I Start with a Bad Hand!

Two cups of coffee were now placed in front of us.

‘When did he grind the beans again?’

Icarus abruptly handed me the ground coffee, and I roughly placed it into the filter. The silent room was filled with the aroma of coffee. With his roughened face, he sat silently at the small table in my room.

‘Come to think of it, we really haven’t run into each other for a week.’

Now that I think about it, Icarus and I were people with no connection at all. If it weren’t for the regional studies class, we wouldn’t share the same year, the same arts and physical education department, or even the same group. I realized anew that we were in entirely different spheres unless someone made an effort.

“You said you wanted to talk. Talk.”

I placed the coffee cup in front of him. Even with the sound, he kept his eyes turned away from me and the coffee cup, staring out the window. It wouldn’t have been strange for him to say anything, but I had no idea what he would say. His profile, not looking at me, felt unfamiliar.

In the end, I spoke first.

“I always wanted to return her body to her,”

My throat choked up with that one sentence. Not wanting to show it, I took another sip of coffee. There was still so much to say. I couldn’t let my emotions overwhelm me yet.

“I tried… but it didn’t work out.”

Trying not to sound like I was making excuses, I continued.

“I knew I had entered Dietrich’s body, but there was nothing I could do. Her soul fragments were already completely shattered,”

“…You don’t need to explain to me.”

Icarus spoke indifferently. When I lifted my gaze from the cup to look at him, he slowly began to speak again, as if he hadn’t just kept his mouth shut for a long time.

“It’s written in your verification document from the priest.”

“…Then that’s a relief.”

Feeling my eyes redden, I took another sip of coffee.

“It stated that you entered the place where her shattered soul had vacated. Then,”

Icarus, hesitating, cleared his throat briefly.

“How did that happen?”

“…I don’t know either. I’m not any more aware of this situation than you are.”

“Tell me what you do know.”

It doesn’t have to be detailed. Only then did Icarus take a sip of coffee. I waited until he completely swallowed it, trying to calm my churning stomach.

“I know how she died… but I still don’t know why.”

I still don’t know. Not because I don’t understand the reason, but because there are too many reasons. Factors and variables that nibbled away at her from all sides mixed together, making it impossible to pinpoint just one. So I couldn’t figure out the decisive reason that made it impossible for her to endure.

“How,”

Icarus, who seemed like he was about to say something more in response to my last words, simply finished with that.

“How.”

His words made me hesitate. I wasn’t sure. Even disregarding the shock Icarus might feel, was it right for me to speak about Dietrich’s final moments? Was it truly for her that I would share such a private ending with someone else?

‘Can I really be sure that talking about it now is for Dietrich’s sake?’

Even without mentioning that Dietrich had jumped, I was certain that Icarus would help at this point, having come to find me. So, it wasn’t necessary to bring up that story. Then why was I hesitating?

‘Do I want to talk about Dietrich’s story to comfort myself?’

The thought alone was repulsive. Self-consolation disguised as mourning. I didn’t want to pity and feel sorry for myself over someone who nobody remembers, who no longer exists.

Instead, I said something else.

“…That’s her private matter, so I can’t tell you.”

“That’s,”

Icarus’s words stopped short as if he was pressing me. Damn. I tried not to cry, but maybe Dietrich would find it funny if she knew. She might wonder why someone who was essentially a stranger was crying because of her. She might think it was overly dramatic.

I turned my gaze out the window and said,

“I’m not crying.”

Sniffling, I took a deep breath and continued,

“When I drink something hot, my nose always runs.”

“…Oh.”

A short sigh that didn’t fit the situation was heard. Reflected in the window, I could see Icarus fumbling with the left side of his jacket, about to take out a handkerchief before he stopped. In that brief moment, I understood. It was the black handkerchief I had given him at the ball. Noticing my glance, he lowered his eyes slightly and said,

“…It’s mine.”

Ignoring my obvious look that it wasn’t, he handed me another handkerchief from his pants pocket.

‘…How many handkerchiefs does he carry around?’

As I accepted the handkerchief and wiped my face, he asked another question.

“…How can I help?”

“As I said before, I want to return to where I originally came from.”

Clearing my throat to avoid sounding nasal, I replied,

“But it’s difficult because of the soul fragments left in Dietrich’s body. She still has lingering attachments here, so I’m stuck in this body. I need your help to resolve that.”

Perhaps through that, we might also learn why Dietrich died. I looked him straight in the eyes.

“Is that all?”

“That’s all.”

He soon nodded. Both our cups were empty by now. Despite this, Icarus didn’t get up from his seat. The conversation was over, and the coffee was finished.

Even so, I didn’t make any effort to send him away. After a long silence, Icarus finally spoke.

“Let me ask you one thing.”

“Go ahead.”

I responded to his request for a question, but Icarus fell into a long silence again. After waiting for a while, he finally managed to speak.

“…Since when have you been you?”

“What?”

I was trying to understand his sudden question, so I didn’t immediately answer. Icarus hesitated before asking again, with a look that seemed as if he was barely holding himself together.

“When did you come into that body?”

Why would he be curious about that? I met his gaze briefly and tried to recall the moment I first came here. I roughly prepared for the academy entrance exam for about… eight months? And before that, I was bedridden for a few weeks because of my leg….

“Around a year before the academy entrance.”

At my answer, Icarus looked at me intently. His eyes, which I always thought were sharp, widened and softened.

“…A year before the entrance?”

“It could be off by a month or two.”

Is that right? Now, even I’m unsure.

“…So, the first time I met you at the academy, it was all you?”

“Yes.”

I answered his follow-up question while absentmindedly raising the empty coffee cup to my lips.

Sniffle.

I looked up at him, surprised by the sound I didn’t make. Icarus had turned his head away from me completely. Even then, his large hand partially covered his face, making it hard to see his expression.

Sensing my gaze, he spoke in a casual tone, though his voice was completely hoarse.

“I didn’t know, but I guess I also get a runny nose when I drink something hot.”

“…Oh.”

When Icarus handed me the handkerchief, he didn’t say anything even though he knew I would use it to wipe my eyes. Sometimes, moments like these are necessary—moments when we don’t need to probe the emotions of the person in front of us. So, I didn’t press him on the reason for his sniffles in response to my answer.

The quiet room was filled only with the sound of sniffles.

***

“Get up. It’s two o’clock.”

“…Already?”

“You said you wanted to get some sunlight. Let’s go.”

My relationship with Icarus didn’t change much after that. However, he began sticking to me a bit more shamelessly than before, to the point where the previous awkwardness seemed irrelevant. He started to follow me around, asking about my every move, curious about everything. Although I answered his questions each time,

“What was your name back there?”

“That’s personal information, so I can’t tell you.”

“…Then how old are you?”

“That’s also personal information.”

“…Everything’s a secret.”

Of course, I didn’t give him a proper answer. Nonetheless, he didn’t back down and continued to follow me even more persistently after that.

Today was one of those days again.

“Don’t follow me. I’m meeting Agnes.”

“We can meet her together.”

I stared at him as he got up and grabbed his jacket. He mouthed the words, “Why not?”

“I said don’t follow me.”

“Why, can’t I come?”

“No.”

With an uncharacteristic pout, Icarus looked at me. When I tried to snatch my jacket from him, he raised it high out of my reach. I gave up on the jacket and started organizing the books and notes scattered on the desk.

“You need to consider our different social statuses. Just because you’re comfortable doesn’t mean we are.”

“For someone who says I make them uncomfortable, neither of you seems that way.”

He had a point.

“Fine, I’ll say it differently. I want to be alone with Agnes.”

“Wow—”

With an exaggerated hurt expression, he clutched his chest.

“I thought we were pretty close.”

“Just think that. Don’t actually come close.”

“That’s impossible. You never know when and where you might need me.”

You said you needed my help, he said, still holding onto my jacket. I looked at his mischievous face for a moment…

“I’m leaving.”

You can keep the jacket for all I care. I quickly jabbed his side, pushing past him as he stood blocking the door. I should have taken hand-to-hand combat instead of archery. Hearing his groan and seeing him double over, I took the opportunity to leave the drama practice room.

‘Groan, my foot.’

Annoying guy… my hand feels like it’s going to break. As I walked away, shaking my hand, Icarus quickly caught up from behind. He handed me the jacket once he reached my side.

“Okay, I won’t bother your time together.”

I silently took the jacket and put it on. Despite saying he wouldn’t follow, he walked right beside me all the way to the academy’s flower bed.

“You said you wouldn’t follow.”

“I said I wouldn’t bother your time together. I’ll leave before your fluffy-haired friend gets here… oh, there she is.”

“Her name is Agnes, not fluffy-haired… what is she doing over there?”

Far away, near the academy’s main gate, Agnes was talking to someone. Even from a distance, she seemed a bit distressed.

“Why does she look so troubled….”

As I quickly headed in that direction, Agnes came more clearly into view. In front of her stood a middle-aged woman with streaks of gray in her black hair. That woman looked very familiar.

“Dietrich… Degoph.”

Standing there was someone I had never seen before but who looked strikingly similar to Dietrich.