I Wish You Were Never Reborn

Shay had to be careful. As close as she was to Aquila, anything she said to her had the possibility-- the likelihood to become public knowledge, sub-24 hours.

The lost memories? Dangerous. And she didn’t want Aquila to think her brain was deteriorating.

The blood on her bag? That was perfect for gossip, so even more dangerous-- and she’d need to explain just why she didn’t know where it came from. Not a good idea.

The mysterious man...

That seemed reasonably safe. And that’s what Aquila was interested in, to begin with.

“I met this guy,” Shay said quietly. “He... saved me when I was in trouble.”

She left out a bit of information-- like the fact that she didn’t know that he saved her, for sure. (But that’s what she chose to believe.)

“OooOoh,” Aquila sang, “Did you fall in love at first sight? Or was it after he whisked you off your feet?”

“Both,” Shay sighed.

“Oh, wow,” Aquila grinned. “So what’s his name? Is he Chinese or...”

Shay sucked in air through her teeth, “I... have no idea-- to either question.”

“Ooo...kay, then,” Aquila said. “How do you not know? Did you forget to ask?”

“He uh... he didn’t tell me,” Shay said, looking away.

She keeeeeenly remembered asking the mysterious man if she could touch his eyes.

Her shame knew no bounds.

“He’s definitely Asian, though,” Shay added. “Or... something... Asian-ish. Light skin. Dressed really nice.”

“You’re losing me~” Aquila yawned.

“Silver hair!” Shay exclaimed.

“So you got saved by... some old guy?” Aquila said, thoroughly disappointed, “Maybe he was trying to kidnap you-- eat your liver?”

“No, he was... I think... our age? Maybe a little older. College?”

“Mmmm. I dunno~” Aquila hummed, “Silver’s pretty hard to pull off.”

“He pulled it off really well!” Shay insisted, “You don’t understand.”

“I mean... I’d have to meet him, I guess,” Aquila shrugged. “So when are you gonna introduce me?”

“That’s... the problem. I... don’t know the first thing about him. He wouldn’t tell me his name. I have no idea what he does.”

“But you’re planning on finding out,” Aquila said.

Shay pouted, nodding wistfully.

“So you can express your eternal, undying love?” Aquila asked.

Uh.

Well.

“I just... I dunno,” Shay sighed. “Not exactly? Maybe-- at least... so I can give him a thank you card or something?”

And she didn’t tell Aquila-- but she was determined to at least return his snake pin.

It was... an important key to her personal mystery. But... it was also proof of their connection-- a little secret only they shared.

“And in the cAaArd...” Aquila sang, “That’s where you’ll profess your eternal, undying love? Gonna write a poem? A soNneT? OooOoh-- a ballad.”

“I don’t even know what a ballad is,” Shay said, laughing quietly.

The rest of that hour was spent with Aquila going through her dad’s cassette tape collection of classic Indian ballads.

And the rest of the night was a blur. They talked a bit more about the most random things. Aquila went to play with her siblings or cousins. Shay studied as much as she could-- even past an exhausted Aquila going to bed at 8 PM exactly.

It was the most relaxing night she’d had in a long time.

And especially with so much going on in her life, she was glad she had at least one friend to support her.

The next day came, with precious little sleep to gain from it. But going to sleep exhausted had the glorious benefit of her nightmares being filled with chemistry equations instead of her own cringe moments.

Shay walked downstairs, dodging elementary schoolers on her way to the living room.

Aki’s dad was watching the morning news... as older folk tended to do.

She greeted him with a polite, “Good morning, Mister Davey!”

That got her a nod of acknowledgment and a rough grunt before he returned his attention to the TV.

That was actually more than Shay expected-- so that was nice. That was the extent of their interactions... and it was consistent to how he... ‘spoke’ to the rest of his family.

Aquila definitely got her expressiveness from her mom.

Since Shay was still waiting for her best friend, she stood awkwardly behind the couch, watching the other Davey kids rush out the door, taking in the scents of foreign herbs and Indian incense...

She didn’t care for the news. It was always so depressing, hearing about wars halfway across the globe she couldn’t do anything about, horrible accidents in local neighborhoods--

“Is that your school?”

Shay’s mind blanked for a moment, hearing Aki’s dad make a complete sentence.

Shaking herself out of it, she paid attention to the TV.

The headline read... that a a body had been found?

Oh, no.

Someone died?

The reporter onscreen was interviewing one of her classmates.

She was sobbing as she tried to answer the callous reporter’s questions.

The sight of it broke Shay’s heart. It was the girl who invited her to karaoke.

The screen cut to pictures of the deceased.

James Price.

No. Her mind went fuzzy, her fingers cold... she felt like her insides were free-falling in a vacuum.

Not James...

Old pictures... of him as a child, him with his family... the picture on his school ID.

Poor, sweet James, with his oversized glasses, gentle demeanor, and kind smile?

She’d just talked to him yesterday!

How could he--

Who in the world could be so cruel?

Xue Yan walked to school with Aquila, feeling a new and never-before-felt sense of misery and guilt.

...and then Aquila left her. She found a more interesting gaggle of friends, so it was natural for her to flit away. Shay trailed behind them, keeping a neutral expression, walking with her back straight and devoid of emotion.

--”Did you see the news this morning?”

--”Yeah-- it was crazy! Did you see the interview? They said the most likely culprit was aliens!”

Shay stopped listening.

Someone had died.

--and it was someone they knew.

How could they be so heartless?

Aliens? Who cared about aliens?

Why weren’t they talking about his family? --the people he left behind?

She... could at least do something as Student Council President.

She could start a fundraiser to send to his family...

...to let them know that they cared.

--to let them know that James would be missed.

The rest of the day, Shay went through the motions... taking notes, turning in her homework-- a perfect outer-shell that hid how hollow she felt inside.

And the next day.

And most of the day after that.

She found herself glancing at the empty desk beside her far too many times. Even after being adorned with flowers and cards and a framed picture of him, every time Shay looked, she felt the hole inside the pit of her stomach grow deeper and colder.

She kept trying to remember the sound of his voice.

She wondered if he might have liked her.

“Miss Yan, can I see you after class?”

Shay looked up with a hurt expression. Her favorite teacher had just called her out. It was one of the worst betrayals she’d ever experienced.

“It’s nothing bad,” Miss Ansari assured. “Don’t look at me like that.”

...Oh. That made Shay feel a little better... but still not great.

After the class ended, she sat still, watching everyone leave... holding off as long as possible before she had to talk to Miss Ansari.

And then... when it was too awkward to wait any longer, she shuffled over to her desk.

“Shay, I’m worried about you.”

Ah. That was it.

Shay felt a burning-hot tear drip down her cheek.

Miss Ansari immediately got out of her chair and took Shay into a hug.

It came as a surprise. It made her feel feelings. It made it worse.

She couldn’t remember the last time she’d been hugged.

“Be strong,” Miss Ansari said. She grabbed a couple of tissues from the wicker-covered tissue box on her desk and dabbed them at Shay’s cheeks.

“I know how hard you work,” she said. “And I can’t begin to imagine how much it hurts that Mister Price is gone... but if I know you, the last thing you want is to look like a hot mess in front of your peers.”

She was right, of course.

Shay raised her head, clenched her fists, and sniffed as hard as she could.

She choked on a sob, though. She felt relieved to share her feelings with someone, but remained mostly miserable for looking so pathetic.

“It’s important to face your feelings,” Miss Ansari said,” but while it’s important to grieve, you also have to let yourself heal. You’ve been working hard on behalf of Mister Price’s family, but you can’t ignore yourself.”

Shay took another shaky breath. She nodded to signal she understood.

Miss Ansari grabbed some more tissues, placing them into Shay’s hand.

“We can talk more after school if you’d like,” she said. “Or if not me, make sure you talk to your friends or family.”

Shay snorted.

Her one friend didn’t care to listen to anything that wasn’t interesting. To Aquila, James was just a third-place ship.

And family?

She avoided talking to her aunt as much as she could. And she wanted to talk to her uncle even less.

Maybe... Dad? No. She didn’t want to bother him.

Shay was tempted-- sorely tempted to talk to Miss Ansari.

But ultimately... she was a teacher. Teachers had a responsibility to call her guardians if anything was horribly wrong.

And then, if Miss Ansari started acting differently around her, her classmates would catch on.

Shay shook her head, “No, it’s fine. I’m okay. Really.”

Miss Ansari frowned, her gaze full of concern.

“I know I can’t force you,” she said, “but the staff room’s always open to you, Shay.”

“Yeah, I know. Thank you, Miss Ansari...”

“I’m serious, you know. You’re my favorite student.”

Shay sighed. Out of anything in their conversation, at least she had that.