Journey of the Son of Ares

"Would you like to have some tea?" Amadeus asked as Aurelius leaned on the doorframe of his room.

Aurelius looked back into his room. The window was white with fog as a constant drizzle pattered. The rain always brought bad memories to mind.

"Uh," Aurelius said as he turned to Amadeus, "sure."

"Great," Amadeus smiled and turned to walk away. "I'll go get the tea. Your room?"

"Yours," Aurelius decided before walking back to the desk in his room, looked at the frantic scribbles in his notebook that he had meant as poetry, and flipped it closed.

***

"Thank you," Aurelius said as he took the tea and set it on the table. "Is there something in particular you wanted to talk about?"

Amadeus sat opposite him and waved his hands. "No, not really."

"It's not too late for second thoughts," Aurelius reminded him. The mission was hazardous and in the end, it would all be up to his strength. "I never wanted to involve anyone innocent in all this."

"What?" Amadeus shook his head incredulously. "How could you think that? Of course, I'm not having second thoughts." He scoffed lightly. "Damian told me about your initial plan. It's suicide, even for you. This plan is our best shot. Orpheus has nothing but enemies, but he's survived all this time. If we don't do this, he'll keep living... and thinking that he deserves it." The last words came out with some spit. Amadeus wiped his lips and took a sip of tea.

Aurelius looked at him with sad eyes. "You're right. I'm sorry," he said, but half-heartedly. He knew where Amadeus was coming from and that he had no right to stop him. Still, nothing ever went right in the world, and Aurelius was starting to feel that all he could do was watch as things went horribly wrong.

"Ah, come on," Amadeus said with a sigh. "We're doing good here. Let's not be so down. Even the Uzbec thing. Just an overreaction."

Aurelius put a hand on his chin and fell into deep thought. "No. He really is a threat. I know what sort of dissection some people in this world are capable of." He thought back to the Idea of a Human. "Some people just destroy. I feel that he is of that nature. If I get the chance, I'll end him too."

"Your tea is getting cold," Amadeus said with a light tone. Aurelius raised his brows and took to drinking. "All that is true, but... don't you think you're destroying yourself." He cast Aurelius a look of sympathy while he sipped the tea quietly. It was an unfamiliar taste. "For almost the whole past year, you've only subjected yourself to the worst this world has to offer with no solace in anything."

"And the world is better for it," Aurelius asserted his gaze on the swirling tea that went calm. "The tea is good."

Amadeus clicked his tongue, prompting Aurelius to look at him. "When does it end?" he asked.

Aurelius just looked at him, thoughts swirling in his mind, but not a single one rising to the surface. All he could do was look for an escape. "Why are we having this conversation?"

"Because it's what you need?"

"You think so?"

"I do."

Aurelius took another sip. A bigger one. Then he let the hot tea cool in his mouth before swallowing and putting the cup back down. "You're a smart person, Amadeus. But you don't know me. Sure, you know the liveD. You may even know the son of Ares. But you don't know Aurelius. You don't know the boy who left his mother alone to pursue strength and wealth. To make a name for himself as a hero, to feel that he mattered. That he had a purpose in the world... like he thought his father did."

"Then tell me."

Aurelius' upper lip curled as he looked Amadeus in the eyes. "I don't like the way you look at me. You don't even listen to me. It feels like you're worshipping an idea of me inside your head and you don't even see that I'm a person. It's the same with everyone."

"It's just that you think—"

"Shut up." Aurelius' hand shot up. He lowered it slowly. "Just be quiet. For once... listen." He rubbed his eyes before steeling his gaze and meeting Amadeus' gaze again. "I understand it. I do. I have what everybody else wants but can't get, so they make up fantasies about me that fit their image. They think my life is perfect. Hell, I can't blame them. Sometimes it feels like my life would be perfect if only it weren't me living it." Aurelius paused as Amadeus' eyes hadn't changed. He had an understanding look to him. Like he had expected every word. It was sickening. Aurelius buried his face in his hands even though it muffled his voice. "Maybe I should be happy. But I'm not. My life's gone to shit. Strength and wealth? I don't care about those things anymore. I just wish I never left. I wish I'd stayed in my little bubble until the day I died. But I can't go back now. Not empty-handed handed at least. Not like the failure I am." He paused, thinking back further than he had in a long time. "In the state I am now, even my own mother wouldn't recognize me."

For a while it was silent. And it felt good.

"Yeah, you are fucked up. Really, really fucked up," Amadeus said, grabbing Aurelius's attention. But for once he didn't feel the need to correct him. Amadeus shrugged. "What can I say? You're fucked up... but you're my hero." He put his head down and rubbed his forehead. "The thing is... you're just drowning yourself. On one end, there are the people who would just run away and live selfishly by taking advantage of the strength you have. Those are the people who say your life could be perfect. That's because they're cowards." He snapped his fingers, pointing at Aurelius. "You're on the other end. But that's just as bad."

Aurelius scoffed at the notion. "Because I do what I'm supposed to?"

"Because you do nothing else," Amadeus put it bluntly. "You feel like people don't see you as a person, but the one who doesn't think of you as a human at all is really yourself. Why is that? Does it feel like an excuse? You just can't to yourself that you're human, too. That you can't keep living the way you are."

Aurelius leaned his elbows on the table with tired eyes. "You don't know what it's like."

"Your life?"

"Everything. The world. My mind. I only want to help others because it's the only thing that feels good."

"I..." Amadeus trailed off and a silence fell, only broken as he found his words again, looking past Aurelius. "The piano has been my escape my whole life. No matter how ugly life got, it helped me through it all. It never lost its beauty. The feel and the music were always there for me." He glanced at Aurelius. A little shy this time, only now having opened himself to be read as well. "Is it like that?"

"I... guess."

"Then you should never stop. For the sake of others as well as yourself."

"But... I don't feel like I'm saving people anymore. More like I'm just a murderer." Aurelius averted his gaze to sip the tea.

"Because you're detached?"

"I don't know." The words came sluggishly as Aurelius shook his head.

"Then... I don't know." It seemed even Amadeus ran out of things to say. "What about Cade?"

"What?"

"Do you feel detached from her?"

"That... I... What?" Aurelius looked for Amadeus to fill the silence, but he let it linger. "I guess. But I'm the one who left. I betrayed her as my partner."

"You think your link can never be repaired?"

"I... haven't thought about it," Aurelius answered, a little embarrassment leaking into his voice.

"Well, what kind of person is she?" Aurelius glanced at Amadeus uncertainly. "Come on. Give me a clue."

Aurelius put a hand on his mouth as he thought. Then, quietly, he said, "She's... capable. Like, always. Levelel-headed, too. And strong. But she still has a sensitive side. I could always tell when she was hurting. That was until I... became the source of her hurt. Now I just think of her smile and the way we used to talk so casually. I feel like I never appreciated how much she did for me. How much she cared."

Amadeus cracked a smile and Aurelius stopped in embarrassment. "I think you should go back to her. You need light in your life, and she sounds like that light."

"I've actually been thinking about that... since your performance. Your music. It made me see a light that I hadn't seen in a long time." Aurelius laughed at himself a little. "I even tried to write poems... even though I never really read any. Gabri— my teacher liked to recite them to me when I was young, though."

"Oh, let me hear one."

"I'm not... They're horrible."

Amadeus smiled and gestured for him to go on. Perhaps he owed it to him for the performance.

Aurelius sighed before reminding himself. "Fine. I have one that goes like..." He cleared his throat.

"The clouds are like water

Painted any color

Bright as the morning sky

Indifferent as a dark night"

Silence. Amadeus just sat there, smiling.

"Come on," Aurelius reached out to push him. "Say something."

Amadeus drank the last of his tea before bursting with energy. "I think it's great! You really missed your calling."

"Don't patronize me," Aurelius spat, regretting telling him.

"I'm not, I promise. It's authentic, I could tell."

"It doesn't even make sense. There are no green clouds."

"That doesn't matter. It came from your heart. Like music comes from mine. Equal in beauty."

"That's a lie."

"That's doesn't matter either. At the end of the day, we humans live with our hearts. Not our minds."

Aurelius let out a chuckle and shook his head. "You know you remind me of a guy I knew. Balgair was his name. I mean, he was crude and liked to smoke a lot, but he had this way of lifting me up." Without noticing it, a soft smile had grown on Aurelius' face.

"We all need someone to lift us up," Amadeus said with a smile of his own.

"Who do you have then?" Aurelius asked as he, too, drank the last of his tea.

"The idea of you," Amadeus answered, pointing a finger at his forehead.

Aurelius almost burst out, but held it in and almost choked. Amadeus stood up, seemingly concerned as Aurelius flailed back and forth.

Then there was a knock at the door. Aurelius managed to not drown in the tea and Amadeus went to answer.

It was Damian. "I found the double. All of the preparations are complete. The operation is tomorrow."