Master of the System

“Honestly, I didn’t expect this caretaker golem to work so well,” Karta said to Vremya, who was standing beside her. The two gods were hovering in the air above the designated farm area. Chickens were clucking and strutting about in a fenced area. A mechanical octopus was walking on two of its tentacles, digging with four of its other tentacles, planting seeds with another tentacle, and watering the result with its remaining limb.

Vremya turned his attention away from the golem which was planting radish seeds. “If you didn’t expect it to work so well, why did you tell me to buy it?”

“Because it was cheap,” Karta said and rolled her eyes. “Alright, now that we’re done setting this up, it’s time to go to the meeting of the snack gods!” She waved her paw in the air, and a cellphone appeared in front of her. She swatted at it a few times. There was a pinging sound, and a portal appeared beside the two gods.

“What’s this?” Vremya asked, raising an eyebrow at the portal. “Did you contact Kosmos?”

“I used her portal app,” Karta said. “The host of the snack meeting distributed credits to all the snack gods. Basically, portal transportation is free, so there’s no reason to take the train.” She wrapped her tail around Vremya’s wrist and trotted forward. “Let’s go.”

Vremya let himself be dragged through the portal by Karta. Surprisingly, the dog’s fur was silky and soft. This was the first time he had really noticed it. Usually, contact was made through her teeth since she was always trying to bite him. Upon exiting the portal, Vremya was assaulted by high-pitched noises, causing him to grimace. Furred creatures, furred creatures everywhere. No matter how hard he looked, he couldn’t find a normal-looking god at all. A sigh nearly escaped his mouth. Perhaps furred, four-legged gods were the new normal.

“Eh-yo! It’s Karta!”

“Who’s that beside her?”

“Hmm, never seen him before. He’s probably a minor god.”

Karta glanced around the room. It was a ballroom with a large ceiling. All kinds of foods and drinks were placed in bowls that were scattered about the floor. There weren’t any tables or chairs, only cushions and blankets. “Over there,” Karta said, tugging Vremya to a corner of the room. “My friends are there.”

Vremya found it a bit surprising anyone would want to be friends with such an aggressive dog, but he didn’t question it. Although he was a bit behind the times—socially dumb, as Karta put it—he still understood social etiquette. If he wanted to talk trash about Karta, he had to do it to her face when no one else was around. As such, he planned to observe the meeting and keep his mouth shut. The stinky dog was helping him manage his system, being polite was the least he could do for her here.

Karta wet her lips with her tongue and waved at the two animals in the corner. They were both dogs. One of them was a corgi, and the other was a golden retriever. “This is Sush Kal,” Karta said, pointing at the corgi. “She’s the god of dried squid snacks.” Karta pointed at the golden retriever. “That’s Vodor; she’s the god of seaweed snacks.” She gestured towards Vremya with her head. “This is Vremya, the primordial god of time.” Her chest puffed out while saying Vremya’s name.

Vremya nodded at the two dogs, and they stared up at him in awe. At least, Vremya assumed it was awe. The two dogs’ eyes were glued to the red fanny pack covering his crotch.

“Are you serious, Karta?” Vodor asked, unable to turn her gaze away from Vremya. “You disappeared for two hundred thousand years and came back with the missing god of time?”

“The god of time?”

“God of time?”

“What about the god of time?”

Thanks to the snack gods good sense of hearing, they all picked up on the words Vodor had said. Their conversations gradually petered out, and the majority of the animals were staring at the corner Vremya was in.

“Why would a primordial god show up here?”

“Who’s that bitch wrapped around his arm?”

“Isn’t that Karta? She went missing two hundred thousand years ago.”

“Order, order!” A dog the size of a small bear barked from its place by the wall. The other animals shut their mouths and turned their heads. Vremya shifted his gaze as well, meeting the Tibetan mastiff’s glare. “Everyone knows this is a meeting of us snack gods. Everyone’s allowed to bring one friend if they want to.” The mastiff blinked at Karta. “Is he your friend?”

“No, my tail is wrapped around him for fun,” Karta said and rolled her eyes. “Obviously, I brought him here, you butt sniffers.” She bared her teeth and whirled her head towards the crowd. “And which one of you called me a bitch? Come out here and say it to my face. I’ll tear your tail off and feed it to a chicken.”

Vremya glanced at Karta’s friends. Their faces were blank as if they were used to Karta’s outbursts. He couldn’t help but wonder if he was taking the wrong approach. Was politeness not a thing amongst the newer generation of gods? Gods used to be polite with one another before the anti-violence rule was created; after all, if someone was rude to the wrong person, they might be tortured for the rest of eternity. Now that gods couldn’t hurt other gods, why was there a need to be polite? Vremya nodded, feeling as if he understood the truth of the world.

The large mastiff cleared its throat. “Welcome back, Karta. We missed you in the previous meetings.”

Karta snorted. “Y’all piss machines didn’t seem to miss me too much considering how much of my territory you ate up while I was gone.”

“You snooze, you lose,” a red Labrador retriever said.

Karta leaned over and whispered to Vremya, “Keep an eye on that mongrel over there. His name’s Yabloch, and he’s the god of apple chips. That bastard has always been nipping at my territory like a persistent itch. If you see any hint of his aura on anyone in the lower dimensions, kill them.”

Vremya blinked. “We’re allowed to kill other gods’ users? The lawbook didn’t mention that.”

“Only with your own user,” Karta said. “The book obviously won’t include it since it’s a loophole.”

“There must be a lot of dead users between the two of you, huh?”

“What? Of course not.” Karta sneered at Vremya. “Do you know how expensive it is to start over from scratch? All the snack gods made an alliance with each other.”

Vremya scratched his head. Karta wasn’t allowed to kill snack gods’ users, but he was allowed to kill them for her. Was this another so-called loophole? When he returned home, he’d have to Poiskle a book of loopholes. He’d be at a serious disadvantage if he didn’t know them all.

***

In the outer reaches of space where only darkness could be seen, shadows squirmed about. Monstrous figures with spikes, teeth, claws, and tentacles fought one another. All of them were pitch-black, blending in with the darkness of space. If it weren’t for the occasional glow coming from an exposed, pulsating heart, it would’ve been impossible to see them slaughtering each other.

There was a ripple, and an even darker shade of black appeared, covering the region of strife. “Stop eating,” a deep voice said. “The turncoat … brought news.”

The region of space stopped squirming.

“We go … to feast … on snacks.”