Lord of the Rings a Strong Gollums tale

Gandalf was not brave, he never was, and many of times he had demonstrated this and told of this to Manwë. But to this Manwë the wise Lord of the Valar had merely said.

"And that is exactly why you must go, and help the people of Middle-earth face Sauron."

But Gandalf still, even after one thousand and four hundred and sixty three years later knew not what Manwë had meant by these words of his. How was his cowardly nature, and absolute fear of Sauron of any help here?

So after arriving in Middle-earth he, along with Radagast the Lisping, Hunchbacked, small, lunatic wizard, had stayed within the west. For they did not dare go further in search of Sauron and face his wrath.

For long they had then wandered around from town to town, and bar to bar, doing all sorts of jobs to get by and explore the world. Although eventually Radagast found some cute bunnies in the forests close to Mirkwood and there he then stayed, with his bunnies.

While he himself kept on wondering around the land, eventually becoming quite a fine singer and teller of tales old and long. Of course he was also quite good at cleaning tables, serving beer and taking orders as well, plus gambling. Although he still somehow found himself many of time in debt back then.

But luckily in the year 1635 his luck changed for the better with the coming of the great plague. Most of Middle-earth was consumed within its sickness. The sickness was terrible unlike any before, for it affected people's minds, causing them to dance till their deaths, and so it came to be known as the Great Dancing Sickness.

Many didn't even dance all that well before their deaths, which brought their relatives great shame. So for many this time was full of shame, misery and death, many farmsteads, villages and even cities danced like never before, even babies danced and died, and so many places then became barren for ever forth after that.

However within the miserable dancing days Gandalf had found a great opportunity. For he had come upon the, simple minded, short, weak, generous and surprisingly trusting people of the Shire. There he thought that finally he had found an easy people that even he, a coward could take over and make his own. Here he would rule and become a God defended from the scary things of the world outside by his little Hobbit followers.

So within that same year, guided by Gandalf, the sick and mostly poorly dancing Hobbit's were quickly rounded up into a large pit, where they danced, and were then pelleted with sticks and nuts, and then burned in a great fire.

Like so the leadership of the shire was also accidentally, by the order of Gandalf burned away with the sickness as well. So he, Gandalf with a simple vote of no confidence became the Mayor, destroyed the political structure of the Shire and in the name of peace, security and freedom named himself then God King of the Hobbit's.

And so he became the little folks God and King. And within them his cowardly nature found safety, not being intimidated by their short statures or hairy feet at all, not in the least.

In fact he found happiness in bullying them from time to time if anything. He would shove them to the ground, supposedly by accident, trip them or just use their shirts as his handkerchiefs whenever he needed to sneeze.

Although he didn't tease them too much as they were no fun. For all of them were more than happy to offer their shirts to be used as his handkerchiefs, or to be spat on by him seemed like an honour for them. For he was their God, and whatever he did, or whoever he bullied was seen as something holy.

"Thank you, God King Gandalf, please come take my monthly salary whenever you wish, or throw soup in my face. It's a great honour as always to be noticed by your eyes that are higher like no Hobbit's eyes have ever been. And please use my sister if you wish, she doesn't mind."

This they would say and so much more if he ever rudely entered their little homes, took a shower within their bathrooms or didn't wash his hands before eating, and so he quickly got sick of all of it.

Luckily he found pleasure in other things, for instance years after those early days within the Shire, the Great Kingdom of Arnor had fallen, which was quite exciting to see. For only then did he truly manage to crown himself publicly as the God King and then declare the Shire to be reorganized into the first independent Hobbit Kingdom of only Hobbit's, and him of course as their God King.

From there many countless years of prosperity mixed in with more work and breeding than ever before came to the Shire. For while other lesser creatures such as the men, Orcs, Elves and Dwarves faded away from the lands around the Shire leaving them barren, his little people didn't. His Hobbit's in fact merely grew in numbers, And so Gandalf took this opportunity and led his little people to great leaps of expansion and more prosperity.

And soon the society of the Shire began to change greatly to meet the needs of the ever expanding Kingdom and growing population.

In the south of the shire, the darker skinned, more hairy and unintelligent Stoor Hobbit's were made to slave away on the mighty cotton fields of the Hornblower's. Led by Lord Toby the cruel, the white Hornblower family held the south under an iron grip, or chains most of the time.

And for their cruelty and enslavement of the savage Stoor Hobbit's, they managed to build a mighty textile business empire.

From all walks of life within the Shire and even beyond in Gondor and so on, people liked to wear the clothes of the Hornblower's and sleep under blankets made by them, and the blood of the Stoor Hobbit's. So the Hornblower's became the third wealthiest family within the Kingdom of the Shire.

In the west of the Shire ruled the Brandybuck family, led by Lord Doradoc Brandybuck, the family became famous for their beers and especially their wine and wine covered bread. Though not rich like the South, their wine making lives were much easier than most within the Shire.

In the East of the Shire then were the Bolgers, led by Lord Gundopho of Eastfarning. Their family was the poorest of the shires noble families, for they were dumb, and mainly focused on primitive things like hunting within the wilds and herding animals in open pastures, and growing feed without alchemy, because they didn't see industrialization as good for the environment or something.

However thanks to their famous Pipe Weed, they did manage to compete quite well with the Brandybucks, but it seemed liquor was more to people's taste than smoking and eating large quantities of salted pork. Still Gandalf did like their weed, and so he let them be green or whatever they liked to call themselves.

Then within the Centre of the Shire, the so-called heartland of the Kingdom was the great banking family of the greedy Tooks, that were the richest of all the other Hobbit's. There great loans of gold were taken far and wide, even by the warmongering Dunlendings in secret, and also given to their enemies the Rohirim at the same time.

Truly they were smart and they even managed to sell shit weapons for the savage tribes of men at a good price as well.

Like this and through bribes they started conflicts amongst those savages and armed them at the same time. All sides in all wars were on their list of customers and they lived for the thrill of it.

Still they did not have the biggest of castles within the shire, as they were always overlooked by the mighty castle of their God King Gandalf that stood within the heart of the Kingdom there. And this was by law, nobody was to build their castle higher than their God.

And although they were rich, their favour did not compete with the Lord Baggins of the north. Because of this Lord Bangdogrim Took, held a small grudge against the Bagginses.

Of course he always did try to compete, but with the Capture of the Old and mighty ruins of Annúminas, from the Dunadain Tribes, and the holding of all the forests, rivers and the lake that was next to the ruined city, the Bagginses industrial power was secure and just too great.

With seemingly endless forest to the north their furnaces burned day and night, and the waters around cooled their fires, and also cooled their trained muscular little warrior bodies. And with their advanced tools their fields were planted and harvested faster than any other. Even their grain was grinded better and faster, and pastries were made tastier and just better than any other families within the Shire, plus their military was better armed and armoured, and just cooler looking in Gandalf's opinion that any other families. So the Bagginses had his favour.

But most of all they gained Gandalf's favour due to their craftsmanship, and the creation of the First Royal Guard Legion of The Shire. With long Square shields of wood on the sides and metal at the center, the Hobbit shield wall was nearly impenetrable, and with long spears and short swords they poked their enemy through their shield walls. Their metallic armour gleamed under the sun, as their beautiful metal helmets decorated by tall and long brushes of wheat stood firm in the wind, this showing off the different ranks of the hobbit warriors.

And so because of all these advancements, from the Shire many trading caravans set forth selling cotton clothes to warm the body and just look good, Pipeweed to ease the nerves, Wine to drive one mad, salted pork to make the stomach happy, bread coated in wine to do many things in one, Cigarettes that made people cough and want more of all the formerly mentioned things, and some potions that increased mens aggression and muscles, and made women horny.

In return mineral resources that the shire lacked were bought and carried back to the shire, where they were made into blades, shields, armours, tools and many other things. While stone was hauled from the mountains to build within the center of the Shire a nice ever expanding castle for Gandalf and his little Hobbit Women he liked to just look at, but not touch.

Now the Shire never truly slept, work was constant and the ones happy bartering culture had turned to one run by money. And on the first day of each year all Hobbit's awoke and turned to the center of the Shire where Gandalf was, and fell on one knee. For an hour they needed to pray or face the whips of the gray enforcers of Gandalf.

However there were some who resisted from time to time, they came before his castle with signs demanding better wages and lesser working hours.

Gandalf though as always merely sent forth his gray enforcers, their heads were covered in gray sacks with only the mouths and eyes visible. And within their hands were long whips that they coated in their own spit as they licked them. And on their sides were wooden clubs.

Seeing them flooding out the castle the protestors stood strong in a big mob, men and women all, until the whips came. Screams of pain were heard, some lost their visions as whips slapped their eyes, smacked their ears making them ring, and those who didn't run fast enough or fell in pain to the ground, were clubbed to near death.

After which slave brands were put on their necks, Men were taken to the fields and mines, while women were dragged into Hobbit breeding holes from where more warriors of Gandalf came, in time that is. And overall like so these protesters that came with every generation or so were good for Gandalf.

This particular occasion being the fabled revolt of the year 2460, quite a low effort protest it was. After it no more protests were heard of or seen for another three years. There was peace in the Shire, although Gandalf still felt no peace, as he was in the year 2463 called to Rivendell, by Saruman.

So with some whining to his Hobbit servants he then gathered a great Hobbit host, of Hobbit Pony Knights. Before the host the rabbits of the grassy lands shook in fear, and birds were driven to flight by their happy singing, especially after they really started drinking.

Along the journey many proud Hobbit knights were lost, either having fallen from the cliffs before Rivendell, lost within the Prancing Pony Inn, or simply after having wondered off too far from the others and then having been snatched up by wild foxes or bears. But even still with the cautious lead of Gandalf, some of them eventually did make it to Rivendell.

And as the Hobbit host drunkenly stumbled within Rivendell, Gandalf was then met with his magical friends. The wise White council Elrond called it, seemingly entranced by Galadriels beautiful white skin and her supposed wisdom.

Though he didn't take the position as the leader of the council, but it was quickly decided that Saruman who seemed oddly distressed and shaky was to be the leader.

This being simply because Gandalf didn't give a damn about the whole council thing.

Galadriel on the other hand waved the offer off uncaringly, she seemingly saw herself to be too good for it and there were no benefits really.

Elrond though even not being the oldest here said that he was too old for this, he needed his beauty sleep or something.

Círdan on the other hand being the lord of the Gray Havens and the lands of Lindon, just didn't feel like travelling so far from the sea and so he left the council.

And so Radagast then came to take his place, but seeing as Radagast was more interested in his little pet rabbit, Saruman then by default took the leadership of the White council.

While biting his teeth Saruman had then cried out.

"Listen, please you have to listen to me. And yes I know this might sound like a lot, but please understand that this is really serious. For soon blood like rain will fall upon us, it will be like a Storm of death! Cities will burn, men women and children all will die, the land will be drained of all life, until only darkness remains! And no matter how much we struggle or endure here, we are all fucking dead! We are dead, we are so fucking dead my wise friends! We have to run, build ships and, and, and sail to Valinor! Surely the Valar would not mind us there amongst their numbers again. I I I mean we didn't succeed in our mission, sure, but still, we have to run, there simply is no hope for men, or anyone else here. I don't want to be eaten, not by them, noooooo!"

The man sounded mad, even the lunatic Radagast twitched weirdly in response and hugged his rabbit for comfort, clearly disturbed by Sarumans words. Gandalf too felt the need to run just then, he didn't want to be eaten or whatever Saruman was talking about, but he was too scared to do so.

The Valar were not kind, and would sentence them all to death or ten thousand years of torment if they didn't do their task here, or stay till their deaths at least.

Elrond seemed to be in thought, while Galadriels ears twitched in annoyance at the white Wizards pathetic words. Instead she looked to Gandalf and spoke to him telepathically.

"Don't just sit there you coward, his your brother is he not? Calm him down, and make him make sense and speak so that his whining doesn't hurt my sensitive ears. Now do it, or I'll not keep buying your weed for my people in the future, and you will not get our Elven wood for your little Hobbit Bows."

Galadriel didn't sound like she was kidding at all, and it made Gandalf sweat nervously. The Orcs of Angmar along with their Goblin and troll alliance were growing in number and sending small raiding bands already against the shires outer fortress colonies. So these bows were vital for him, they let the Hobbit's fire with the short bows as far as the bigger man folk did, which was giving them a great edge over the enemy. Plus there was the money as well.

But if Galadriel cut their trade then the Kingdom of the Shire would be in serious trouble, and many Hobbit's would die.

So with some hesitation Gandalf mustered up the motivation to speak to his Wizarding brother as he said.

"Calm down Saruman, your life has been spared. Whatever happened within the far east is over now. You're safe here, behind the Goblin infested Misty mountains. So have a smoke and chill out Saruman, and talk once your mind is at ease yet again."

With that Gandalf took out some thick long cigs from his black leather handbag, and handed them to all the members gathered there. After that he sent his foot stool Hobbit to go get some weed, wine and some thing to eat, along with some musicians.

And soon the 5 were smoking, drinking and eating together. Music played as they laughed, and then once the sun began to set Saruman began to tell them of that what had happened within the Far East.

***

While most of Sarumans words were lost amongst the high drunkenness of the White council, it was clear that within the Far East the Orcs had organised. They had actually managed to form some sort of an union of tribes with different uses.

While one the so called Machine tribe built tools, armours and everything else and was recognisable for their great fires of industry, which fires darkened the skies above.

There was also the Feral tribe who tamed the beasts of the enemy and tilled the fields, the Marauders who ran the economy, The Terror tribe who held order, The Warmongers who studied the arts of war and battle, the Dark tribe which carried out assassinations, climbed walls to take out guards and open the gates of cities for the Warmongers.

For seemingly every walk of life there was a so called tribe, but most unbelievable of all was Sarumans claims of the Mystic tribe and the Lifegiver tribe.

Supposedly Mystics were capable of carrying out dark rituals, raising dead rats and birds as their spies, and even raising men, Orcs or even dead Dragons of old as their undead followers. Necromancers they supposedly were, not strong, but many in number and a threat that brought great fear to the men of the east and Saruman who faced them.

While the Lifegivers were supposedly all the Orc women, bread and made to breed some more and make some more Orcs to breed as well. In caves like cow ranches Saruman had seen them once, there their nasty fat milkers were being milked, their bellies were bloated, and those whose weren't were being bred to become like so.

In Sarumans mind the Orcs had become dangerously efficient, like machines lacking any morals or wants to show compassion to others. Their Orc Legions wherever they went, hardly ever stopped as their supplies were their enemies that then kept them going ever onwards.

In the beginning the Blue Wizards and Saruman had thought of them as no threat. Surely Orcs could not industrialise in any meaningful ways, or make this society of theirs last. After all they were just stupid, inbred, and really ugly, but they did, and they were already many.

By the year 1250 of the Third age, as Saruman and the two blue Wizards had headed into the East for the first time. The enemy had already been building up its strength, and conquering the human lands for those 1250 years already. Simply the odds had been stacked against them from the very beginning.

No matter how many mad cults the blue Wizards created, and no matter the Kings and Lords Saruman impressed with his fireball juggling skills it wasn't enough. The people didn't trust him there within the east, the pale man they called him and saw his weird way of laughing as suspicious.

Although eventually the Blue Wizards did manage to get enslaved so that they could enter the gladiator arena. Where they then managed to make friends and then start a massive slave revolt with them. A revolt that saw them become the advisors to the Great Khan Ali, but still none of it was enough.

Bravely the Bison riders of Ali had charged the wargs on the open grassy plains and defeated them again and again. But the Wargs always came back with more and more numbers, until eventually Saruman saw the hopelessness of it all.

The truth was that the Blue Wizards had fucked up one of the greatest of Empires of the East accidentally with their revolt. It had shattered into many pieces and so the Great Khan Ali simply lacked the funds or numbers to fight back the Orcs even with the help of three wizards.

Because of this, the lesser newly formed neighboring Kingdoms were quick to fall to the Orcs, until only the Khanate of Ali remained. And within the great city of Alifareast they had fought to the last. Saruman had watched the dirty clay brick walls of the city fall under the ten year long barrage of the Orc catapults. He had witnessed the oval rooftops of the city's buildings collapse and fires begin to rage, as the many half-moon churches fell and the palace atop the great hilltop was set under siege.

There the blue Wizards held their ground along Saruman. While one wielded fire and the other ice, Saruman used his earth magic to throw stones around and his red fire magic to burn siege towers.

But within the final moments of the siege, as all three were wounded and bloody. The two had looked to him, given him the fastest horse within the land, Shadobane, and then said.

"Fly you fool, to the East ride, and warn them of what awaits them! Prepare their lands, make them build walls and castles many, see to this, and carry our hopes with you brother, to the end."

And with that said Saruman had used his earth magic to make a small tunnel far enough for himself to escape the city with the horse and ride away to the East. But even still it had been a close call for him.

However as the council listened to this legendary tale, many found it questionable. Even the insane Radagast was then quick to speak in his drunk state and call it out.

"Bunny s shit! You cannot build tunnel, s s, tunnels like that, S Saruman! Yo yo your a pus s sy pussy! You ran and left them, hmm."

Saruman seemed outraged by this as he was quick to stand up, point at Radagast and say.

"No I didn't, shut up you lisping fuck! Just hold your bunny tight and shut the fuck up, you fuck! Besides I'm the leader here, you have to believe everything that I say, ok! But anyway the point I'm trying to make is that we have to prepare, because a great evil is coming! Now who's with me?"

Radagast once again seemed disturbed as he twitched strangely, gave his bunny a cigarette to eat and let out strange noises as he did so.

"Huasuh husha auaua iiii aha hii!

Gandalf merely shook his head and drank uncaring of this all, while Galadriel smirked as if she was better than everyone else here. Though Elrond seemed serious as he said.

"I agree, our enemy is surely gathering in force and soon will be upon us here, just as I have long ago predicted that he would do again. The west must act, we need to strike a decisive blow at our enemy now before they are ready! We need to cast the ring into the fires of Mount Doom, and be rid of Saurons evil for good, yes. Now all we need is a brave group of ring bearers to go and do it, a so called fellowship of the ring, hmm."

Now all looked at Elrond with raised eyebrows, as Galadriel said smugly.

"I see you're wise as ever Elrond, although your plan seems to be missing something. Mmm like the ring for example, hahaha! Like why don't we just summon a million Elven warriors and go face Sauron now, oh yeah, nobody knows where he is and we don't have a million Elves here to send, hahaha! I mean, just listen to yourself Elrond. Just saying that we need to defeat the enemy isn't a plan my friend. Instead we need to be realistic here, and you need to gather your own forces and funds to defeat the enemy."

Hearing this Saruman seemed confused as he looked to Galadriel and asked.

"Wait, you meant to say all of us? Surely you're willing to come together with everyone to fight? This is after all the fate of the whole world that were speaking of here?"

Now all looked to Galadriel who simply shook away Saruman's words as she said.

"That is impossible. If we leave our forests then who would defend them from the Goblins, and the wood men who illegally always trying to come and cut down our trees. My people are simply too busy building a border tree wall for the forest to help you with your quest against evil or whatever. Besides we did enough in the last war already, so no, my people are not coming. Although I don't mind attending these meetings as the food is kind of good, and free."

With this Gandalf Agreed by saying.

"Yes, sadly this is partially true for me as well. I cannot send out my Hobbit's wherever. Although if the price is good, then I might be able to rent out a small group of my Hobbit's for any of your uses. Hobbit's after all are quite a hardy folk and will do anything that I tell them to do. So just ask and the Hobbit's will come to save you and get paid, though only a few of them. And you will surely not regret it."

Elrond was not looking pleased at these words, just like Saruman. Although Saruman figured that this would happen, so he merely sighed. While Elrond then spoke up and said.

"Well, I do regret to say that I too cannot leave these lands with my people so easily. At best I can gift a few Elves to form a fellowship of the Ring. But maybe Radagast can help?"

Hearing his name being called out, Radagast twitched weirdly as he pumped up his fist and said.

"Ra ra, ras ssss, rasskabel Rabbits ss ss are always ready to fight! Jusst give them carrotssss sss and they'll be good to go!"

However after hearing the words Galadriel and Gandalf merely looked at eachother knowingly and burst into laughter. Saruman face palmed himself, while Elrond seriously suggested.

"Well, it is clear that the enemies eye is fixed on the west again. And so I suggest that we do something."

And once more at the wise Elves suggestion all broke out into laughter and soon continued talking about this and that and smoking and drinking.

After the night was out all lay around the round table passed out, totally having forgotten everything that Saruman or anyone else had said that night. And so the first meeting of the Wise White council came to an end the next day. However there was one white Wizard which was definitely not pleased as he left for Gondor then to search for answers and solutions to this world ending threat, on his own.