Madness of Regret

Patience is the ability to endure with grace. 

And there is no grace in a man who is half naked, and wet because of some water splashing unless you are rich or extremely attractive.

And I was none of them. So as ungracefully as it could get, before I could turn around I got hit with another wave.

Luckily, I was able to catch all my stuff before the water took it away. 

Now the whale in the room. I wore my shirt as I looked at the one who knows nothing but to irritate me. The fucking whale. Well, a small kid whale. 

It blew a geyser like it was happy to see me and some tail slap on the water but luckily in the opposite direction this time. I don't think I have the body to tackle that much of a force.

And would you look at that the little bogger is getting more excited because I glanced at it. How do I know? Because I got a free shower from its geyser. Nothing like a shower from a water blowing hole while being stranded in the middle of nowhere.

If I survive, discovery should make another man vs wild with me as the host. I got a kid whale blowing water all above me and stirring waves acting all mischievous while I am hanging on for dear life.

Sounds like early age parenthood.

I really wish I had some Chicago or Detroit in me. I could pull out a gun from my ass and none would find it weird. Heck I could pull out an arsenal and go whale hunting.

Another shower. Just fucking great. 

A kid being a kid and me the adult can't even complain about this stuff to his parents. Yea, like a whale pod would listen to me criticize their young. 

Fuck a whale pod. A whale kid is always cared by the pod, especially by it's mother. So she and the whole pod are near and coming to me. 

Lo and fucking behold. My raft met an even bigger wave than the kid could ever do. And I knew exactly who were the culprit. I could see them swimming in a row in sync and it made it remember about the killers of the ocean.

Killer whale. Orcas and the famous wave-hunting. Yea, I am cooked, aren't I chat?

They are getting near and they are getting near fast. I wore my shoes as fast as I could. Thank god, I just slip in and out of the shoes without tying or untying my laces. But to be extra sure that the shoes don't get lost, I pulled the laces tightening the shoes and tucked the laces inside the shoes.

And another big wave hit my raft causing me to bounce and land on my hip. Fucking hell. I am gonna need another hip if I fell like that again. 

I looked at the pod. They were getting closer and I was so tiny compared to them swimming in sync. The kid whale was blowing water out of its geyser and having fun at the side while I hang on for dear life. How much water does this kid have to squirt out so many times?

My hip aside I need some anchor, something to hold onto for dear life. I could hold onto the raft on the opposite side of the wave but I have a feeling I would feel that for my whole life. Rather get whipped from the handle of the whip than the cracker. 

So I did. I held onto the wood in the direction of the wave and damn all my muscles cause I held onto it so tight that I was bleeding from my fingertips and I could feel my muscles in my hand tear once more. I angled myself as straight as I could. I didn't want to show more surface area to face more pressure.

And then it came. 

I felt it in so many ways that I wasn't even able to focus. My head got hit with by the wave while the raft started to rise. The raft rose higher and higher. And then it broke the wave. I greedily took in large gulps of breath as it did. 

And then bam! The looney toon fall once more. I could feel my ribs handling the pressure as hard as they could and then crack. My mouth started to fill up not only with liquids but also something solid. Chances are high they came from my chest.

I looked with murky eyes to see the pods not done with their wave hunting. They were swimming and they were swimming fast as they reached my raft. I knew this was a live or die moment. 

All the whales ducked under the raft a few meter away creating a fucking huge wave and make no mistake it was huge and powerful than the previous wave. 

I didn't even had the time to duck my head before the wave gave me a whiplash. My fingers were slipping from both the pressure and the force. While the raft went up and up faster than I can process and then a perfect 270 as it plunged me deep into the dark blue ocean. 

All the air in my lungs came out in a instant. Even before the air emptied out water gushed in me filing every crank and hook it could find. I could feel it as I got filled with water, chunks of my organs escaping my body through every single way it could find. My mouth, my nose, my chest. And I started to feel less and less of it for every second that passed by.

I could feel my nerves responding but no pain. It just felt numb. I thought, commanded, tried to move my arms and legs. I tried to move like them like a drowning man having a reason to live. I tried and I tried. They didn't move.

Nothing worked.

Only my eyes, murky in the seawater took in the sights. Not even my eyelids closed nor did my eyeball move. It just stayed fixed at the mercy of the waters. I could see the raft above me trying to stabilize with the waves. I could see the sunlight penetrating the light blue surface. I could see the kid whale swimming above me blocking me from the sunlight. 

He swam near me. I could see his eye. How big and the way it looked at me reminded me of a kid asking for forgiveness. If it weren't for the fact that it was a whale, I would have thought it or rather he could understand me. 

Then the kid nudged me as I sank. I got flipped slowly. I could see the bigger whales, the mommy and daddy whales, make a circle around me. I was always thought whales helped humans if they didn't accidentally killed them. But seeing the bigger parent whales circling around me like a cult worshiping a ancient demon, I felt inclined to believe they might not be the same type of whales I knew from Animal Planet or National Geography.

Then I got flipped like a burger patty. I am starting to hate kids. My body stopped its reflex breathing. My mind made sure I stopped struggling. My body made sure I didn't send signals to move my arms and legs. Was it death, I saw or was it something else. I don't know and maybe I didn't care. Even my body stopped caring. All that ever worked were my eyes. I could see and that was all that I could do.

My eyes staring right at the dark blues. I could see no flashbacks of my life. They say in death, you see life flash by, time slowed to a still yet I couldn't; maybe my life had no memorable part to it. It was sad indeed to not even see life as flashback even in death. All I saw and stared at was the deep, dark blue. 

At first, the dark blues seemed indifferent, an endless expanse that neither welcomed nor rejected me. But as I sank deeper, the subtle nuances began to emerge. The way the light fractured and danced across the surface, piercing through the depths in gentle ribbons, captivated me. It wasn't just a color; it was a symphony of motion and stillness, of shadows and brilliance, of something alive yet ungraspable.

Each moment drew me closer to understanding. The water's embrace was neither warm nor cold, but it cradled me with an undeniable presence, as if whispering secrets only I could hear. I felt no fear, no urgency. Instead, I felt a pull—not the force of gravity, but something deeper, an invitation I couldn't resist.

And Oo! How magnificent she was. I couldn't feel the underwater current nor the sinking temperature, all I felt was desire. 

The one thing, the one place I ever felt worth desiring for. The waters and all of its blues. The lights and the darkness in it. The wave and the its restless daughters in it. The risks and the rewards from it. The deep and the unfathomable of it. My freedom and constraints from it. My choices and decisions for it. My lust, greed and envy for you. My pride for and from you. My life and death from you. 

If you my beloved dictate my fate, paint my story with hues of longing so vivid they set the edges of our tales ablaze; let each word, chapter drip with honeyed agony of wanting you so fiercely that the very stars above tremble in envy. If I must fall, let it be into the abyss of your gaze.

If I must rise, let it be because your name is etched into my soul- eternal, unshaken.

Shape my trials with the fire of your will, my joys with the nectar of your laughter and my sorrows with the ashes of tears we never let fall. Bind me to you, my beloved, in a story so fierce and unyielding that even the ink of eternity cannot erase its truth. Add more to my fate- not as a distant creator but as a writer maddened by devotion, her quill tearing across parchment, desperate to immortalize every glance, every whispered word of our love. 

My mother always told me I had a way with words just not in society. My friends told me I was a good writer. I imagined writing poems for her, imagining every beginning and the end with her. I imagined it as all a writer, a man seeking love, a depressed youth and as a dreamer. Funny that I never was a dreamer till I was one. 

So one last poem to you my desire, my beloved before I lay in the eternal silence of you, rest in your eternal embrace. 

Restless water, wild and fierce and free,

Oh! how I can't help but think you belong to me.

Your eyes the tides, your voice my roaring heart,

A driftwood afloat with a lover's chart.

I long to hold you, pull you to my chest,

To love your storms, more than words attest.

A heartbeat echoing through a fractured thread,

Your actions silent, yours word unsaid.

But you are vast, too wild to be confined,

A force of nature, free, untamed, unkind.

And yet I yearn, though I know it's in vain,

To dance with your chaos, to revel in your rain.

I love you, yes, but love turns greed in time,

To claim your freedom would shatter your design. 

So here I stand, consumed and torn apart, 

Held by what I can't possess—but still call my heart.

With trembling hands and a soul laid bare, 

I surrender myself to the waters, unaware. 

Let my story end where it once began, 

With you—the tempest, the calm, the span.

For in the depths of your embrace, I find my truth: 

That love is not possession, but the courage to lose. 

To dissolve into the vastness of you, and in doing so, 

Become eternal—a whisper in the undertow.

Let this verse be my gift to thee, 

A cradle of longing, my heart's decree. 

Hope it doth carry, like tides to the shore, 

A testament bound to thy name evermore.

Choices lie shattered, their paths now undone, 

As finality reigns 'neath the setting sun. 

Thy chaos unveiled, a tempest untamed, 

Laid bare for the wicked, their souls unashamed.

Yet wicked am I not, to bear such claim; 

Only to bind thee to mine in love's name. 

For thy storms, though fierce, my soul doth embrace, 

Finding solace amidst thy wild, boundless grace.

Take this, my offering, tender yet vast, 

A song for the future, a hymn for the past. 

Though unworthy I be, in thy presence I stay, 

Forever to cherish, in chaos or fray.