I Start with a Bad Hand!

Icarus finally confessed.

“I like you.”

Lying in bed, I thought about it.

‘Why?’

For what reason did Icarus suddenly say such a thing?

No matter how much I thought about it all day, I couldn’t come up with an answer. What could have possibly provoked him to say something like that?

Unless I asked him directly, I would never know. And of course, there was no way I was going to ask him directly. More importantly, asking him why he confessed to me, or rather, to Dietrich, wouldn’t be helpful in this situation.

It was driving me crazy….

Trying to avoid complications by dropping hints only caused a bigger commotion. I ended up lying in bed for another whole day.

Considering everything, I couldn’t see a way to accept Icarus’s feelings. This was a confession that would never work out, and his feelings were ones I couldn’t accept. In a situation where it was uncertain if he really confessed to me, the only thing I could do was reject him.

‘I should have firmly rejected him right there. Instead, I panicked and ran away… sigh.’

But his expression at that moment seemed as if he had blurted it out inadvertently. A confession he might not have made if he had been more collected. Should I really bring it up again now? Maybe he wants to let this moment pass quietly too.

‘Let’s just not mention it until he brings it up first….’

If he brings it up, I’ll politely reject him. After that, I’ll avoid him a bit. In time, he’ll get over it. Just as I forced myself to get out of bed, I noticed a small flower on the desk. It looked like it was about to wither away. Feeling complicated, I touched the flower for no reason.

‘He’s not an idiot. Why does he go out of his way to do things like this, unable to hide his feelings?’

It was easy to tell that he really liked Dietrich. Otherwise, he wouldn’t follow me around without any questions despite the strange things I do. He wouldn’t go out of his way to bring me flowers just because I seemed upset.

‘Icarus is… eighteen.’

What was I doing at that age? Studying and eating tteokbokki, I think.

I did similar things to others at that age, but I didn’t experience love. So, I can’t really gauge the extent of these feelings. Although I don’t want to change my attitude towards his feelings for Dietrich whether they are more or less intense, I am curious. How big is that feeling? Is it a size that he can quickly overcome even if heartbroken?

‘This is bad. I’m going to leave soon, and then Dietrich won’t exist anymore.’

Honestly, that’s how it is. Even I can’t fully grasp the meaning of someone I like leaving the world before I do, as I haven’t attended many funerals myself. Thinking of my family and friends who are still in the world, I realize that I am the one who left first, not the one who was left behind.

Anyway, there would be a difference between those who think I’m forever gone and me who knows I’m still alive.

So, what’s the most mature way for me to handle this confession given that I’m leaving soon? I’m not Dietrich, and as Dietrich’s life doesn’t have much time left, Icarus is bound to be hurt. It would be best if he could let go of his feelings for Dietrich, but I can’t control his heart.

As my thoughts reached that point, my destination became clear.

***

Even though only a few days had passed, his face, which I hadn’t seen in a while, looked somewhat gaunt. He hesitated for a moment at my words before approaching me to whisper. There was no need to, since we were alone.

“Am I… that thing now? Food?”

“What? What are you talking about?”

“If not, then why are you… speaking to me like that?”

‘Ah.’

The informal speech I had thrown out to shock him. It seemed that our relationship was more informal than I had thought.

The fake name I once jokingly gave him. Every time we used that strange name in situations requiring a false identity, we would implicitly speak to each other informally. Remembering that name now, it seemed he was indeed shocked.

“No, you are Icarus, and I am not Dietrich.”

“…Then what are you saying now?”

“I’ve told you repeatedly. The girl you knew, or rather, the girl you liked, is not the same person as me.”

And his reaction was not much different from what I expected. Avoiding Icarus’s gaze, I rose from the bed where I had been sitting. As I rummaged through the bag I had haphazardly placed on the floor, I felt the thin, small envelope. Holding the letter envelope in my hand, I looked back at him.

At that moment, his expression crumpled in a flash.

“Stop joking around. If you’re saying this because my words made you uncomfortable…”

“I understand why you wouldn’t believe me.”

I couldn’t blame him; I wouldn’t believe it either. That the owner of the body and the soul are different. No matter how strange this world is, it’s a hard story to believe.

“That’s why I brought proof.”

When I handed him the letter envelope I had taken out of my bag, he looked at the envelope and then at me, still looking puzzled. Proof that the owner of the body and soul are different. The envelope, sealed with wax, bore the high priest’s seal.

“There’s one more thing.”

Icarus, who had been seriously reading through the document, looked up at me again. His cold gaze was unfamiliar. Ignoring that gaze, I handed him another envelope.

“This is a certificate that I did not use any unjust or coercive means to acquire this body. This too is guaranteed by the high priest of the temple, so you can check it out.”

I waited for Icarus until he finished reading all the documents. Even after waiting for a long time, he didn’t say anything. Though I couldn’t urge him to speak up, seeing his confusion, I couldn’t just wait forever.

“As you’ve already read in the proof… I didn’t come here by choice either.”

“…The original owner of this body, where did she go?”

With a slow and breaking voice, Icarus barely managed to speak. Hearing that voice, there was no one who could say that the soul of the girl he liked was shattered into pieces. I dropped my gaze to the floor, which I had been fixing on him the entire time.

“…The soul that belonged to this body was empty, so I came.”

“Why?”

“What?”

Icarus, who had been standing far away from me, was now completely close to me.

“So why, why did her soul disappear?”

“….”

No one could bring themselves to tell him that the soul of the girl he liked was shattered into tiny pieces because life had been too hard.

“…I don’t know. I don’t know, which is why I’m telling you this now.”

Seeing him standing there with a still confused expression, I spoke directly.

“I understand that it’s hard for you to accept this situation. I need to get out of this body I’m currently in, and I need your help.”

“…The body you’re currently in.”

Icarus roughly ran his hand through his hair. With a voice colder than I had ever heard before, he responded to me.

“When you leave, will the original owner of the body return?”

“As I said before, I don’t think that’s possible,”

“Then why should I help you?”

His additional words, delivered with a chilling tone, made my heart lurch. How should I explain this?

In summary, this is the situation:

I am like a pilot inside the body of Dietrich, which is akin to a fighter jet. I’ve realized that this fighter jet will explode in one minute, and if I don’t eject immediately, I’ll die along with the jet. Although the seatbelt, or whatever it is, is somewhat tangled and holding me back, I might be able to escape if I untangle it properly.

‘Alright, that makes sense up to this point.’

But can I survive if I eject? Here’s where the problem arises. I used to think that if I escaped, I could return to my homeland, but at some point, I found out that my homeland had also been destroyed. Even if I manage to escape, I have nowhere to return to.

The choice is between dying a painful and fiery death with the fighter jet, or escaping and floating around like a jellyfish, never belonging anywhere, for the rest of my life.

I chose the latter out of guilt for the jet that wasn’t mine and a lingering attachment to my homeland. To do this, I needed to resolve all of Dietrich’s lingering regrets, and at the same time, I needed someone’s help. Someone who wouldn’t betray me, who wouldn’t betray Dietrich, and who had as much affection for Dietrich as I did.

But to explain all of this, I’d need to start by explaining the history of the plane to him. So, I took a moment to catch my breath and replied.

“Honestly, it doesn’t matter if you don’t help me. But if that’s the case, Dietrich will just disappear. No one will know why she left, why she brought me here, or how it all happened. She’ll just vanish without a trace.”

Icarus no longer hid his anger. He approached me, then hesitated and took a step back. His rough breathing filled the quiet room. He glared at me and spoke.

“Are you using the body of the person you took as leverage to threaten me?”

“Does this sound like a threat to you? I’m asking you for help.”

“You know I like her.”

You said it yourself. The person I ‘like’ is not you.

At Icarus’s last words, my urge to retort quickly dissipated, leaving me feeling hollow. When I met his increasingly reddened eyes, I couldn’t say anything.

“You know that, and yet you ask me for such a favor, knowing that I can’t help but listen to you.”

Icarus turned his back on me, as if there was nothing more to say. I heard the sound of the door closing with a sharp click.

Left behind were the torn letter envelope and the proof documents. Without bothering to read them again, I put the papers back into the envelope.

“As I’ve said before, be careful not to let this information leak out. After showing it to the concerned party, you must bring it back to the temple. Only the sacred flames of the temple can destroy the papers bearing the high priest’s seal.”

No matter how terrible I felt, I still had to do what needed to be done. Without looking back, I left my room, just as Icarus had done.

***

The sacred fire of Hestia, blessed by the priests. I stared at the fire blankly. The priest poked the brazier a few times with a fire iron, then looked at me and asked cautiously,

“Did you show the documents properly?”

“…Yes.”

“I wrote them in a hurry without knowing to whom you were going to show them, but you must be more careful in the future. What if someone tries to harm you or take advantage of you?”

“Who would use me…? I’m just an ordinary person, except for the fact that the owner of my body and soul are different.”

The priest hesitated at my response and then asked,

“Sister, to whom did you show those documents?”

Withdrawing my hand from the brazier, I answered,

“…To someone who has known the original Dietrich for a long time…”

He likes her. The priest was silent for a moment before asking,

“Do you mean… the original Dietrich?”

“Yes.”

The priest took a sip of the tea he had set down, frowning at my detached tone.

“So he liked her even before you ‘arrived’ here? And yet, he confessed his feelings around two years later.”

“It’s a bit unclear. Honestly, I’m not sure. But feelings of affection can be continuous, so…”

“And yet, you told him this? Are you going to reveal to everyone who confesses to you that you aren’t originally from this world?”

I fell silent at the priest’s question. He was right. This wasn’t information that needed to be disclosed. Even the original me wouldn’t have shared such a big secret just because someone confessed to me, especially if I was going to reject them.

‘I could have firmly rejected him and kept my distance from then on.’

But I couldn’t do that. And there was only one reason why.