Him and i - Dreams of trauma

I'm awake! From what? I've slept…? No, I drove up until now. Sleepwalking… More like sleepdriving. I don't feel like I just woke up. I don't know what happened. I don't know where I am, I'm in my car, but where have I drove to? And how did I managed to drive being unconscious, up to here? I'm in a city. I don't remember driving, I don't remember the drive at all. I don't remember anything since I almost had that accident.

I only remember the story form the radio. I think I lost my consciousness after… I see lots of houses, mansions. I don't feel so well, I'm confused and can't concentrate at all. Can't gather my thoughts. I open the car door and get out for some fresh air. I start stretching, even if I hadn't slept, all the way to this place, the ride got me a little stiff. Car was parked near the curb, behind another car, in front of a villa.

Through the roofs I can see the big mountain, and the white writing on it, "Brasov". I'm on a decently high hill, I can see the houses going down the hill, and how most of them are on such a low level. Maybe I got where I needed to. Maybe I remembered from my dream where I needed to get, and subconsciousness brought me here. I get back to the car. I don't recognize anything around though. Nothing brings back anything from my dream. Maybe I'm where I'm supposed to be, but I have no idea which is the villa from the dream.

The gate on the other side of the street is ajar. It's a high, wooden, door, as tall as the wall. It looks heavy. The yard seems fenced by a tall, beautiful, stone wall. I remember that in my dream, the yard was fenced by a brick wall. I cross the street to the sidewalk where the wooden door is and get out my phone. Can't call George, he ditched his phone home, I look at the time, 10:34 AM. I got here pretty fast.

Not one house around seems familiar to me. And I can't see inside the yards, all have tall walls. Anyway, it doesn't help, me staying here. I could just go check the self-given opportunity. I open the door enough to slip my body through. Inside the yard, I get this feeling of unease, of terror, I'm doing something bad, and I could get caught at any moment. I'm so scared and tensed.

The paving stones under my feet seem familiar, such so that it hits me hard… I better go around the house and check the back yard. I stop and turn towards the gate. If someone's home, I mustn't make them think I came to steal. I'll say my ball landed in their yard. That the gate was ajar… Or even better, that my dog ran away, and I saw the gate open and wanted to check if…

I hear quick sudden steps behind me. I turn, but too late. I already got tackled. I hit the ground; I don't know who…

"George!"

I look better at his face. It was really him. He had a knife in his hand, ready to stab me. Good thing I yelled his name in time.

"What the fuck are you doing here you…stupid?! I almost killed you. Fuck!"

"How it is my fault that you almost killed me?!"

George gets up and dusts his clothes off, then he puts his knife back in his pocket. I'm still a little shook.

"Go away. What are you doing in Brasov?"

"I'm here for you, you fucker. So here lives your father eh?"

George looks at me worried, more scared, from the question I just threw out. He bends over and helps me get up.

"Why did you come here? Why did you follow me?"

"Because I know what you want to do. Give me the knife and let's go home before you do anything stupid that you'll regret."

"Leave me alone. Get away from here. You have nothing to do here."

"You want me to go? And w…"

"Yes! Go."

"Ok then. And what do you want me to tell your sister when I get home?! Until then I guess you'll be already arrested. So, I'll take your message now no worries. But don't you think my parents will be able to take care of your brother and sister. We just got a letter form the landlord. We'll get thrown out on the streets just before the end of the month."

"And what…"

"Which solution do you deem best?! For them to live with us, on the street? Or to be taken to the orphanage, where they'd probably be forever separated? Tell me!"

"And what do you want me to do? I can't take care of them. I can't. I can't finish my college; I can't start working until they grow up enough to take care of themselves. Tell me what can I do?"

"You could do something correct. You could ask for help. Any choice you make now, at these times so important for you and your siblings, it will remain forever engraved in their memories. How you take care of this problem now, that's how they're going to take care of the problems they'll encounter in the future. You don't understand how important are the decisions you're going to take these following days. Your attitude towards them. Everything."

I see him, not tense anymore, but so deep in shame and regret… We must get out of here, who knows when his father will be here.

"So think, think hard, and tell me what you're gonna do."

"What…what do you want me to say? I don't know, I don't know what am I to do. I don't know what I want, and I hate to think about it. I can't handle alone all these problems that came at once. If I sell the apartment for a studio, it'll be terrible, the transition, and I don't know how to do all this, papers, selling, buying, moving, taking care of my brothers, the funeral. And then that won't solve much. I'd still have to take care of my brother and sister, take them to school and kindergarten, making food, cleaning up, buying clothes. Fuck! And whatever I'd do, at some point, in a few years, I'd still have to get a job, with no college diploma most probably, because how could I do all that and go to college at the same time. I can't see it…I don't have a view on my own future. I can't imagine how would it look like. I don't know what to do."

I hear a noise somewhere behind. Some objects fell in some yard, a dog started barking in another.

"Anytime now, your father, or someone could come here, and from there, there is no turning back. You decide now. Come with me, or stay here to do whatever you came to do, but keep in mind, you won't just do it to your father, you'll do it to yourself and your brother and sister too."

He's thinking. More like tormenting himself. We don't have time, I have to force him somehow. I turn towards the gate and start walking.

"I have a solution that would help with the money problem, and your brother and sister problem. But only if you want us to help you."

"Wait."

George comes towards me.

"I don't know how you could help me. You told me about the apartment, and I don't want to be a burden for you."

"That's the thing, you won't be. We'll all have to win from this. We move at your place, pay rent, and somebody will always be home to take care of the kids."

George says nothing, he looks like he's trying to calculate everything I said and find an error in my plan.

"Let's get out here already until we don't get caught. And throw that stupid knife somewhere."

George follows me almost mechanically. We get out of the yard and he throws the knife in the first trash bin. We get to the car, I start the engine and put the seatbelt on. On the other side, a car stops in front of the house. From inside, a man gets out and opens the gate wide, in the car was waiting the redhead. The dream was on spot. Good thing I got here in time. I look at George, he's still out of the world a little. I drive away before he gets to notice them.

"I don't know how the hell I got here, and I sure don't know how to get out."

"Take a left on the next one."

George was still looking outside the window, like he was in a sad scene from a music video or something.

"We'll get back in Bucharest in no time. Less than three hours."

"You shouldn't have…"

"Yes, I should have! What were you thinking of doing? Killing both of them? And let's say you would've succeeded and not get caught. What next? Their deaths wouldn't in the least bit help you."

"I know that…I know…but he treated us like garbage. He let mum die in the hospital without sending a coin, not even good wishes or some fucking prayers. He didn't care about her life, it was worthless for him! And he left us to happen whatever it may, for a second time. What human being does that?!"

"And you…you wanted to prove him, that what he did was inhuman, doing something inhuman in return?"

"I didn't know what I was doing, alright? I was angry. I hadn't slept at all these fucking days! I was…I was not myself…"

I look at him, at his face. He really looks exhausted, and more sleepless nights await him. I want to say something, but I forgot what, or didn't even wanted to say anything in particular, just talk to him, start a subject, any subject, to keep him distracted. But I say nothing. I take out my phone and try to set the GPS for Bucharest.

"How, did you know I would be here?"

"Your eyes, after you talked with your father, I knew…and you didn't answer my calls. It was the first thing that came to mind."

I hope he believes me. I can't explain now everything to him, I don't even know what could I explain. I can't explain to myself what's happening with me. And he's already, fucked, by all that's happening to him, to talk with him about this…

"Yes, yes, I understand that. But still…"

"And your sister called me then, from your phone, telling me you left it there. Then I knew. And guess what, she was worried, alone, helpless. She was scared, and probably thought that you're gone too."

It's quiet now. We're sitting in silence, with only the GPS making a sound whenever I pass the speed limit or miss a turn. I'm sorry that I cut him short, and that I said those things to hurt him, to stop him from asking more questions. But I didn't know how to answer him. I don't know how I got in front of his father house.

I can't remember a thing from my driving to there. I just woke up parked in the very spot I needed to be. Once the story from the radio started, I blacked out. I was in trance, in which I probably…

Empty. No thoughts, nothing. Black. Head turns to left. Why am I looking at this graveyard? Why can't I turn my head back? What's happening?!

"What you doing?! Turn your head to the road, stop fucking around!"

Aaaargh! It hurts so deadly! My brain is violently pulled back by a string. I brake and pull over and finally stop. It's coming back…my brain.

"What's going on, are you alright? Hey!"

"Yeah! Yeah. Just, wait."

"No, you're not alright. Take a break. If you want, I'll drive."

"Just, let me…give me a moment to breathe."

I turn my head towards the cemetery. The string leads towards there. I think all that happened to me is tied to that cemetery. I need to find out why, but I can't go now, what would I explain to George. Pain starts wearing off.

"I'll take you to the train station."

"Don't worry about me, I can handle. Worry about that thing you just had earlier."

"Shut up and listen! I have a problem to solve. I'll go to a doctor here, he's a family friend. It's important. So I'm going to take you first to the station, watch you get on the train and leave, and…"

"You know a doctor here? I say we better get going to Bucharest and see a doctor there, and let me drive, you really don't look up to it."

I must get back there. My brain almost got ripped out of my head just to make me stop at this cemetery and…I've got to get answers, I had enough of not knowing what's happening with me, and I know there are answers. And I know they are there. I don't know why. Ahhh, how stupid it all sounds, I'm going crazy. But first, I must see George gone.

"No. I know that doctor, he's good, he knows me and what problems I have, he knows me since I was a kid. I'll take you to the station."

"But you know, I can get on my own to the station."

I turn and look at him with a fed-up face. Before I get to say anything, he continues.

"Alright, you don't have to make that face. I got it, we're going to the station."

I turn my head and keep driving.

"Do…?"

George started a question, more like it got out without his will but stopped the instant he heard himself.

"What?"

"Huh? What?"

"You wanted to say something? To ask me something?"

I look at George and he's a little panicked, but calm, heavily thinking, and a little terrified.

"I…you know this doctor here, and…the place, where I…and…no, no. Forget it. I don't know what I wanted. I'm overwhelmed."

"I know."

"You do?!"

"Yes, it's normal, after what you've been through…"

"Ah…yes, I, I, I'm just…"

"I understand, but I'll keep my promise. I'll sleep at you tonight, and we'll talk more about the move."

"Yeah…"

George was just in another place, at another time. He wasn't here with me at all. He was breathing rather anxiously. Silence took over the car, and we held onto it until we arrived at the station.

 *

"We have the IR 12473 train that should've arrived, 5 minutes ago. It seems like it's late."

"Yes, that's good, I'd like a ticket please."

"40 lei."

I get the money out and put them on the counter. I turn towards the timetable and check it while she makes the ticket. She's right, there's a train to Bucharest that's late, and it doesn't show how much longer it will take for it to arrive. Who knows how long I'll have to wait. I hear the secure exchange drawer being pushed back at me, take the ticket, and go towards the first line. George was waiting on a chair, looking at the ground and not moving at all. I sit next to him.

"Looks like we won't have to wait much. There's a late train that should've arrived some time ago. It should get here any minute now."

"Thanks a lot. If you wouldn't have come for me… You saved me. Thanks."

"You're a good guy, and a better friend. You'd have done the same. Now, we'll think of a way for you to repay me, no worries."

George looks at me, smiles.

"What? You think I did all this, for free? Not taking into consideration the gas I've spent… Boy, you're in a lot of debt."

From distance, the blaring horn of the train orders people to get away from the edge of the platform.

"C'mon, train's here. Get a bed ready for me, I'll sleep there tonight."

"I'll be waiting."

"Take care. And try to not kill anybody until you get home."

"Yeah good, funny."

George gets in the train, we wait there looking at each other, both too worried to stop. The train makes another loud noise and starts going. George gets in the wagon. I feel a little bad that I lied to him, about the doctor and all that. But I'm more relaxed now, knowing he's on the way home, safe.

I don't remember what more have I dreamt, but I think this was all. I hope. I don't think that there are any more events. I need to check that cemetery though. Why did it feel so recognizable? Familiar. Alluring. Why was it pulling me back to it?