Her True Form

Yvette woke up instantly at the first sounds of the birds chirping outside. She slid out of her bed and ran to the window, shoving the wooden slats open. The bird outside took flight with a startled chirp, driven from its comfortable perch.

She didn’t care. The air felt sweeter, the sun brighter, the world just sounded better. From her vantage point high in the tower, she could just barely see out over the stone walls separating them from the rest of the town.

The angle prevented her from seeing the people walking the streets, but judging by the occasional yell, the creek of carts and the light clip clop of metal shoes against stone, she was hardly the first one awake.

She could have laid in bed longer, but as it was there was no way she could sleep. She hummed with a giddy grin before doing a little spin and looking around the room that had been her home since she was a child. Now it was almost barren. All of the clutter and treasures she had acquired were gone from her wardrobe around her bed, leaving it ready for whoever would replace her. Her privacy screen was closed and pushed against the wall. Her desk had a few scrolls on top of it, somewhat stained by ink and a pair of books neatly stacked on each other in the corner. The after effects of a night of planning for the day’s encounter. She walked to the desk, her hand flowing over the scrolls for a moment. A single word and the ink flowed up, off of the paper and to her fingers, before burning away in a small puff of smoke. Nodding with satisfaction, she bundled up the now cleaned scrolls and tossed them into the open satchel resting at the foot of her bed. She then glanced at the books and picked them up. Both were identical, with a paw print on the cover in golden ink, however one was far older and more damaged than the other. She placed the nicer one on top before moving to her bag and slowly dropping them inside.

The bag was a gift from her master to aid her on her journeys. No proper mage could travel without their books, even if they were heavy. The bag itself appeared small and mundane, without any decoration and only a single opening at the top. Despite only weighing a few pounds, inside it held all of the objects she’d gathered over the years. Clothing, arcane tools, books, as well as the equipment she would need for her journey, wherever she ended up.

Hanging on the back of the door were her garments for the morning. A simple, if well kept, brown robe. Today was the final day of her apprenticeship. She would be trading in her simple, brown robe for the light blue of a journeyman’s. There was only one final discussion.

Yvette let out another squeal, unable to stop herself from jumping again in excitement. She quickly moved to a small mirror hanging on the wall, eyeing her reflection. She held out her right hand and gave a light hum, before running the fingers through her hair. Soon, the wild and erratic strands were almost managing to stay down and, most importantly, they stayed in place. She shook her head once, the brown locks refusing to move from their position curled just above her neck.

Then, slowly, she leaned in close to the mirror before giving a shudder. Just a hint of hair could be seen across her chin. She held up her index finger and gave another light hum. A small spark flashed on the tip before she rubbed it along her face, leaving the skin soft and smooth. Satisfied, she lightly placed her palm’s together. “Cleanse,” she whispered. A soft, cool wave flashed over her body, leaving her entirely pristine without a drop of dirt or sweat on her or her clothing. While it didn’t compare with a true bath, she didn’t have the patience to draw one. Once more she turned to the mirror, a grin on her face.

Her smile wilted softly at the sight of at least a dozen different things she didn’t like. “If I just transformed myself a little… it’s not like I’ll be using that much magic today...” she mumbled, slowly running a finger along her jawline. She then shook her head and lightly slapped her cheeks. “No! Come on, Yvette. You can do this. Today is the day. Today, you become a journeyman. You only have to make it one more day,” she said happily, relief rising inside her. Even if she didn’t feel perfect now, she just had to be patient. She then turned, grabbing her robe off the door and sliding it on. It felt coarse and uncomfortable across her body, but it at least felt familiar.

Soon, she’d wear the light blue robes, which were far more comfortable and made for travel. Everything she’d worked for lead to today. All that remained in the room was the bag she’d be taking with her. She wanted to grab it now, but she knew that wouldn’t be ‘proper’.

With a slow, deep breath, she raced to the door and yanked it open.

She was slammed into immediately, almost falling over when a slightly shorter girl hugged her. “Tebaud! Today’s the day! Are you excited?” the girl asked, staring up at her.

Yvette cringed, barely managing to keep her smile from fading. “Don’t call me that. Yvette. My name is Yvette. Of course I am. What are you doing up this early, Ermina? Your lessons won’t be for hours yet.”

“It’s your last day here, how could I not see you off?” she asked before pulling back. She looked Yvette over and frowned. “You’re going to wear that?”

“It’s an apprentice robe, Ermina.”

“I know, but today is special, Tebaud. Don’t you think you should try and act more proper?”

Yvette sighed, already feeling that all too familiar scrutiny from the younger apprentice, cringing each time she was called by that name. She suspected Ermina was trying to make a point. “I am being proper. There’s nothing wrong with being myself, especially on today of all days.”

“If you say so. Have you decided where you’re going to go, Tebaud? You have to have a lot of ideas, right?” the girl asked, nearly jumping in place with excitement, not giving Yvette a chance to speak before continuing. “I’ll be a journeyman soon too! I already have a dozen different ideas of where I want to go.” The younger apprentice held out her right hand before a small puff of flame formed and then disappeared. “There’s a few towns in Frenzurn that would kill for a fire mage like me. Master Betan says if I went there, I’d never want for anything with talents like mine. You should go there! We’d be close and could share spells!”

Yvette gave a nod and began to walk through the stone halls while her friend talked wildly about her future graduation, barely listening to the excited apprentice. Dealing with the other girl only awoke all the thoughts and worries her excitement had covered, making her stomach tie itself in knots. She’d been thinking about where she’d go for years. She’d studied all of the different countries, learned about so many different cultures. Places where she could have almost absolute freedom to do as she pleased, others where she could have mentors to help guide her on her path. It had finally clicked a few years ago when she’d realized it wasn’t where she wanted to go, but what she wanted to do that mattered.

Now the time had come. She could convince her master to help her, somehow. What she wanted to do, what she NEEDED to do. She’d run this talk over and over in her head a million times in the last week alone, she was as ready as she’d ever be.

Yvette didn’t feel ready, though. She’d had nothing but failure in prior talks with him over the years, a part of her wondered if this would be any different. She wanted to believe her new rank as a journeyman would make him listen, but those doubts refused to be ignored. Her stomach started to feel terrible and she had a sneaking suspicion that if she tried to eat anything, it’d be impossible to keep it down for long.

“You should be careful, though. If you keep dressing like a girl, you’re going to have a lot harder time. It’s kind of weird, even for a mage,” Ermina said, shattering Yvette’s thoughts and making her anxiety spike.

“I am a girl.”

“You’re not transformed, Tebaud.”

The anxiety was replaced by anger and she shook her head. “No, I’m not. Stop calling me that.”

“I’m just trying to help.”

“You’re not helping! And call me Yvette! It’s my--” She stopped in the entrance to the dining hall, her breath catching.

The dining hall was simple, if grand. A massive oak table that could easily have held over a dozen people, though it rarely held more than the master and his few apprentices, dominated the majority of the room. There were no decorations except four robes that hung over the chair at the head of the table.

A simple brown, coarse robe, made of scratchy wool. The robe of the apprentice.

A slightly more extravagant dark blue robe, made of linen and designed for travel. The robe of a journeyman.

The white, silk robe. The robe of a master.

But, most impressive of all. The purple, velvet robe of a grandmaster. The most extravagant, etched with black runes.

Sitting under them was an aged man, a pair of spectacles over his eyes and wearing a silk robe similar to the one hanging over him. The man glanced up and gave a soft sigh. “Ah. Tebaud...” he said, his lip curling into a frown. “I see you chose… that robe. I was hoping you’d choose one of your others. Ermina, what are you doing up?”

The younger mage lowered her eyes before speaking up. “I wanted to be here for Tebaud’s--”

“This takes place between a master and their apprentice. You know the rules,” he cut her off, his eyes narrowing.

“But--”

“Return to your room. Now.”

Ermina sighed, before giving a polite bow. “Yes, Master Betan,” she said before giving Yvette a jealous look, then turning and walking away.

Betan snapped his fingers and the doors closed. He then motioned to the chair besides him. “Now then. Tebaud. Today is your final day as my apprentice and your first as a journeyman. Have you made your decision?”

Yvette cringed but didn’t correct the master, instead moving to the chair besides him. The older man waved his right hand. A moment later a small, silver chalice appeared in front of her.

“Drink, it will soothe your stomach.”

“Thank you, Master Betan,” she said, taking the cup and slowly drinking it. It was fruity and had a hint of spice to it. One of the ciders gifted to them by the villagers, she imagined. She tried to figure out which one it had come from, but stopped when she realized she was only trying to delay the inevitable. Her stomach was a tight, compressed knot and her mouth was dry despite the drink. However, her master didn’t speak. He merely watched her, waiting for her to answer. After what felt like hours she spoke up. “I’m sorry, my stomach is doing flips.”

He laughed. “Of course it is, child. This is a big day. Fret not. All of my students have felt this way, in one way or another, when their time comes. Take as long as you need.”

Yvette nodded. “I… don’t know where I want to go. But I know what I want to do.”

“Oh?”

“I’ve always been talented in transfiguration. You’ve said it yourself,” she said. If she could remind him of the faith he had in her, she was certain she could get his approval. She went over the speech she’d made one last time in her mind.

Betan laughed. “Ah, yes. Such an interesting art. Turning one thing into another.” The master took a slow, lingering drink from his own chalice. “You are correct, you are talented. In the last few years your abilities have improved dramatically. It was as I always said, if you’d just apply yourself, there is no limit to what your magic can do. Difficult though our arts are, with dedication there is nothing we cannot do.”

“Of course, Master Betan. You were right, as usual,” Yvette said, forcing a smile on her face. She’d heard those words a thousand times from the old master, ever since she had been sent here as a young child. Until a few years ago she’d lacked the motivation to truly apply herself, however. She’d found magic to be enjoyable and useful. But there had never been anything she’d truly wanted enough to push herself. Her realization had changed everything. “And I want to push myself even further. I want to keep honing my craft, to not just learn, but create different spells. To not serve in one place, but continue to grow.”

“A noble goal,” Betan said, pride in his voice. “That drive will take you far. A true mage, one who wants to truly leave their mark on this world, must never give up on advancing. They must always push themselves to learn and grow.” He eyed his chalice and gave a light chuckle. “Many mages forget that. They learn to accept the world as it is, to grow complacent and comfortable with their power and what it brings them. But those who are truly willing to go further are the greatest of us all. They become masters like I. Now then.” He lowered his chalice to the table. “Tebaud. I can only assume this means you wish to become a traveling mage for the time being? Until you find a place you will truly call home?”

“Yes, that is my goal.”

“Wonderful! I suspected you would be.”

“O-oh?” Yvette asked softly, staring at her master with surprise. Did he truly know where she was going with this? He seemed happy, was it possible he was okay with her final goals, despite the danger?

“The ones like you, always so unsure of who they are, where they belong? It is only natural that you wish to see the world outside this small town,” Betan said with a gentle laugh. “I will begin the preparations immediately.”

“W-wait!” she said quickly, her stomach doing another flip. “There’s… there’s one more thing...”

Her master paused, halfway to rising to his feet. Slowly, he lowered himself back down. “Yes?”

“I don’t just want to push myself harder, I want to do what nobody else can...” she said softly. “It’s… I...” The words stopped in her throat, making her squirm in place. She’d done this conversation a thousand times in her mind, she didn’t understand why it felt so hard now. Even worse, she felt scared and almost like bursting into tears. “I...”

“Go on, child. I’ve heard it all.”

“I-I want to be a girl!” she said finally. “Truly. Permanently. To remake my true form.”

That made his smile fall to a frown. “Tebaud--”

“I don’t want to be Tebaud! I’m Yvette. And I don’t mean a spell that changes me slightly and wears off in a few hours. I mean permanently. I want to use magic to--”

“SILENCE!” his voice roared and she quickly pulled back, staring up at her mentor with wide eyes. “Foolish child. You speak of permanent transformation? That is one of the forbidden arts!”

“Y-yes, but only--”

“Silence, I said,” he said coldly, his calming features contorted into a furious scowl. “I have allowed your little games, Tebaud. But this will end.” He pointed a finger at her, his harsh words making her wish she could melt into the table itself. “You are a boy. If you wish to play dress up or run around in female robes, very well. You’d hardly be the most eccentric mage I have ever trained. A mage who has focused on the art of transformation should be curious. I can understand your desire to get closer to your craft, the same as a pyromancer may surround themselves in fire, or a necromancer surrounds themselves with the dead.”

“It’s not--”

“But to speak of using forbidden magics? Desire to alter your true form? You are speaking of not just altering your body, but your very mind!”

“B-but I--”

“To stay in a form too long invites madness. THAT is why we revert. That is why our bodies return to normal. If it were so easy, do you think my hair would be gray and my knees wobbly?” he asked.

“I-I just wanted--”

“You will not speak of such forbidden arts in order to deal with some strange eccentricity. Such selfish desires for power will NOT be allowed from one of MY students.” Betan shook his head. “You are to be a journeyman now, the standard on which you will be measured will be far higher, you will not allow forbidden thoughts to taint you in such a way. Are we clear?”

Yvette stared at the older mage, his face red with rage. If he’d just listen to her, she knew she could convince him. She was sure she could show him WHY what she wanted was okay. But he refused to hear her out. “But master--”

“There will be no more of such talks. Bad enough you go around in such garments, acting as you do. But to speak of such dangerous magics is a step too far, apprentice. Are we clear?”

Slowly, her eyes lowered and shame flooded in. She struggled to keep the tears inside, knowing there was no way she would find help here. “You’re right, Master Betan. I’m sorry.”

Almost instantly the master’s expression softened and he nodded. “Good. Now, as we were speaking before. A traveling mage is valuable, but the life is dangerous. I will begin the preparations at once. A guardian has already been summoned and I will be discussing your movements with him shortly.”

Yvette nodded before closing her eyes. “Thank you, master...” she whispered. She didn’t move when she heard the scratching sound of his chair being pushed back and his steps walking away.

He wouldn’t help her, she could see that. Wouldn’t listen to her. But if he really believed she would just stand idly by and give up on her dreams, her needs, he was a fool. She reached up and wiped the tears from her eyes. So what if it was dangerous or forbidden?

She was Yvette, regardless of who called her Tebaud. No matter what threats or danger were thrown at her, she wouldn’t let it stop her, even if she had to fight the whole world to be herself.