12. An Accident
The pits of hell, the place where nobody can’t hear you, where nobody will come to rescue you, where you are left all alone, to rot until you die. You want the end to come, but the moment never arrives and you are left with a miserable existence where reality blends with fantasy, and pain and joy become the same thing. In his sleep, Caruncle had ended back to the basement where he had been chained away for a decade. Why would anyone do something so awful like that? To chain a human being? Even if he was worthless, why didn't his existence just end right away? Why was his pain extended for so long? Nobody could hear him, he felt alone, so alone, he pitied himself for so long. He felt rage, so much rage that the thought of killing a human being crossed his mind, yes, he wanted to kill every single human being in existence, his rage almost drove him mad, he screamed for days and days, he remembered the pain in his hand, he remember the tears in his eyes, he remembered asking himself over and over what had he even done to deserve such a treatment. There were horrors that he didn’t have imagined until then, he had let his mind leave his body in the hopes that one day he would finally die.
And then he woke up.
It seemed to be midnight, for the whole room was dark and the lights were out. Only the pale light of the moon came through the window and no sound was heard inside or outside.
He couldn’t forget, I know he wanted to forget, but he couldn’t forget. It was impossible to believe, but he had actually left the basement, he was out, somehow. If this was the real world or not, he didn’t know, but he was starting to think it didn’t matter any longer, if his mind was giving him the opportunity to feel free again, he was going to take it. He remembered the anger he felt back in the basement, he felt angry towards Mr. Lopez, towards his family, and towards himself. He had given up but now he could feel the dry seed of his hate sprout yet again in the deep insides of his heart.
“Better not think about that yet,” he thought, he had to assess his situation. He had said yes to a man who he thought was going to kill him, but against all odds and circumstances… the man didn’t, he gave him a new life, I guess you had been somewhat lucky, you idiot man. Miracles did in fact happen in real life! What were the odds?! He had just given his approval to the most ridiculous procedure in existence for fuck’s sake! Now, he was sleeping in a foreign bed that apparently belonged to him. He was going back in his steps trying to understand how did even end in a situation like that, what did he exactly do to escape his despair? Nothing. He tried to remember what was going through his mind when he accepted the procedure, but he didn’t get anything. He just nodded to the man in an almost reflective manner, but he didn’t actually believe what the man was actually saying back then.
He always had been stupid, he had been sent into a different world because he was stupid, he had gained the hatred of his new family because he was stupid, he ended as a slave because he was stupid, he lost his ability of speech because he was stupid, but at the very least, that had been the entirety of his misfortune.
No, there was something even worse that was happening, it was what Custodio had said earlier that day, but he didn’t want to remember what it was. Now, you must apologize for my words about him, it is not my wish to insult him any longer, but right now that’s what he was thinking about himself and I was just hearing him out.
In that moment he was feeling quite anxious, he felt his heart palpitating very fast, the whole reality of the situation was falling on him like a bucket of cold water, his body was different, the place he was living was yet again one he didn't know. He had been in hell for an eternity, and now he was wearing a different shell, what the hell was happening? He panicked, afraid that he wasn’t able to distinguish reality from fiction anymore, he said to himself, “hey, I’m safe now, I have a bed again, I'm alive again,” but no Caruncle, I’m sorry, but you weren’t, you weren’t safe. He finally remembered the words Custodio said to him earlier in the day.
“Even if you don’t want to do it, you will still go with it since you have already accepted my conditions when I accepted you into my family. Once you finish your education with Mortimer and have learned proper manners, you will stop being my daughter and you will turn into my wife.”
I panicked and jumped out of the bed, the IV dropped into the floor and I pushed it away from his arm, I opened the door of the room and ran through the dark hallways of the manor, I started panting, my legs felt really sore, really sore. I wasn’t probably running faster than what a normal person walked, but I ran and I ran because I wanted to get out of the place as soon as possible. I didn’t know what was real and was not and I was about to lose my mind. I ran through a dark hallway illuminated by only the pale moonlight, but the hallway seemed endless, and after a few minutes I ended up losing my balance and fell through one of the windows into the garden. I screamed, but nothing came out.
I was twisting from pain because I had fallen into my left leg and now it was hurting horribly, I twisted over and over until I heard Mortimer coming towards me.
“Miss Elena! I heard the window break! What were you doing?”
I kept twisting over and over from pain, I heard the big steps of Custodio getting closer and closer.
“What is going on here?” He yelled
“Sir, it seems she has fallen out of the window, please, bring me the first aid kit!”
“No, I'd rather take her to her room and treat her there.”
“Alright, sir!”
Custodio took me in his arms and then I was carried over to Elena's bedroom. They injected me with something, probably something to calm me down, for the pain was dulling away, but I was also feeling sleepy again too. The ghostly mantle that always embraced me came back to me and I finally went back into my ethereal form. I realized it was me who had been controlling Ellena’s body and not Caruncle the whole time, somehow, I had possessed her and in the panic, I ran away from the place.
How did I do it? I don’t know! But it was the most surreal experience I have the memory of, it is one thing to feel things as a ghost. Sometimes it is more like being told about a sensation than actually having it at all, sometimes, your senses feel all dull and you felt more like a passenger in a cab than anything else, but this, this had felt real. I felt the pain, the fear, of what was that fear of? I don’t know, I wasn’t in my right mind when I stormed out of the place.
“How much blood did she lose?” Mortimer asked.
"The tubing broke, but thankfully, the IV and catheter remained intact. The bleeding was minimal, just a small trickle from where the catheter dislodged. As for her leg, there are no broken bones, but it seems she has some muscle injuries from the fall."
“Miss, it seems you will be alright.” Mortimer told Caruncle. “Thankfully this is just a second floor, now, can you tell us what made you run away so suddenly from your bedroom?” He handed him the small chalkboard and he started to slowly write with his right hand. I was dying to know what he would say about the event, I couldn’t quite hear his thoughts about the matter and I wanted to know if he had felt me, if he knew I was there.
“I had a panic attack.” He wrote.
“Oh, Miss!” Mortimer put his hand over Caruncle’s hand. “I must have known, you have gone through quite stressful days, it wouldn’t be weird for you to get exasperated.”
“This is my fault,” Custodio said. “I left to sleep by myself because I was tired, seeing that you didn’t have any tantrums when you woke up, I thought we could let you be for the night, I was wrong.”
“Miss, if you have any attacks like this again, you can reach me in my room, alright? It should be the one at the very end of the hallway, to the left.” Mortimer caressed Caruncle’s hand and he let himself go by the butterflies in his stomach. It was fine, he didn’t have to think about the future, he didn’t have to think about the past, he didn’t have to think about anything yet, he only had to focus on the present moment, that he was now a Miss, Miss. He was Miss Elena now, that’s what all it mattered.
“I’m going back to rest.” Custodio said, “I will need you to take care of her until the morning, please don’t leave this room.”
“Yes sir, I’ll stay here and make sure the lady can sleep well.”
“We’ll talk in the morning,” Custodio said and finally left the bedroom.
“Miss, amiss all of this, I haven’t had the chance to ask you, how are you feeling? How are you taking all this? I know that this must have been quite the ordeal for you, I want to know your feelings about the matter, is this what you wanted?”
Caruncle thought about it and slowly wrote on the small chalkboard again.
“I don’t know yet.”
Jesus you are hollow. You could have written anything else.
“I ask the brain donors if they would like to be treated as women in private because a lot of them don't like their new place in society. It helps them calm down a little when they aren't with Mr. Esparza, so now let me ask you, would you still like me to call you miss? At least, while we are alone?” What a weird question.
“Yes.”
He quickly wrote.
“Splendid! If you change your mind, you can let me know, alright? I must follow all the orders from the master of the manor, but I also like our donors to be comfortable with their new role.”
That was it, a question that could distract his mind, Caruncle took the board again and wrote.
“How many donors have gone through this?”
“Oh! Please, don't worry about any of that, I was just letting my mouth run free. But please, trust me, if you think you will be thrown away, it is not that easy, for Mister Esparza doesn't like to do surgery so often to his own daughter, you are now his daughter and please believe me when I say he does get attached to every daughter he has had. All of them that have gone through that body. He wouldn't get rid of you unless you give him a very good reason, so please, forgive him if you see him always in a bad mood, for every surgery and every donor he has gone through he has felt the pain of the death of a family member.”
Caruncle looked like he was about to ask something, but Mortimer stopped him by holding out his hand.
“If you are going to ask me what the other donors did, please remember it's all in the past, it's all in the past now and what matters is the present. I will be working for you as long as I'm alive, I will make sure that your stay in this manor is as pleasant as possible, for I am your servant, my lady.”
Caruncle blushed.
“Judging by the colors of your cheeks I will assume that you are rather fond of your new position, which makes me glad. Men that went through the procedure felt shocked, the ladies handled it better but they were still quite uneasy after looking in the mirror. I first suggested to Mister Esparza to try with a donor that had lost one of their senses or their own mobility, my theory was that recovering part of what they had lost would help them accept the procedure, but we had very little luck finding any donors like this, for disabled people aren't preferred as slaves around these areas. Then, I suggested Custodio to find someone like you. I'm really happy we managed to meet, my dear.” He told her, while caressing her cheek, his hand was very wrinkly and even cold, but she was feeling happy with the gesture while it also grounded her in the present moment.
“Now, please go back to sleep, Miss Elena, for tomorrow will be your funeral.”
Caruncle got startled, he looked at the man and felt a chill down his spine.
“No need to be afraid, miss!” He chuckled. “I'm talking about your old body, it has been laying on its coffin for three months, but we have been waiting for you to do the funeral ceremony. It is always an important part of the process since we feel it will help you enter into the role of this new life we have given to you.”
Caruncle looked down, thinking about what he was going to see.
“Most of it might be already decomposed, but we made sure to conserve it to keep it as recognisable as possible, so you can properly say goodbye.”
Caruncle looked at Mortimer with a sense of wonder, he was asking himself if the man was just messing up with him, but if he wasn't, wouldn't he actually like to see that body rotting away to finally be buried with the rest of the worms on the earth? No, wait, those were crass thoughts.
“Ha,” Mortimer smiled, “I like that look in your eyes, now, go back to sleep, I'll be sitting here on this dusty old chair, making sure you have sweet dreams, trust me, if you have any more nightmares or uneasy sleep, I'll wake you up, okay?”
Caruncle finally lied down and closed his eyes. Before he fell asleep again, I looked outside and paid attention to the moonlight for a little while. With how bright the night felt, the outside didn't feel so scary. I only had to focus on the present moment and I was able to keep my mind at ease. Caruncle did the same, and then, he managed to get asleep. Myself though? I was still curious, because what had just happened that night left me in deep thought. I had managed to possess Caruncle, I had gained control of his body and, even if for a little while, I went back to the land of the living. He hadn't even noticed! That idiot hadn't noticed at all! How it had happened, I didn't know, I didn't know, but the ideas were now creeping in. I thought that maybe I could… do it again? Maybe if I tried somehow? It felt wrong, it obviously felt wrong, but to feel alive yet again… in that moment I thought that, even if it was just for one night, feeling alive one more time would be worth anything in the whole world.