LF Friends, Will Travel

Jan Eagles suppressed the urge to sigh. It was a trick he'd mastered over his many years as an ambassador, the ability to avoid a physical reaction regardless of the situation, to remain unflinchingly calm and diplomatic in the most undiplomatic of circumstances. This was a skill being tested to its limits by this new… problem.

He stood at the head of the table, surveying the room. This was the nice office, situated on the ambassadorial station in orbit of Earth itself, the one used for the most important meetings, carefully put together to provide an aura of friendship and strength in equal measure.

Paintings, photographs and tapestries hung from the walls, some commissioned, some gifted by members of the Terran Alliance. Representations of cities or natural wonders from Earth and other Terran planets were hanging next to artworks from alliance members and pictures of Terran diplomats meeting with various alien leaders.

A deep mahogany table with twenty seats dominated the room, allowing the Terrans to host major meetings with important guests. The clear glass windows of the far wall provided an impressive view of not only the splendour of Earth, the beautiful blue and green marble that hung in the sky, but the many, many warships in her defensive fleet. Upon the table normally sat a variety of foods sourced from Earth: Fruits, dried meats, other edible delicacies from the planet the station orbited had all been pushed to the edge of the surface, to make room for the ‘gifts’ that Jan’s visitor had brought.

A random selection of items lay scattered in a pile: A giant laser cannon of unknown make was placed next to a giant plush toy of some five legged furry creature that Jan didn’t recognize. A case of Lituram wine hiding under a strange decorative sculpture that wobbled in place. Finished off with a robe with three armholes draped over the top of it all, a line of alien text on the front that read ‘I LUV GRIZXTAL CITY’. The entire collection had the vibe of someone who’d suddenly realized it was Christmas Eve while shopping at a gas station, which to be fair, precisely described the rush with which Zantari had brought their presents.

“So, let us recap to see if I understand this situation. You are Zantari, a diplomat for Ghirlinn who has been avoiding contact with the Terran Conclave because your species finds Terrans, humans in particular, cute. You are worried about members of your species starting human trafficking due to your technological advantage. As soon as you leave this conversation you legally have to inform your government about our existence, bringing this problem to a head. Have I got this right?”

Jan asked the question, summarizing the rambling nervous explanation that Zantari had given him, feeling the start of a headache coming on from the problems this might cause. Of course, the head diplomat for the Terrans knew about the Ghirlinn, or at least as much as one can know about such a species. They knew the alien race could do things that broke the current Terran understanding of how the universe worked, and that, at best, they could be described as ‘trickster gods’, known for their love of watching and messing with people.

The fact that this species was going to take special interest in the Terrans was worrying.

There was pause while Jan waited for the Ghirlinn to answer the question, the seconds awkwardly ticking by as Zantari stared at him with a blank distracted look in their eyes, before the reptilian form the Ghirlinn preferred to use by default gave a jump of surprise, as if being awoken from their own thoughts. A panicked look was plastered across their face as Zantari realized someone had asked them a question.

“Errr… I’m sorry, what was the question? I… I got a little distracted by the way the fur beneath your nose bounces up and down while you talk… like a little boopable button.”

Jan once again held in the urge to sigh, instead pushing the feeling deep into his soul and suppressing it into what would probably later form a brain tumour. He got the feeling that many ‘cute’ aliens of the universe would be getting apologies from certain people upon their first interaction with the Ghirlinn.

“I was summarizing the issue you presented to me.”

“Yes, yes. The Ghirlinn would really prefer for our relations to be positive, and do not want our minority of criminals to tarnish our future interactions.”

While the Terran diplomat understood that this meeting had been ‘sprung’ on Zantari, Jan did hope that the Ghirlinn would be a little more professional than their current state of barely being able to pay attention.

Still, Jan wondered if this was a weakness that could be exploited. The Terran was under no delusion about their position in this meeting, as the technological gap between the two species was immense, so anything that could be used to get more favourable deals or interactions between them was something to be fully explored.

“Well there are a lot of ways I believe we could be friends. I understand that you were the one responsible for taking out the Estorian fleet near Hatil space, which we thank you extensively for, that makes us overjoyed at the tragedy that you stopped heroically.” Jan paused for a moment as he spoke, watching the clear joy emanating from Zantari as the ‘cute primate’ praised them. “We’d be exceptionally interested in a friendly defensive agreement, as we both seem to dislike the same people.”

“I’m sorry, we really can’t do that. I wish we could.”

Jan watched as the Ghirlinn slowly squirmed with discomfort at having to tell him no, giving a soft smile in return as he applied a little more pressure.

“But right now a lot of Terrans are being hurt, or even killed by the Estorians. Even just a little help defensively would allow us to focus more on this new possible friendship we find ourselves in.”

Jan knew exactly what he was doing as Zantari’s expression turned to one of pain, as if they were a National Geographic researcher having to film a cute baby deer being hunted by a lion, unable to act in their requirement of neutrality. The Terran diplomat had no problems with abandoning their pride to help the Terran Alliance as a whole, especially given the unprecedentedly high levels of cohesion of the Estorian Empire’s individual armies. If giving the strange shape-shifter some ‘puppy eyes’ was all it took to end the war in the Terran’s favour, then Jan would act as cute as possible.

“I’m sorry, I really am. We can’t get involved. There are reasons outside your knowledge, agreements and rules we can’t break. It’s really for your own good.”

Zantari looked like he was about to cry, having to tell the cute little human no, leaving Jan to offer an alternative. There was no need to overly push such a suggestion in just one meeting, you very rarely got everything you wanted in just one conversation. The trick was to slowly wear down your diplomatic contacts over time, to get what you wanted.

“That’s unfortunate. But I’m certain there are other ways we can aid and learn more about each other. I’m sure after the news about our species hits your media, the Ghirlinn would be interested in some mutual tourism, or even an exchange program between members of our scientific community?”

There was a second way to get value from such a relationship, and while Jan was interested in learning about this advanced alien species just out of curiosity, getting as many of the Ghirlinn at various “tourist destinations” would be the same as having those locations defended by the Ghirlinn government as they strove to protect their citizens. This wasn’t even a new idea, Jan knew about several governments who unofficially used Terran tourism as a shield, knowing that the Terran Conclave would be forced to respond if anyone attacked these locations.

Honestly, being on this side of negotiations was an interesting feeling for Jan Eagles.

“If you wanted that, that would be grand!” Zantari responded with a more animated expression “We would be willing to provide anything needed to any Terran wishing to travel to Ghirlinn space as honoured guests. Especially if they wish to travel to our systems outside this galaxy.”

Jan couldn’t help but give a small raise of an eyebrow as he processed this statement, a tiny crack in his poker face at just how big of an offer that was. He knew there were people who would literally bite off this shapeshifter’s hand for that offer, to travel outside their current galaxy to the universe unknown. That was without getting into the possibility of anyone visiting the Ghirlinn ‘borrowing’ any technology that wasn’t nailed down. Fortunately for Jan, Zantari was too busy internally fighting the urge to squee at the Terran who just waggled a cute fuzzy eyebrow at them, to know what it meant.

“That, that would work.” Jan finally said after a few moments, carefully choosing their words and movements to hide just how good an offer that was. “Let’s talk about the elephant in the room: These ‘Terran traffickers’ of yours.”

Zantari started wringing their hands in anxiety as they waited for the Terran diplomat to continue talking, a worry and fear rising as Jan reached into a suit pocket and pulled out a small datapad before handing it over. Was this moment where all of the Ghirlinn’s fears would be realized, that these cute little creatures would hate them for the troubles that the Ghirlinn would cause?

“If you agree to these terms in dealing with such members of your species, I’m sure it will be fine.”

Zantari took a moment to quickly skim the document, anxiety replaced with relief as the asked actions were all a reasonable framework surrounding information sharing and punishment around any would be Terran traffickers.

“Yes, this would be the least we’d do, anyone who breaks your sapient rights will be dealt with harshly by our justice system!” Zantari took a few more moments to keep reading the strangely detailed document, before continuing. “So you’re not angry or scared of us because of this? You’re not insulted at all by us finding you cute?”

This time Jan did actually sigh, a small calming sound as they gave the nervous Ghirlinn a soft smile, empathy for Zantari’s situation filling the Terran diplomat. Sure, at a species level Zantari had the advantage, but it was clear to Jan that while he’d spent the last 70 years cutting his teeth on diplomatic negotiations in a massive confusing galaxy, his counterpart wasn’t experienced with this kind of meeting. The Ghirlinn seemed more intent on worrying about whether the Terrans would hate them than trying to gain any kind of advantage in negotiations.

“Look, most Terrans will find it annoying or insulting if you’re over the top with it. A few will find it endearing, and a minority will be into it.” Jan paused for a moment, wondering what would happen when the Ghirlinn eventually wandered into the insanity of the Terran Galnet, before leaving that thought for another day. “Really, we can't complain too much without being hypocrites.”

Zantari gave a small frown of confusion. “What do you mean?”

“We have the same problem you do. Half of the universe triggers our ‘cute’ response, and while most Terrans would not do such a thing, a minority will, and keep breaking our laws on ‘no trafficking people, no matter how cute they are’. The documents you hold in your hands are our standard agreement with other such races on how we deal with our own problems. Expecting you to do anything we wouldn’t expect of ourselves would be wrong.”

Zantari took a few moments to understand the meaning of this statement, finding it adorable that the Terrans had the same problems they did. Was this why everyone found the situation funny, that the Terrans have the same problem with the rest of the galaxy as the Ghirlinn would have with Terrans? With the lack of response from Jan, Zantari now realized their over-thinking regarding this meeting was unnecessary if the cute little primates were this chill about the problem.

“I feel a little silly now, worrying about this meeting. I really thought you’d be angrier at such a threat from us…” Zantari gave a small sigh, bowing their head in shame, understanding that the simplest solution would have been to just talk with the Terrans. “But I still don’t get one thing: What is your deal? I spent so much time trying to work out who you were, to find out how to correctly initiate this conversation, but nothing made sense. The Litorian Horde thinks you’re warriors, the Parket thinks you're awesome party people, and the Hatil talk about you like you’re benevolent saviours. Everyone seems to have a different view of just what a Terran is.”

Jan took a moment and gave a small chuckle, a kind smile playing at the edges of his lips as he saw yet another species be absolutely confused about the duality of humanity.

“The answer is yes. We are all those things and more. If you ask 10 Terrans about something, you will get 11 opinions. No matter who or what you are, there will be at least someone amongst our species who finds what you do to be interesting, worth their time and effort. I think if you wanted to describe what motivates a Terran, it’s very simple: We just want to be happy, and whatever makes us happy is generally far more enjoyable when done with other people, with friends.”

Jan Eagles took a step forwards, holding out a hand in friendship toward the Ghirlinn, and somehow, against all the worries and stress Zantari had faced over the Terrans, they now knew everything would be alright in the end.

“The Terran Conclave would be very happy to be a friend to the Ghirlinn.”

Zantari had had a stressful month, in trying to work out just what these cute Terrans were all about, meeting various diplomats in their quest to try and craft the perfect first contact with the little primates. This had been followed by pure relief as the Terrans seemingly accepted the Ghirlinn, faults and all.

So, in a moment of confusion and with all self-control slipping away, as Jan Eagles extended his arm towards them in a gesture of friendship, Zantari’s brain glitched. He raised his own appendage in response, not to grasp the diplomat's hand, but higher, reaching out with a single pointed finger and mindlessly pressing it against the Terran’s soft squishy nose without thinking. It took Zantari a few seconds to realize exactly what they had done, half filled with satisfaction, the other half containing embarrassment and worry once again. Still, they uttered a final word that needed to be said in precisely such a circumstance.

“Boop.”