Heart of Dorkness

Bane Twenty - Chat

“So, how’d it go?” Felix asked.

She was at the door to Semper’s apartments in the castle. The castle complex was so huge that even giving an entire floor to Semper didn’t really do much to reduce the amount of free space left. Felix wasn’t great at math and such, but she was pretty sure there were enough rooms in the castle to let every family in Santafaria have a space for themselves.

The library alone could definitely fit the Yellow Palace in its centre with room to spare, at least, if they moved all the shelves and pillars out of the way.

The Goddess Semper, god of contempt and librariums sighed wistfully. She was seated on a plush divan (a word that Esme taught Felix recently) with an open text on her lap. “She is still as clueless as ever, Felix dear. Come on in, close the door.”

Felix grinned and half-turned to close the door behind her.

If Esme knew that she was having these little clandestine meetings with her goddess, well, she’d probably freak out a little, then be really envious. Not that Esme couldn’t have meetings like this too. Semper literally lived two floors up. But Esme was way too proper and polite to come knocking, and besides, Esme would die if she knew what they talked about.

Semper closed her text and set it on an end table, then she gestured to a smaller seat across from hers. The only other seat in the room.

“Weird chair,” Felix said as she climbed onto the poof and sat cross-legged atop it.

“Mmh? Oh, yes, it’s meant to be uncomfortable, sorry.”

“It’s fine. But... why?”

Semper giggled. “Why, so when Luciana visits I can insist that she sit upon my couch with me, of course. Now, this is a lounging divan, so obviously we will have no choice but to lay together.”

Felix laughed. “Did that even work?”

“Twice, so far. To absolutely no avail.”

Felix shook her head, a smile still tugging at her lips. “She’s really dense.”

“I know,”: Semper replied, less amused. “What about you? Any progress?”

Felix tipped back, then sighed and shook her head. “None. Esme and Val had a great date. I think they held hands, and they were practically skipping afterwards, but nothing came of it. I even managed to convince both of them to have some alone-time with me after so that we could talk, to like, make up for the date, but that didn’t lead to anything.”

Semper made a calming gesture with her free hand. “It’s fine, it’s fine. You know you girls are still quite young.”

“Yeah, I know,” Felix said. “I’m patient.”

Semper sniffed. “Not as patient as you claim, I don’t think.”

Felix grinned, she’d been read. “Okay, fair. Sometimes I really just think that I could grab one of them by the head and kiss her for all she’s worth, but they’re both so dumb that I’m not even sure that would work.”

“Urgh,” Semper groaned. “I once drowned while near Luciana. She gave me the breath of life. Afterwards all she could do was admonish me for not being a stronger swimmer.”

“Wow,” Felix said. Sometimes the depth Semper would go through for Luciana amazed her. “You ever consider just... confessing?”

They’d had this conversation a few times already, and Semper always had the same reaction. A small hitch, then a vehement denial. “No, no that would be too much. What if she said no? Or didn’t feel the same way?” Semper asked. “What about yourself?”

“Oh, I would,” Felix said. And she really would. Later. Maybe. “But you know how it is. There’s two of them. And they’re both really dumb. They might confuse things.”

“Very true. Your best bet might be to convince the two that they’re into each other, then sneak on into the relationship at some point. Those are the best sorts of love triangles.”

Felix had long ago realized that most of Semper’s knowledge on romance was mostly from fiction, or from her meddling with her Archivist’s love lives. She adored pairing two eligible members together to see what would happen, or arranging for one to have exactly what the other needed so they would have to bump into each other. Personally, Felix thought it was a little cruel, but it did result in a lot of happy marriages, so she refrained from pointing it out. Besides, Semper was helping her.

“I think the ideal would be to have them chase me,” Felix said.

Semper scoffed. “Oh yes, what a chase. Please, girl, you would fold at the first batted eyelash.”

Felix giggled. “Yeah, you’re right. But the same goes for you, no?”

Semper raised a warning finger. “Do not point out a goddess’ hypocrisy. It isn’t good for your health. But you are correct enough. Ah, if my dear Luci chased after me, why, I would allow her to do all sorts of things to me. A bit of this, some of that...”

Felix worked hard to tune out the giggling, red-faced rant that came out of the goddess. She wasn’t... unaware of the kinds of things that Semper was talking about, but the goddess had a vivid imagination, lots of source materials to scour, and centuries of time to imagine all sorts of lewd scenarios.

Really, if Felix didn’t use a bit of wind magic to deafen herself to the world, she would leave the room with flaming cheeks and a high fever. It had happened once, and while her friends babying her had been wonderful she hadn’t been able to enjoy it because of all the terrible mental images planted firmly between her ears.

“So!” Felix interrupted after the rant had gone on for long enough and Semper’s face was quite the glowing shade of red. “Um, what’s your next plan?”

“Hm? Oh. I am very much uncertain. You girls being here has afforded me the ability to linger at the castle for much longer than usual. Sometimes I go half a year or more without seeing Luci. I was hoping that the date would inspire a few things but... alas, no. She did enjoy it, and I’m certain I could talk her into doing something similar in the future, but I’m not sure she’d ever connect going on multiple dates with being enamoured with someone.”

Felix tapped her chin. “Maybe I can ask Luciana about how to confess to someone?”

“Oh?” Semper asked.

“Yeah! It’ll get her in that kind of mindset.”

Semper considered it. “Yes, that might work. But go on.”

“Well,” Felix said, she’d been thinking of this plan for a little while. “See, I go to Luciana, right? Then I ask her how to confess my feelings for someone. I tell her how I feel, and maybe ask her if she feels the same way about someone? Anyway, then I reveal that I’m actually asking how to confess to Esme.”

Semper cackled. “Oh, I like it,” she said. “Yes, that’ll send her on a spin, and perhaps lead her to a tiny amount of introspection.”

“I’m not sure that’s possible,” Felix said.

“Nonsense. Luciana is incredibly introspective. She is, in many ways, a genius. She wields great and fearsome powers with the ease of an ancient master and few are her equal when it comes to knowledge of the arcane. She cultivated herself to godhood in a time when most were still striking rocks together to light the first fires, and her wit and intelligence has never ceased to grow. We might take it for granted now, but that woman is the pinnacle of individual strength. Most gods don’t fear her for the endless tides of monsters she has at her command. They fear the day she steps out of her castle prepared for battle.”

Felix nodded politely. This was also something she had learned to deal with when talking to Semper. As it turned out, Semper was a bit of a fangirl when it came to Luciana. All of the Dark Goddesses faults (except her continued density with regards to her personal romantic life) were forgiven, and all of her virtues were set upon platinum pedestals.

She listened, patiently, while Semper went on for a while. Mostly, Felix was just happy to have someone to talk to about all of this stuff. A lot of the problems that plagued her had annoyed Semper for much, much longer than Felix had been alive, so she knew the sympathy she received was genuine.

“You know what you need,” Semper said after a bit. The goddess nodded to herself. “You need a nice life-or-death situation. Almost dying really gets the blood pumping to all the right places, and being close to someone when that happens tends to endear you to them a lot. Happens all the time with my Archivists. One will save the other’s life, and then bam, next thing you know they’re happily married for the next fifty years.”

“I’m not sure. Putting my friend’s lives at risk for that kind of thing seems wrong,” Felix said.

“Your friend’s lives? Why, Felix dear, you have your own life you can risk! What’s the worst that could happen?”

***