I Start with a Bad Hand!

“…I don’t understand what you’re saying.”

“Don’t lie. You know exactly what I’m talking about. Are you stupid? Why would someone as smart as you do something so foolish?”

“I’m not that smart.”

“Go to the priest right now. Didn’t he say he would try to find a way? Why are you being so stubborn?”

When I didn’t respond and just stared at him, Icarus continued to press me, frustration evident in his voice.

“Why aren’t you saying anything? Please, just answer me.”

“…What way?”

“What?”

“A way for me to keep living here?”

“Of course. Otherwise—”

“Icarus.”

I placed a hand on my lips, pausing to gather my thoughts. If I didn’t, I would end up speaking without thinking.

“This body is borrowed.”

You know that. I looked at him with a gaze that carried that message, and he took a sharp breath.

“This is the body of the girl whose hair you pulled.”

“That’s….”

“And you know how she was treated. Are you saying I should take over her body completely?”

His eyes began to shake uncontrollably.

“That’s not what I meant. I just…”

The hand that grabbed my arm in a plea was cold. I didn’t remove it, and continued speaking.

“To continue living here, enjoying everything she should have had as if it were mine. Can you tell her, the ‘real’ Dietrich, that it’s okay? ‘My friend needs your body for a bit. Is that alright?'”

“Stop. What I was trying to say is—”

“‘I know your situation is unfortunate, but you’re not alive. Isn’t it better to give your body to someone who can use it better?'”

“I never said that. Don’t exaggerate.”

“Then what is it? Telling me to stay here means staying in Dietrich’s body. It’s not much different from asking me to wither away from the inside.”

Icarus stepped back as if pushed, his hand pressed against his eyes, trying to hold back something. His eyes, now red, blinked several times before he spoke again.

“If it wasn’t me standing here, but your friends… would you say the same thing?”

Why is he bringing them up now? I responded with a question, just as he had.

“How are they the same as you?”

“Why are they different?”

His questioning was almost accusatory, and I looked at him intently. Maybe this was the moment to shatter his feelings for me completely. Like throwing a stone on a frozen lake, I spoke lightly but deliberately.

“Their feelings don’t burden me.”

“…What?”

“Their feelings are not something I can’t return. They’re not giving me a love that I can’t reciprocate, unlike you.”

His voice began to tremble violently.

“What… what do you mean by that?”

“I tried to pretend I didn’t know, but I’m sorry I couldn’t. However,” I took a breath. The words needed to come out swiftly, like downing bitter medicine. “I told you not to show it.”

As I pushed him away from my dormitory door, Icarus stepped back weakly. But just as I reached for the doorknob, he stopped me.

“You… knowing all that, how can you—”

“Don’t use force on me.”

At my words, he quickly released his grip on the doorknob. Leaning against the door, I looked up at him. Feeling the long handle pressing against my back, I slowly began to speak.

“I don’t have time right now. As you’ve probably heard, I don’t have the luxury to deal with emotions I can’t reciprocate.”

At the emphasis on “luxury,” Icarus’s eyes dimmed. He didn’t step closer, but he also didn’t step away. He remained silent, considering every word I said. After a long pause, he finally asked a surprising question.

“No time… Why?”

He seemed to chew over the words, then looked straight into my eyes.

“Why?”

For the first time in our conversation, I felt like I had lost control. I was taken aback.

‘I thought the priest had told him everything.’

…So, the priest only mentioned that I have no body to return to? He didn’t tell him that my time in this body is limited?

But I couldn’t continue this conversation. The melodramatic atmosphere was at its peak, and I couldn’t bear to take it further. As my wandering gaze finally met his, I answered.

“…It’s as I said. I need to go inside now.”

Icarus blocked the door I was desperately trying to open. I looked at him sternly.

“I told you not to use force. There are already enough people around me who think they can handle me as they please. I’d prefer if you weren’t one of them.”

His hand, which had been forcefully holding the door, slowly dropped. I turned away from him and closed the door behind me.

***

Hours later, the sky, which had been heavy with clouds, finally unleashed a downpour. The sound of the rain echoed through the quiet room.

‘This weather is only making things worse,’ I thought.

In the dark room, a small candle flickered. I was just about to resume my assignments when an urgent knock came at my door.

I got up slowly and opened the door. Even without opening it fully, I could see who it was through the gap. With a short sigh, Icarus flinched but didn’t step back. His usually neat face was a mess, drenched with rain. I let out another sigh, not bothering to hide it, and Icarus’s face twisted with hurt.

“I kept thinking about what you said. But I’m not smart enough to understand. So I went back to the priest to ask again.”

Emphasizing “again,” he glanced at my assignment notebook visible through the slightly open door, his eyes filled with disbelief. I heard a brief, bitter laugh and looked up at him.

“Get to the point.”

“I can’t accept it.”

A droplet from his wet hair lightly brushed my cheek. As I wiped my face with my sleeve, he hesitated and then stepped back a bit, to avoid getting me wet. He seemed to seek my permission, hesitating briefly before stepping into my room as I backed away.

‘I thought I explained it well enough,’ I thought to myself. Apparently, I hadn’t. Feeling a bit exhausted, I let out a sigh and answered, “This isn’t about your understanding.”

Small puddles formed from his dripping footsteps. His reddened eyes were filled with unshed tears. Steeling myself, I met his gaze head-on. Icarus didn’t back down either, staring back just as fiercely.

“The priest told me. Once the fragments of the girl inside you are completely removed, there’s no way for you to stay here.”

“I knew that.”

“But I didn’t know you were going to be so reckless about it, without any place to return to.”

“I—”

“You didn’t tell me that helping you would push you into a corner.”

My retreating steps halted at his words.

“Isn’t that unfair?”

“……”

He was right. It was my mistake to think he wouldn’t find out. I averted my gaze from his unyielding stare. Interpreting my reaction, Icarus asked in a slightly desperate voice, “Is there really no way to change your mind?”

“There isn’t.”

With a bitter laugh, he ran a hand through his rain-soaked hair, revealing his bruised eyes beneath the wet strands. I looked away, unable to bear the sight. If I continued looking into those eyes, my resolve would waver, following his emotions.

‘That can’t happen.’

Yes, it couldn’t. I couldn’t let a fleeting moment of emotion dictate a decision that could make me miserable for the rest of my life. Emotions fade, but life goes on. If I gave in now, just because he was crying for me, I would be the one crying forever.

As I looked away, he hurriedly stepped inside the dormitory. Whether it was due to the rain or anger, his footsteps were steady despite his trembling voice.

“Even if I never see you again, is it so much to wish that you live happily somewhere?”

“Don’t act like a child. No matter what you say, my decision won’t change. I’ve explained the reasons clearly enough. If you still can’t understand… it doesn’t matter. Because from the beginning, in making that choice, I….”

Damn, my throat tightened, making it hard to speak.

“…I didn’t consider you.”

He froze, speechless for a long moment. The sound of the relentless rain filled the silence. After what felt like an eternity, he finally spoke, his voice barely a whisper.

“That’s irresponsible.”

“…What?”

His red eyes were full of resentment. For the first time, I began to question my choice—not the decision to leave, but the way I was handling him.

‘I thought he’d leave me for good and never come back.’

When tears finally fell from his eyes, I instinctively reached into my jacket for a handkerchief. His eyes followed my movement, and he cried even more bitterly without wiping away his tears. I was so captivated by his face that I didn’t even think to pull my hand out from my pocket.

‘This is bad.’

Seeing him cry like that, so desperately, what am I supposed to do? If he, someone so grown, cries like a child… it makes me want to stay. As I unconsciously took a step back, he quickly grabbed my hand.

“Then you shouldn’t have forced your way into my life.”

I looked at the hand holding mine and slowly removed it. But I couldn’t step back any further. His eyes were filled with such unbearable sorrow, the falling tears seemed to suffocate me. I couldn’t move away from him.

“If you were planning to disappear, you shouldn’t have made me want to keep living because of you.”

He didn’t hide the cracking in his voice as he pressed his forehead against my shoulder. My shoulder grew warmer from the wetness. I couldn’t console him or soothe his trembling back. Feeling the warmth of him leaning on me, I thought, ‘Where did it go wrong?’

But there was no time for sentiment. I pushed him away firmly. Surprisingly, he moved back without resistance.

“…Icarus.”

“…”

Catching my breath, I took another step back from him.

“Enough.”

“…What? I haven’t done anything.”

“Nothing you’re saying makes sense. Forcing my way into your life? You’re the one who imposed yourself on me. Even if it were true, it was a responsibility you forced on me, not a promise I made to you.”

So, the irresponsible one is you. The one who forced unwanted obligations on me.

I hoped this moment was as painful for him as possible. Maybe then, things would get better. When I eventually achieve my goal, perhaps that day’s impact will be lessened. Cutting off ambiguous goodwill and pity now might hurt this kind-hearted boy less in the long run.

“You…”

Without even wiping away his tears, Icarus glared at me. After several attempts to speak, he finally managed to say,

“You… I’ve never met anyone as cruel as you.”

His words, almost comically mild for the situation, made me want to laugh despite everything. Suppressing it, I responded calmly.

“Then if I disappear, your world might be a better place.”

Watching his face contort in anguish, I turned away.

“If you find it uncomfortable, I won’t force you to help me anymore. Thank you for everything so far.”

I opened the door and looked at him. He was still standing there, rooted to the spot.

“Please leave. I have assignments to finish.”

That was the last time we saw each other for the rest of the semester. And never again.