MADMAN APOCALYPSE

Time remaining:

5.33361872E-6 millennium

Kills remaining:

21

I’d been walking around for what felt like hours, without encountering anyone else. I’d gone through one of the hallways that branched from the large chimney, but it had led to a maze that I was now stuck in, with no clue on how to get out.

Eventually I just sat down on the floor and waited for someone else to come around the corner or for a gunshot to alert me of people fighting nearby.

“Inventory,” I said, bringing up the screen with a grid full of junk.

I looked through it and then pulled three items out that seemed to just take up space. The Pacifier, Party Hat, and ‘Fingerless’ Socks all appeared in my lap. Taking the Party Hat in my hands, I felt how it was identical to those cheap ones they sometimes sold in the greeting card / party area of big chain stores. I couldn’t imagine a party with such cheap shit actually being much fun for anyone involved, but, then again, children often didn’t seem to care about luxury.

I let out a yawn, realizing I hadn’t really slept much since this whole mess began, only catching a few hours in Normann’s shop before the Humanbus woke me up.

“Inspect,” I said, while holding the hat in my hands, ready to tear it into pieces as soon as it was revealed to be one of those meaningless rewards the system liked to hand out frivolously or often spitefully.

‘Party Hat’ x

Obtained by escaping from Bungo’s Playroom. For your inner child who never wants to let the party end.

Putting on this hat will allow you to unlock the abilities hidden within.

I bet you thought this was just a worthless reward. Well, joke’s on you. You’ve been carrying this around without a clue for a while now. As a matter of fact, only one person in the group you were in has actually used this item. May this teach you to always investigate anything you find.

Weight: 0.4 Pandas

“Are you fucking kidding me!?” I yelled, my voice echoing off the strangely-smooth organically-flowing stone walls.

“I feel like they’re trying to give you an OCD to check all items.”

I let out a deep sigh, before pulling the tight plastic string down under my chin and setting the Party Hat on my head.

Choose your reward! x

You can keep the hat on.

It’s not a requirement, but it makes you look pretty dumb, which is always a plus in our opinion.

Pick one of the options:

‘Dungeon…’ | ‘Party Never Ends’ | ‘Birthday Gift’

I immediately pulled the hat off of my head, at which point it burst into soap bubbles that floated to the ceiling above where they popped and released a foul smell of rotten eggs.

“That’s vile,” I said with a groan, pinching my nose, while tapping the rewards on offer:

‘Dungeon…’ x

Ability

The second half of this ability seems to be missing, though it can still be utilized in this state.

While inside a Dungeon, using this ability will create a map of your surroundings that updates as you move and shows Points-of-Interests, Enemies, and Players.

Duration: 1 minute

Cooldown: 2 hours

‘Party Never Ends’ x

Passive

You are now permanently the Birthday Boy.

Anyone who sees you feels compelled to celebrate your birthday. Results may vary, but hopefully you enjoy hearing “Happy Birthday to you!” being sung ad nauseam.

‘Birthday Gift’ x

Ability

Do you remember the sadness of wishing for a gift on your birthday, only for Aunt Samantha to give you something crappy, like an off-brand Action Figure?

Well fret not!

This ability allows you to create a gift containing the exact thing you want (restrictions apply and we can’t deliver anything not in our warehouse)

Cooldown: 24 hours

“This is a dilemma,” I said. “Depending on the limits ‘Birthday Gift’ might be the best option here.”

“Dungeon… seems like it’ll work together with …Break, plus it’s a reconnaissance ability, which you don’t have,” Panda advised.

“Hate to side with a Cricket, but first option’ll letcha see people, who you can stab! It’d be sick as.”

“My name’s Pandamonium,” the plushie said to Brock, but it was clear he didn’t give a shit about names.

I looked down at the shortsword. “I wonder if other Player’s weapons talk. And if so, do they also have confusing accents?”

Since both of my inanimate objects were advising me to take the ‘Dungeon…’ ability, that’s what I did.

As soon as I had unlocked it, I said, “Dungeon…Break.”

ERROR!

This ability is on cooldown.

Time left:

35,339,798,211 μs

“I have no idea what that says…”

“Roughly 10 hours left on the cooldown,” Panda answered, as though he was a math savant. “It’s in microseconds.”

“Seems it’s using the cooldown of the Break… ability.”

ERROR!

This ability is on cooldown.

Time left:

35,331,223,879 μs

“I wonder what it does,” Panda muttered.

“Hopefully it allows me to literally break out. I could go kill the Announcer if that was the case.”

“And find Bee,” he added. “She might be here, even if she wasn’t in the audience.”

I nodded. “Guess I’ll have to survive 10 more hours then. I can do that.”

“Check the rest of the items.”

“…Sure.”

I lifted the Pacifier and inspected it:

‘Pacifier’ x

“Gu-gu ga-ga, I’m a thirty-six-year-old baby.”

At last, you can indulge in your autonepiophilia. Suckling on this pacifier lowers your Insanity Gauge by 1% for every 5 minutes.

Weight: 0.35 Pandas

I got to my feet and then flung the item as far away from me as I could, before stooping to pick up the socks.

‘Fingerless Socks’ x

For those hot summer days where you want to wear your socks-and-sandals, but still get some air to your little piggies.

Weight: 0.4 Pandas

I gritted my teeth in annoyance, but eventually put the socks back into my inventory, since they might work as a bandage in a pinch.

“Alright, let’s try out this mapping ability,” I started, before uttering the name, “Dungeon…”

“Gambit, I’m pretty sure you don’t have to say ‘dot-dot-dot’.”

ACTIVATING DUNGEON MAP

Nearest Player: 235 yards

Nearest Enemy: 78 yards

Nearest Boss: N/A

Nearest Exit: N/A

In the air in front of me appeared a holographic 2.5D map with flickering blue lines indicating walls, a green dot indicating me, a red dot not too far away indicating an enemy, and another two red dots next to that, with a golden-yellow dot some distance further away. Most importantly, the map showed me how to get out of the maze I was stuck in.

“Those red dots must be the Ambushers that the Announcer mentioned,” Panda guessed.

“Let’s stab ‘em!!” yelled Brock.