NOVEL WEB CH 21: Complex
I've messed up.
I only meant to play around. Ruining a cute romantic first meeting and mess with the stupid prince a bit or something. It's just a bit of fun, a little petty revenge.
That sickening love story is what centers this hurricane called my life right?
NO, of course, it doesn't, it started much earlier than that. But it can't be denied that my sister's betrayal really took the cake. Was it ever a betrayal? I was the unwanted part in the first place, always was.
Since we've first arrived here two days ago, Erik and Lilyanne have been surprisingly close playmates.
He won't stop looking for us or following us. He is the young master of the place so it's impossible to fully refuse him. It would be too rude and out of place. In the past, we were never introduced until the engagement was set, official. Which should be in but a few days time.
The stupid prince and I were then forced to spend time together each day but what about Lilyanne? She hardly ever interacted with him that I can recall officially. The stupid prince would either stay far or have those brief rescue encounters.
They were childhood sweethearts but they weren't friends or anything. I don't even know when or how they seriously fell for each other. But they did down the line.
And here I've set them up even earlier. With the public first encounter they had, the ice has been broken and there are no formalities with introductions to get in the way. They're full-on playmates at this point.
And they're sickening together.
I honestly don't think I'll be able to stop it. Those two were so foolishly in love and history will repeat itself once again. ....It killed me then.
So what if they fall in love again? So what if the engagement will be broken badly? I've made plans! I'm prepared this time. I won't just be dragged and tossed aside again. Right?
Right?!
Rosalia was used to loneliness. I think a good amount of people are to some extent, no matter another world or time. Some handle it better than others no matter the weight. Some crack at the slightest pressure.
Rosalia had cracked and crumbled and then glued the pieces together the best she could. She painted herself over in bold beautiful colors and set sail as if she has been never broken before. It looked good, it looked really really good. She lived lavishly, so glamorously that it stirred the envy in many hearts. But it wasn't enough against the metaphorical waves and the rain. She wasn't enough and then she was too much.
I don't need Rosalia's past memories to know what it feels like to drown. To all at once be too much and yet not enough. My ordinary life was more than enough for that.
And then I died.
I speak about the past Rosalia as if she's another person that I've just taken over. I do so because I'm scared of otherwise losing myself. How do I tell where she and I start, where we end? The truth is as time goes on, I'm beginning to confuse myself.
What is me and what is her?
Was there even a line?
The more time goes on the more I don't think there even was one. I'm so scared of drowning in the same mistakes again, all of them from every lifetime.
Every one.
When I was reborn my soul, or whatever they call it, didn't replace her. I didn't just fill an empty exited space. It was so painful of an experience that every time I woke up that first day I forced myself to fall unconscious again until it was over.
Sometimes I still feel the whiplash of that time.
When I first came here, was first born two years ago, it was like having all my veins pumped and filled with molted metal. Like a cadaver to be toxically preserved and put on display. It was having my entire body and soul forced squeezed into a far too small coffin to be buried alive.
If I don't refer to her as someone else how can I cope with those memories, her memories? The tragic life of that dead girl is too haunting. Like our souls I think our fears, insecurities, and traumas have mixed and fused into something that could be potentially worse.
Don't Ignore Me
Don't Ignore Me
Don't Leave Me
Don't Hate Me
That's what starts it, the ignoring, the neglect. Hey hey stop it, stop ignoring me. I'm right here! I'm here so don't act like I don't exist, it's fine if you yell or hurt me just don't....ignore me.
I expect it soon enough from mama and papa. I expect it from the stupid prince. Hell I'll even expect it from this whole damned world! I know it's going to happen and I'm ready!
But that part of Rosalia is just so damned scared.
Don't ignore me, don't ignore me, please I'll be good just don't ignore me again. Don't ignore me.
God that voice is so hatefully annoying! Just shut up already! Shut up!!!
I wish I could kill it so it would just shut up. But I don't know anymore how much of it is just those past memories and how much of it is all me. We're the same now. That haunted ghost like girl and I are the same person.
Everything is already starting and I'm going to die again. But before that it will be a very painful and lonesome life. It's starting, this life that I found worse than death.
I'll be invisible again.
Though I fight it at every turn the panic won't stop rising up and out of me. It's overflowing. These shameful tears won't stop. I can only muffle my cries with my dress and hide away somewhere with no people.
Curse this small emotional body of a child.
What's the big deal, they're only playing? Can't the kids develop into friends without me having a breakdown? As long at Lilyanne is on my side I'll be fine. With her automatic support and my hard-worked plans, I'll be ok right? Better than before at least?
But this is how it starts, this is when I start to get left behind.
God why won't the shaking and crying just stop already?!
----
"Hey, are you still alive?"
An insistent poking wakes me up from my sleep and I instantly pull a grimace. When did I even fall asleep?
Shit no one was supposed to find me. How long have I been out anyways? I must have passed out from my ridiculous crying spree. Ah I want to hide away in shame. My first reaction is to indeed curl myself up even further.
The kid that found me however does not relent with the poking, I near bite the offending hand when he makes to pinch my cheek. I meant to but I missed, damn.
"Oh um so you're awake now? That's good. Everyone's worried you know?"
So what, I would have been fine. I always am, the staff here are concerned for nothing. I refuse to even give him an answer, I'm too tired anyways.
"Come on, let's get you cleaned up.."
I'm lifted upright and dusted off with small tanned hands, though they're still much bigger than my own. Rude but well whatever I'm just a kid right now. I'm still the little eldest Miss of the Ventrellas after all.
"Your grandfather's been looking everywhere for you. Ah! That's right..." the little kid trails off.
Grampa's back? And he's here? That gets my attention enough to look up. The kid isn't a servant's child like I originally thought, he's dusty and dressed like a soldier. He has on one of those dopey smiles you wear when coaxing small children. It would have worked on another child, a real one.
"I've found her! She's over here sir!" he shouts up through the bushes, hands cupping to be heard.
"Where?!" comes various voices, mostly all much older than us.
"Between the bushes and pines sir. She's safe and unharmed?" the kid tilts his head at me.
A bunch of cheers are heard, grampa must have assigned them all to search till they found me. Seriously, what time is it? I can't tell in the shade of the trees, I couldn't have been gone for more than a few hours. What's the worry?
"Report to Lord Roland!, she's in the North-West field by the property!" one of the soldiers orders.
"Good job Amar. You did well." another goes.
Mid praise from a senior officer, bursts another obnoxiously childish voice through all the green.
"Dang it! I was going to win." it complains, shouting.
"Haha it wasn't even a contest Lukas." the kid giggles back.
"Yeah yeah whatever. Good job finding it and stuff!"
"I think it's a she?"
I can't see this Lukas kid he's shouting at but I know I dislike him already by voice alone.
Sending soldiers out to search and do menial work wasn't too surprising but child soldiers too? Ah grampa may be pretty mad this time around.
I refuse to be picked up though so the kid can only let me get up and walk by myself. The child soldier offers me his hand but I have no need for such things. I just fell asleep, I'm not invalid. He simply shrugs and just lifts the branches of the bush out of my way. When I step out out my hiding place and into the clearing a sight, or should I say person, has me frozen on spot.
There in front of me must have been the other searching child soldier, the loud voice.
But I recognize him, I recognize his overly pale features and always arrogant grin. It's that guy, one of my cousin's Philippe's dear friends. One of those who would come to help kill me in the end. He would watch me die too.
"Ah they really do look alike! But this one isn't as cute as the other one somehow."
Shit.
I force myself to breathe again but it comes out labored, uneven. If I try to hold it in it still comes out like mad hiccuping.
With my recent breakdown everything is too fresh, the fear and memories. Everything is already falling in place and time is starting to turn no matter what I do.
My time is counting down.
"Hey don't be sad. Come on you're cute. Very cute? Don't cry? He didn't mean it? You have to say sorry to the baby Lukas. There there now don't cry."
Even though I refused his help earlier he's giving me an easy exit route now. A dumb one that's normally far below me but I'll take it. The older kid picks up my now unresponsive form and I quickly hide my face away into his rough leather shirt, dirty or not. He takes my fearful trembling as a typical child's crying and pats me comfortingly on the back as he walks.
"Shhh don't cry, it's okay."
"Geez what a baby."
"The Lord commander is going to kill you when he finds out you made her cry, she is a baby."
"You're the one holding it! Why would I get blamed?"
"Hear that Rosalia, your grandfather is going to smack that bad big brother silly later. He's going to do lots of drills and get no yummy food."
"Amar!"
"It will be soooo funny when he get all the punishments. Don't you think so? So don't cry anymore ok?"
"Amar you wouldn't. Oi stop baby talking to it and oi Amar! Please don't tell Lord commander!"
I admit, that made me feel a little better.
-----
When we meet up with grampa at the main property I'm quickly taken into his over large arms like a rag doll.
"Where have you been?! Was there any danger?"
I shake my head at that. It's a reasonable fear, with kidnapping threats always being viable.
"I'm sorry. I went out and fell asleep. I'm very sorry about worrying everyone."
"You were gone the entire day! No one seen or heard from you since breakfast."
"I'm very sorry, I won't ever do it again."
It was just that bad of a day. So of course I pass out missing the same day gramps arrives too, just in time to get in trouble. Typical.
"You better not young lady, god what if something had happened?"
Nothing will happen, nothing yet at least. I would know that best. Grampa seems to sense something is wrong with me though and stops the scolding after that.
"Good job on finding her everyone! I'm sorry to trouble you like this, please return and have a good rest. A grand meal and alcohol is on me as promised!"
The scattered mixed up troops chuckle and cheer. Just another day playing under grampa's whims. Food sounds nice but somehow, despite napping for so long I just want to rest more. All I want to do is sleep, maybe for another decade, maybe more. It's just that bad of a day.
Can kids this small be so depressed?
Thankfully grampa doesn't ask anymore nor does he mention the tear marks and snot on my face. I don't think he would believe those kids if they told him I cried just because I was called uncute. I feel oddly better with grampa here though. I don't know how long I'll stay on his good side but for now here with him is the safest place I can possibly be.
I just won't ever tell him that. This grampa's ego is overly inflated enough.
Before falling back asleep in his arms I see that those kids again, they both wave towards me like I'm that random baby at the market. The annoyingly nice one mouths goodbye and I'm struck with an odd sense of deja vu.
Ah whatever.
Goodnight.
I just want to sleep and forget a little while longer.
----
