Him and i - Dreams of trauma

I get up suddenly. I get out of bed. My clothes are wet, heavy, stuck to my body. I can barely breathe, like I haven't at all, all this time. A small scream comes out, but I stop. I realize. I get all my clothes off and lean on the wall, looking at my bed. It's all wet. A big puddle of sweat, covering the entire sheet. I breathe so hard, like I forgot how to. I pant. It was all just a dream. Just a dream. How can a dream be so real? I felt things…still feel them on my body. Throat feels swollen, sore, skin is softer, muscles are traumatized as if subjected to hard blows. Body is definitely overwhelmed.

I don't even know exactly what I've dreamt. But it was too real. Bed is soaking from my sweat, heart is exhausted, I feel like I ran in bed as I was dreaming. What the hell was I dreaming, that affected me this way? I still remember all that I was feeling in my dreams. I remember my last dream entirely, I think…it was horrible anyway, but everything else is foggy. Everything is fading away from me, slowly and I have to fight to bring them back. I had many dreams, that, I know. And I also know that at some point, I relieved the scenes in the cl…where?… I remember I…dreamt something that happened already…?…or maybe it was a recurring dream, one of those you keep dreaming but can't remember, but I can't remember one single dream from the multitude of dreams I just had now!… They're all gone!

My head is exploding. It hurts so bad when I try to remember. Fragments of my dreams come back to me. Feet were wet… It's terrifying. My heart is pounding, I'm sweating, gasping for air… No. I don't want to remember anymore. I try to calm down. I'm relaxing my muscles. I wait. I don't know what I'm waiting for. My phone rings suddenly near me.

I barely flinch, as if I was expecting something to happen. My body was in defence mode, prepared for the worst. Pulse was already accelerated, breathing chaotic, tense beyond measure, with chest pains. I learn again all these feelings, sensations. As if time spent in that huge lack of feelings made me forget them. It rings again. I look at the phone. George. He woke me up, from… I answer.

"My mother died!"

No. No. No, no, no, no, no. No. I want it to stop. It's the same story from the beginning. I remember this, I dreamt this. Am I still dreaming? This nightmare sensation doesn't end. This sensation that there is no escape, there is no way out of this series of events that is bound to happen. They are bound to be. Instead of waking up from this dream…this fucking nightmare, I woke up in the middle of it. With no possibility of escaping reality or anything else. I remember how George was standing in front of me, when he told me, this, in my dream. I already start projecting his image in my room, exactly how he was in my dream. The blackness, the mould… No. I can't do this, then, I won't be able to make the distinction between what's real and what's not. I want to know what's what…

"Do you hear me?! Why are…"

"Where are you? I'm coming right away."

"Home."

"I'm coming."

I close the call. I get dressed, can barely get the clothes on me because of my still sweaty skin. I grab my shoes in my hand and open the door. A piece of paper falls on the floor. It's from the landlord.

'if the rent from the last 2 months and the current one isnt paid in two weeks YOURE OUT ON THE STREETS!!!'

I remember this from the dream. Will everything that I dreamt, materialize into reality?! Dammit! What are we going to do? Where do we get, in two weeks, the money for three months of rent? We don't have enough time, we don't have who to borrow the money from. I can't stand here, in the doorstep, to think about this. I leave the note on the kitchen table and put my shoes on in the kitchen.

It's too quiet in the house, the elevator, the stairs, the street in front of the building. No one to ask me what am I doing, where am I going, how do I feel. I feel lonely, suddenly, and I don't know why.

I get out of the building, I see dad's work car parked at the curb, right in front of the entrance. So he's probably still sleeping, and mum said she was going to go to grandma's house today, stay a night there and come back tomorrow evening, she probably left a little earlier. That explains why the house felt so quiet. I feel a little hangover, but I'm too well rested to affect me. I can barely see through my eyes though, I didn't even get to wash my face. George is waiting for me. I pick up the pace and go towards George's.

*

I'm in the front of his door. I reach out, but hesitate. I don't want to knock. What if it happens again? It will happen again. I already know that, he told me on the phone. I don't want to believe. I don't know what to do. I pull out my phone, three missed calls, the ones from George, I open them to get rid of the notification and look at the time. It's 6:07 AM. I hear a noise coming from the door.

The door opens. It's Mara, his little sister, she's sobbing. Her face is filled with tears. After she opens the door, I was too of a coward to open myself, she runs away to her room. Probably to calm down her little brother, Răzvan. I can hear him crying from here. A ten years old girl, and a six years old boy, left without a mother. Cruel.

I enter the apartment and close the door behind. I hear screams, there's a fight in the living room. I can hear George's voice but, just that. I go to the wide-open door.

"I hope you die and go to hell!"

I enter the room, just with my head. Peeking around the corner. I see George, angry. He slams the phone down and notices me. I get in the room and walk towards him. He starts crying.

"I don't know what to do anymore…we'll end up on the streets."

"Easy, easy, calm down. Your brother and sister need you. You have to be strong. You won't end up on the streets, I won't let that happen. We'll help you, me, my family, friends. You are not alone, even if you feel that way now…"

He looks at me, eyes full of tears, face completely wet, and hugs me. But fuck me, I don't have the means to help him, and my family can't even make enough to keep ourselves from getting thrown out on the streets.

"Thank you! That bastard of a father doesn't want to have anything to do with us. He's just too busy with that whore he cheated my mother with to remember he had a wife, kids. And, and…and he doesn't want to hear about money problems, he doesn't want to help, not even with enough to bury her. He's sitting there, in his big house, not giving a fuck about us, since he's thrown us in the streets… Mother had to look for a place for us to live in, and we spent some days on the streets back then. With a just born kid and, and…and fuck him! He has a huge fucking pile of money under his ass, piece of shit. He didn't give mum a fucking dime after he threw her out. Not even now, while she was dying in the hospital… Nothing from him!"

"Hey, hey, we got this. We'll solve this problem."

"That's for sure. It doesn't end this way."

I begin to remember something, from the dreams I just had. I don't want to lose him. He's alone and ready to do something stupid. I think…he'll end his… I can't let him.

"George…"

He looks at me with his lost eyes, he doesn't know what to do, he's looking for an answer.

"You are not alone. We will help you, all of us. Don't do anything stupid. Tonight, I'm sleeping here. Alright?"

"Yea…that would be a good idea."

"Good."

"I have to go back to the hospital, there are things that I have to take care of…papers…paperwork."

He's completely lost in his thoughts. He hugs me once again, goes and tells his siblings that he's going to the hospital and he gets out. That fast. I didn't even get the opportunity to ask him what can I do to help. I just now realize, I'm in the room from the dream, the living room, exactly in the spot I was when… I remember perfectly now, everything was covered in mould, and…and even…

The lightbulb flickers. And suddenly goes out. I don't want to stay in this room. I go to the kids' room, now they are calm… The little one is sleeping, pillow fully wet from tears. The sister is looking after him, rocking him, rocking herself more. She's in shock. I don't know what to do. The light in the foyer started flickering too. The TV also. I look at them and whisper.

"I have to go…take some stuff from home and I'll come back. Are you good?"

"Yes, go."

I get out of their room, and quickly get out of the apartment. I'm a coward.

*

The entire walk back home I was thinking, what if it wasn't a dream…what if everything starts happening like in the dream…what if this… No. It's not possible. No matter how strange, how similar…dreams are dreams, and nothing more, I hope.

The sun's starting to show up, I look at the phone, but now the date catches my eyes. It's 21, how the hell did I not saw that until now? It's Sunday. Shit. I've slept a day and a night, and then some more. How the fuck? And I still feel a little hangover. How much did I drink Friday night? I look through the calls, I have a missing call from Sarah too, from Saturday morning. I call her. I know I dreamt her too, I don't know exactly what… She answers.

"Hey, I saw you called me…"

The call ends suddenly. I look at the phone. I press to call again and put the phone to my ear. It rings a few times, and then it stops. She declined my call. What the fuck, not you too, please tell me you are alright. I send her a message and try to call her again. I didn't get to put the phone to my ear, she declined. I wait and look at the phone screen. Maybe she tried to call me at the same time. I wait. Still. She doesn't call back. What if something happened to her? What if I dreamt her too and it wasn't good? What if she… Phone rings. I got a message. It's from her.

'I'm mad at you. I don't feel like talking now.'

Why is she mad? What have I done? If she doesn't want answer then I'm gonna text her.

'How did I make you mad? What is wrong with you? I want to talk.'

I get another message from her.

'I want you to leave me alone!!!'

I don't understand, what did I do to her that she's acting this way? I'm going to her, it already seems like I'm going to be on the roads today all day, or at least, I don't think I'll be able to sit in one place all day.

'Are you at the University? I'm coming to you to talk. Please answer the phone.'

I can't understand what I've done to her, I don't remember anything that would at least give me a clue. Last time…but it shouldn't have anything to do with her reason for being mad. That should be the reason for me being mad, after what happened that night…we haven't got to talk about that night… I have to get to her, I need her to explain what happened that night, and find out why is she mad at me.

I got back to my building. Dad's work car is still here. He was probably on the night shift. I get in the apartment, where I'm welcomed by the same silence that I left. Better. I pack quickly and quietly some things to sleep at George, as I'll go straight there after Sarah. I take my backpack and run to the subway.

*

As I descend the subway steps, I feel how I'm gradually losing contact with reality. I can't hear my steps anymore, all the other background sounds get muffled or completely disappear. My sight gets murky at times. The only thing that I see clearly are the white neons on the ceiling. They are flickering. It won't be long until they go out. All of them.

I try to run, to get out of there, but I'm completely confused, disoriented, I don't know where I should go. Everything is dark around me, except the long hallway that leads…nowhere, and that is barely illuminated. I see a GSM store, with a red ad in the window. I'm stuck in front of it, looking at the window, at the ad. It was an advertisement completely made of neons, I think, an old dial phone, with the handset shaking, giving the sensation it was ringing.

The lights above start flickering even more. At the end of the hallway, the last neon goes out. My heart starts pounding. Why am I scared? I don't know. I can't think right now. Even my leg shakes from fear. It's just the fear of the unknown. A familiar feeling. Neons start going out, one after the other, darkness covering the hallway, and coming after me. Even the one behind me goes completely out.

No more lights. Only the advertisements of the store were lit. The LED's and colourful neons. But even those start going out, one after the other. I can barely see. But the red phone ad is still on. The shaking receiver makes the ad light so more intense. It's becoming blinding. The red light radiates, vibrates, synchronously with the receiver. I can hear the vibrations of the light. They are not coming from the ad.

It's coming from me; I feel the vibrations shaking my leg. In my pocket. It's my phone. I answer. The lights come back, all lit again. Everything comes back. I can breathe freely, all the weight that was crushing me disappeared with the darkness. I'm so relieved. I put the phone to my ear.

"I'm sorry. You've…you've always been with me. My best friend I ever had… I'm sorry that I'll hurt you…again. I didn't want this…"

It's Matt, crying. I remember, the dream from the club, but I don't remember what happened two nights ago. I was drunk.

"Matt, tell me where you are."

"I can't let it end this way. She hurt me! I have to show her how much she hurt me. I have to show her how much she made me suffer. She'll see how much I'm suffering."

"Matt, calm down. Please, tell me where you are. I'm coming to you, to talk, to help. Let me help you…"

He's not talking anymore. Just laughing, silently.

"Let me help you! Tell me where the fuck you are! Don't to something stupid—"

"It's nothing stupid what I'm about to do. I'm sorry. But I can't keep suffering like this…not alone."

"Wait!"

He closed. I remember this, it happened in the dream. It's going to happen the same, here, in reality… But I can't fucking remember what happened in the dream! I crouch. I put my head into my hands. I concentrate, I hold tight my head, fighting with the pain of remembering. But I can't. I try, I really try. I punch myself in the head. And again. I keep hitting until the inside pain, is outdone by the outside one.

Memories come so hard, so fast, so hurtful. It hurts my brain. I pull my hair as hard as I can, I can even hear it tearing apart. I'm going to force that information out of me. I remember a block, someone jumps. I start dizzying, from the all kinds of pains, but I push it. I just have to name the images I see in front of me, to not forget them again. A balcony, house, mountain, two people, old man, and the redhead. It's them, Matt is going after them. And the blood…

Everything goes away instantly. I fall, my brain blacks out. Why can't I focus on anything? Where am I? Fuck! He's going to kill them. No… I can't deny, too many coincidences to risk it. I'm taking it as a fact. Now, I don't know where to go. I'm at the subway still. I get up and back up to the surface. He said he's going to show her. Maybe he's at Andrea's house, but it's too far to get there in time on foot. I pull out the phone and call her. She's not answering. I get out of the subway and sprint back to my home.

Light, is covering most of my view, I can see very little of the ground, and the blinding white ahead of me. What is happening with me? I pulled too hard to get that dream…

I don't have time. I try to call again. She's not answering. I need to know, it's not too late. I hope I have time. I get home and I take my dad's work car. I don't see any other way. It's an emergency. I actually don't care what he's going to say. It's the only way to get in time.

I arrive to my building, I get in, take the elevator, call again. Nothing. Get out and stop suddenly in front of the door. If he's awake, all is fucked. I'm gasping for air like I've never tasted it before. It's noisy. I try hard to calm down, to slow down my breathing, but it's not possible. I put the key in, unlock, hold breath, open door, take shoes off, step silently but quickly to the kitchen, lights out, no noise, I'm loosing my consciousness, see the keys, grab them, hit my pinky toe in the table leg, noise, pain, nothing, step out quicker and silenter, close the door, lock. Breathe.

I almost lost my consciousness there in the kitchen. Being found by my father, passed out on the kitchen floor, with the car keys in my hand. That would've been ugly. I shake my head. Everything comes back. I put on my shoes and go.

*

If I drive fast on the Basarab Overpass I should get there in minutes. I managed to take the keys without making noise, too much of it anyway, but it's still risky. I don't know at what hour my father got home last night, and I don't know when he'll wake up. I just have to get back before that. Before he sees the car missing.

I drive on the overpass with over 130 km/h, my luck it's Saturday morning and there's no traffic at all. I get to an intersection with red light, but I have a flashing green to right. Nobody's out here at this hour. I brake hard, turn, accelerate. The car is fighting hard to not get overturned. With me constantly looking left, and behind me as I make the turn. Nobody's here at this hour.

As soon as I got on the middle lane, I start turning my head back to the front, keeping my sight behind to check the blind spot, then the wing mirror, and then…the radio starts suddenly.

"…the hearse driver got out unharmed, sadly, we can't say the same for…"

The radio noise scares me. I finally look ahead. Black. The only colour I can make out from the image ahead of me. In short time, the rest of the colours, start painting the picture, covering the black from the exterior to the interior, where a black spot remains still. It takes the form of a car. Work car, like my father's, an SUV, black, coming from the opposite direction, on the same lane, right towards me.

I smash the brakes, pull hard left, then hard right, everything happened in less than a moment. The car felt like it was on two wheels. I barely avoided that accident. The distance between the black car and my car was less than a meter. Why was it going on the wrong way, towards me? When there are two other lanes to drive on, if you really like to drive on the oncoming traffic, and his three lanes. I think he did it intentionally. He wanted to crash me. I look in the rear-view mirror, it's gone. The black car…

The road, same as before, deserted. I turn my head to look behind, maybe the mirror was wrong. But no, same street, no cars. Nothing. The car that almost hit me, was from the same security company my dad works for. I remember the car inscriptions. Also, the same model, and make, and colour. It was perfectly similar to the one I'm driving right now. Like I was about to smash into a mirror.

I check again behind. I don't see any mirror in the middle of the road. I just now realize I was driving slowly; I can't afford to second think this. I have to get to Matt. I move on, continue to drive fast, checking behind me from time to time. All this gave me a strong sensation of déjà vu. Maybe I also dreamt this…but I don't think so. The other memories didn't feel the same. And I can't remember if I did dream this.

I'm on the street Andrea's living on. I pull out my phone and call her again. Voice mail. I'm right in front of her building. I pull over, stop the engine. I have a strong feeling in my gut. I haven't eaten, in like two days, but it's not this. This feeling of emptiness lays in my soul. Like something horrible is about to happen, but it already happened, and it cannot be stopped.

I don't know, I had this feeling since George called. I start shaking. I'm too scared to get out of the car. I think I'm too late. I lean forward and look through the windscreen at the floor Andrea's on. I search for their balcony and look at the windows to the left and right of the balcony. Everything seems calm in there. I don't see any movement. But there's not much to see from here.

I grab the door handle and open the door. I instantly hear a loud honk and pull it back. I see a car passing by. I need to clear up my mind. I check in the side mirror, no traffic. I open the door again and get out. As soon as I place my feet on the ground, I feel how I'm going down. I didn't notice how overwhelmed I am. I grab the car door and the roof and sit back in the car.

My knees went weak. I feel very weak. My whole body feels numb. Muscles not responsive, mind tired, I feel like I'm about to pass out every second now. I keep my eyes on the cement wall across the street. It's full of drawings, colourful, mostly obscene, and filled with tags. I watch them close, analyse them, I try to keep my mind focused. I try to not pass out.

After a little while, looking closely at the wall, I notice some movement behind it, through a crack. I get out of the car, I'm better. I turn around to the building, look at Andrea's balcony, then at the open window left of it, and yell.

"An…!"

I try to scream but my voice cracks. I cough, try to clear my throat, and try again to yell.

"Andr—!"

"Andreeaaaaa!"

I got interrupted by someone crying the same name. It's a desperate voice. It's Matt! It also comes from outside, somewhere close. I look around but I can't see him.

"Look…look at me, this is what you want?! This is what you wish?! Will you be happy now?! Don't worry I'm going to be the one…I'll make you happy!"

He was yelling louder and louder. I don't get where his voice comes from, but somewhere behind me. Beyond the wall? Across the street, beyond the three meters wall, there's a field. Maybe…

"Aaaaaaaa!"

It was cry of terror, this time a woman. I look up, it's Andrea, holding her hands to her mouth. Like she saw something…

"HaHaHaHaaaa! That's what you wanted, no?!"

I go to the wall and try to watch through the crack, but I can barely see, I only make out some human body, but it looks…naked? I take a step back and look left and right. I see a traffic sign, very close to the wall. I go to the traffic sign and grab it pushing my back against the wall. Climbing it up, using the wall also, I get high enough to put my forearm over the edge of the wall. I grab the wall, push with my feet against the sign, and get to climb on top of it. I look at the field beyond the wall…

Oh, God! I throw myself on the other side without even looking down. I get up and run towards him as fast as I can. What the fuck is he doing?! It's Matt, naked, wet from head to toes, leaning on a dead tree. He has piles of branches and trash, and empty bottles of alcohol, and some zippo lighter fluid canisters. It's not water or alcohol, on him, it's gas.

His clothes are tied to each other, making a fuse that leads from the pile of branches under him to his hand. Fuse that'll light up the pyre he made for himself, the pyre he sits in. With a hand he's holding the vodka bottle to his mouth and with the other, the fuse and the zippo lighter which is already ignited. The flame dances so close to the textile of the fuse… He notices me and throws the bottle at me, after that he pulls a knife from the tree. I stop running.

"Aah! Cousin. You…you came to assist on my…my party of, of, of…of bon voyage!"

A small breeze makes the flame lean just a little more towards the textile. It was soaked in alcohol, maybe gas. It was just enough to ignite the whole pyre at once. With Matthew in it. It's burning. He looks towards the building.

"Look! Aaah! How I burn for you, literally!"

He was all covered in flames. He was holding his hands behind, holding onto the tree, to not escape from there. The pain is distorting his face. I dash, throw myself over him, in the middle of the bonfire, and I try to throw him out. I can't. He's holding too hard onto the tree. He looks at me, straight into my eyes and spits me.

"Let me burn! I must… You…never my friend!"

He can't even speak properly, without screaming from pain. His mouth reeks of alcohol, even in all this smoke and fire. I'm burning too because of this fucker. I grab him by what was left of his hair, and by his hand, and throw him out of the pyre. Out of the fire. Both on the ground, I start hitting my arm that caught on fire, and then jump on him to roll him on the ground. He starts struggling, he pushes me away and tries to get up and throw himself on the fire again. But he just trips and falls back. He's dizzy. Part of him was still burning, but I manage to get to him and put him out. He's still struggling to get out from under me, he sees he can't, he gets his face right into mine and looks me straight in the eyes. Crazy.

"I must burn. Don't you understand? It's for her!"

I use this moment of stillness and smash his jaw with my punch as hard as I can. He drops down, limp, almost dead. But with eyes open, he's looking ahead into nothing. I release him and get up. His body just lays on the ground, naked, still steaming. He's doing nothing, saying nothing.

He's so lucky he's drunk, otherwise he'd be crying from the pain right now. Then, it looks like he passed out. I turn him to a side and cover him with my hoodie.

Andrea was still at the window, shocked, she witnessed the whole scene. I pull out my phone and call 112. I tell them where we are, what happened, and what route to take to get on this side of the wall. They tell me a car was already on the way and are trying to get here as fast as they can. I close the call and look at Matt. He's so still, compared to how he was moments ago. I check his nose, he's still breathing. Everything is so still now. Like it never happened what just happened. Images from the whole event come back in front of me, just the important stuff, the striking ones, the gruesome ones.

"You are so fucking stupid."

Part of his hair is burnt, but it didn't get to the skin, it can still grow. Other than that, he doesn't look that bad. Half of his body is covered in burns, but it looks better than it should after all that happened. It's good he didn't have any clothes on him. In distance, I see Andrea climbing down the wall, falling, and running towards us. I sit down and look at Matt's sleeping face.

"You got her to come in a breath back to you. I don't understand what went through your mind when you decided to do this…"

Andrea gets here and kneels near Matt. She tries to wake him up, but she's afraid to touch him.

"Let him. We better wait for the people that know what to do. He's still breathing so it's good."

The silence of the morning is penetrated by the sound of sirens. It wasn't a perfect silence, as the pyre was still burning behind us. I almost forgot about it.

"He's not good. He doesn't look good at all!"

She seems full of remorse; she looks like she's regretting all her decisions taken in her entire life. She starts caressing his back, softly, taking extreme care to not touch his burns. The car that made all that noise, finally got here. It was a compact intervention vehicle. The firemen get out, one puts out the pyre, and other two go to Matt, envelop him in a Fire/Trauma blanket and get him on a stretcher. They get him in the car, Andrea goes too with Matt. They close the doors and leave with the sirens blaring.

I look on the phone. It's 6:46 AM. I'm still in shock from what happened right now, I'm still processing everything. It was like in the dream, almost, was I supposed to burn too? I don't remember what happened in the dream. Vision. There are already two events that I dreamt and happened. Visions would be the more correct term.

I can't fill my head with these stupid thoughts right now. I get up, climb the wall back and get into the car. I set off to Sarah. She's mad at me and I have no idea why, and how to solve this.

*

Traffic got livelier now. I have to call George, I'm already having a shitty day, and I don't want it to get even worse. He's not answering. Probably he's still dealing with the papers at the hospital. It's so sad. I don't think he knows what needs to be done in all these circumstances. And why would he know? He's too young to deal with so much. He doesn't have the money for the funeral, or to raise his family. He's last year at university. If he gets a job now, he won't be able to finish school, but otherwise, who'd take care of him and his brothers.

But doesn't he have 4 rooms? He could rent, or sell for… Or we could help each other. We could move in his apartment, as we already are going to be thrown out, and we can pay him rent, and take care of the house and his brother and sister while he's studying. And this way he won't have to take a job until he finishes his studies. And we'd have a place to stay in until we get better financially. So good, everything seems to be solved now. I can't wait to tell them my idea.

I'm close to Sarah's university, I pull out my phone and call her again. Declined. I want to talk to her, why does… It's good is Saturday, the university parking lot is empty. I park the car and get in. I don't know where her room is, but I find a guard and ask him where the admission preparation course is taking place. He doesn't know, there are no classes on summer break. I call her friend, Emma. She answers.

"Hey. It's Sarah with you?"

I don't get any answer. I look at the phone screen, the call is ongoing.

"Hello, can you hear me?"

I hear noises, numbers pressed. I try to listen closely. I hear steps, two people talking quietly, steps again, and a door opening. But it sounded odd. I take the phone away from the ear, and hear a door closing. I walk quickly towards the end of the corridor where it intersects with two other corridors.

"Ok, now you can talk."

I hear her on the phone.

"Wait a second."

I stop in the middle of the intersection and look around, I see her, she was in front of a class door. I close the phone and run to her. She sees me too.

"Hey…?"

"Hey, what's she doing? She's in class too?"

"Yes, but she doesn't want to talk with you at all, she told you that."

"I know, yes, she told me. But I just want to speak with her, just a little. I want to know what's wrong, why is she mad."

"I don't think you'll get that out of her. She didn't even want to talk with me."

"Did something happen with her? Is she alright?"

"I don't know, she's just, angry, sad. Depressed."

"Did something happen these days? Did you notice a change? Something?"

"No! She hadn't talked to me, what can't you understand? Don't you think I'm worried? Last time I talked to her was Friday night. We texted until late, then we both went to sleep, there was no problem. It happened after that. Next morning, she wasn't herself, then she stopped answering my texts, until today, when she just showed up here. She looks terrible. She doesn't take care of herself, she looks like she hasn't ate or slept at all these days. I thought something happened between you two guys."

"I don't know why she could be like this. Please help me. I really need to talk to her."

"I want to help. I don't like at all the way she is right now. She had periods of time when she was like this, not many, but before you. And anytime I tried to interact with her, it got worse. I learned to let her deal with it."

"I don't want to make it worse, but I can't let her deal with it, I feel is part of my duty to help her deal with it. And I don't know what I've done wrong. That's what I'm trying to figure out, to solve this. Please…I want the best for her too."

"I know man, she was hugely depressed before meeting you. Your relationship really made her well… Look… I'm going back in classroom and tell her the school secretary needs to talk to her. You go wait for her near the secretariat. It's there, at the end of the corridor, on left, you go right and hide so she won't see you."

She points me to where I should go and where to stay hidden. She stops, she looks again at me, like she's trying to figure out my intentions and then she turns to the classroom door.

"Ok, thank you a lot."

She grabs the door handle and before she opens the door, she says one more thing.

"Please do so that she's alright again."

"I promise."

She opens the door and gets in. I can hear her steps, her talking softly to Sarah I guess, and a chair moving, and another set of steps, coming. I run towards where Emma showed me. I see the notice board, something's off about it, and I pass the secretariat, and hide in a deep doorway on the opposite wall, wide enough to hide my body. I wait for her to come. I heard the door close while running. I hear her steps, echoing. I'm panicking. I don't know what to do. What if I can't calm her down, what if I can't fix this? She said she doesn't want to see me. What can I say to apologise?

I don't know what I did wrong, I don't know what to apologise for. I hear her steps coming closer. I peek out and see her, and I quickly pull my head back. I got scared. Maybe she saw me. What if she saw me? I hear her steps going on, same as before, nothing changed about them. She hasn't noticed. She stops.

"Wait."

I get out of the doorway and see her standing with her hand reaching for the door handle. She turns her eyes to me and gets angry. As soon as she sees me, she loses it.

"You? This is what you are doing now? Plotting with my friend against me?"

She starts walking towards me.

"We are not plotting anything, and definitely not against you. We just want to help you. I, just want to help you."

"I told you I don't want to talk to you or see you right now. And you're forcing yourself in, like you don't understand me at all. And I don't…"

"I don't understand, what have I done to you? Tell how the fuck have I wronged you, that you are so mad, that you can't get over. Because to me it seems more like you're exaggerating."

"What?! I'm exaggerating?! I…"

"Yes! I haven't cheated on you; I haven't lied to you; I haven't hurt you in any possible fucking way. I just, don't, know, what, I did! What is wrong with you? Did something happen? Tell me! I want to help, I care about you, I…I want to do anything for you… Please…"

"It's not just what happened that night…even if it wasn't the first time you did it. But no, it's not that. But this time, you just ran out and left me there, laying in filth, like I was a piece of trash. That I didn't even deserved being picked up. But no! It's not that. It's not fucking that at all. I moved on. It's about what you said to me, the next night."

"Friday night?"

"Yes, Friday night! More precisely at 3 in the morning!"

"I was…at the club. I couldn't have told you anything. I was with…"

I feel a sudden throbbing pain in my head. It's something in the corner of my eye that hurts, that itches like hell, something that's burning the white of my eye. Like a ray or a powerful laser pointed in that area. Even if it's not good to look directly at a laser, I feel I must.

And I turn to that direction, but there's nothing else than the notice board. No powerful laser, reflection, or even the faintest light. The light, the itch, the head throbbing pain, all are gone. I look closely but there's nothing that could even get my attention to that notice board. I just see different posters with team buildings and trips. I turn back to Sarah for she mustn't believe now that I'm not giving her attention.

"…George. I stayed and drank all night with him."

"George?"

"Yes. No. Actually wait…"

Why did I say George?

"I wanted to say Matt."

"Well which one is it? George or Matt? And you took your time to think up the name, and the wrong one for that."

"It's Matt. You can call him if you want, he'll confirm…"

Oh wait. She can't call him. Poor bastard's in hospital now, sleeping or still passed out. And I can't tell her to call Andrea, I don't know what she'll think then, besides, the two of them went through a lot.

"But you can't call him."

'Look here!'

I hear a faint whisper, close, like someone spoke right in my ear. No, even closer, much closer. Like I whispered to myself, it came from inside. I look around me, besides Sarah, there's no one on the corridor. I see nobody else, hear nobody else.

"Of course I can't call him. But please do tell me, why can't I call him? What are you doing? Who are you looking for? Are you listening even a bit to what I'm saying?"

"Yes, yes, yes. I'm here. Sorry. Thing is, he had an…accident today. I came straight here, right after that."

"What, who? Matthew?"

"Yes, he was taken by an ambulance."

"Is he OK? What happ…?"

'Look here. C'mon. Come. Look! Come!'

Again, same voice whispering close, yelling actually, but at a low volume. It seems so familiar, the voice, it's like I'd totally recognize the…person if I'd see it. Calm, though its existence scares me, but it also soothes me… No. I can't give attention to it, I went trough too much today, I think I'm just going nuts.

"What did you ask?"

"What happened with him, how's he doing? And what happened to you? …you don't look, so good…"

"He…yes, he's ok now. He's at the hospital. He b…"

"Look here!"

This time it yelled, loud, and felt like it was part of my world now. It's not whispering anymore, not talking from somewhere far inside me, not hidden anymore. It's here. I hear it as if it was me talking.

"He's not…he's not very good. When I got to him, he, he…he b…"

"Look! Here!"

I start shaking, stuttering, I don't know what I'm thinking right now, what I'm trying to say. Each time I try to talk about it, I remember, I see that image crystal clear in my head, like I'm again there. I see Matt burning. Yelling… And there's this voice that doesn't leave me alone!

"Hey, are you good? Why are you stuttering so much?"

"No I'm, good. Everything is ok, sorry, but I still…"

The voice starts singing on a lullaby rhythm.

"Looo-ooo-kyy heeee-ree… Looo-ooo-kyy heeee-ree… Looo-ooo-kyy heeee-REE!"

"He set himself on fire!"

I realized what I said, what I yelled. Sarah's face is shocked, she's scared by my reaction, and by what I said. I…I don't know how to stop this voice in my head…!

"You could look here."

Where? Where should I look? Ah…I started talking to myself, in my head. I can't believe I'm having an internal conversation with my own craziness.

"Matthew?!"

I start feeling again the itch on the corner of my eye. I try to scratch with my finger, maybe it goes away.

"Yes, I found him naked, stuck to a dead tree, over a pile of clothes, bottles, gas, branches, whatever. He ignited the fuse, which set the pyre in flames. He got…he was…on fire, in front of me."

I see Sarah covering her mouth with her hand, she's shocked, by her quick eye movement, I realize she's trying to imagine it. The whole scene. I see her how she becomes more and more terrified. I reach out to her, to stop her from imagining, to calm her… But the itch! It became so unbearable, it burns again. I start scratching with my hand. The harder it hurts the harder I scratch.

"Look here. Look. Look. Look. Look. Look. Look. Look. Just look already!"

The pain becomes so intense, the voice so annoying, I just stop scratching, open my eyes, and look there. There's a m…an odd man with an odd cigarette in his mouth, looking crazy… It's…it's…it's an anti-smoking ad.

"Not ye…not there! Look over here."

My eyes move instantly to the left, there are some posters about trips. My body moves towards the notice board, almost mechanically. Yes, I was curious to see the posters I had so much to look at, but I didn't command my feet to start walking. I get in front of the notice board, it's a huge poster, about a trip to Brasov. I take a step even closer.

The background image of the poster, it's a mountain, and it has big white letters that read: 'Brasov'. Like the Hollywood sign. Like the dream. I remember how the landscapes formed in front of my eyes, and the white letters on the freshly risen mountain. And what I've seen afterwards. Now I remember, George said it's not going to end like this…before, a few days ago, when he found his mother crying in her hospital bed, after she talked with their father on the phone. There's a smell, stingy, strong, but that was just passing by, it's gone and the source of it, can't get through my mind what could've been.

That smell brings me back a memory. I remember that his father lived in Brasov with his wife. Yes, I know he's still there. The smell long passed away. Just a faint aroma remains behind, reminding me it was kind of a nice smell, too nice, nostrils burning kind of smell. It gave a sense of addiction. I take a deep breath. I have to run, I have to get to him, this time, in time. I intent to dash towards the exit, but I stop suddenly. Sarah saw my intention. She instantly knew what I wanted to do, and instantly looked even sadder.

"I must… I'm sorry I'm leaving you like this again, but it's urgent. I must run."

I start running towards the exit. I stop to look back. She was still a little shocked by the news about Matt, but she was angry at me, she looks at me, disappointed, she wasn't expecting me to do this. Again. I can't stop. I continue running towards the car. Flashes, quick, unfocused, murky, images come back, images from my dream, from what happened at the house in Brasov. Images with the two…people, with the flames that were engulfing me. All this gives me an itch on the skin. I felt how I was burning in that dream. I remember the pain. I was really burning…

I get in the car and start the engine. I have to get to Brasov fast, but where in Brasov? I don't know where his father lives, I don't know where George used to live. And I can't remember more from the dream. Just the thought that I have to force myself again to remember gives me an insane pain in my head. I'll call him, maybe he answers. I pull out the phone and call George. Call doesn't connect, he turned his phone off.

I drive to Brasov, I'll try to remember more info on the way, but it seems like the dream doesn't want to give me anything more. This is the only thing I can do, and if I don't remember more, I'll wait for him at the train station, I just hope I'll get there before him.

I can't believe I'm trusting my nightmares to come true now. But on the bright side, I'm following my dreams… But besides that, I have to do this, what happened until now was no coincidence. Too many turned real to be all just coincidences. I'm at the point that I must take everything that I dreamt as premonitions.

Sarah's face comes to mind, and keeps coming. I haven't solved anything with her. As a matter of fact, I made it worse, and I shouldn't have told her about Matt. I was selfish. And I ran again, from her. The two nights I ran…and…anyway, I fucked up our relationship. Now I don't think I have anything left to save.

*

My eyes are dry, and tired. I don't even know if I blinked today. They feel dry, I manually blink a few times, and it feels odd. But I keep driving and blinking from time to time. A sign told me that I just got out of the city, Bucharest, and am now on DN1. The road is clear from now on. Traffic is almost non-existent at this hour. I pull out my phone and call Andrea.

"How are you doing? How's Matt?"

"He woke up, but he's suffering from the burns now. I'd give him the phone, but he'd force himself too much to talk right now."

"No, no. It's better to let him recover. I'll pass by, sometime to…morrow. What are you still doing there? Why aren't you going home? You must feel tired."

"I don't know. I'm scared. I don't want to lose him."

"Two days ago, you said you don't want him."

"I don't know what I want! I still care about him. I'll stay here, until he gets better."

"Please, take care of him, you saw in what state you brought him…" Fuck. "…I'm sorry"

Andrea takes a big pause. She wanted to say something but changed her mind, and let only half a sound out. She's just breathing in the phone.

"I will. I promise."

I felt remorse in her voice. She feels guilty for what the bastard did. Who knows, maybe he really saved his relationship. Maybe I should try this too with Sarah. Stupid. I'd do that though, and infinite more, to stop her from leaving me. She's worth…

Phone rings. My train of thoughts got interrupted. It scares me, the thought that it could be dad calling. I check the phone, it's George. I answer.

"George, what the hell are you doing, I've been trying to call yo…"

"It's not George, it's me, Mara…"

Fuck… He probably left his phone home. He decided to go after his father right after their fight.

"Do you know where my brother is?"

"I'm sorry Mara but…"

It's just a kid, staying alone, with her little brother, and their mother just died. And now feeling abandoned by their brother also. Taking all this in consideration, I have to think very carefully of what to say.

"Mara, George, it's occupied right now, he's signing papers and talking with all kind of people to move on with the funeral. He can't speak right now, he even forgot his own phone at home, but he can't speak right now on the phone. Do you have a message for him? I can pass it forward and tell him to get back to you as quick as he can."

I stop talking, it's already too much and she might start to suspect something is…

"Yes. Tell him to come home already…"

"I will and I'll take care that he comes home, faster."

Another long pause from her. I really think she doubts every word I just said, but she's to scared to say something.

"Thank you."

She closed. Better that I didn't told them what's happening, but still… I promised them I'll get him home. What if I can't hold my promise? Please George, stop from whatever you're about to do. Don't destroy your life, and their lives. I accelerate and try to drive as fast as I can, but still, I don't have enough driving experience, and with this feeling I'm walking a thin line between what's real and what's not, I feel like I'm about to loose control of the car any second now… But I keep pushing.

Even if he went straight to the train station, he still had to wait for the next train to Brasov, and the train can't get there faster than the car, at least not in Romania. But it's still too close, how long I stayed with Matt and Sarah, I don't know how fast his train came… How could I not figure it out faster? I'm stupid, it was so evident…from his comportment and how he left immediately after. And I even had the dream in my head. Stupid…

I can't understand how I dreamt everything that happened today. And every time I remember the event from the dream, but after it already happens. What good for?! To foresee things, but to remember them only after it already happens. While my friends suffer. I try to understand the absurdity of this completely irrational thing that's happening to me… I don't know what's to be done in this situation. There's no reason to keep trying to find an explanation, it's not worth it. It's not like I have what and where to look for to find answers. Driving like a maniac, with little to no control over me, to an uncertain destination. What am I doing? I pull over and stop the engine.

It's quiet. I wait a little in this quietness, no thoughts no noise.

Now what?

If I go back and something happens to George…I wouldn't be able to sleep at night, for a long time. Knowing that I could've stopped him, even with the slightest chance… But if I try to remember my dream, I'll get immense head pains, unbearable, worse than death. Fuck! And either way, I still don't think I'd remember something, after the infernal pains. I don't think there's anything left to remember. I don't even know if there's anything left to remember. How can I look for something I don't know that I don't know?! FUCK!

No. I can't. I'll just go on instinct. And not even that. Sheer luck or whatever. I'll be there, and search like a madman for… Maybe I'll recognize some buildings or landmarks from the dream on my way to the train station. But if there's a train that George could've caught, and already arrived before me, I'll have to…search like a madman.

I start the engine and get back on the road, again. I don't know what I'm doing anymore, my thoughts are a mess. My mind is in chaos. I think about Sarah, and the nights I ran…and about Matt and what happened in club, what happened this morning. And what happened to George, and his sister and brother, and what he's about to do now. And what if I don't get in time?

And then, when everything calms down, becomes still, quiet, and peaceful, these…images from my dreams come forward and pass before my eyes, all of them. But not slow enough to learn anything from them, and not fast enough to not be appalled by them. Like they are some quick jump scares that go away from my memory just so they can come back with the same punch and scare me again like the first time. Like a phantom memory. A memory that I can't access.

If I could just stop all this, if I could just stop my brain for a moment…

I better turn on the radio, maybe it'll cover the noise in my mind. I turn it on, but just to hear cracking sounds, and I change the stations from cracking sounds, to static, hums and just indescribable noise. I keep searching manually, keeping the button pressed at this point, and keeping my eyes on the road. Until, from all that noise, comes suddenly, nothing. I stop. It's quiet, maybe something will play. But nothing comes. I turn it up, to maximum. Press again and close it. It's no use, I won't catch any station in this area. I'll just have to…

"…that makes your journey more vivid."

Radio starts out of nowhere at maximum volume. I turn it down immediately. It was more painful than scary, the sudden burst of noise. At least I got radio. I turn the volume back to an acceptable level and keep on driving. Now, the voice is soothing.

"Next, comes a fascinating story, received just this morning on email. ...