Hazbin Hotel: Another Adam

Abel's house was… ordinary. No pomposity or ostentatious luxury inherent in some other "old" souls in Heaven. A typical, neat heavenly cottage: a well-kept flowerbed in front of the entrance, vibrant with multicolored, unfamiliar flowers (Adam didn't give a shit, and neither did I, frankly: I can tell roses from tulips, and that's good enough), exuding a sweetish aroma; a small but fruitful garden with a sprawling pear tree, under which stood a cozy wooden gazebo twined with grapevines; and, indeed, the house itself – a two-story white stone structure with a bright blue tiled roof that gleamed in the sun. Everything here breathed tranquility, comfort, and a kind of… domestic warmth.

I walked through a low wooden gate and, approaching the carved oak door, pressed the doorbell button. Instead of the usual trill, a melodic chime of bells sounded. Abel chose such a doorbell for himself… Original, of course, but, fuck, if you have guests often, such a musical prelude can get fucking annoying.

The door was opened by… a little girl. A mere crumb, about eight or nine years old by appearance, with a shock of hair as light as mine and Abel's, braided into two amusing pigtails, and huge, curious golden eyes. Abel's daughter and, concurrently, my granddaughter, Kana. Yes, yes, she was still such a little one, born a couple of years before "Lilith's rebellion."

"Oh, Grandpa!" Seeing me, she immediately beamed, her face lit up with such sincere, childish joy that something warm stirred in my own chest. Turning, she immediately shouted throughout the house in her thin, ringing voice: "Mom! Dad! Grandpa's here!"

After which she turned back to me and, with a running start, jumped onto my chest, hugging my neck tightly with her thin little arms.

"Grandpa, you finally came! I missed you so much!" a torrent of enthusiastic words rained down on me, while I, a little taken aback by such a boisterous reception, tried to hold onto this small, wriggly marvel. "Daddy doesn't want to go for a walk with me again! He says he has important work! And I'm bored! Grandpa, let's go for a walk? Please, please! Will we go to that park with the carousels? And then buy ice cream? With three scoops! And chocolate sprinkles!"

"Adam, good day. I'm sorry she pounced on you like that. Will you come in for tea?" Abel's wife, Danna, appeared on the threshold. A tall, stately woman with dark chestnut hair gathered in a bun, and calm gray eyes. She was one of the "new" souls, having arrived in Heaven only a couple of millennia ago, but had already managed to become a reliable support and loving wife for Abel. (Author's note: According to the Bible, Cain and Abel had children with their own sisters. I understand, of course, ancient times, customs, and all that, but it doesn't sound very good… So, I hope no one will mind an OOC (original female character).)

"Kana, sweetie, now quickly get off Grandpa! That's impolite!" Danna put her hands on her hips, looking sternly at her daughter.

"But Mo-o-om!" Kana drawled capriciously, turning her sly little face to her mother. "Grandpa doesn't mind at all! Right, Grandpa?" She shifted her gaze to me, her golden eyes shining imploringly. "Grandpa, you don't mind, do you?"

She made such a cute, touching Puss in Boots face that it was simply impossible to resist.

"Heh, of course I don't mind, my little rascal," I smirked, hugging her tighter. "And I won't refuse a cup of aromatic tea either, Danna. Thank you for the invitation." I winked at Abel's wife and, still holding Kana in my arms (who immediately giggled triumphantly and clung even tighter to my neck), entered the house.

Actually, it was a very… strange feeling. When they call you grandpa… "Dad" from Abel was one thing – I had almost gotten used to that. But "grandpa"… Oh, I feel my joints starting to creak treacherously, and an irresistible desire to go to the dacha, dig potatoes, and grumble at the youth grows with every second. Old age is no joy, you understand.

We walked into a spacious, bright living room. Here too, everything was homely and cozy: a soft sofa and armchairs, a fireplace (a real one, with crackling firewood!), bookshelves filled with old volumes, family photos on the walls.

"Are you here on business? Or just dropped by to visit? Abel will be here shortly; he's in his study, sorting through some papers…" Danna began, setting up a tea service on the coffee table, but at that moment Abel himself entered the room.

He looked a bit… disheveled? And nervous. As always, though, when he was near me. Abel immensely respected (and, let's be honest, slightly feared) his father, Adam, and always desperately wanted to be "worthy" of him, to live up to his expectations. This was noticeable in his posture, in his gaze, and in every word.

"Hi, Dad. How are you? Good to see you," he approached, extending his hand for a handshake, but, seeing Kana still hanging on my neck, he frowned slightly, trying, however, not to pay attention to her. "Did something happen? You're so unexpected…"

"Everything's fine, son. Everything's just great," I shook his hand firmly. "And why are you all standing around like strangers? Sit down, sit down. Have some tea with your old man. Let me at least look at you, admire you… It's been a while." Fuck, it seems I really have started talking like some old fart. I urgently need to do something about this. Maybe go on hellish TikTok and watch a couple of videos to feel "young and progressive" again? Nah, fuck that, my brain will turn to mush completely…

"Yes, of course, Dad," Abel smiled awkwardly and sat in the armchair opposite me. Danna sat down beside him. "Kana, get off Grandpa already, it's rude! And you're heavy!"

Kana pouted indignantly but still slid off me, immediately settling on my lap. She took a small toy angel figurine from her pocket and began to intently turn it in her hands, peeking furtively at her parents. They synchronously took a sip of tea, clearly trying to hide their awkwardness. The previous Adam doted on this little one and allowed her to do anything with him – pull his hair, draw war paint on his face, use his golden wings as a swing… That's the kind of secret kid-lover he was (in a good way), so don't talk shit about a good person if you don't know the whole truth! And I'm not trying to justify myself now, just fighting for historical justice! Yes, yes, write that down!

"Heh," I couldn't suppress a smirk, looking at this family idyll. "Well, how are things with you kids? Everything alright? No one bothering you?"

"Yes, Dad, everything's great," Abel relaxed a little, noticing my good mood. "If you're talking about 'that,' then James and I have already drawn up the main framework of the strategy and…"

"Stop, stop, stop!" I interrupted him mid-sentence, suddenly frowning and looking at him sternly. "I've been informed, Abel, that you're not coping with your direct duties!"

My son instantly turned pale, his eyes widening in fear. He even shrank a little into his chair. But Danna, already used to her father-in-law's similar "pranks," just smirked enigmatically into her cup.

"What?! Dad, I… I don't understand… I'm doing everything as we agreed! I…"

"Your own daughter, mind you, asks her beloved daddy to go for a walk with her, and you, you overgrown blockhead, are only thinking about your work?! About some plans, strategies?! And the child suffers!" I continued in a stern tone, barely holding back laughter.

I saw relief wash over Abel's face. He even wiped non-existent sweat from his forehead.

"Alright then, son, here's our plan for today: right now, I'm taking Private Kana for a walk…"

"I don't want to be a private! I want to be a general! Like Grandpa!" Kana immediately squeaked indignantly, tearing herself away from her toy. Aha, so she was listening all this time, just pretending not to be interested. She takes after her grandmother, definitely. Eve was also a cunning and wise woman… before she completely lost her mind...

"You'll get promoted when you grow up!" I mimicked the stern tone of a warrant officer from an old TV series I watched in my past life. "And for now – don't argue with a superior officer! And follow orders!"

"Yes, Sir General Grandpa!" Kana immediately snapped to attention, saluting me, after which she giggled again and began to play enthusiastically with her angel figurine. Her parents looked at her with unconcealed love and tenderness.

"So," I continued, addressing Abel. "After the walk, I return her to her mother's arms. And you and I, son, are going to some decent heavenly bar. To have a glass or two. Discuss business. Plan clear?" I raised an eyebrow questioningly, looking at the now beaming Abel.

"Yes, Father. Excellent plan!"

"Wonderful! Then Kana and I are off. And you two here… well, I don't know… take a little break from the constant presence of a child in the house? Coo a bit, lovebirds." I winked at them.

"I want a baby brother…" Kana unexpectedly spoke up, making all the adults in the room fall silent abruptly and stare at her with wide eyes. "Mom, Dad, buy me a baby brother for my birthday! Please!"

A second of silence. And then we all synchronously exhaled with relief. Fuck. The last thing I needed was for my nine-year-old granddaughter to know where babies actually come from! In local schools, as far as I remembered, such topics begin to be covered around the fifth or sixth grade. And Kana was still too young.

"Ahem… Well, see you soon, my beloved dears," I said goodbye quickly, so as not to develop this delicate topic. I put Kana on my shoulders (she immediately shrieked with joy and clung to my hair) and left the house.

I almost had a heart attack from such a "childish question." Abel's lucky – he can go right now and knock back something strong to recover from the shock. But I can't, not with a child around. I have to maintain the image of a "wise and all-knowing grandpa."

For the next fifteen minutes, like a seasoned pony, I carried Kana on my mighty archangel shoulders all over the city (to the ice cream parlor, then to the park), listening to her endless stories about friends, toys, new cartoons, and how "boring and always busy" her dad is. Simultaneously, I tried to relax a little and gather my thoughts.

Actually, I essentially have three sons. Cain, Abel, and Seth. Cain… well, everything's clear with him. Traitor, murderer, scum. Supposedly ended up in Hell, where he perished for good. Serves him right. Abel – here he is, nearby. A good guy, kind, responsible, though a bit too soft and indecisive for his age and position. And Seth… Remember that Adam from the canon? The very one – "Rockstar, foul-mouth, and sexist"? Seth was pretty much like that. He was the youngest of my sons, only about two thousand years old. And I fathered him, strangely enough, with a mortal woman. During my last visit to Earth, when I was desperately trying to guide humanity, at least a little, onto the "true path."

Yes, yes, you heard right. Have you ever heard the name "Jesus Christ" while watching "Hazbin Hotel" or "Helluva Boss"? No? Interesting, why is that, isn't it? And it's simple. Because Jesus – that was me. Adam.

Yes, yes, in this world, the "Son of God" and Messiah – is your humble servant. I deliberately changed my appearance back then to be more human, "average," so as not to stand out too much. Grew a beard, long hair… Well, you get the idea. And I went to Earth, to bring people Light, Goodness, and Redemption (and to stick poles up demons' asses). It turned out… Yes, in principle, it turned out pretty well. I gained followers, disciples-apostles (ugh, fuck, that word again!). I really managed to change the world a little for the better. True, then that asshole Asmodeus with his minions fucked everything up, starting to actively corrupt humanity and sow chaos, for which a special, fucking, "thank you" to him. And yes, the Seraphim helped me quite actively back then – after all, my idea involved no violence, so they really pitched in, giving advice, performing various "miracles" for persuasiveness, and supporting my endeavor in every way. And they also "erased" a bunch of my not-so-good deeds, for which thanks also.

Oh well, that's just me thinking aloud, emotions from meeting my son and granddaughter overwhelmed me, so I remembered my second (or rather, third) son. Though Seth… he left Heaven about twenty years ago. Said it was "too boring and bland" for him here and went traveling on Earth, under the guise of a simple human. Fucking adventurer. I hope he's alright.

Actually, right now my thoughts were occupied not so much by family matters, as by demons. More precisely, their nature, their fate, and their potential role in upcoming events. Demons and sinners, as I've mentioned repeatedly, need to be clearly distinguished. Sinners are former humans who did more evil than good in life and thereby earned a ticket to Hell. But demons – native inhabitants of Hell, imps, fiends, hellhounds, succubi, incubi, representatives of Goetia, and others – are completely separate creatures. Yes, they live in Hell, they are saturated with its Darkness, they are often cruel, treacherous, and selfish, but they are not "bad" by their nature.

They are much more cruel and cynical than the average 21st-century Earth human (at least, the 21st century I remembered from my past life). But this is most likely due to the fact that in the human world over the past centuries, there have been many wars, revolutions, social upheavals, which led to the formation of the so-called "humanistic" approach, and the promotion of the value of human life, human rights, and all that sort of thing. And I myself, like other heavenly beings, now and then meddled in human affairs, trying to "guide" and "enlighten" them, which also, undoubtedly, influenced their more "good" and "civilized" behavior.

But demons in Hell had nothing like that. The law of the jungle always reigned there: might makes right. Kill or be killed. But at the same time, the Darkness in their souls didn't affect them, and those concepts that were "embedded" in them by the Deadly Sins, although they pressed on their minds, did not do so too strongly. Over hundreds of thousands of generations, these creatures, it seems, have developed a certain immunity to their "native" concepts, learned to live with them, and control their manifestations.

Do you think all demons are soulless creatures, craving only blood and suffering? I don't think so. Remember Octavia. Yes, depressive, a little sarcastic, but overall – an ordinary teenager with her own problems. Loona? Yes, rude, harsh, with a bunch of complexes, but she too is capable of affection, of loyalty. Millie and Moxxie? Yes, they are contract killers, and that, of course, is disgusting (it's one thing to kill for protection or high ideals, another – for money), but at the same time, they sincerely love each other and care for their friends. If they were, for example, relocated to some quiet heavenly town, Millie made a kindergarten teacher, and Moxxie – a clerk in some office, given a couple… dozen psychotherapy sessions and explained that "killing is bad"… They would make an exemplary, law-abiding family!

And such a phenomenon among demons was not very rare. According to my observations, about every tenth of them could be considered conditionally "normal" by human standards. And if specialists from Heaven worked a little in Hell, then every second, or even every first, could become quite an adequate member of society. So now you have to think about what to do with them. These are not immortal, inveterate sinner-bastards, of whom, Light grant, only every thousandth (or even fewer) is capable of sincere repentance and redemption. With demons, everything is much more complicated. And more interesting.

"Kana, sweetie, time to go home," I call out to the little one, who has been playing with other children in a huge sandbox in the middle of a heavenly garden for almost an hour now. Yes, yes, while I was indulging in philosophical reflections on the fate of demons, my granddaughter was thoroughly enjoying the company of her peers. Before that, one of the young angel-mothers, watching her child, kept me company, but she recently took her little rascal for lunch (the boy desperately resisted, cried, and demanded to continue playing, but was severely pacified by the threat of being deprived of tomorrow's walk and dragged off in an unknown direction… No one saw him again…). So I, too, think it's time to get back to business.

Actually, it's quite a pleasant feeling – to be such a… respected person. Literally on the face of every angel who saw me here, be it a child or an old man, was read immense respect, reverence, almost awe. And this, I won't hide it, really stroked my ego. Pleasant, damn it.

"But Gra-a-andpa-a-a," Kana immediately started whining capriciously. "Just five more minutes! Please! We haven't finished building the kingdom yet!"

"You've asked for 'five more minutes' for the third time in a row, you little blackmailer!" I walked over to her and picked her up. "Let's go already! Grandpa has things to do too! Not as important as yours, but still important!"

"But da-a-amn," Kana made an incredibly sad face, saying goodbye to her new friends. But as soon as she was in my arms and took my finger with her small hand, she immediately blossomed again, as if she had forgotten how much she didn't want to go home. Children…

"Don't you 'damn' (blin-kai) me here," I lightly tapped her on the nose. "And anyway, I've already arranged with your father that after he and I finish our adult conversations, you all will go for a walk together too. Wherever you want."

"But I want to go with you! It's more fun with you!" she immediately declared.

"Oh, you're my little onion-sorrow," I sighed. "I'll definitely visit you again sometime when I have free time, and we'll go for another walk. Angel's honor."

"You promised! You won't forget?"

"I won't forget, I won't forget…" I look lovingly at the laughing little one, ruffling her hair.

Two hours later. A small bar, not far from the Exorcist HQ.

"Well, overall, the plan sounds pretty good," I say, taking a large gulp from a sweaty mug of ice-cold kvass. Yes, kvass. So what? I've already said that alcohol has almost no effect on my enhanced body. And I have no intention of choking down tasteless beer (which they also had here, and of very poor quality, in my opinion). Kvass – that's my choice! "Personally, I don't see any particular problems or weak spots in it," I continue, addressing Abel, who is sitting opposite me at the table, thoughtfully twirling his mug of beer in his hands. "Have you already given all the necessary instructions to Joan and the others?"

"Yes, Dad, passed everything on," Abel nodded. "George, of course, was a little upset that he wouldn't get the main role in the upcoming 'spectacle,' but he wasn't against it. After all, he himself understands perfectly well that in terms of power, he's not even close to the Seraphim, let alone Eve herself, so he can't even hope for a 'fair fight' one-on-one. His task is support, cover, distraction. He'll manage that." Abel took a small sip of beer. He also hardly got drunk from local alcohol, but the taste of beer, according to him, reminded him of his youth, as it was invented when he still lived on Earth, so sometimes he allowed himself a mug or two in good company.

"Excellent. In case something goes wrong, that is, if everything goes to shit, we switch to plan 'B'. The main thing is that none of ours get caught out or left on the battlefield. We don't need losses right now. Especially among veterans."

Plan 'B' would come into effect if Eve turned out to be so much stronger than me that neutralizing her (or at least temporarily containing her) would require the use of all my accumulated strength, without regard for collateral damage. And that would mean the complete destruction of the surrounding space for many kilometers around. In that case, the "small fry" from the ranks of ordinary Exorcists or even Saints would only get in our way. Especially considering my new "combat form"…

Oh, this is the first you're hearing about it? Ha, surprise!

Even when my roof was seriously leaking after all those memories and the Godkiller's influence, when I was conducting "experiments" on sinners… That's when the thought occurred to me that all cool demons and even Seraphim have some kind of "true," "combat" forms, in which they become many times stronger, and I, for fuck's sake, don't have such bullshit for some reason! Unfair!

That's when I slowly started working on it. Experimenting with my Light and my angelic essence: trying to create not just a temporary boost or a protective field, but something more. A separate, specialized "combat shell" that I could "put on" at will. Something like a second form for werewolves and lycanthropes.

But more on that some other time. Work on this "form" was still far from finished. And certainly, it wasn't "integrated" into me. For now, it was just theoretical developments and experiments on creating a material shell, which I plan to "absorb" in the end. That's how it is.

"Listen, Abel," I changed the subject, looking intently at my son. "Why are you so worried and tense every time you're in my presence? So many thousands of years have passed since we… well, you understand. And you're still… afraid that you haven't lived up to my expectations? That I consider you a failure?"

I asked this question already knowing the answer. Abel became flustered again, lowered his gaze, and began to intently pick at the wet beer mug with his finger.

"Dad… I…" he began, but I interrupted him.

"Listen to me, son. Carefully. I am proud of you. Very proud." I placed my hand on his shoulder, forcing him to look up at me. "You are my pride. My hope. And you must know this. Don't mind that I've never said such words to you before. Times were different. And I myself was… different. But whatever happens, however fate may turn – you are my son. My heir, and if anything happens to me…"

"Father!" Abel's voice trembled, tears glistening in his eyes. "Please… don't… I… I know that you… you always believed in me…" It was incredibly difficult for him to say these words. "But I myself… I myself don't feel worthy of your pride. Of your love. You are the First Man! You fathered all of humanity! You single-handedly built civilization after the fall of Eden, when everyone else gave up! Do you think I've forgotten how hard it was for you back then? How you fought for every life, for every piece of land? Father, I respect you immensely! I admire you! But I… I understand that I could have been better. Stronger. More worthy of such a father…" he lowered his gaze again, his shoulders slumped.

"Abel…" I gently but firmly turned his face towards me. "Son, look at me. You've done enough. More than enough. Without you, without your help, without your faith and support, I definitely wouldn't have managed back then. No matter how strong your father was, he's not omnipotent. And he's not perfect. Without support from my children – from you, and even from Cain, before he betrayed us – I would have broken. You gave me strength. Strength to keep fighting. Strength not to give up. Abel, you helped me back then, on Earth. You help me now, here in Heaven. You are my best advisor, my most loyal friend, and my beloved son. I am incredibly proud to have a son like you. And never, do you hear, NEVER dare to say that you 'could have been better' or that you are 'unworthy.' You are my pride. And you always will be. Your mother would have been proud of you too…" The last phrase slipped out on its own before I could realize it. The memory of Eve… the former Eve, before Darkness, before the Fall… it still lived in me, as did the feelings of the previous Adam. And it caused pain.

"…Thank you… Thank you, Father…" Abel smiled sadly, his eyes still moist. "Do you think… she can be brought back? Mother?"

"I… I really hope so, son…" I paused for a couple of seconds, then smirked, trying to lighten the mood. "And if it works out… then we'll have to urgently ask Sera to introduce official permission for polygamy in Heaven. Because, as you know, I already have one beautiful valkyrie here."

Abel laughed too, not so sadly anymore. It seemed the ice in his soul had melted a little. The beginning of self-acceptance, of getting rid of the eternal insecurity and the complex of the "unworthy son of a great father," had been laid. I hope he will finally be able to pull himself together completely and cast off these doubts that have tormented him for millennia. He deserves to be happy.

Meanwhile, somewhere in the halls of the Seraphim Tower, one very concerned Archangel Michael was on edge, trying to get through to Sera and prove to her what a danger Adam now posed to all of Heaven…