I’m Planning to be Killed by the Heroine

Actually, I knew.
Very well at that.
Light disguised as information spreads faster than anything else, stuffing itself into the brains of the masses.
“Kyaaah!!”
“Hee, heek!”
“Fuck!! It’s that bastard!!”
“E-Everyone run away!!”
As if on cue, they distance themselves. They move away. Like a big rock plunging into a calm lake surface with a splash,
Waves splash, selves splash, emotions splash, and everyone floats in the air avoiding the big rock.
They don’t splash towards me.
People move away, the scent of life moves away, actions move away. They break away from me, struggle, and run away.
Only cold air hits me.
It hurts.
“······.”

“Mom····.”
“It’s okay. It’s okay.”
“I-I just called the police····!”
When did so many people gather here? Surely there was no one when I came in.
Fear, dread, depression, desperation, urgency.
It’s scary. I see eyes. We make eye contact. It’s as if they’re shouting at me.
Murderer, beast, psychopath, blood-crazed bitch, death, madness.
Without realizing it, I avoided their gaze. I opened my mouth but nothing came out.
My brain reacts, trying to escape from some unknown thing. Once again, thoughts are crushed as disgusting circuits turn.
I tried hard, I really tried hard, I’ve been trying so hard to become more human until now, really. Really. Really.
I don’t know.
Suddenly, I feel melancholic.
It’s noisy. The commotion is loud. The wind scatters and hits me. I stand still like an idiot at the center of it all, then and now.
“Ha, haha.”
I don’t know. Why did it turn out like this? Where did it start?
From the self that got used to murder under the pretext of mental illness.
To their cold and haggard gazes looking at me, to the boiling gazes of those who want to strangle me right away.
To the riddled condemnation and rising criticism.
I calmly adapted and indifferently acquiesced, accepting that I was trash, an idiot, a vicious beast.
At some point.
After I started repeating that I was human and spouted delusions like “I’m going to change”, did light start entering my body too, did the day for sunlight to shine on the blood-red paths of the dark alleys I walked every night come?
Even if depending on drugs, even if self-justifying it as a wretched fate, did my daily life start changing due to my proud movements?
I thought like that.
Because I’m different from before, because I’m keeping to three people a day.
Because hesitation takes root and self takes root and it becomes bearable, yes. My life has become a little, a little better.
I felt that way.
Even if I end their lives by stabbing their hearts and cut off their minds by bursting their brains, even if I become covered in blood.
I justified it saying I’m changing so it’s okay. I’m not my past self.
With my status.
Isn’t that right?
Even so, nothing has changed.
Even if I try hard like a protagonist in a fairy tale, and pierce and give up my heart dozens of times to get used to the pain for a happy ending.
In the end, I, I remained the same.
The fact that I got used to killing people and lost any sense of guilt before I knew it, that in the end I was just a beast seeking pleasure.
“Please save me····. Save····. Please save me····.”
“Get a grip!! Get a grip!!”
“Just try coming here, you crazy psychopath bastard!!”
Now, here, as soon as they see my appearance, they all move away from me and run away, leave the store, stumble and fall, crawl under tables trembling and hide, this environment they’ve created.
As if the clouds have abandoned it, the sunlight is blocked and in this dark place with no one by my side, as if there’s a huge wall between them and me, this feeling.
I self-deprecate.
Because it feels like I’m just getting hit and swayed by the violence wielded by the cool and cold air left alone.
It’s as if laughter is saying that no matter how much you fly and crawl, in the end you’re just a bastard who feels ecstasy while swinging a blade, that to them you’re still just trash and a crazy bitch.
As if losing reason, swayed by instinct.
Being exposed to their eyes consumed by fear while standing still like an idiot feels so stupid.
Because it’s piercingly lonely and disgusting and makes me want to vomit.
Without realizing it, I shed tears.
Until now I was always alone, but it was okay, why am I like this now.
I just don’t know. I tried so hard.
I’m really such an idiot.
Unable to endure the welling up emotions, I turned my steps and ran out of the store. I turned my head away from them and ignored the sunlight shining on me.
I run away again.
I run from people, break away from reason, and distance myself from reality.
I don’t know what I’m afraid of. Still, my breathing convulses.
I don’t know what I’m being swayed by. Still, my steps are fast.
It’s a wretched life.
Have I ever resisted even once?
Have I ever faced fate like in a fairy tale?
I committed murder and brainwashed myself saying I’m still human. I couldn’t maintain reason and was obediently swayed by instinct.
I justified death saying it’s because of this rotten body and abandoned my self.
I lost emotion, fell into depression, and stopped at resignation.
Except when swinging a knife, I didn’t show any movement trying to do anything.
[ Aureli. ]
My vision clears. My vision turns red. Actually, I know. No tears come out.
It’s not that I’m forcibly holding back like a child. It seems there are no tears to come out.
The sun is bright. The ground it shines on is hot and heat rises. The air currents are strong and shake suddenly as if flaunting their presence. Noise rings loudly and fluctuates.
But the world is dark. It’s faint like life struggling at the edge of an abyss. It’s chillingly cold and cool. It freezes the skin and makes me close my mouth.
[ Take a deep breath, Aureli. Slowly breathe in and out. Don’t think about anything, just focus on breathing. ]
My vision shakes and lowers. I clutch my stuffy chest and sit down on the ground. My head throbs. I don’t know anymore. Anything.
My existence, my footsteps, this world.
Not a single thing has changed.
[ You don’t need to forcibly grasp onto something. You don’t need to be buried in anything. Just quietly, quietly breathe. You don’t need to think about anything. ]
“Haah····. Ha····.”
I hear a loud noise. I raise my gaze.
The gate.
I prop up my trembling body and stand. Relying on my breath, my vision clears a bit. The scar of sin rooted in the air is opened.
Magical beasts pour out and magical powers flash. People fighting against them fall one by one. They’re swept away by beams and circle in the air.
Blood splatters and screams fill the space. The voices of life fade and disappear.
They fall miserably but no one helps them. One by one, they kneel emptily.
They don’t stand up. They don’t even think about it. They don’t have the strength for it.
Just quietly, they accept their fate.
As if, as if I’m there too.
No, shouldn’t I be there too?
Without realizing it, I moved my legs and walked. But I soon stopped.
Because I saw light.
A huge magical beast in the form of a demon has its body pierced by a beam. It tumbles to the ground and spreads thick smoke.
A flashing blade sweeps through the area once more, and as the smoke covering the ground clears, a girl’s figure appears.
My eyes open again.
Despite the dim air and currents, her golden short hair shines brilliantly as if the sun has been planted in it.
Her snow-white eyes facing the ominous gate blaze as if about to burn, flaunting her figure.
Amidst the messy commotion and chaotic feast, she clutches the countless wounds engraved on her body and once again,
Staggers to her feet.
Her black uniform that was surely elegant is torn countless times and unable to fulfill its duty, but she doesn’t seem to care at all.
Though she couldn’t even regulate her breathing, she took her stance.
Magical power flashes and over a dozen magical beasts rush at her. Sword strikes are swung and sharp magical power crushes their limbs.
Wings are torn and skin is cut off.
Meanwhile, a golem right behind the girl kicks her.
The girl is slammed into the wall and collapses. The golem’s core flashes and heterogeneous magical power wraps around its body.
With the golem’s resounding roar, the area shakes. The girl coughs, plants her hands on the ground and dry heaves a few times, then staggers up covered in red blood.
She points her sword and charges. The golem’s arm, as tall as the girl, slashes through the air. The sword deeply pierces the core, and with a scream that seems to break, the golem’s body explodes.
The girl seems to lose strength and sits down. She leans on her sword stuck in the ground, then opens her eyes again after a few breaths.
A winged magical beast that had been fluttering immediately rushes in. The girl’s abdomen is gouged by huge claws, but she grits her teeth and raises her sword. A beam flashes and pierces right into the magical beast’s heart.
The magical beast decomposes into dust as if scattering in the air.
The girl collapses as if falling forward. Every part of her body is torn and gouged, not intact. Her breathing has long been disturbed and she keeps dry heaving.
Yet she stands up again.
She grasps her sword and lifts her head from the ground. Looking straight ahead, she kneels on one knee, then straightens and maintains her posture.
Her gaze was so beautiful. But I couldn’t understand at all what was contained in those eyes.
Whether it was an obsession with life, or a fear of death.
I couldn’t understand anything, absolutely anything.
But it was upright. It was brilliant. It was glossy and flashing.
That – the girl’s faded eyes turned towards me.
And we met gazes.
The girl flinched.
“You····!”
Looking at her, I yearned.
I briefly turned my gaze and took in the gate surroundings at a glance. The girl seemed to have almost finished, with only one staggering golem left.
“·····Hello.”
I said that and stretched out my hand. I pointed at the golem not far from me and the girl.
Magical power flowed from my hand and the dying golem was enveloped in red light.
As if a machine malfunctioning, the golem’s head was forcibly twisted and straightened. Red horns grew on its head and its core shone.
Air currents swirled around the golem.
The golem let out a resounding noise.
The girl was flustered.
“Do your best.”
“Y-You crazy bastard!!”
A fist plunges towards the girl and tears through the ground. The earth shakes and shockwaves spread. The girl barely dodges and regains her sword stance. The golem swings its arm. The air currents shake and the air sharpens.
The quality of the wind changes and the girl spews blood. The golem then throws a punch and the girl is hit and sent flying.
The golem walks over with large strides and throws down its fist. Light flashes and a beam cuts off the golem’s arm. The golem screams like a machine and steps back.
The girl staggers out from the collapsed debris. Blood pools in her mouth and her skin all over her body is not just torn but split. Her hand clutches her abdomen. She twitches like a pitiful reed. But her sword still points at the golem.
She grits her teeth and charges at the golem. The golem that had been hesitating stops suddenly. Then it quickly gathers strength in its fist. It swings.
Unable to respond to the suddenly increased speed, the girl is hit in the solar plexus and slammed into the back wall. It was the same place where she had collapsed earlier.
The girl tries to stand but collapses again. She twitches, then sits down again and kicks up dust.
I approached her. I cleared away the swept-up debris and crouched in front of the girl.
Is this the end?
“Is it hard?”
Crunch.
A sound like teeth grinding was heard. The source was her. Faint colors gathered and surrounded her body.
“I, I told you····.”
Her voice seemed tired, but it felt just as strong.
She slowly raised her face. Her face was covered in blood and her hair was severely disheveled. But her eyes were not. Her body that seemed about to crumble while trembling was not either.
It was directed straight ahead. It was emitting a longing for something.
“I will definitely····. Tear you apart····.”
Even as she spewed blood while coughing, I couldn’t understand.
Severe injuries that showed bone had consumed her entire body. Her abdomen had long been gouged and covered in blood, and her body trembled as if recalling the memory of wounds.
But despite that, she stood up. Even though it would be easier to just give up, faint, and lose consciousness, she planted her feet and straightened her upper body.
“So just quietly, urp, hup, wait····.”
At her cracked voice, her gaze turned towards the people fleeing from the golem and the buildings exploding with roaring sounds.
The wind blew again. Light brushed past and tickled the tip of my nose.
I hurriedly turned my gaze to the girl who had rushed in.
The golem’s fist cut through the air and the girl’s sword strike directly hit the golem’s body. The golem screamed and made a roaring sound. The girl’s skin was torn off and spewed blood, but she thrust her sword and cut off the golem’s remaining arm as well.
Her head drooped as if she had reached her limit. Her knees trembled as if about to break and touched the ground.
I still couldn’t understand. Why she went that far, why she had that look in her eyes.
It was full of unknowns.
The golem’s kick headed towards her. It wasn’t that strong, as if its strength had hit bottom. The girl was hit on her shoulder and staggered.
The girl staggered and stood up again. Her whole body glowed as if squeezing out something. Soon after, light flowed into her sword.

It was dazzling enough to devour even all those unknown questions. My nerves and senses were somehow all directed towards her. My gaze tried to grasp her and my brain yearned for her.
Seeing her plant her feet and stand up even after collapsing under massive power, I opened my mouth and started drooling.
The tenacious scent of life that never breaks even if it collapses once was not just thrilling, but even ecstatic.
She was different.
The golem kicked repeatedly. It hit the girl’s abdomen and chest countless times and exploded. The girl staggered and spewed blood. Her whole body was split, torn, and gouged. Yet she didn’t let go of her sword.
The girl’s sword glowed. It drew in the surrounding air currents and created a convergence of air. Wind and light swirled around the sword, creating a ring.
With that, the girl thrust her arm. The sword that pierced the golem’s core in one strike penetrated the golem. The golem’s body shattered and pieces flew in all directions.
“Heh..”
Even in that fleeting moment when the girl smiled, after one heave and spewing blood, until she collapsed on the ground.
I endlessly, just watched her like that,
The sight of her finally crushing the golem’s core tightly in her hand,
With a smile that seemed about to tear.