I Start with a Bad Hand!

“You told me you liked me.”

“You knew even before that.”

His tone was confident, making me reluctant to argue. Besides, it was around two o’clock, time to go out and get some sunlight. I started packing up.

“I didn’t figure it out. You made it obvious.”

“…I made it obvious?”

Icarus seemed more shocked than I expected by my casual response. He kept asking, “Did I?” while subtly taking each item I was packing away.

“Yeah, you did. For example,” 

I was about to explain, recalling each of his actions, but noticed my neatly organized books scattered in his hands. Ignoring my glance, he pulled at my sleeve.

“…For example?”

“I think I’ve answered your question well enough.”

“Oh.”

You’re just as sneaky. Helping me into my school jacket, he grumbled. Since Agnes no longer joined me for our usual sunlight outings, I didn’t need to stop him from tagging along.

“Try not to make it so obvious with the next person.”

Carrying my things, he responded with a knowing smile.

“Sure. I’ll keep that in mind next time.”

***

I lay on a picnic mat, soaking in the last rays of autumn sunlight. The end of fall was approaching, and soon there would be few days like this. So whenever I had the chance, I’d wander around hunting for sunlight.

Maybe my persistent melancholy was due to a lack of vitamin D. And besides, once I returned to Heylem, I’d rarely see sunlight, even on lucky days.

‘No matter how far north Heylem is, three hours of sunlight a day is just too little.’

The cold ground’s temperature mixed with the tepid warmth of the mat beneath me. Even with my eyes closed, I couldn’t ignore the orange glow through my eyelids, so I focused on the distant sound of pages turning. Icarus always read during our leisurely moments, and today was no exception.

I must have dozed off or drifted into a daze, because at some point, the sound of turning pages stopped. Instead, I heard a rustling sound and felt a shadow fall over my face.

Sensing something strange, I opened my eyes to see Icarus hovering over me with two long leaves in his hands. He then placed the leaves on my hair and spoke in a calm voice.

“…What are you doing?”

“Rabbit.”

What? When he crushed the leaves over my head, his expression was as if the world had crumbled. Then he fetched two long twigs from who knows where.

“Deer.”

“Why are you doing this? It’s childish.”

As he held the thin twigs over my head, I snapped them, and the shattered pieces fell to the ground. What now? As I gave him a sleepy look, he placed the broken pieces on my cheeks.

“Sand fox.”

“And what’s that?”

“A fox that lives in high-altitude areas.”

…Did he see some strange animal somewhere and make that up? As I continued to look at him with half-closed eyes, he said, “That’s the kind of expression a sand fox makes.”

Too tired to respond, I waved him away. He had been sitting a little way off, but now he was closer again. I closed my eyes once more. Even with my eyes shut, the orange sunlight seeped through my eyelids, but the sound of turning pages was still absent.

Breaking the silence, he spoke.

“It must be a really good place.”

A heap of shredded grass lay between us. Noticing my eyes slightly open and looking at him, he paused.

“To want to go back so desperately.”

“The place I lived? No, it’s a mess.”

“…A mess?”

He frowned, seemingly surprised. No matter how much I wanted to return, I didn’t want to fabricate a rosy image of it.

Earth is a mess. No, Earth is beautiful. The global society is a mess.

“Yeah. It’s not great. Every time it seems like it’s getting better, it just goes in the wrong direction.”

“That’s true here as well,” Icarus replied indifferently. In that moment, an odd sense of competitiveness gripped me. I wanted to emphasize that the place I lived was even worse. I didn’t want to lose this argument.

“People say if we keep going like this, we’ll all be doomed. It’s a bit complicated, but, um. Because of the fuel we use in my world, glaciers are melting, sea levels are rising… Anyway, it looks like we’ll destroy ourselves before nature does.”

“…And you still want to go back to a place like that?”

At least here, it doesn’t seem like the ocean will flood and destroy everything. His tone was indifferent, but he started tearing at the innocent grass again. When I didn’t respond, he prodded me.

“Don’t you agree?”

It’s true. It’s pathetic, and it’s awful, but… On a very small scale, there are many things I love there. Family, friends, well-bound books, early morning movies, the five-minute songs you sing last at karaoke. The smell of chlorine in the pool, pork bone soup, all things I can’t find here.

“It’s a pathetic and hopeless place, but… there are things I love. Things that aren’t here.”

“Not a single one here?”

“Yeah. Honestly, it’s a mess. It feels like it’s on the verge of collapse. Oh, now that I think about it, even if I go back, it’s still a problem.”

“No, not that. Things you could love… here.”

“Here?”

As I fiddled with the pile of torn grass he had gathered, he placed autumn wildflowers into my hair, one by one. I started to think about everything that had happened until now. Things I could love in this world… Avoiding Icarus’s gaze, I answered.

“No.”

“Not even something you could grow to love?”

“I said no.”

“If you stay here, don’t you think you could find at least one?”

“If I could only find one thing to love in this world… that would be a miserable life, wouldn’t it? That’s not love, that’s a lifeline. I’m not going to hang onto a love like clinging to a cliff.”

The flowers he put in my hair seemed to gently tickle my cheek.

“And like I said, it’s only natural for me to leave here. This isn’t my body, this isn’t my life… Finding a reason to live here isn’t my job.”

Something kept tickling my cheek. I wiped my cheek, thinking it might be a tear, but it was dry. Was it my hair touching my face? After a brief silence, I asked.

“But can you make flowers bloom and wither at will?”

“What? No, why?”

“No, it’s just… it feels like something is moving in my hair right now…”

At my words, he turned to look at my hair and instantly turned pale.

“Uh, oh no!”

“What? What is it?”

“Wait. Just stay still for a moment.”

“Oh, why, what is it? Ah, what is it?”

“I said stay still!”

Oh no, could it be a bug? Ugh, gross! Bug, bug, bug! As I panicked, he gently held my shoulders to steady me, then with slightly trembling hands, removed something from my hair. He shook his hand, grimacing with disgust.

“What was it?”

“Nothing…”

“Please, just tell me what it was. If you don’t know the name, just tell me if it had a lot of legs… Just that.”

He remained silent, his face still pale.

Kill me… Just kill me now…

As I muttered, he quietly took out a handkerchief and gently wiped my cheek. His expression was still pale, and I could feel his hand trembling slightly through the handkerchief. When I turned slightly to avoid his hand, it hovered in the air for a moment before he withdrew it.

“…Isn’t that my handkerchief?”

He chuckled and nodded.

“Yeah, it’s your handkerchief.”

He had once claimed it was his, but now he was readily admitting it was mine. Yet, he didn’t return it and instead put it back in his inner pocket. It was his only handkerchief. What a vile guy, like taking a flea’s liver…

Witnessing this abuse of power, I murmured quietly.

“For someone so big, you’re afraid of bugs.”

“That’s funny. I don’t think someone who said they weren’t afraid of drowning should talk.”

With bugs, fallen leaves, and the lukewarm warmth on my back, the end of autumn was passing by.