NOVEL WEB Chapter 47
Trauma.
Medically, it refers to “injury,” categorized into psychological trauma and physical trauma.
Originally, it comes from the classical Greek word τραῦμα (trauma), meaning ‘wound,’ and the Latin term Trauma means a major wound.
However, in modern times, the term is used more often for psychological trauma rather than physical trauma. It signifies the symptoms experienced when one feels the emotions from a frightening moment experienced in the past, leading to psychological instability.
Yujin brought this up for a reason.
“As I mentioned earlier, Your Highness, if the Princess does not grow mentally strong, the chances of defeating the Demon’s Ego become significantly lower. Therefore, understanding and addressing your mental instability can be quite beneficial.”
“…”
“I apologize for bringing this up, but as you may know about me, I also have my own information about the Princess.”
With that, Yujin continued with a somewhat cautious tone.
“I hear that as a child, you witnessed the Crown Princess being murdered right before your eyes.”
“…Yes, that’s true.”
Elysia responded, trembling both in body and voice despite her efforts to calm herself. Her voice trembled just as much as her body and eyes.
“You have nothing to apologize for. This story is… quite well-known. The Crown Princess who was killed due to political strife and the young Princess who witnessed it… While people generally avoid discussing it, many are aware of this fact.”
“……”
“And… yes, it’s necessary. I know that the Demon’s Ego shows scenes of my mother’s murder in my dreams every day. I understand that I am particularly vulnerable regarding that aspect. I must overcome it… I have to…”
“Your Highness.”
Thud.
Elysia, with a somewhat precarious expression, continued speaking. Yujin placed a comforting hand on her shoulder.
“…Ah.”
“Look into my eyes. And take a deep breath.”
When Elysia met Yujin’s gaze, he was already wide awake. Elysia took a deep breath, staring intently at him, whose eyes often turned into slits when she was near.
“…Hah.”
And as she exhaled, her expression gradually improved. Yujin spoke.
“First, I apologize for inadvertently poking at a painful spot. And Your Highness, I do not intend to push you to overcome that experience.”
“…What?”
When Elysia asked, Yujin continued.
“It would be great if you could overcome it, but it’s not something that can be easily done just by deciding.”
“……”
“However, if you just ignore it, it will only remain a weakness. Therefore, I wanted to make you face it at least once. Honestly speaking, I plan to keep making you confront it moving forward.”
Elysia’s lips trembled at those words. Yujin continued.
“One day, I hope that you can grow accustomed to that experience… at least to the point where you can face it without breaking down. Whether or not that leads to overcoming it is uncertain, but I will ensure that you can at least adapt.”
“…Do you think that’s possible?”
“…May I share my story for a moment?”
With that, Yujin began to share his own experience.
“I lost my parents when I was 12 years old.”
“….!”
This sudden, shocking revelation widened Elysia’s eyes.
“They both passed away due to a kind of epidemic, leaving me as the only survivor. I can vividly remember their final moments as they lay dying in bed.”
“……”
“Though many years have passed, that day remains a painful memory for me.”
Yujin articulated his thoughts as if he were recalling something from the distance, not addressing Elysia.
“At one point, I thought I was the most unfortunate person on earth. It was unavoidable; both parents died when I was still young. It felt overwhelming to be left alone, and there were times I considered following them out of despair.”
“……”
“Yet… I am still alive today. Do you know why?”
Elysia hesitated, opening and closing her mouth before she finally spoke.
“Because you, Professor… are strong?”
“Haha, is that what you thought? Sorry, but that’s not the case.”
Yujin chuckled and shook his head.
“Honestly, I don’t particularly like myself. I tend to see myself as a stranger. I don’t love myself, and sometimes, I even speak to myself in honorifics. It feels like I don’t know the person I am.”
“……”
“There’s no way someone like that could be strong. If I don’t even love myself, how could I think of living on strongly in the face of sorrow and pain? That’s not strength.”
“…Then…”
“I’m wandering, still.”
“……”
“I’m still unsure of what to do, how to live, or even if I should keep living… I’m still pondering and wandering. I have ambitions in life, but whether they are reasons to live is debatable.”
Yujin smiled faintly as he continued.
“I’m still plagued by confusion and distress. It’s that confusion and distress that keeps me alive.”
“……”
“I haven’t overcome anything. Sometimes, I dream of sharing a meal with my parents, laughing together. It’s painful to wake up from those dreams, but that pain and sorrow are like markers and companions in my long journey of confusion and distress. I can neither separate them nor wish to. I might have to carry them for the rest of my life.”
“……”
“Your Highness.”
Yujin gazed into Elysia’s eyes.
Have you ever faced someone with one eye?
For Yujin, it wasn’t an entirely unfamiliar experience. Occasionally, while volunteering or working with the Awakened Ones, encountering physically disabled individuals wasn’t rare.
However, for Yujin, looking into someone’s eyes had always been more comfortable when both eyes were present.
Meeting a one-eyed person was quite different from looking into two eyes.
When looking at someone, when needed to see them, the visual field contracted significantly. It seems like there was less space than usual, forcing everything into a narrow path. The narrower the vision, the more thoughts multiplied – which often led to nonsense.
Perhaps that’s why he felt unnecessary thoughts rising while looking at Elysia.
“Please continue to ponder, Your Highness.”
“……”
“It’s alright to wander. You may crumble under the weight of sorrow and pain. Whether you take them as companions, guiding lights, or even the root cause of your distress… it doesn’t matter. By the time you start getting used to them, you will have learned to keep living until your wandering comes to an end. Distress can be both a curse and, at the same time, a blessing for the living.”
With that, Yujin smiled bitterly.
“I apologize for not being able to provide better advice. However, I cannot speak sweetly on this matter. This is all I can say and how I can share it.”
As Yujin withdrew his hand from Elysia’s shoulder, it suddenly happened.
Whoa!
“!”
Yujin blinked, taken aback by the abruptness of the moment.
“…Your Highness?”
Suddenly, Elysia embraced Yujin tightly around the neck. He was so stunned by the unexpected action that he dumbly blinked for a moment.
Her hair smelled like fragrant lilies, and her faint body scent was soothing without being overwhelming.
Yet for Yujin, it only deepened his bewilderment. Why the sudden outburst?
“…Ah, oh…!”
However, Elysia quickly realized her action and pulled back. Her face and eyes were flushed.
“I-I’m sorry, Professor! I-I did that without thinking…”
“No, um… There’s nothing to apologize for, but why did you do that? Such behavior could easily lead to scandal.”
Despite his appearance, Yujin was still a man. Having a princess suddenly embrace an outsider like this could be problematic.
If he harbored any ulterior motives, who knows what might have happened?
“Well, um…”
Elysia, blushing as she looked at Yujin with slightly teary eyes, replied.
“I couldn’t help it… it became too difficult to resist…”
“……”
What could have been so hard to resist? Yujin had no means to find out, and seeing her face, he thought better than to pry. So he simply spoke.
“I… understand. For now, let’s leave it at that.”
Honestly, he was quite clueless, but Yujin nodded and took a step back.
『…That lewd one has the audacity.』
It seemed like Tiamat was mumbling something in the background, but Yujin chose to ignore it. Though in the midst of this, he couldn’t help but think about how to appease Tiamat.
Yujin asked, “Anyway, Your Highness, it must be difficult, but could you share your story with me?”
“…Understood.”
And then, Elysia began her tale.