Heavenly Soul [BL]

Trembling, Fei Jin and Fei Yin cried, “Senior Brother, please don’t hate us!”

Qinghe sighed, exhausted. He brought his knees up and rested his cheek on them, his arms wrapping around his legs. Qinghe wished he could be their steadfast and dependable senior brother like always, but he just didn’t have any more strength.

Curled up on the bed like that, he looked pitiful and lonely.

The twins’ hearts ached. It seemed they had distressed their senior brother this much. They couldn’t bear to see him like this.

“When I was a child,” Qinghe spoke suddenly, “I was captured and taken to an orphanage. They put a spirit-suppressing collar on me. The owners of the place constantly abused the kids…”

Fei Jin and Fei Yin listened with wide grieving eyes as their senior brother continued to recite his brutal past in a flat voice. Silent tears trickled down their cheeks, but they didn’t interrupt him.

Fei Yin looked down at his hands that had wrapped around his senior brother’s neck and wanted to cut them off for causing such pain to him. He wanted to sew his own lips shut for talking about collaring him. He would deserve it if senior brother truly left them. He would deserve every ounce of agony it would bring.

Fei Jin squeezed his twin brother in comfort, sensing his self-reproaching thoughts.

After Qinghe had finished telling them about his past, he was silent for a while before saying, “I don’t blame you, not completely. I should have seen through your insecurity sooner and dealt with it. I should have told you about my past earlier and explained clearly the things I can’t handle. I should have elaborated more about my relationship with Wei Xiang in a way that disallowed misunderstandings. It was my mistake.”

Silence claimed the room again.

Qinghe slowly started to regain his calm, habitually controlling his breathing to finally recover his usual self. He slowly uncurled from his position and sat up properly. His eyes were clear and dry, and except for the lack of smile, his expression was as usual. He was very good at pretending as if nothing was wrong.

Trying to lighten the mood, Qinghe abruptly changed the subject and complained, “Anyway, I need to ask, is this the way I raised you? If you have to drug your senior brother, at least use a good quality aphrodisiac. This one has a third too much of the night fog herb and its effects also last a bit too long. Try Old Man Gou’s shop in the black market next time, his wares are at least good quality.”

“…” Of all the things that we did wrong, that is what you choose to scold us about? And what is with that recommendation? The twins retorted in their hearts, their tears and gloom temporarily forgotten.

Qinghe looked at them and finally smiled.

“Brother, you really don’t hate us? You won’t…leave us?” Fei Yin finally scrounged up enough courage and asked. His head was still down, as if ashamed to meet Qinghe’s gaze.

Tilting his head, Qinghe looked at Fei Yin sardonically. This little sadist… after tormenting him like that, he at least had the gall to be ashamed!

But Qinghe also understood that of the two twins, Fei Yin was the one more attached to him, since Qinghe had been the one who’d personally nursed him back to health both mentally and physically after his ordeal. And it seemed Fei Yin was also the more twisted one.

Qinghe let out a breath and shook his head. “I could never hate you both. Even if you really put a collar on me, caged me and broke me to pieces, I could still never hate you or bring myself to abandon you. But that’s why I need Wei Xiang, because he’ll never let anyone harm me, even myself. Do you understand?”

Fei Jin and Fei Yin both nodded and started crying again at his words. To think Senior Brother loved us so much! And hearing him speak of that Wei-whatever like that, if he really was that caring towards their senior brother, then how could they possibly reject him anymore?

Qinghe got down from the bed and walked up to where they were sitting on the floor. He wrapped his arms around them both, letting them rest their heads on his shoulders. He gently patted their backs, trying to console them.

No matter what happened, they were still the children he had raised personally. They had eaten, slept, and bathed together. The three of them had gone through hardships and seen each other in more disgraceful situations than this, so Qinghe didn’t hesitate to put the embarrassment of this matter firmly behind him.

Holding them in his arms, Qinghe reassured in his soothing voice, “It’s okay, I’m here. I will always be here. Even if I now have a lover, I’ll still be here. At most, you’ll gain an extra brother. You’ll have to bear with his obnoxiousness along with me now, and he’ll take care of you as his new little brothers…” Qinghe continued to comfort them.

That’s when Wei Xiang finally returned.

Solidifying from the shadows, he was just about to greet his lover and tease him about making his junior brothers cry when he noticed his lack of clothing and the bruise marks standing out starkly against Qinghe’s fair wrists.

Wei Xiang’s eyes narrowed threateningly.

Noticing his arrival, Qinghe released the twins and instructed, “Alright, enough now. Return to your rooms and reflect on what I said.”

The twins first looked up at him puzzled before realizing that Wei Xiang had arrived. They froze for a moment in consternation before hurrying over to him.

As one, they bowed and said, “Brother Wei, we apologize for our earlier misconduct. Please take care of Senior Brother from now on!”

And then they swept out the door like the wind, leaving not a trace behind.

Qinghe sat there frozen in surprise. Huh, so those little rascals knew how to apologize. Then where the hell was his apology? Wasn’t he the victim in all this?!

Wei Xiang looked at the wronged expression on his lover’s beautiful little face and his anger abated somewhat.

“I take it you resolved the situation?” Wei Xiang asked casually.

Qinghe hesitantly nodded.

He knew how this must look. Despite having a cultivator’s quickly regenerating physique, there were still faint pink marks on his upper body and collarbones that hadn’t yet healed. No matter how one looked, they were definitely hickeys. The twin berries on his chest were also slightly reddened and swollen from the twins’ abuse. His eyes were still somewhat misty and his voice husky due to the remnants of the aphrodisiac. Adding to that the previous presence of the twins, anyone would assume that they’d just had a ménage à trois.

Qinghe sweated nervously. He wanted to explain but didn’t know what he could say that wouldn’t seem like he was making up excuses for covering up his cheating.

Wei Xiang looked at his lover’s torn expression and wanted to laugh. Anyone else might really have come to such a conclusion, but Wei Xiang knew his Qinghe well.

Wei Xiang walked to Qinghe and lifted him up in a princess carry. He didn’t dare protest as Wei Xiang sat down on the bed and extended his long legs comfortably, seating Qinghe sideways on his lap. Wei Xiang’s broad palm stroked up and down along Qinghe’s naked back, soothing away his tension bit by bit.

“What happened?” he asked softly. There wasn’t even a trace of blame in his tone, only warm concern.

Qinghe suddenly felt like crying. He buried his head in Wei Xiang’s shoulder and sniffled, blinking away the wetness in his eyes. The comfortingly familiar scent of warm metal and woodsmoke wrapped around him. His body slumped in relief that there would be no accusations of infidelity or misunderstandings.

Haltingly, Qinghe managed to convey the whole situation.

Back when they had been in the hidden realm, when he and Jing Shui were swapping stories of their pasts, they’d put up a sound barrier around them upon Qinghe’s suggestion since he’d sensed the presence of Wei Xiang and his companion. So realizing that Wei Xiang hadn’t been able to eavesdrop about his past at that time, Qinghe related the tale in excruciating detail. In contrast, he’d only given basic details to the twins and Jing Shui.

Wei Xiang listened patiently, the weight of his slightly rough palm calming as it rubbed up and down Qinghe’s back steadily.

When he was done, Qinghe felt dull and numb. He hoped he’d never have to repeat this cursed story another time or he’d dissolve into a flood of miserable bloody tears.

Qinghe heard Wei Xiang sigh as he rested his cheek on Qinghe’s head. “I see. I think I now understand the issue.”

Looking up puzzled, Qinghe asked, “Issue? What issue?”

Smiling sadly Wei Xiang answered, “About why you so readily accept others despite them wronging you, and why you go to such lengths to keep the people around you happy.”

Not understanding, Qinghe asked, “What do you mean? Isn’t it just normal to want people around you to be happy?”

The hand rubbing along Qinghe’s back paused. “Yes, it is natural to want the people you love to be happy. But you desperately try to make sure that each and every person around you is always content, whether you know them or not. Or more specifically, you try your best to make sure that no one around you remains angry at you.”

“What does that have to do with anything? I think that’s perfectly normal,” Qinghe said indignantly. What was the problem with not wanting people to be angry with him?

Wei Xiang knew he wasn’t explaining things correctly. He tried to change his approach. “Tell me, why did you let those twins off so easily? What they did was clearly sexual assault. Shouldn’t you have punished them more severely to make sure they don’t repeat the same mistake again?”

Qinghe looked at him dumbfounded. Though what Wei Xiang said wasn’t wrong…

“I guess, but…” Qinghe was floundering, unable to find the words to explain. “They’re just kids. They weren’t seriously trying to hurt me.”

“Oh? So even if I go out and beat someone up, then it wouldn’t be a crime as long as I didn’t mean it seriously?” Wei Xiang retorted.

“That-That’s obviously not the same!” Qinghe felt flustered and off-balance. Why were they still discussing this? This issue was already over and done with!

Shifting their positions, Wei Xiang settled Qinghe on his lap so that they were face-to-face. “I won’t interfere with how you discipline your juniors, but I won’t sit still and watch as you let them hurt you and then sweep it all under the rug. They might not have meant to, but they did hurt you deeply. Why did you forgive them? Give me a reasonable explanation here.”

Qinghe struggled to put thoughts into words, “They were hurt too and…well, it’s also sort of my fault. I should’ve seen their issues sooner and…I guess, I just wanted things to go back to normal quickly.” Qinghe was looking down, unable to meet Wei Xiang’s knowing gaze.

“Why did you want things to go back to normal quickly?” Wei Xiang’s voice was patient and kind.

His head lowered even more, Qinghe mumbled truthfully, “Well, if it went on, then maybe they’d say to hell with this, get mad, think I’m not worth this drama and just leave.”

It wasn’t much different from the attitude of the twins. Helping them grow had in turn helped Qinghe take a big step forward from his own past. Unlike before in the orphanage when he had been powerless to help those suffering, only able to watch on, survive and keep fending for himself, when he met the wounded twins, he was actually able to be useful. No longer had he been powerless. He was finally able to help someone out of trauma similar to his own. Sure, they all still had scars left, but that couldn’t be avoided.

“Qinghe,” Wei Xiang called softly. “So you were afraid that if you didn’t relent, they’d get angry and do something that would hurt you more?”

He seriously considered what Wei Xiang said and found that yes, it was indeed the case. It seemed like Wei Xiang had gotten to the heart of the matter with that one sentence.

Qinghe nodded. “Yes, that’s exactly it. I know it’s just me being weak and unable to face being left behind, but I still think my worries are valid.”

“No, they are not.” Wei Xiang refuted simply. “Those juniors would do for you what you’re prepared to do for them. They reciprocate your affection, you just don’t believe it because you think you’re not worth it.”

Qinghe flinched as if stabbed.

Lifting his chin with a finger, Wei Xiang continued gently, “In case you’re misunderstanding, I think you’re worth it. You’re worth all the good things in this world, even if you don’t believe it.”

Hesitating, Qinghe finally nodded. No, he didn’t believe it, but it was nice to hear him say it anyway.

“Shall we dig deeper into this issue?” Wei Xiang continued.

Qinghe groaned and slumped into the warm chest in front of him. “Isn’t this much enough? I don’t want to dig any deeper.”

“Aren’t you curious where your issues come from? Finding it is one step closer to resolving it.”

“When did you become an expert in psychology anyway?” Qinghe tried to deflect.

“I help out with criminal interrogation now and then when I’m in a bad mood. I’ve peered into the deep, dark depths of human minds. I’ll use every bit of knowledge at my disposal to help you however I can.”

Faced with these sincere words, Qinghe could only surrender.

Seeing him acquiesce, Wei Xiang began analyzing again. “As a child in an abusive environment, you must have gotten really good at reading people. Since the adult’s fury would always be taken out on you and the other children, you must have gotten especially sensitive to anger. Your mind is convinced that if someone in your vicinity is angry, they’ll hurt you. Defusing the situation is your form of self-defense.”

Qinghe’s head hurt. Logically, he knew that what Wei Xiang was telling made sense. But when did logic matter when it came to trauma?

“But I don’t know what to do about it,” Qinghe said tiredly.

Seeing that his lover was tuckered out, Wei Xiang placed him on the bed and watched him snuggle into the sheets with a drowsy expression. The drug had completely worn out and left him exhausted.

“You don’t need to think about it now. Just keep in mind that you don’t need to let others walk all over you. It doesn’t matter who gets angry, it’s not your job to fix it. And if it brings problems, then we’ll deal with it together. This is not your burden alone now.”

Qinghe smiled at the obvious concern and affection in his voice and peacefully drifted away into dreamland.