Him and i - Dreams of trauma

At Moon's requests, I started writing this journal. Here, you'll find the account of all the events that happened after our big resettlement over the river. We've been in many places, lately we've moved from Greece to Italy then back to Greece, in areas controlled by the Byzantines. And now we moved again, but this time far away from the new Byzantine Empire, as the old community has ties to it.

Where we came from, our community was big. Over two thousand people. Good people, mostly, but it happened as always, for those in the leading roles to look for more power. They imposed their own beliefs and ideas. Ideas that only used to their own interests. They wanted to transform our beautiful community in a religion. Comparing our mission, to protect Light, with the missions of the other religions, that only had as hidden purpose, money, and control. Comparing our Light, with Christ or other names born from fables.

They wanted to modify our history, our rules, and our mission. Just to make a more beautiful and attractive community for the outsiders. Just to make another fable to sell to the public. The other members, that didn't want this transformation of the community into a religion, opposed. These people joined me in my opposition to these practices, and they also joined me when the opposition failed, and we had to separate from the newly formed religion. Then we split. But the rulers didn't stop there. They started to persecute us, to force us to join their religion. They wanted to force us to come back. They didn't want to lose me, Light, and the compass. We were too important.

Then, we gathered quietly one night, and we left. We had to go as further as possible from them. To cross the river, thing that was hard being many of us, and not having boats at our disposal. We had to make them, and luckily the old community didn't know where to start looking for us. So we had enough time to build a big raft and use it to pass all of us over the river. And so, after a few days of going back and forth, we crossed the Danubius, or how the Dacians, the people that lived above the river, called it, Istros.

But it wasn't enough, I wanted to be sure that we wouldn't be found so we kept going. We kept walking for days until we arrived at the foot of some mountains, and after we crossed those mountains too, we settled. And here we built our camp.

We left in small numbers, but the long and dangerous road took care so we arrive in even lesser numbers. Ognian was too old for a travel like this, and even though he got here alive, now he's very sick, and I'm terribly afraid, dying. Our Light begins to dim. But we are safe, finally. The new territory we took is perfect for our new community. At the feet of the mountains, hidden by any dangers, and without any other settlements around.

We set the camp quickly. The tents are all up, and people started to get back to their usual daily tasks. For now, the most important thing is that we focus on building a wall around our camp and setting traps in case we get attacked.

People were more relieved now that we were settled. They tended their wounds and diseases that they got along the journey, cried their death loved ones that were left behind, and then started to work on growing the camp and the community. Today is the first day, since we moved in our new camp, that I checked the compass. The needle is moving. This is usually taken as a good sign by the community, and it will increase the moral amongst them. It usually makes them happy that they have been chosen to raise Light, and that Light chose to reincarnate in this community.

But this will also bring worrying news. Our community was just split not long ago, and this could lead to the birth of Light outside our community. And if the distance is big, we won't be able to find all Light's affinities before the current one dies. It's also an equal possibility that Light will be born in the old community, as we just split. And we won't be able to recover it in this case. The leaders from that community have ties with the army, and the community itself has more than two thousand members. We wouldn't be able to recover Light from under their protection.

End there's Ognian, if the compass is moving it means he hasn't much time left. Very rarely it happens that they take the news calm.

I start looking for the families in which Light could be born. The needle of the compass is guiding me to the first family. I find just the woman in the tent. I hand her the compass, and instantly after she saw it, she knew what she has to do. She grabs the compass and it lights weak. At the same time, her husband enters the tent, with dirt on his hands, from gardening. They are the first family pointed by the compass, I told them all they needed to know, that they need to start procreation and I moved on to the next one. They were very happy for the revelation.

The compass guides me to the next family which I find quick after, just two tents away from the previous one. The woman was outside the tent, hanging out clothes to dry. She sees me and then instantly the compass in my hand. She stops and leaves her clothes on the ground and runs inside the tent yelling for her husband. I follow her inside and give her the compass. It lights in her hands too and I tell them they need to start immediately and leave them to it.

The third tent I visit, I find the girl outside again. She was baking bread. I go to her. As she sees the compass, then me, she panics. I tell her to get in the tent, and she reluctantly does. The compass is lit but her face not so much. The only woman I see sad after the revelation.

"What's wrong?"

"I don't have someone."

"There is no problem, no one is hurrying you to find someone. And if you don't find anyone to your liking, it's also not a problem, no one is forcing you to make a baby."

She looks at me scared, disappointed in herself. I still haven't convinced her that she can choose to not have a child.

"I understand."

The girl is so young, she shouldn't even have a kid at this age, but her body is ready, and she could give birth to Light. I leave her to meditate and I continue my mission, guided by the compass. I get to the fourth tent and see nobody around it. I get close to enter it, but I hear noises coming from inside. I won't disturb them, I'll let them finish and come later.

I keep wandering throughout the camp, looking at the tents, the huts and houses that are in construction, it grew pretty fast. Kiril's idea to not leave immediately and make provisions first, of tents and tools, was very good. We even got to gather more people while we made our provisions for the move. People are happy of how the things are going now, they feel safe again. After I get bored wandering throughout the camp, I arrive back at the tent and wait at the door, listening. They finished. I announce myself, get in and the compass lights, and I continue like this with three more families after.

The needle is still moving. I follow it and get to the end of the camp. The compass is showing me towards the mountain, towards where we came. To the old community. I feared this might happen. We should have a gathering at the end of the day, and decide. I ask the leaders to assemble a mass gathering this evening, and then I wait for the sun to drop.

At sunset, the bonfire in the gathering square is lit, I can see it from my tent. This is the gathering signal, the fire is big enough to be seen from everywhere and its purpose is to bring people together around it.

I get to the square. The leaders were talking already with the people, about the new hunting groups, gatherers, and working shifts. I get there and they all stop talking, and the leaders gather near the fire, near me. Everybody went quiet. From around 2000 people, how much we were before the split, we are now 148 here, in this square. And even this number is big enough that even being quiet, a lot of noise is still coming from them.

It's hard to keep order in a crowd. But we are now just those that left the old community. Those that we felt good around. We are a community as we should've been. No more rules or regulations. We have just our own duties for ourselves, for our brothers and sisters, for our leaders. Everybody chooses how they will contribute to the community. How they can. We are a community in the real sense now, the way we were at the old location in the beginning, and how we where before the old location, and before that and so on.

It always happens that corrupt ideas form in our leaders' heads, dark thoughts, if not induced by Darkness' hand, then by the human nature. And every time this happens, we always start from the beginning. A small group of people. A schism. A new community. Around me are the chosen leaders of this community. Four men and a woman.

"What's the purpose of this gathering Olsana?" Asks one of the leaders, Aurelius. His family has been with the community even from when we were on the peninsula.

"The compass is moving. I've found seven families until now, six actually. After that, the compass guided me outside the camp. Towards the old community."

"Is there someone away? Maybe it's still one of ours. Maybe they didn't take in consideration our request." Said the oldest of the leaders, the eldest of our community even, Diocles.

"I've already spoke with the boys on duty. Nobody was away at that moment."

People start to get nervous, they're whispering and talking amongst themselves. They already knew what this meant but nobody wanted to say it. I have to make them silent or this will get out of…

"What is the meaning of this?!" Yells Aurelius enraged. Everybody shut their mouths at hearing his voice.

"This means that we'll have to send back two hunters, with the compass, back to where we came from. To search for the families that the compass guides them to, and convince as many families as they can, to come to us under the promise that we will take care of them."

People started talking again, the leaders are arguing between themselves, some saying that we can't do this, others saying that we have no other option. Diocles takes the word and people go quiet again, this time more from respect than fear.

"This is how we'll do then. We'll send Georgi and…"

"Georgi? We can't send him, he's too young for a mission this dangerous." Argues Meliton. He was amongst the first to agree for the resettlement. Meliton has no successor, and his wife died long time ago, and he hasn't married since. He took Georgi in his care when he was just a boy. For him, Georgi is like a son.

If I don't intervene quick, they'll start fighting again.

"We don't have time to argue. If the compass started to show us the affinities, you know what it means. We don't have much time. We will send Georgi with Kiril. So he'll be safe, and he'll have the opportunity to learn from the best. It will be an important journey for his development."

"You want to send one of our best hunter, and fighter, back to the other camp? It's too dangerous. We can't send a man so important to our community in such a dangerous mission."

"Don't be worried Aurelius, we have other people that know how to hunt, we will not die of hunger, especially in this resourceful area." Says Diocles almost laughing.

"If they are discovered, they'll both get killed or worse, or our location will be discovered."

"They'll travel only at night, they'll only speak with the families shown by the compass, and they'll only choose which families to talk to based on their own personal assessment taken on spot. They'll handle this. Kiril was the commander of the Byzantine army stationed in Nicopolis, he led legions in battles, and won his battles. Kiril is more than ready for this task we'll give him, and Georgi will have the opportunity to evolve."

Diocles makes a few steps out of our line and faces us.

"It seems we have a proposition. Who is in favour of this raise your hand, who isn't, come with another one."

People are quietly and intently looking at each leaders' faces. I raise my hand and look around. All the other hands are raised apart from Aurelius and Meliton. Meliton looks like he's full of doubt.

"If he goes with Kiril, then I have trust he'll be safe. I'm for."

Only Aurelius is left. He knows he is in minority here, but he knows we can't accept a negative vote without another option to back it up with. He's probably doing just that, thinking of an alternative. But if he stays quiet too much, just thinking, he'll send a bad message to all the people watching. As that we, the leaders, are divided and in contradiction. Everybody is watching just him. Waiting.

"They better come back, both, and not alone. But most importantly, I want this to be stated very clearly to them, that this location is not to be given to anybody, in under any circumstances."

"Good, we accept your addition as it is a particularly good one. So it's decided. Where are the two hunters in question?" Asks Diocles while turning to the crowd.

"They are away, hunting."

"First we need to talk with them, see if they are willing to do this."

"I've talked with them earlier, before they went hunting. I've explained them everything, and they both agreed. I'll take them tomorrow in my tent, to explain everything and then, they'll leave when they consider is best."

 *

My eyes start hurting. The light from the compass is too weak for reading, and it's tiring my eyes. I have to look for something brighter, a torch. I haven't found one until now, lit, and accessible. And I don't want to keep searching forward without knowing if I'll even find one. I look around the room, blink a few times. Try to rest my eyes and then, I get back to the text.

The two hunters came to my tent and we began talking about the trip. I tell them how to use the compass and how to be persuasive. How to convince the families to come to our community. After our talk, Georgi and Kiril leave to get ready. I go to discuss with the leaders about the tents of the families that will…

No, not anymore, not like this. I can't read this way, my eyes hurt from forcing myself. I'll flip through the pages after I find a torch. Wait… Something's not right. I look at the journal, I haven't turned a single page since I started reading. I've definitely read more than a page and I'm still at the first one, the only one written. The first words form the beginning are not the first words I read on the page now. I turn again the first page, all the pages are empty, to the right and left. What's happening? I haven't passed the middle of the page either. The writing moved before my eyes.

I just now start to realize everything. Not the events by themselves, but the probability that these events really happened. Everything that happened until now: the previsions, the insane headaches, wrist breaking and cutting, hallucinations, the compass and the hollow, the infinite stairway, and the infinite hallway I'm walking along right now, and this whole fucking place. Everything seemed so normal, with small pauses of wonder and quick thoughts about craziness. But now, when I see this book, it finally hits me. Reality. I realize the impossibility, the magic.

Fuck. I died, I died with my head in the hollow. No. It seems logic, it's only logic, but I don't like the idea. I…I deny it. And this book, I can't understand it, I can't understand how it works. I think I'm getting out of my mind completely. Maybe it's all just a dream, I just hope… No. I can't take this road again. It's too real. No. No other explanation seems plausible, unless I think that all is real, or… But it can't be. If I keep trying to explain all this madness to myself, I'll lose it. Calm. Calm. Calm down! Keep going. Everything is normal. Until the contradictory proof shows up, everything is real.

I'm drenched in my sweat, and each breath I take it hurts my lungs. I have to get out of here! I'm panicked, and light-headed and feel like every second now I'm going to fall off the chair. I get out of the room. It's cold, and the little breeze is cooling my sweat giving me chills. I look to my left and to my right. On my left I have the rest of the endless, dark, hallway. I don't think I'll find in that direction, torches, or fire to light them up. I have to go back to the big hall, I saw some unlit torches in the living rooms that I managed to open. I'll take a torch and light it up in the huge fireplace from big hall. But the smell there… Now I don't feel it but earlier it was so strong, I can't imagine how it would be there, now. And so I set off to the big hall.

On my way, I find an open room, and inside I find an unlit torch. I grab it and quick up the pace. I want to get back to somewhere safe from the smell and continue reading. I'm anxious to find out what's going on further, and if I'm somehow connected to all this. The smell announces his presence by quickly filling the air. His…he…he…it… The smell also tells me I don't have much more till the big hall. I can already see a small glimmer far far away, trembling in the middle of the darkness. I'm picking up the pace even more. I'm almost running.

Closer to the big hall, the smell becomes stifling. I'm not inhaling anything else than this odd perfume. I can't feel a drop of air coming in. This perfume is pleasant, calm, welcoming. As if it pulls me towards the big hall now. The smell seems so acquainted to me. So dear. So…intimate. But I can't find the exact recollection of it.

It's like the smell you'd meet in your mother's womb. The smell that gives me the sensation that I wasn't born yet. Everything is calmer, slower and more intense. It makes me sleepy, and so ecstatic. And that's why I don't like it, it makes me feel drowsy but with enough energy to move mountains, it slows me down. I start to pick up the pace even more, I'm running now and I'm breathing as less as I can. I'm running out of air. I have to breathe it in, I don't see any other option.

"There's always another option, you could accept me, be happy and not continue your search into ma…into the darkness. Stop chasing all these little sparks that you see around you. Accept your happiness as you have it. Leave the past and accept the light, if you don't want something more…atrocious. You can choose to forget, or to go on but…"

"Or death?"

All this…interminable moment, I stood still like a statue, eyes laying ahead, towards the small dancing glimmering. I heard that voice, those voices…close and clear. I'm terrified that the smallest turn I make, even just with my eyes, will reveal the ones whose voices I heard. I start to move my eyes, just by one millimetre at a time, to my left, and then my head also.

I hear something and turn suddenly to 180° with my torch reaching out so I can hit hard. But I hit nothing. I point the compass forward and see nothing, no one. I look around me several times to see the same nothingness. I don't want to think too much about what happened but… It's the voice from the car, from the college, that guided me to Brasov. And then it was that other voice, the one from my…hallucination, the ugly one, the terrifying one.

These voices, not one but two, I hear two voices in my head… I'm double insane. It's not normal at all! No, I must come back to my senses, I can't, not here, not now, not in this darkness. I have to resist a little longer. I turn and hold my compass ahead, and continue running towards the big hall.

I get to the big hall, quickly go to the fireplace, and hold the torch in, it lights up and I start running back towards the old woman's room. I get to her room and sit at the desk. There's no smell here but, I stayed so much in it and breathed it for so long that it lingers a little in my nose. I take a small pause to catch my breath, and wait for this chest stabbing pain to fade out.

I place the torch in the gap between the desk and the wall, so that it leans towards me and above the writing. It's like a meter away from the pages but I can see so much better now. I return to reading and look at the text, but I remember that I still have no idea how this journal is working. How do I turn the pages if the whole text is written only on one? How do I skim through if I want?

Until now I've read…I've read enough to turn more pages than one. If the text is moving after my eyes or after how I read, maybe the rows appear after the words I read, and repeat in my head. Probably the text is following my train of thought… Maybe, if I think about…

It works! The text has changed in front of my eyes. I thought of Georgi and now the text is at a discussion between Meliton and the old woman. Meliton is worried about the fate of the two adventurers. They still aren't back from the mission. I think about the word back and then about those two. The text changes again in front of my eyes. Still a discussion about those two and their long-waited return. And then I do it again and find another discussion, and again and…I found it.

"…back. Quick! Come to the square! Everybody! Come to the square, they're back!"

I get out of my tent and go towards the square to meet the boys and hopefully our new members of the community. A big crowd have gathered in the square. I pass through them and get in the middle, near the fire. It's not lit yet.

I can see Georgi hugging Meliton which seemed very exhausted, probably from running here as fast as he could. I can also see two families, two couples waiting scared in this huge crowd, seeming uncertain of their decision to come here. Then Aurelius arrives. He's restless. I look around well, but I don't see Kiril anywhere. Diocles comes too and analyses attentive the situation.

"That's it. That's it! Now get back to your duties and let these poor people breathe. They had a long and hard journey, you should well know it. We'll discuss some more this evening. There'll be a gathering."

People slowly start to disperse. Aurelius keeps watching everybody in silence. You can't read him at all, he doesn't let us, but I think he has the same suspicion as I have. All the other leaders are here so we decide to go to the mess hall.

The two families sit on the benches at a table and as soon as food comes, start eating. We remain on our feet with Aurelius walking nervously around. Georgi sits down too but with his back at the table and facing us. Everybody is quiet. The two families are eating like they haven't ate in days, which probably is true. And Aurelius suddenly stops from his agitation.

"He's dead. I told you not to send him." Aurelius opens his mouth to say something more but hesitates and shuts up, trying to keep his calm.

Diocles opens his mouth, trying to say something but Aurelius sees him and cuts him off.

"What happened?"

"He's dead." Georgi states not too loud, while Aurelius becomes visibly annoyed by what he said.

Georgi continues. "One of the families we visited betrayed us to the leadership. The leadership sent soldiers to capture us while we slept. I was sleeping at the family that sold me out. I was captured with the compass on me, but I got rescued on the way to their camp. Kiril was just coming back from a family when he noticed that I'm missing and tracked me down. He ambushed the convoy, killing all the soldiers in the process, but was gravely injured in the battle. We managed to turn back from there and quickly grab the two families that agreed to join us, and then we were on the road when it happened… He couldn't survive the journey, and we couldn't stop for too long."

Everybody is silent and thinking about what was said.

"You have the compass?"

"Yes, here. The needle pointed towards here, I checked before we entered the camp."

"Good work Georgi, you did well. We'll make a funeral tomorrow, for Kiril, and it will be a day of celebration from now on." I put the compass back in my pocket and turn towards the two families that were eating. "You should start procreating. And thank you for joining our community, you're welcomed here."

I leave the tent and go to search the rest of the affinities from the camp. I start following the needle, first to an old couple, they already had four kids, I check the mother and tell them and then I get out of the tent to continue my search. But the needle stopped. It went back to the main mark and stopped moving from there. This means that those were all the affinities for Light to reincarnate into. Not too many, but I guess some just got damaged from this schism and this time of great distress.

Now I'll have to wait until tomorrow at the same sun position and see how much the needle moved. To see how much Ognian has to live. I go into the forest to…

 *

She's going into the forest to gather flowers for fertility, to help the people that are trying. She's talking to some more people from the camp and starts making tea from the gathered flowers. Next day comes and she looks up at the sky…

She isn't sleeping, at all. All this time she did something, day and night. And there doesn't seem to be any pause in her writing, or better said, in her narration.

And not once I've encountered a hint that she might be blind, so I could confirm to myself that she really is the blind woman. In the painting, in the family tree, it clearly shows that she is blind. But nonetheless she's getting by like someone that doesn't have a sight problem at all.

Eyes start tearing up. The light from the torch is still not enough for me to read, but it does light up my eyes from up close and is irritating. And my forehead is burning from all the heat coming from the torch. I have to find something brighter, or find some room that I can lit properly. I want to continue the read, to find more about this old woman.

The smell caught up with me again. It got even here.

Every time I smell it, I remember whatever memory it brings, the same memory, but I can't translate that memory, I can't make out what it shows me, it's on the tip of my tongue. It's well enveloped in darkness and I can't see it at all, and if I'd try to light it up, it would be gone. Like trying to see a shadow in a dark room.

I'm more than sure there's some memory bound to this smell, something from my life. Maybe a perfume of someone I can't remember, or a food that I loved but can't picture it, a place, a plant, a fruit…I can't figure it out.

There must be some way to remember… It seems too familiar. I breathe some more, I feel how it makes my head lighter. I don't like it; it gives me a state of fake euphoria. I hold my breath, grab everything I have to grab from the table and get out of the room.

On the hallway, I have this sudden urge to inhale. I hadn't inhaled enough air before holding it. I take a deep breath, inhaling this stingy smell… And the memory comes back. I think I know what's smelling like this. I think I know where I've met this smell before. Here after all. I remember the tomb above and…and the blue lights. I remember the smell. I remember. I… It's a smell…