Harry Potter: The Witty Wizard

"I figured that out weeks before I arrived at Hogwarts, within hours of cracking open the book on the history of the school. So, I had to bend my mind to figuring out how not to be sorted into Slytherin, as I should have been.

"As the story goes, Slytherin cherished those who employed cunning and guile to achieve their ends. These days many think that also means ambition; it does not. At least, not alone. All four founders cherished ambition, not just Slytherin. Therefore, the Hat does not take how ambitious a new student is to determine into which House the child would be sorted. So, I did not have to worry about the Hat considering me ambitious.

"I began to plan. First, I had to think about what the two words, 'cunning' and 'guile', actually meant. For those who do not know, the definition of 'cunning' is the employment of a skill in a shrewd or sly manner; and 'guile' means crafty or artful deception. Once I had those definitions I knew how I could argue my way out of being sorted into the House of the Serpent.

"You see, by the very definitions of 'cunning' and 'guile' I knew I had the means in which to argue the best House for a true Slytherin was to be sorted into any House but Slytherin." He paused to give a chuckle. "Think about it. How guileful is it to be sorted into Slytherin when you're a true Slytherin? Where's the craftiness?... the insidious cunning?... the artful deception? A true Slytherin would do everything they could not to be publicly labelled as such."

That had most of the students in Slytherin, together with the alumni of that House, who had come down to watch the task almost all collectively scowling in annoyance.

"On the First of September I bumped into the Weasleys at Kings Cross. Hagrid, for all his good intentions, had forgotten to tell me how to get onto Platform nine and three-quarters. With only a few minutes until the train left the station - and me in a near panic - that's when I heard Molly Weasley doing her best to break the Statute of Secrecy. Whether that was out of malice aforethought, ignorance or just plain stupidity, I do not know. On the muggle side, she was crying out to her own children in a shrill voice words along the lines of, 'Look at all these muggles! What's the number of the platform again, dear?' And a ten year old Ginny Weasley calling back, 'nine and three-quarters, Mum!'"

With a sigh, he continued, "Irrespective of the probable breach of the Statute, Molly Weasley gave me the knowledge of how to get onto the platform. If it wasn't for her I'd have never found the platform in time, if at all.

"Once on the train, Ron Weasley found me in a compartment on my own. When the subject of Houses came up, he then gave his very biased opinion about them. It was from that conversation, added to what I'd heard from Hagrid back on that day in the Alley, that I had my answer as to where I would try to convince whoever it was that did the sorting, where I was to be sorted. Remember; I still did not know the sorting was done by a magical talking hat that could read minds.

"It was while on that train ride I finally learned of the full identity of 'Albus', the old man with the long white hair and beard. I got a Chocolate Frog card of Albus Dumbledore. I had finally learned that the old man who kept trying to wipe away my memories was also the same old man who would be my new Headmaster. I almost panicked, right then and there.

"We arrived at Hogwarts, received a talk from Minerva McGonagall - where she effectively lied to us and told us our House would be like our family - and were then escorted by her into the Great Hall.

"As the Hat gave its little tale expressed in doggerel verse, I learned how the Hat would sort me. And I also physically breathed a sigh of relief when I learned it would not relate what it would learn out of my mind to anyone.

"Almost immediately after the Hat was placed on my head it wanted to sort me into Slytherin. 'In Slytherin you would be great, you know', the Hat said to me. However, I was determined to go to the one House where a true Slytherin would never be expected to be sorted - Gryffindor.

"For those of you who were there and remember that night, that's why my sorting was one of the longest in history. It took me almost the entire time I was under the Hat for me to convince it to sort me into the House of red and gold. Finally, it recognised my determination, ceded to my wishes and sorted me into Gryffindor. I have never had to argue for something I wanted so hard in my life!

"Now, you might wonder why I chose Gryffindor; and not another House such as Ravenclaw. The answer is quite simple. When people are presented with evidence of something they expect, they never question it. If I had been sorted into Hufflepuff or Ravenclaw, questions would have been asked of why. I'd have been questioned about my sorting, questions would be asked of others who would also then ask me directly. However, as people expected me to be sorted into Gryffindor, no one wondered why; and, therefore, no one asked why."

With a smirk on his face, he gave that a moment to sink in; and for the audience to understand what he'd done.

"So, here I was, a newly minted Gryffindor who was expected to be a Gryffindor, while all along I was really a Slytherin in disguise." He gave a low, almost evil chuckle.

"From then on it was easy. I just had to behave pretty much like I was expected to behave. And just bide my time while trying to stay under the radar, as the muggles would say, until I finished my schooling." He gave another snort of amusement. "Like, that was ever going to happen."

"Basically, from day one in First Year I figured out Ronald Bloody Weasley was going to prove to be nothing but an anchor around my neck. However, I had to 'allow' him to hang around me because, if I'd broken things off with him, Dumbledore would have come sniffing around to find out why.

"From what I've now come to believe, though I have no evidence to support that belief, the first meetings with Weasley at Kings Cross Station and on the Hogwarts Express were somewhat engineered for me and Weasley to meet; and for us to become friends. However, after arriving here at the school, I quickly learned that boy is nothing but an indolent, bigoted, gluttonous git."

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