you want. Do you want me to call my sister over or what?"

"...A massage would be great, thank you." 

I nodded and walked to the other side of the room where Suzu-nee seemed to also be having trouble. She saw me approach, then looked over at the tired-looking Nao behind me.

"Her too?" She asked, the lovely would-be predator lying prone on the ground.

"By that, I assume the mom is also as limber as a dead mouse?"

Suzu-nee's silence spoke volumes. "...Massage?"

"Massage," I confirmed. "Should I fetch you some oil?"

"Please and thank you." She went on. "Both of them are going to need one--I'll handle them," She was quick to say. "You help out Amane-san."  

"Understood," I said before starting off to find the oil. Or was about to, but Suzu-nee stopped me.

"And, Saki?"

I looked back. 

"Yeah?"

She zeroed-in on my face...well, the rabbit head. Her tone was hushed but dead-serious. "Nothing happened between you and that girl, did it?" 

"Of course not," I could hear the indignation in my own voice. "We just bantered a bit. Why do always ask that?"

"Because your 'banter' is dangerous!" She huffed irritably. "Didn't I tell you to keep talking to a minimum with clients, especially young and pretty ones?"

I frowned. "Okay, I'm starting to feel a tad targeted now."

"So you're saying you didn't try to tease her?" 

"I mean a bit, yeah. I was sure she'd have some cute reactions, so I couldn't resist getting her angry a few times. But it's hardly like I was trying to flirt with her," I replied in exasperation. "I wouldn't even know how."  On purpose, if nothing else.

Plus, they'd only been here a handful of minutes, amd Suzu-nee was in the same room. How the heck could anything "happen"? What skills does this woman think I have, sheesh. Suzu-nee pinched the bridge of her nose. "Saki, you really...." She let out a breath. "Don't you understand that every word that comes out of your mouth when a woman is around can count as flirting?"

Holy shit this is getting ridiculous. "You mean a guy can't even talk to a girl now without them thinking they're flirting? Seriously?"

Tsk. Women.

Suzu-nee's right eye twitched. I sensed danger. "Saki, come to my room later before bed, okay?" She smiled prettily. 

I damn near blacked out right there and then, fuck. 

"Suzu-nee, have I mentioned today how gorgeous, benevolent and kind you are?" I immediately got down on my knees and took her hands in mine. "How your eyes shine like stars in the night sky, their wise and gentle glow a solace to all who plumb their depths? Your lips, so red and full like cherries and surely just as sweet. Your skin, fair and lustrous as pearl. Hair like threads of silk, so soft and luxurious that it makes one ache to cradle it in their hand. Truly, Suzu-nee, heaven and earth shall never again know such a compassionate soul or bear witness to such exquisite beauty. Merely being in your presence is a balm for the soul, filling my heart with warmth and tenderness. If only every day could begin and end with you." 

I stared deeply, passionately, my voice exuding unquestionable sincerity and love as I rattled off a flurry of ass-kissing bullshit.

I saw her eyes moisten. "Saki." She wiped a tear,  "This is exactly what I'm talking about!" Her tone took a harsh turn before she slapped my back painfully. I forced down a yelp.  "You damned womanizer! "

You too, Suzu-nee...? 

I stood up with a feeling of unbearable injustice blossoming in my chest. "How the hell can I be a womanizer?!" I spoke out against her vile, malicious statement. "I'm a virgin!"

"Only your body is pure. Your heart is a manwhore."

I was floored. What kind of bullshit...?

Dazed and a little hurt, I wandered off like a zombie in search of the body oil. 

Am I really...a slut?