I want to become a killer

The sun was setting, painting the sky in hues of orange and pink as I made my way back home. Mara had texted me earlier, asking if I wanted to join her for dinner, but I had declined, saying I needed some time alone. In truth, I wasn't sure how to handle the emotions that had been bubbling up inside me. The encounter at the coffee shop had left me unsettled, and I needed space to sort through my thoughts.

When I got to my apartment, I closed the door behind me and sat down on the couch, staring out the window at the dimming sky. The air was thick with the remnants of the day's heat, and the room felt stifling, as though it were closing in on me. I didn't know what to think anymore.

The young man from the coffee shop had been so eager, so fascinated by my words. It had been flattering, in a way, but also deeply unsettling. He had seen something in me, something I wasn't sure I wanted him—or anyone—seeing. He had asked about the darker choices, the ones society rejected, and I had answered him truthfully. But now, I wondered if I had said too much.

I pulled my phone out of my pocket and opened the messages from Mara. She had sent a few texts after I declined her dinner invitation, asking if everything was okay. I stared at the screen for a few seconds before typing a response.

I'm fine. Just needed some time to think. I'll see you tomorrow.

I hit send, knowing that it wasn't entirely true. I wasn't fine. But I didn't want to worry her. She had enough on her plate already.

The room grew quieter, and I could feel the old hunger stirring again, deep within me. It wasn't as loud as it had been in the past, but it was there, waiting, persistent. The thought of it gnawed at the back of my mind, the shadow of the past that refused to fade completely.

I stood up and paced around the room, trying to shake off the feeling. But it wasn't easy. The hunger had a way of creeping into your thoughts when you least expected it, turning even the simplest moments into a battle.

I thought about what I had said to the young man at the coffee shop—about power, about control. It had been a vague answer, something I could live with, but the truth was more complicated. Power wasn't just something I had sought in the past; it was something I still craved. The need for control, for dominance, for the feeling of making someone—or something—bend to my will. It wasn't gone. Not yet.

I tried to push those thoughts away, to focus on the progress I had made. I had learned to suppress those urges, to avoid acting on them. I had made the choice to change, to be someone better. But how long could I keep it up? How long before the hunger overwhelmed me again?

The silence in the room seemed to press in on me, suffocating. I needed to do something. I needed to release some of this tension before it consumed me.

Without thinking, I grabbed my jacket and headed out the door. The cool night air hit me as soon as I stepped outside, a welcome relief from the stifling atmosphere inside. I didn't know where I was going, only that I needed to get out of the apartment, to escape my own mind for a while.

I walked for what felt like hours, moving through the empty streets, letting the cool breeze wash over me. The city was quiet at this hour, the streets bathed in the pale glow of streetlights. It was peaceful in a way, but also lonely. I thought about Mara, and how she was always there for me, even when I didn't deserve it. How she had stood by me through everything, even when I was at my darkest.

But I didn't deserve her. Not really. She was too good for someone like me. I had been fooling myself, pretending to be something I wasn't.

I stopped in front of a small park, sitting on one of the benches and staring at the moonlit path ahead. The hunger still gnawed at me, a constant companion, but for a moment, I could breathe. I could think clearly. I could feel the weight of my choices, and I could almost taste the bitterness of regret.

But there was no going back. I couldn't undo what had been done. The past had shaped me into who I was, and while I could choose a different path, the road ahead was never going to be easy.

I stayed there for a while, lost in thought, until I finally stood up and made my way back home. The city was quieter now, and as I walked, I felt a strange sense of calm settle over me. Maybe it was the clarity that had come with the walk, or maybe it was just the tiredness that had finally caught up with me.

When I got back to my apartment, I took one last look at my phone before heading to bed. Mara had sent me a final message before I left, asking if I was sure I was okay.

I stared at the message for a long time before typing my response.

I'm getting there. Slowly.

I hit send and placed the phone on the nightstand. As I lay down and closed my eyes, I wondered if I would ever truly be "okay." Maybe it wasn't about being okay. Maybe it was about learning how to live with the uncertainty, with the darkness, and still find moments of peace.

And for the first time in a long while, I didn't mind that uncertainty. It felt like a part of me now. It wasn't something I could escape, but it was something I could learn to accept.

I drifted into sleep, unsure of what tomorrow would bring, but certain of one thing: I would keep going.

________________________

🚨 Chapter Locked!

To read the next chapter:

🔗 Copy this link: https://unlockcontent.net/cp/i/q8320?preview=1

📖 Chapter will unlock right after. Enjoy the secrets!