Lost

The sorrow in his voice made me forget everything I was about to say. It felt like there was so much I wanted to talk about, but it wasn’t something that could be resolved in a day, and we had plenty of time, so there was no rush.“I wasn’t hanging out with them; I was helping them.”“But you didn’t even react when they held your hand.”“If you hated it so much, why didn’t you come help me?”“At that time…”“You sure are good at swearing.”“What?”Jung Woojin’s eyes widened at my words. I hadn’t meant to bring it up now, but when he mentioned that time, it just popped into my head.“You were also great at speaking casually. You might as well drop the honorifics now.”“…”“You were cussing, calling me names, all that.”“…”At the time, I didn’t fully register it because of the situation, but thinking back, it had felt oddly natural. The swearing, the casual speech… Maybe he had been using casual speech in his head all along. It wouldn’t be surprising.Watching him look away like someone whose secret had just been discovered, I said, “You don’t need to use honorifics. I’ve told you before, you don’t need to call me Sunbae anymore.”“…”“When you were younger, you used casual speech with me and called me ‘hyung’.”“…”I wasn’t scolding him; I meant it sincerely. But Jung Woojin stayed silent, as if his mouth was glued shut. Now that I thought about it, there was no reason for him to use honorifics with me anymore. I’d just gotten used to hearing it and never thought it was strange until now. We weren’t school seniors and juniors anymore.“Try speaking casually.”“Why do you always make me do strange things, Sunbae?”Finally, Jung Woojin broke his silence, speaking in a voice full of complaint. I asked, incredulous, “What do you mean?”“You tell me to call you by your name, to speak casually.”“And?”“It’s all just weird stuff.”I couldn’t believe it. Anyone would think I was asking him to do something outrageous.“What’s weird about that?”“Wouldn’t it be weirder if you asked me to… you know… suck you off or something?”“This guy is crazy.”I was dumbfounded by his muttering, and Jung Woojin frowned at my immediate response.“That would be way weirder, don’t you think?”“What’s so weird about that?”“Do you really think it makes more sense to say ‘call me by my name’ than to say ‘suck me off’?”“Then, can I suck you off?”“…”I fell silent, stunned by the completely unrelated question. I stared at him in disbelief as he looked at me with a pitiful expression.“Why are you bringing that up all of a sudden?”“Well, Sunbae said something strange out of nowhere too.”“How is what I said strange?”“Then how is asking if I can suck you off strange?”Does he think just saying something makes it a conversation? I was too stunned to respond. At this point, I wondered if he was just refusing to use my name on purpose.“Is it that hard to speak casually?”“It’s not that… it’s just so sudden.”“Then try it slowly. Just once or twice a day.”“Then can I slowly suck you off once or twice a day?”“Seriously, screw it. Don’t talk casually, don’t call me by my name!”Frustrated, I yelled and pushed him away, but Jung Woojin reached out and clung to me. As I tried to get up and leave the kitchen, he wrapped his arms around my waist and followed me. I struggled to shake him off.“Let go already!”“No.”“And look at this place! What did you do to the house in just one day? It’s a mess!”“You left.”“You told me to leave!”Looking around at the utterly trashed living room, I wondered if this was even a livable house. It was like a pigsty, but worse.“You’re going to throw away the business card, right?”“Oh, for the love of… that damn business card again…”“I love you.”Another sudden confession stopped me in my tracks. I turned my head, trying to pry his arms off, but I couldn’t see his face since he was glued to my back like gum.“And thank you.”“For what?”“For not abandoning me and running away.”“Why would I run away?”I laughed at the absurdity, and Jung Woojin rubbed his forehead against my shoulder. Far from running away or abandoning him, I had even thought about locking him in the house, afraid someone would take him from me while he had amnesia. I’d considered selling my house and car to see if I could afford to take care of him. Of course, I knew one pair of handcuffs wouldn’t be enough to keep him locked up.“Even if you tell me to leave now, I won’t go.”“If I ever do that again, feel free to hit me.”“I will.”“You can even break my arms and legs.”Frowning at the extreme statement, I asked, “If I told you to leave, would you break my arms and legs?”“Are you crazy?”At my question, Jung Woojin quickly lifted his head, his face serious, as if he didn’t remember what he had just said a few seconds ago.“How could I do something like that?”“Then why did you suggest I should?”“It hurts when you get injured.”“And you don’t feel pain?”Jung Woojin opened his mouth to respond, then closed it again. Watching him, I sighed and spoke.“I can put up with a lot of things, but this is one thing I just can’t.”I turned to face Jung Woojin as I said this. Seeing the serious expression on my face, he looked uneasy.“I’m sorry.”His words came out reflexively, and I covered my face with my hand. After a moment, I opened my eyes to see him staring at me, looking like he might cry if I so much as touched him.“Didn’t I tell you not to get hurt?”“…”“Why do you treat your body so recklessly? Are you some kind of immortal? A machine? Do you think you can just fix yourself if you break?”“…”No matter how many times I told him, this was one of the things that never changed. I could tolerate him crying, being jealous, or being overly clingy, but this—this was something I couldn’t just ignore. After a long, uncomfortable silence, I walked over to the bedroom. The bed frame was completely destroyed, as if someone had smashed it with a hammer.“I told you not to leave, but you left.”Jung Woojin’s voice was small, almost like a whisper. Hearing him say that, I realized he had a point. What good would it do to scold someone who had hurt their hand and missed their meal? I suddenly felt like it wouldn’t solve anything.I sighed, looking at the broken pieces, and Jung Woojin spoke again.“Should we buy a new one tomorrow? Or… should we go to a hotel? The one Sunbae went to?”I frowned at his words.“Why would we go there? I’m never going back to that place.”Just thinking about the sleepless night I spent there was dreadful.I sat Jung Woojin down on the bed and brought the first aid kit. As I cleaned his wounds and disinfected them, I noticed scars on his hands, places where the skin had healed but left raised marks. The wounds had healed over time, but the scars remained.Next time, if I told him not to do this, he would probably say he understood. But no one would believe him. Thinking about it, this time really was because of me, which only made me feel worse. If that phone call hadn’t come, I wouldn’t have rushed out so urgently.“Are you mad?”I was applying ointment and bandaging his wounds when he asked me, his face looking like he was about to cry. I glanced up at him and said,“I’ll help you wash later, after we eat.”“What?”“It’s hard to wash with your hand hurt, isn’t it?”“…”He frowned but didn’t respond. When I looked up in confusion, I saw him staring at me, wide-eyed, like a startled rabbit.“Really?”“Not if you don’t want me to.”“No, I don’t mind. But… can I hurt my hand again while cooking later?”I clenched my teeth, staring at him as he said this with a voice full of emotion. I couldn’t understand where all my words were going.“Should I just cut off your hands so you can’t ever wash by yourself again?”“Then will you wash me forever?”“…”I threw the bandage I was holding and stood up.“Sunbae!”Damn it, I should just stop talking altogether.＊ ＊ ＊I finally managed to get Jung Woojin to sit in a chair instead of cooking, and we ate something simple. The house was a mess, and the kitchen was in chaos, but I had no energy to clean it. Should I just leave after washing up? I thought about it for a moment but decided to wash up first.I had only intended to help him wash, but before I knew it, we were both in the bathtub. I leaned back against the wall, watching as Jung Woojin lowered his hand into the water.“Hey, don’t put your hand in—”It was already too late. He had reached into the water and pulled my ankle, dragging me closer until our shoulders touched. His face was now right in front of mine.“Why are you sitting so far away?”Even though I had put a waterproof bandage on his hand, it must still hurt from the bruising and swelling, but he didn’t show it.“Doesn’t your hand hurt?”“It hurts like hell.”“Then why pull it into the water? You could’ve just asked me to move closer.”I pulled his hand out of the water. Should I wrap it in a towel? I was seriously considering it when Jung Woojin rested his forehead on my shoulder. He rubbed it against my wet skin, then brushed his lips against me. It was obvious what he wanted, so I pushed him away.“We’re not doing anything until your hand heals.”“What?”“Yeah, that’s what we’ll do from now on.”I looked at him as if I’d just had a sudden realization, and he blinked at me, dazed.“From now on, you’re not doing anything until your wounds are fully healed.”“What do you mean, ‘not doing anything’?”“Wow, now you’re speaking casually, huh? When I told you to speak that way before, you didn’t.”I couldn’t help but laugh at his astonished expression. When I laughed, Jung Woojin’s face became urgent.“How is that fair?”“If you don’t get hurt, then it won’t be a problem.”“How can a person live without getting hurt?”“Well, maybe not, but you don’t get hurt every day, do you?”His face was so serious that I couldn’t stop laughing. He clearly didn’t like my laughter because he looked at me like I had betrayed him.“Do you find this funny right now?”“Yeah.”At my words, Jung Woojin slapped the water with a disgruntled expression. Water splashed everywhere, and I couldn’t help but burst out laughing.“You’re such a liar.”“How am I a liar?”“You said you’d help me wash up.”Anyone would think there was some other meaning behind that. I couldn’t even speak from laughing so much, then I asked,“So, are you not going to work anymore?”“……”“Huh?”“……”It was funny how he didn’t respond and just stared at me, as if he was protesting, so I laughed again for a while.“Woojin, are you not going to work anymore?”I finally managed to stop laughing and asked again, and Jung Woojin replied half-heartedly.“I don’t know.”His short response almost made me laugh again, but I held it in because if I kept laughing, I felt like I’d really lose it. I cleared my throat a couple of times and spoke.“If you’re not going to work, do you want to visit that island?”“Island?”The expression that had been grumpy suddenly turned puzzled.“The one near Jeju Island.”“……”Jung Woojin’s eyes widened at my words. It was understandable since we hadn’t been back there or even talked about it since we left that place.“You said you bought it. So, there’s no one there, right?”“Well, yeah, but…”“You don’t have to give me a house or a car, but can you give me that island?”“What?”I didn’t need a house, and I definitely didn’t need a car that I wouldn’t drive. Jung Woojin blinked at me in surprise, his face looking bewildered, then said,“Why all of a sudden?”“Are you giving it to me or not?”“Of course, if you ask for it, I’ll give it to you… But why the island all of a sudden? Do you like real estate or something?”Who doesn’t like cash? Obviously, cash is good, buildings are good, all real estate is good, but the problem with Jung Woojin was always that he overdid things. It wasn’t something I needed right away, so I was indifferent, but now the situation was different.Since I didn’t say anything, Jung Woojin asked again,“Why the island?”“So I can lock you up there if you ever throw a fit and kick me out of the house again.”At my words, Jung Woojin fell silent. He blinked a couple of times, as if he didn’t understand, and then his expression gradually turned horrified.“Seriously?”Jung Woojin, who couldn’t believe what he was hearing, suddenly stood up. I frowned as water splashed, and he covered his mouth with his hands, which were covered in waterproof bandages, before sitting back down right in front of me.“Sunbae, leave the house now.”“……”“Get out, right now. Hurry.”“……”My head started to hurt as I watched him frantically grab my shoulders and speak urgently. How did I end up falling for someone like this, who doesn’t seem to have a single sensible bone in his body? Suddenly, I began to question my life choices.“Should I buy a boat for you?”“I don’t need a boat.”“But you’ll need one to go back and forth, won’t you?”“I said, I don’t need it…”“Are you going tomorrow?”He was already too excited for me to calm him down.“We can even go today.”“I said, forget it. Damn it, I don’t even need the island.”“Why? Why don’t you need it?”Seeing the sudden look of deep despair on his face made me feel tired. I knew in my head that this was just how Jung Woojin was, but seeing it and experiencing it firsthand was another thing.But now, it didn’t seem all that strange anymore. It was true that I was tired, but it was more bearable than when I first met him. Maybe I was getting used to it, or maybe I liked him more than before, and something was blinding me. I wasn’t sure.“Should I look for another island, one that’s more isolated?”Watching him chatter on excitedly, I realized how unbelievably cute he was, and that made me realize just how serious the situation was. It wasn’t just about Jung Woojin.“Should we tear down the house and build a new one?”I really must have lost my mind, too.“Jung Woojin.”“Isn’t that house too small?”“I love you.”The constant chatter stopped. The expression on his flushed face slowly disappeared. Everything went silent, as if time had stopped. Jung Woojin, who had been staring at me without blinking, lowered his head. I could see water droplets falling from his wet hair.Thinking he was going to cry again, I reached out my hand. After a while, he lifted his head, and through the misty steam, I saw his face. I thought he was crying, but he was smiling.“Me too.”At this point, nothing else mattered. It would be fine even if things stayed the same forever, even if they didn’t get any better, no matter what he did. I couldn’t help but love this kind of Jung Woojin.“I love you, too.”In the end, we will live happily ever after, like the ending of a fairytale.