Leftover Apocalypse

Betrad showed up the next morning with breakfast and bad news.

"Lord Protector Hammersmith wanted further meetings between you and your... sister... to be at the fortress, as she doesn't like you both being out in the city together. Calliope... or... hmm."

I took what appeared to be a big steamed dumpling filled with eggs and cheese out of the basket he was holding, and decided it looked good enough that I would help him out. "Constance, or Connie. You can call me Calliope."

"Ah, that will help. Thanks. Constance pointed out, fairly, that when you were thought to be dead she was still allowed out and so clearly it's not any more of a risk now. She then continued to say, I believe somewhat unfairly, that she didn't trust any part of the leadership or military of the Endless Empire enough to have you step foot in the fortress."

I took a break from blowing on the surprisingly hot filling of the dumpling and looked at Bert. "But wait. If that was the problem it's not like you couldn't just capture me and drag me in there, right?"

"As I said, somewhat unfair. I didn't point that out though, because I think it wouldn't have gone over well and I didn't want to get punched in the nose."

For a moment I felt Kern's blood splashing on my face again. Punched in the nose would be far from the worst possible outcome. "Okay, so... lunch or no lunch today?"

"As yet undecided. I suspect we'll come up with some sort of agreement. Until then, Kern is with her and I'm with you. I can make myself scarce, but please don't try to sneak out the window or run all over the city like you did the other day, I know I managed to look calm and impressive but if I'm being honest that was exhausting."

Katrin and Errod joined us briefly and introduced themselves, and then Bert left and presumably lurked somewhere across the street. We'd taken turns looking at the pages Connie had slipped me and while I was undecided Katrin and Errod had pretty firm plans. Katrin wanted Comprehension first, to be better at magic, and then Mana if she got two, so she could recharge herself faster. If she lucked out and got three she'd abandon her whole plan and go with Alchemy instead because apparently it was just that valuable. Errod wanted Velocity if he got one, Perception if he got a second, and Gravity if he hit the jackpot and got three.

Mila had another job for them, a huge turtle statue this time. They left for the merchant's teleportation building and I stayed back, not wanting a repeat of the other day, and was sure to let Bert see me sending the others off and returning so he wouldn't feel the need to come up to the apartment and check on me.. When I started to get bored and anxious and think that this time, surely, they'd be ditching me and not returning I started to regret it though, as any company would have helped.

After all the time I'd spent on my own over the years - the vast majority of my life, really - it was ridiculous that I could still worry about being abandoned. I hardly even knew Katrin and Errod, really, and surely we would part ways once we got to the Duminere. Or hell, sooner - at the moment I didn't see any way we'd be able to even go looking for it. Connie had implied in the letter that someone else would get there first if we didn't leave within six months of my arrival, and I doubted that Hammersmith would let us go the second the gateway to Brinkmar was open.

If we could trust her to let us go at all.

I had the sudden urge to just make a run for it. Sneak past Bert, get out of the city somehow, grab that hollow rock full of money that Connie had had Mila stash. No worries about getting pinned down by the Empire, no anxiety about being abandoned by Katrin and Errod. No need to worry about watching some version of myself go crazy and die, or whatever her deal was. She would understand. Hell, she would approve. I stepped out onto the landing, idly planning. Just in case.

And then, even though they hadn't been gone more than an hour, I saw Errod and Katrin trudging up the road. "What happened?" I called out as they started up the stairs, "There's no way you're done with the delivery yet."

"You've met Mila," Katrin said, "she got there and they said she didn't have anything scheduled, and then she realized the client wasn't expecting her today. She didn't want to try and get it up the hill again, so she tucked it in a storage place she has on that side of town - I have to assume she has it because she's done this before. She's a bit of a mess."

I managed to convince myself that I hadn't just been thinking about fleeing the city. We tried practicing magic again but I still couldn't get it, and I attempted to practice fighting with Errod but Katrin was worried we'd smash up the apartment. "I wish my phone worked," I moaned, "or that we had a television. I want to make some popcorn and watch a movie or... wait. Movie. Katrin! What do you think 'movie' means?" Unlike most of my complaint, the word 'movie' had translated into something.

"It's a show, like a play? But it's imprinted onto a metal plate, and there's no sound. Sometimes merchants have some, to draw in a crowd. I've heard larger cities have special places you can go to to watch them, there might be one here if that's what you wanted."

Ah. Well that was neat, but... not the same. "It's not completely wrong or anything, but where I come from they're better. We have sound, and... I don't know, I'm assuming way better production value."

"I don't know what you mean by that," she said, "but... didn't you say you never used magic before coming here?"

Oh, right. Well... in for a penny, in for a pound. "Okay, you two took the news that Connie was me from the future shockingly well, and now that I know a little more about what's going on I don't see any reason not to tell you the rest. I'm not from here at all. Like, not just another continent or another plane. I'm from another planet entirely."

Katrin looked confused, and Errod nodded very seriously - the way people do when a little kid is telling them something stupid that is nonetheless important to them. "Sorry," Katrin said, "another... planet? I don't understand. The only other planet on this plane is the moon, and most of the other planes don't have planets at all I think."

"Okay so wait, this counts as a plane then? I wasn't clear on that. And you're sure there's only... hmm." The stars had looked strange and sparse because there was no Milky Way, but I hadn't stopped to think about whether or not there were other planets. "There's nothing else you know of orbiting the sun?"

Katrin looked frustrated. "The moon and sun go around the world, but the sun isn't a planet. It's just a hole into Botara. Only the world and the moon are planets, and there's just the two."

I was about to tell her she was wrong, but... was she? How the hell would I know? Surely the sun being a hole that light just spilled out of would be a noticeable change, right? There would be something about the shadows, or the way day and night worked, or... something? And what were the stars, then? I didn't want to just dismiss Katrin as being uneducated when in this place I was the one who didn't know anything. And I already knew there could be different laws of physics, so even if I had been an expert on that stuff it wouldn't necessarily help - and I'd barely graduated from high school. Hugh had talked about the world spinning, so that would imply I was right although... motion was all relative right?

I was officially too uninformed and uneducated to think about this. Before I could try to explain how I thought things worked or what I'd been picturing, the door burst open and "Ernie" strode in. He looked at each of us, one at a time, sucking his teeth. "Had to make sure you were all in one place. Security check."

In the immediate shock of seeing his throat slit I hadn't really considered how much I disliked him. "Here we are, dickweed. Mission accomplished. Now fuck off, and knock next time."

"I'm staying right here," he said, "I know what you're like. I tell you there's a security check and it's just going to make you want to go out there and make things worse. So I'm going to stand right here, and you're going to deal with it and behave like a good girl."

Katrin put a hand on my shoulder. "Hey. It's fine. We weren't going out anyway."

Yeah, sure, we had been planning on staying in. But now that I had to stay I felt a deep need to get the hell out of there. I wanted to hurt him. Not like Connie did, especially since I couldn't reverse it. I wanted... I wanted him to have an accident. Something I couldn't be blamed for, but something that hurt and was hopefully also humiliating. That would be ideal. "You know what," I said, "why don't you -"

I was interrupted by Bert shoving past him, and immediately sensing the tension. "Hey folks. Errod, Katrin, Callie. Kern, who I am sure is being completely professional and not deliberately antagonizing these nice people that we're supposed to be protecting."

"Hey Betrad," I said, "What's going on? Did they just want an excuse to send Kern somewhere so they wouldn't have to see that rat scrotum he calls a face, or is something actually wrong?"

Ernie sputtered, but Bert answered before he could go off. "Probably a drill. They're a little paranoid, that's all. Things are going well right now, but that means Halenvar is desperate. You know what happened to the governor in Handoleren, that was... not something our intelligence indicated would happen and while it's unlikely they would risk attacking Theramas we can't take any chances."

Ernie scowled. "You shouldn't be talking about things like that. They're not even citizens, let alone military."

"I'm not telling them anything that's a secret," he replied. "Come on Kern, let's give these guys a little space. You can patrol around the building, I'll post up out on the stairs."

"I want eyes on them at all time," he said, "If you want to patrol around the building feel free, but I'm staying right here."

I walked over to Bert and spoke quietly, "I appreciate the thought. You might as well go, if he's not going to give us some space then having two of you here won't help. No offense or anything."

He nodded, then replied in barely a whisper. "If I'm going to be going on a walk around the building anyway, I could always keep an eye on you down there. Stretch your legs, get some fresh air?"

I was about to say yes, and then that little voice chimed in. Would it be rude to leave Katrin and Errod with this asshole? I was bad at that sort of question. If I did it and it turned out they were annoyed I'd bailed on them I probably wouldn't notice unless they flat out told me. Also, what if he just followed me and harassed me outside, or had a big stinky fit about me going in the first place. The whole thing sounded exhausting. "Nah, I'm fine. I'm going to just hide in my room or something."

He left, and only after he was gone did I start to wonder if he had been hitting on me. He'd basically asked me to go on a walk with him, right? It wasn't something I had a lot of experience with, and I didn't know how I felt about it. My first thought was actually that if he was I should go for it just in case I could get him to help us escape at some point - the little voice said I wasn't supposed to manipulate people's feelings to get what I wanted, but it was mostly drowned out by my fear of being trapped.

The next day I decided to try and get a better feel for the situation. I'd slept in until almost lunchtime, so I headed out to buy something from the market - they had some places that were basically fast food, and I'd been meaning to try the one that served deep fried skewers of something that from Katrin's description sounded like a gigantic duck. I made a point of waving Betrad over so he wouldn't bother trying to give me space.

"Sorry again about the other day," he said, "there was a genuine security concern of some sort. Connie was very upset, but the upside is that I am going to be escorting her to your apartment later and Kern will not be joining us."

I shrugged and told him it was fine, then half listened as he made small talk. I felt fairly sure Bert would give us some space, but not completely certain. The private room at the Cheese Cave probably had some protection - I assumed that was why Connie had picked it - but she'd still made that tarp to throw over us once she knew I'd been noticed. Was there a good way to protect the apartment? If not, we wouldn't be able to make any plans. I had really been hoping to find out more about the expedition to the Duminere.

I ordered two skewers when we arrived, and a side of whatever the hell the other thing they offered was - some sort of greasy-looking balls of dough - but when I went to pay Betrad reached past me and handed some coins across the counter. So he was for sure hitting on me, right? I hadn't ever been really into dating. I tried it some, off and on, but most of the time I found myself faking it. I'd tried to convince myself I was attached, and maybe even had been a tiny bit, but most days I'd have to pretend I cared and in general people weren't understanding of that when they caught on.

Betrad said he should probably hang back to better keep an eye on things from a distance, and alarm bells went off in my head. I'd missed something while I was thinking. I tried to mentally rewind the conversation, unsure what had changed. Betrad had said something about his parents, I said that the skewers were delicious, and he got all quiet. What, specifically, had he said?

Oh. He said that his parents had died in a fire when he was young, and I had responded by commenting on the flavor of the skewers. Right. People expect you to feel bad for them when family members die, Callie. Fuck. "Betrad, wait. Sorry. I'm... I'm sorry to hear that, about your parents. I just never know what to say about sad stuff, and my own relationship with my mom was bad, and... anyway. Sorry."

He didn't look convinced, but it was at least a start. I wasn't devoid of emotions or anything, I'd felt all the normal things you would expect when stuff happened to me, but I didn't tend to feel them on other people's behalf. And when you combine that with me being kind of a piece of shit when I was younger... it was pretty bad. At some point, for reasons I wasn't even sure of, I had decided to try harder - but that didn't mean I was ever going to be good at it. Trying could make me better about saying "gosh that sucks, I'm sorry that happened to you" but it couldn't make me actually feel sad just because someone else was, and it wouldn't change that sometimes when I said something nice I was actually just feeling... bored.

I would only ever be good or nice on purpose, and I had to hope that was enough.

When Connie came over she - as expected - didn't want to talk about anything sensitive. Well, not sensitive in terms of our future plans. Sensitive as in embarrassing? That was for sure on the table, and pretty quickly she had us all joining in. Katrin told a very uncharitably accurate account of the excitement in Handoleren, and I was forced to admit that my decision to sneak into a building just because I saw a familiar rug was possibly hasty and not sufficiently justified. This was followed by the recent time Errod cut off his own toe, the alternate timeline event where Errod cut off his own pinky finger, the time when Katrin was six and told a nobleman he smelled bad, and an unfortunate number of stories about myself because somehow Connie and I tried to one-up each other even though we were, by definition, mocking ourselves.

Connie continued to feel a little shaky though. She laughed a little too hard or too long, her eyes seemed to go dead when anyone mentioned our babysitters or Hammersmith, and she would bounce back and forth from being manic to staring sullenly at the door. It didn't ruin the evening, but it was noticeable. And then she knocked her drink over and just stared at the puddle for a moment before absolutely losing her shit, throwing a chair across the room and flinging a plate of cheese and - when Kern ran in to see what was going on - stabbing him in the eye with a fork even as he ran her through with his sword in return.

She caught her cup before it could fall. Everything was fine.

I excused myself to the bathroom and just sat for a moment to make sure I didn't react to her... outburst. When I felt ready I washed my face and headed back out, wordlessly taking Connie by the hand and pulling her over to the window and out onto the roof so we could talk with at least a little bit of privacy - there was nothing to do about her fear that someone was listening in, and when I discretely showed her I still had the tarp she waved me off and said she'd have to re-do it.

I asked her if she was okay, and she didn't reply. It was tempting to say something more but I just waited, watching the moon with its blur of water and vegetation. Was there a way to get up there? Connie took her time deciding to talk, and when she did her voice was a little shaky. "Sometimes I worry about whether or not this is really happening, and... I wanted to warn you that something made me get worse. I don't know if it'll happen to you. We're different, and I think the stress has been worse for me than it will be for you.

"That's why I want to get you out of here on an adventure," she said, "It's been an extra two years for me - Earth years I mean. Most of that has been with me sick, or locked up, or training. And then knowing that the world might end even though nobody else thought it would, and planning for if I was right and everything might get destroyed. Being attacked, a few times. Watching people die trying to protect me. And my memories... have you been having strange dreams?"

I shrugged as best I could while laying on my back. "Not that strange. Maybe a little. I mean, there's always nightmares."

"Yeah, there's always those. But I don't mean those, not mainly. I mean... dreams about other lives I never lived. Lots of them involve just living out in the woods, I think it's like... I don't know, like what could have happened if mom never found us after we got lost when we were five."

"Or if she never came back for us after ditching us on one of the later camping trips?" Standing at the campsite, watching the tail lights disappear over a hill. Again.

"Yeah, maybe. And then I have these dreams, or memories, about Bill. Remember him? We barely knew him, he was just another case worker, but I have these dreams like... what if he had been my foster dad instead? And they're both impossible, you can't really just grow up in the woods and there's no way Bill would have taken a random one of his kids home with him. They're crazy. But... they feel real, and it makes me worry that this isn't real either."

I snuggled in close to her and kept looking up at that moon overhead. "It's all real. The good shit and the bad. Don't worry about the dreams, they're just garbage. Dreams don't mean anything."

"I'm dying," she said. Just out of nowhere.

"I know," I replied, "I heard. Kind of. I don't understand why. What can't they fix with magic?"

Once again she took a moment to answer. "Mana is just... magical energy. Standard fantasy stuff from Earth got it basically right, you know? But it's possible to imprint an intent on it, or a... focus. Picture if you wanted to make a... I don't know, a tomato, out of clay. You could use normal brown or gray clay and then paint it, but if you already had bright red clay it would be easier, right? It's not a perfect metaphor but that's the idea."

I nodded. "The pages you gave me, about magic. They mentioned aligning mana, or something."

"Right, that. It's really important for making potions, and you can use it some when making alchemical metals too. Humans naturally have a layer of mana that's aligned with... life force, basically, and without it there'd be problems. I don't think other types show up in nature much, which is good because if it's not the generic type it's way harder to use for anything it's not already aligned with. But Ulren, he had all this crystalized mana that was aligned with manipulating time. It's dangerous to do shit like that - if you do it wrong when you could end up with this magically radioactive slag, kinda. So if you were trying to make something that changed stone into metal, maybe now it's changing anything around it into something else. Not even the right stuff.

"Same with wild magic - that's one of the reasons it's banned in a lot of places. If you're not really good at it you can leave this magical residue of mana that's still trying to do... something... even though it's not part of a spell anymore. Picture a fire - if it burns cleanly there's no smoke, but if not you can end up with a big sooty black cloud. The continent I said you should pretend to be from? There were so many magical wars there it's practically unlivable. And so when I killed Ulren and blew up his lab all that mana was released and it all wanted to do something with time but it was undirected and... I got hit with it. My whole left side was all wrinkled and sagging and fucked up. It's amazing I wasn't dead, it should have killed me."

I remembered what Telen had said - 'a glowing crater that ages anyone to death if they so much as look at it'. I also had a tickle of a memory, a nightmare I'd had right after arriving. My left side, aging away to nothing. Huh.

Connie took a deep, shaky breath. "He - Ulren - had a thing, this ridiculous mad science harness thing that let him fuck with time. It's powered by that same time-aligned mana, and I stole it. And any time I'm not with you I have it on, and I've rigged it to make sure it's keeping me stable. But when I'm not wearing it, time starts to try and kill me again. A little bit. And they can fix me, they can repair my organs again and again as they fail, and make my skin look normal, and whatever else. But they haven't been able to remove the underlying effect. They should have been able to. Either they're lying and they want to keep me sick and dependent on them, or... I don't know. That slag, the shit left over when an alchemist fucks up? Sometimes they just seal it in a barrel and throw it into this one plane that's basically an entropic void. It's the only way to dispose of it."

"We'll fix it," I said. "We're going to be rich and famous, remember? At that point it'll be no problem."

She was quiet, and after a moment I could tell she had fallen asleep. I wondered, briefly, what she might be dreaming about - but decided that I probably was better off not knowing.