I’m an Infinite Regressor, But I’ve Got Stories to Tell

WeTried Translations

Translator: ZERO_SUGAR

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The Suicidal I

Have you ever, perhaps all of a sudden, for no particular reason, out of the blue and through no fault of your own, found yourself seized by a premonition like this?

――Something has gone wrong.

What, exactly, has gone wrong? That was hard to explain. Why the situation had arisen was even harder to grasp.

Not with my head but with my heart.

――Something… something truly crucial had gone irretrievably wrong.

Yes.

In short, I had recently started to sense, from somewhere I could not pinpoint, that I was utterly doomed.

"Undertaker. Good mor-ning."

"Ah, Dang Seo-rin. Good morning."

"Fuaaah. Honestly, the weather's gorgeous these days, isn't it? It used to be tricky to go walking because the fine dust turned up whenever it felt like it, but I guess even the end of the world has its upsides."

"Mm."

"Oh! One of my guild mates said the plum and cherry blossoms are in full bloom all around Beomeosa Temple. Want to go today? We could grab lunch there, too."

"Uh. Th-that sounds good. Fine by me. Yesterday and the day before we definitely tore around everywhere for flower-viewing as well—"

"What?"

"I'll pack sandwiches."

"Yup!"

"…"

"What?"

"Nothing. I was just going to ask what kind you'd like."

"Hey, anything tastes good if you make it!"

"Right."

…Dang Seo-rin was acting strange.

Granted, Dang Seo-rin had always been strange.

Whenever the impulse to travel or play hit her, not even the entire Samcheon World guild charging in could stop her.

But—

"Isn't the frequency kind of weird…?"

And that wasn't all.

No matter how much spontaneous wanderlust she possessed, ever since we entered the 1,000th cycle the intensity had ramped up.

"Undertaker! Good mor-ning."

Last winter she suddenly wanted to see Hokkaido's Christmas tree, so the two of us went off on a Japan trip (post-apocalypse Japan boasts S-class travel difficulty, let me repeat).

And that wasn't all.

"Undertaker, another glo-rious mor-ning."

Last summer she whipped up a giant water park at Haeundae with magic, rented the whole thing for the two of us, and splashed around all night long.

And that wasn't all.

"Good moooorning, Doc!"

A fortnight ago she actually resurrected the National Singing Contest, took contestants from every guild and faction, built a special stage in Tower of Babel Square, plunged all of Busan into a frenzy—and then hauled me onstage for the final duet.

"Undertaker! Goo—"

"Today is a very—"

"Good morning!"

Every single day. Day after day after day after day.

Almost daily, Dang Seo-rin dreamed up and carried out wild events.

By now even the narrator from the TV show Master of Living would be running in "having fun" mode.

Thanks to her, the citizens' happiness index had been soaring like a civilisation devouring every last luxury resource.

"Huu. She really shows up at dawn every single day to offer a morning greeting…"

Of course one particular Busan citizen (a former level-7 public servant) who harboured fundamental doubts about the idea of "happiness" had a different view.

"I can't even tell whether she belongs to Samcheon World or the National Road Management Corps anymore. Wouldn't it be simpler if the two of you just lived together?"

"…I apologise, Director Noh Do-hwa. I'll just go down to the Samcheon World station every morning, say hello and come back."

"Well, I didn't mean to nit-pick quite like that… anyway, it's none of my business. Show us some fancy footwork, will you…?"

"?"

Yes.

For some reason, in the 1,000th cycle Dang Seo-rin seemed to have jammed the button marked "Change course: massively strengthen diplomacy with Undertaker."

I had no way of knowing it yet, but it actually hadn't started only in the 1,000th.

Since the 1,000th cycle—and onward—it had been this way without a break.

"Why on earth?"

"I eliminated every opening for a butterfly effect, didn't I?"

Confusion upon confusion.

In the end, unable to stand it, I once leaned on the courage alcohol lends and asked her point-blank.

"Seo-rin, why are you trying so hard to spend time with me?"

"Hmm. I can't help it. I keep hearing good music from you."

"Music?"

"Mm-hm."

I already knew Dang Seo-rin intuitively perceived the world in terms of sound.

Still—was the music she sensed from me, Undertaker, really that good? From a normal standpoint it was absurd. How good would a song have to be to shrink the distance between two people overnight?

"Here."

Pok.

She extended her arm and pressed a fingertip to my chest.

"From right here—truly. I hear a wonderful sound. Part humming, part a cappella… It really calms my heart."

Then, cheeks flushed with drink, she laughed he-he, completely fearless.

"When I'm beside you, it feels as if lies and bluffing vanish on their own. So, I like it."

"………."

Alert alarm.

According to the special laws of the Republic of Korea, the person in charge of an alert alarm—a civil-defence warning issued when enemy attack is expected—is Doridori Dad, the beaver who has mastered the greatest Sound Technique inBonobono[1].

Even if an enemy launches an unexpected "heart-thump attack," Doridori Dad's alert must be triggered, and Doridori Mom must immediately be dispatched to whack every hostile entity on the shins.[2]

The end.

If it wasn't obvious from that nonsense, my brain's language centre was in total panic.

"Dang Seo-rin! What's going on? I don't think we were ever this close!"

And that wasn't all.

[Hello, Mr. Undertaker.]

[Good morning.]

At some point, every time I woke up a Saintess-brand KakaoTalk arrived as though she'd been waiting.

"Ah, yes."

At first I didn't think much of it.

The Saintess is the one who granted humanity's wish to "subtract sleep time from our lifespan," so having cast off sleep she can run [Clairvoyance] twenty-four hours a day. Working out when I got up was trivial.

The problem came next.

"Saintess, good morning to you as well."

[…….]

"Saintess?"

[…….]

"Um."

[…….]

"…"

[…….]

"…Good morning, Ms. Ye-ji."

[Yes. I hope you have a pleasant day too, Mr. Undertaker.]

"Right…"

Why on earth!

Why (why)! how come (how)! for hundreds of cycles the Saintess had never fussed over names yet (why)! starting with the 1,000th cycle (why)! she suddenly cared about forms of address (why)!

While the refrain echoed in my skull, I clutched my head.

"So you came to me for counselling…?"

Oh Dok-seo muttered, chewing a cheese stick.

"Yeah."

"Hm. You picked the right woman, mister. I don't know how you found out, but I happen to be a dating master."

"Really?!"

"Sure. I've cleared thirty-six classic dating sims and twelve of the latest."

"…"

"Oddly enough the heroines I support never get their own routes, but that's not my fault—the scenario writers have no taste."

"What is your favourite heroine inTsukihime[3]?"

"Satsuki[4], obviously."

"Tsuki ni Yorisou Otome no Sahō?"

"Nanami[5]."

"Who's the true strategist—Zhuge Liang, Pang Tong or Xu Shu?"[7]

"If I must pick, Beopjeong[8]."

"…"

And here I was forced to rely on a lunatic with terminal Sub-Heroine Syndrome.

Again I wondered if my long regressor life had gone wrong somewhere.

"Why? You've got others."

"Could you ask Ah-ryeon?"

"Ah."

"Would you get a straight answer from Yu Ji-won or Noh Do-hwa?"

"There's Ji-soo."

"You want me to dump this on a kid who's busy healing awakened folks' trauma? I'm human too."

"Mm."

Oh Dok-seo folded her arms and thought.

"What about Mr. Seo Gyu?"

"He's the Saintess's mole."

"Ah."

"Every day he says 'Boss, my lips are sealed,' and the next morning the Saintess already knows. It's happened more than once."

"What about Ha-yul?"

[ABSOLUTELY OPPOSED!]

Flash.

The instant Lee Ha-yul heard my dilemma she grabbed her sketchbook and launched a picket protest.

[OPPA NO REMARRIAGE!]

"Wait, remarriage? Old man, you've never been married, right…?"

Oh Dok-seo glanced at me.

"Of course I haven't! The most fatal cliché among the 108 ways to break a regressor's heart is falling in love or having a child, only to have the memory erased in the next cycle! I'm not insane!"

"But you do have those 'non-existent memories' from before the fourth cycle."

"…"

Oh Dok-seo poked a finger.

"You sealed the people closest to you first with [Time Seal]. Odds are high you sealed your spouse first."

"…At the very least, no such memory exists!"

"Huum. Interesting."

[ABSOLUTELY OPPOSED!]

[Oppa is too valuable for anyone ordinary.]

[If Oppa dies, civilisation rebuilding collapses—proved as follows.]

[If the Saintess dies, we can last twenty years. If Dang Seo-rin dies, no problem. BUT Oppa? We start by surrendering Pyongyang, Seoul and Sejong to the monsters. QED.]

[If you must remarry, I recommend this puppet. Highly capable, all-purpose.]

"No. Are you nuts? That doll maid is secretly your mother."

[I don see a problem?]

"Hm."

"Now you see why Ha-yul never made the counsellor shortlist?"

"Okay. Got it."

Oh Dok-seo made a wry face.

"Turns out I'm the only colleague with a neutral viewpoint."

"Exactly. That's why Seo-rin noona and the Saintess keep looking after you."

"Gasp. That was why?"

Oh Dok-seo was shocked.

"I thought they spoiled me because I'm cute!"

"…"

Strange. Why do I have so little luck with people?

"Excuse me."

While we were still deep in discussion a small voice spoke. All three of us—me, Oh Dok-seo and Lee Ha-yul—whipped our heads around.

There stood Cheon Yo-hwa, the elder twin, wearing an ambiguous smile.

"I'm happy you dropped by, Sunbae, but barging in together and chattering like a marketplace is a bit much."

"Mm."

"I get that you're in a bind, but do you have to discuss it here? Honestly this is my sanctuary—I'd like it to stay dignified and mysterious…"

Right. We were huddled in the forbidden zone where Cheon Yo-hwa had been placed under [Time Seal].

"Sorry, but there's no help for it."

"Why, Sunbae?"

"Anywhere else, even a sealed room, the Saintess can peep in with [Clairvoyance]…."

"Ah."

Cheon Yo-hwa's brows drew together.

"Didn't she usually stop when you asked her not to watch? That's how I remember it."

"She did, but for some reason in this cycle she keeps watching. Just my impression, but."

"Hu-u-m."

One eye closed—her thinking habit.

"…True. Up till now she surrendered on her own, so it was odd. In fact she has the biggest advantage."

"Biggest advantage?"

"Yes. She knows every weakness of the people around you. She knows who said what, who did what."

Cheon Yo-hwa gave a tiny snort.

"She always looked calm and blank, so I could never read her. Turns out it was only a matter of time."

"……?"

"It's just my little sneer, Sunbae."

She smiled with her eyes.

"Instead of worrying, why not treat this as a chance?"

"A chance?"

"Yes, a chance. Once you've conquered the entire Void, you'll have to try the romance you've kept off-limits, right?"

"Uh-huh."

"When that day comes, how will everyone react? That, too, may be knowledge a regressor needs."

Is that so?

"And since it's the 1,000th cycle, your vacation run, why not…"

Cheon Yo-hwa beamed.

"…conduct one experiment. Try a 'fake' romance, just once."

Footnotes:

[1]Bonobono (ぼのぼの)– A long-running four-panel manga by Mikio Igarashi that began serialization in 1986. It follows the laid-back everyday antics of a young sea-otter and his woodland friends and has been adapted into multiple TV anime series (1995; 2016-) and a 1993 theatrical film.

[2]Doridori Dad / Doridori Momare a beaver couple from Bonobono. Doridori Dad is famed in-series for his exaggerated head-wagging "dori-dori" shout; here they are jokingly cast as Korea's civil-defence alert team.

[3]Tsukihime (月姫, "Moon Princess")– A 2000 adult visual novel by Type-Moon that laid the foundation of the Nasuverse; remade in 2021 as Tsukihime –A piece of blue glass moon–.

[4]Satsuki Yumizukais a minor classmate character in Tsukihime. Fan adoration for Satsuki's brief screentime spawned the long-running meme "Give Satsuki a route!" because she had no dedicated romance path in the original game.

[5] 달에 다가서는 소녀의 작법 (月に寄りそう乙女の作法,Tsuki ni Yorisou Otome no Sahō; common Korean abbreviation "달작법") – A 2012 Japanese PC visual novel by Navel, often rendered in English as The Etiquette of the Girl Who Approaches the Moon. The story follows a boy forced to cross-dress and serve as a butler in an elite girls' school.

[6]Nanami Nanaiis a side-heroine fromTsuki ni Yorisou Otome no Sahō; a devoted maid whose popularity belied the fact she, too, lacked a full romance route until later fandisc content.

[7]Zhuge Liang, Pang Tong, Xu Shu– Historical strategists from the 14th-century novel Romance of the Three Kingdoms. Thanks to Koei Tecmo's Romance of the Three Kingdoms and Dynasty Warriors game franchises, modern players debate which adviser was Liu Bei's "true" mastermind—the very topic parodied in the dialogue here.

[8]Beopjeong, born Pak Jaecheol, was a Buddhist monk and writer from South Korea.

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