I Start with a Bad Hand!

“When we first met, I behaved rudely. I told you that since you were a commoner, you’d never receive a knighthood.”

“Those mushrooms are edible.” Tristan pointed to a mushroom under the tree’s root. Icarus, who thought it was a poisonous mushroom because of its yellow leaf-like appearance, placed the yellow mushroom in the basket.

“As soon as I said that, Maria punched me right in the mouth. My front teeth fell out.”

“Luckily they were baby teeth. If they had been permanent teeth, eating with my front teeth would have been quite difficult until now.” Tristan, speaking as if the story belonged to someone else, brushed the dirt off the mushroom and put it in the basket.

“The next time we met, she said she wanted to become the captain of the royal knights. She was staring at my front teeth while saying that.”

Tristan showed his fist in a completely non-threatening manner.

“But strangely, from then on, whenever I saw Maria, my heart would start pounding.”

My heart would race, and I’d stop breathing every time our eyes met. Icarus looked at him without saying anything. Perhaps it was because he was prey standing before a predator? He swallowed the question and quietly listened.

“Maybe it was just a delusion at first… but eventually, I came to like Maria.”

With the basket full of mushrooms, Tristan emerged from the forest and looked toward a spot in the camp.

At the end of his gaze stood Maria, talking with other comrades. The bustling camp was filled only with knights in the same armor, but he could always find Maria without much effort.

“No one could help but like someone with such a clear dream.”

She is my dream. Tristan scratched the back of his head, smiling sheepishly. Their relationship, which hadn’t progressed beyond being lovers for quite some time, finally culminated just before Maria left for a promotion expedition.

Maria accepted his proposal, which consisted of music, drum sounds, a simple bouquet, and a small ring. With the ring on his finger, Tristan wandered around for a while, half-blushing and half-dazed.

The only brief conflict they had was about the wedding.

“You can prepare it alone, right?”

“What?”

“You know how important this expedition is to me. They said there’s an opening in the Third Royal Knights. If I’m to transfer, this is the perfect time.”

Speaking in a detached tone, Maria looked at the list she had made for the wedding preparations. Tristan, holding the note full of needed items, had a blank expression.

“How can I prepare the wedding without you? You’re the main character.”

“You’re the main character too.”

“I’m just the supporting role. The day will be prepared solely for you.”

Maria, who had been arranging her armor, stopped her busy hands and looked at Tristan.

“The guest list,”

“I’ve already organized it. You just need to sign the invitations.”

“The drinks,”

“I’ll fill barrels with wine. Erhen Mountain wine, right? You always drink that wine on special occasions.”

“The wedding flowers,”

“Marigolds.”

Maria now stopped talking and looked at Tristan as if to say, “See? You already know everything.”

She gave Tristan a light kiss. Seeing his hands flail in the air, Icarus instinctively hid. What the? What are those two doing?

“Let’s get married as soon as I return from this expedition. You can handle the preparations without me, right?”

“But…”

At that moment, Icarus realized that Tristan was completely caught up in Maria’s words. His body, which had slumped in disappointment, now leaned towards Maria for a different reason.

“I don’t want to keep you waiting anymore.”

Tristan’s face, which had been hidden behind Maria’s round head, appeared. His face was so red it seemed like it would melt.

“Wow…”

Adults, in broad daylight, saying such embarrassing things. Watching them, Icarus made a light gagging gesture.

When Tristan met Icarus’s eyes, his face turned even redder, looking like someone about to suffocate. Accepting Maria’s kiss without resistance, Tristan laughed with his reddened face.

Maria left, leaving behind a deep blush on Tristan’s face and a simple ring on his fourth finger. Not long after, news of the expedition’s victory spread. Rumors quickly circulated that a common knight had slain the monster troubling the Empire and that she would be named in the Third Royal Knights, one of the royal orders.

Maria achieved her dream, and Tristan found his love. However, the two never married.

Maria left only her name and honor in the world, without a trace of herself. No one but Maria had the courage to stab a sword into the throat of the monster, which only had a visible gullet.

Tristan drank all the countless barrels of wine he had prepared for the wedding by himself.

“How could she leave not even a single strand of hair behind?”

As the barrels emptied, so did the light in Tristan’s eyes. Icarus, old enough not to cry in front of others, didn’t know what to say to the adult crying so bitterly.

“…Maria wouldn’t be happy seeing you like this.”

After much contemplation, that was all Icarus could say. He wanted to bite his tongue.

“I know.”

Tristan’s hands, trembling from the alcohol, wiped his tear-streaked face. The beard he had once trimmed, saying “Maria doesn’t like beards,” now grew raggedly, covering his face.

“I always knew a day like this would come. While I stood at the back of the line, shouting and not even swinging my sword properly, Maria was the one running at the front.”

Cowards live longer. His voice cracked as he muttered, taking out another barrel.

“But I didn’t think it would come so soon. I think about it every moment. What I could have done. How I could have kept her from leaving me.”

With a face reddened and decaying from too much alcohol, Tristan spoke. The table where he always prepared neat meals was now cluttered only with empty bottles.

“But no matter how many times, a hundred, a thousand times, even in my imagination, Maria always leaves for the expedition. How could I stop her? How could I ever stop her dream?”

“Ugh,” the sound mingled with the thud of a hand hitting a chest, blending with the sobs.

“Maria could live without me, but I can’t without her… So it would have been better if I had died instead.”

She was all I had. Maria had dreams, goals, and family, but for me, Maria was my dream, my goal, my only family. Muttering, Icarus finally stopped Tristan’s hand from reaching for another bottle.

“I don’t care if she didn’t like me, or if she forgot about me…”

The intermittent sobs caused the table where Tristan lay like a grave to vibrate.

“I just wish she was still here. I just want Maria to be alive.”

With those words, Tristan sobbed again, drinking as much as he cried until he passed out.

Icarus didn’t know what to say to comfort Tristan when he woke up. He didn’t know how to lessen his sorrow. Instead, to keep Tristan from drowning in his grief, Icarus forced himself to share the drinks.

By the time the amount of alcohol Icarus vomited exceeded what he drank, Tristan awoke. He grabbed Icarus’s hand just as he reached for the next glass.

“Prince, Maria’s mother is in Johannes.”

Tristan’s drunken mumbling brought Maria up again. Icarus felt pity for Tristan but also a certainty that he wouldn’t act the same way. Losing a loved one would be painful, but living as Tristan did, having let go of everything, seemed foolish.

In retrospect, it was the arrogance of someone who hadn’t experienced loss. But back then, Icarus lived more of a life he didn’t understand than one he did.

“If I can’t look after her anymore, please take care of her, Your Highness.”

I know it’s an impertinent request. But please. She’s the last remnant of Maria in this world.

Within a few years, Tristan left the world with his face still flushed. He collapsed and fell ill at his mother-in-law’s house, where he never recovered. The will he left for Icarus, who couldn’t see him one last time due to being on the battlefield, was simple.

“Tell His Highness he must keep the promise he made to me. He will understand with just that.”

From then on, Icarus kept that promise diligently. When he couldn’t visit, he sent a subordinate to check on her. Over time, all the knights who had been there when Icarus first joined the order either died or returned to their hometowns. Maria’s mother, Tristan’s mother-in-law, became one of his last remaining connections to the past. Their long relationship ended with the obituary that came in the spring of his second year at the academy.

Now Icarus had no one left. No one to teach him how to shave, how to confess to a girl he liked, how to paint landscapes, or which mushrooms were edible.

So, knowing it was too late, Icarus visited the grave. Something that had long been planted in his heart, persistently making him lonely, seemed to bloom again.

“And, Your Highness, please take on the roles of Lord Capulet, Attendant 1, Attendant 2, the priest, the knight from the Montague family, the coachman, and Giuliano’s friend.”

“…What?”

However, life presented new challenges at every moment. The sorrow he had only endured without knowing how to alleviate was forgotten in a different way. The being that had intruded into his life taught him a new way of living.

How to act while abandoning oneself, the sound of an insect-type monster’s legs brushing against the ground, how to hide feelings of affection, how to draw portraits, and the taste of a drink called coffee that he had never tried before.

Though his life was embarrassing, every moment he was glad to be alive, that person was there. Learning while wandering aimlessly was quite enjoyable. So, Icarus didn’t notice. He didn’t realize that the feelings he once had were blossoming in that person’s heart.

When he learned through the priest what that person’s goal was, when he found out that they hated living here and would rather disappear forever, something heavy weighed down his chest. He couldn’t breathe properly, just like Tristan had felt one day.

‘I was wrong.’

Now he faced another challenge. How do you comfort someone who says they hate life? What do you say when someone says they are tired of living with motivations and goals that you can’t understand?

No matter how much he cried, threw tantrums, or begged, he couldn’t overcome the firm answers. He had long known that the harsh words were intended to prevent anyone from stopping him.

What he hated was that he found himself convinced by those words. A shameful life leeching off someone else’s. It was as if the person saw right through him, and each word they said awakened forgotten emotions within him.

But understanding and acceptance were different issues. At least for Icarus, they were. When he saw the rare, empty look in those eyes, Icarus instinctively felt he might be able to hold on to this person. In the quiet dormitory, Icarus sat alone, recalling the words of his comrade, family, friend, and mentor.

“Your Highness, sometimes in life, you come across a really strong adversary. They’re too strong to defeat with effort alone. What should you do in that case?”

“First, run away, then try to find a way to coexist.”

Ignoring Tristan’s casual response, Maria continued speaking.

“Sometimes there might be a monster that turns you to stone just by looking at it, or, hmm, a creature with blades so sharp you can’t get close. You might encounter a sphinx that won’t let you pass unless you solve its difficult riddle.”

When Icarus hesitated to answer, Maria smiled and answered for him.

“You have to use their own strength against them.”

What was the strength of the person he liked, who was smart and kind but not hard-hearted, whimsical but willing to be swept away by others?

Icarus stopped crying.