NOVEL WEB Harriet Potter, and the American Express
So when one tells you that to be sent to another world, you have to die. It is usually implied that it would be painless, like dying in a hospital bed or saving someone from an early end, like saving a girl from a truck. Let me tell you this: it can involve suffering as well. How do I know this, you ask? Well, simple: I got crushed during a fire inspection that sent a water riser system along with the fucking hot water heater they left next to it for shits and giggles. Third-degree burns, along with crushed bones and literally boiling hot water, are not a pleasant way to go, let me tell you. Luckily, humans have developed a stimulant that numbs pain and gives you energy, so the pain lasted about 15 seconds. Unfortunately, this also killed me due to the amount of Adrenaline pumped into my system.
The next thing I know, I am waking up in a dark alley with a drunk Irishman waking me up. Looking around, I found everything taller than me; hell, the man was significantly taller. I know I was not the tallest around. But he couldn’t have been bigger than 5”8’, so why was I just at the bottom of his rib cage? I stumbled out of the alley and found a window that would work as a mirror, only to find a horrifying sight.
“WHAT THE!”
======
“So once again, I will ask, what are you doing in front of Orion's pub, young man?” The British cop asked me with annoyance.
“And again, I have no clue. One second, I am doing my job, and then I wake up in another country as a ten-year-old.” I responded with a bitter tone. The ‘interview’ has lasted for over two hours now, and we are no closer to finding a solution.
“The sooner you can tell me the truth, the sooner we can get this cleared up.” The cop said, trying to keep the growl out of his lips.
“Look, the last thing I know of was a 60-gallon water heater held up by 2x4 and plywood falling on me thanks to a leaking rusted through sprinkler riser and non-OSHA-compliant climbing practices. The next thing I knew, I was waking up in London and was subsequently arrested by ya’ll. Suppose you don’t believe me, fine. But I do request a Birth Certificate search for one Sam Brown from the State of New Hampshire .” I replied, trying to contain my frustration as well.
“Alright, we will be right back.” The cop said as he got up, “Do you want anything to drink?”
“A coffee; at this point, I don’t care about sweetness; I just need the caffeine,” I responded while shuffling in the chair to get comfortable.
While waiting for the officer to come back, I went over a mental checklist in an attempt to figure out what was going on. One, I died in a painful accident that could have been avoided; admittedly, I knew that when I climbed on a rusting pipe. Two, I woke up in an alley as a ten-year-old, possibly 11, but I couldn’t tell. Three, I am in London despite living in Texas, this one has no fucking explanation. Four, This has Zelretch all over it; maybe not, but someone with that skill set did this.
After an hour, the officer came back with some paperwork, along with a pen, “So Mr. Brown. You were officially only recently born as of last year. However, I have made an executive decision as not only do you know things that no ten-year-old would know, along with no missing children reports matching your description, but I am just going to let you go. Side note: Do you know any winning lottery numbers or the winning football teams?”
“I do know the Powerball numbers for September 26th, if only because I needed it for a project. Remember, it is in America, but the numbers are 18, 26, 30, 35, 44, 19, 04, for a prize of 48 million USD. As for the Fifa Cup, I have no clue. I was not a fan of watching sports outside of a ball game.”
“Alright, well, I can let you sleep in the station for the night, but in the morning, I will have to escort you to school. Do you know of any schools in London?”
“I know of Eton only because I was a fan of the Young Bond series.”
“When does that come out? I am not familiar.”
“I think around 05, maybe 06. I know they are out in 2012. Also, don’t take a vacation in New York for the rest of the year; Boston is a good place this time of year.”
“Alright, by the order of the crown, I am placing you under arrest for truancy and disturbing public order. Your sentence will be 12 hours in a cell. Do you understand the charges?”
“Is there a fine, or just the time?”
“No fine, just time.”
“Then I understand. So what is the meal, or is there no meal with a misdemeanor charge?”
“Sadly no food, just a drink. I will get you something to eat tomorrow when I drop you off at Kings Cross so you can get to your schooling.”
“Thank you, officer, err.”
“Dervis.”
“Thank you, Officer Dervis,” I said as Dervis led me to the cell. When I put my head down, I almost immediately fell asleep, as my social batteries were drained with that ‘interview.’
That night, I dreamt of a star floating next to a heart. The sphere of power was pulsating and rearing to be released. Yet it pulsed in the way I gestured, like an orchestra following the conductor. When I had asked for an explosion, it made a small eruption that grew into a miniature mushroom cloud. When I had asked for a flower, it bloomed a deadly nightshade. This was interrupted by a knocking sound somewhere in the Ether.
“Hey, Mr. Brown, it is time for you to get up,” Dervis said as he tapped the bars of the open cell.
“I’m up; I’m up,” I mumbled, stretching over the cot and falling to the floor. The fall sent adrenaline through my veins, waking me up, “I’m ok!” I yelled as I shot up.
“As entertaining as it is, we have an hour to get you to Kings Cross. Come on, Mr. Brown.”
As I followed Officer Dervis out of the cell, I noted just how slow the station was, even if it was early in the morning. Outside, I could already see traffic picking up as Dervis led me to the fleet of Silver cars with eye-wateringly reflective blue and neon patches. Walking to a Mercedes, I opened the backseat door, climbed in with Dervis closing the door behind me, and got in the driver's seat on the right side.
“Wait, but the driver is on the left… oh god, getting a driver's license here is going to be confusing to me,” I mumbled out, Dervis only responding with a chuckle and starting the car, “Is this something that never got to Europe because of Piracy like the Metric system never got to the states.”
“It is more that it offers a better view for our driving needs.”
“Oh, that makes more sense.” The rest of the drive fell to silence as the conversation had no way to progress. The only sound was the Beetles playing from the stereo. Upon arriving at the famous train station. It was better here than in Narnia, the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe.
“Well, Mr Brown. Here is your ticket; I hope you don’t lose it.” Officer Dervis said as he let me out of the car. Just a few cars behind us, I saw an almost literal giant of a man escorting a young girl around my age. I then looked at the ticket and read that my train was on Platform 9. Honestly, I hope that it is easier to navigate Kings Cross than the DFW airport.
Walking through the station, I was honestly taken aback by just how packed it was. I had flown before, but this was chaotic organization over the organized chaos of an airport. Honestly, it was just impressive that no one was tripping over everyone else's luggage, what with how small the platforms were. Wandering around, I found the big man and his young charge talking about something, until he just up and teleported.
‘Wait one second, he just teleported, in London, in 2001, escorting a young girl. If I walk up, and she is orphaned because of a dark lord like Sauron, I am so going with her.’ I thought to myself as I walked up to her, “Howdy miss, you look lost, anything I can do to help.” I asked out loud.
“Umm, do you know how to get to platform 9 3/4s?” The girl asked with some hesitance.
“That is not a platform. Are you sure that is where you have to go?” I asked, somewhat confused by the sense of Déjà vu.
“Yes, this is my ticket,” the girl responded, showing me the ticket.
“Oh, well, that does say 9 and ¾’s… wait a second,” I say as I look down platform 10, “I know how to get there. Follow me,” I say with a shit-eating grin.
“Oh, thanks. My name is Harriet Cosmos Potter or Harriet.”
“Sam, Sam Oliver Brown, and if it is all right with you, I think I will call you Cosmos. It is a name for a badass and the name of a JRPG protagonist.”
“What?”
“Tell ya later, for now, we have to make sure to catch that train. When does it leave?”
“In about 7 minutes.”
“OK, we might have to book it; I can help with your luggage if you want.”
“Oh, but what about your luggage?”
“I have a bag of holding, plus these are men's pants. They can carry the sun and still have enough room for your keys.” I said, eliciting a confused look, “Ok, so logically speaking, 9 and 3/4s is about a quarter from the platform's end. If it is a magical entrance, then we need to figure out which one will let us waltz through a brick wall.”
“But how does that work?”
“When you have eliminated all which is impossible, then whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.”
“You did not come up with that yourself, did you.” She said accusingly, practically a deadpan if I ever heard one.
“No, but it was written by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle in one of his Sherlock Holmes books,” I said as I started poking a brick pillar, “Not this one.”
“What about that family right there? They have a similar cargo as me, plus the woman said muggle.” Cosmos said while pointing at a family of redheads hurrying to one of the trains, despite the trains on platforms 9 and 10 having more than an hour till departure or having already left.
“Oh, what is a muggle?”
“Non-magical folk.”
“Now, that’s insulting. Anyway, no time, follow that family.” I said as I helped push the cart forward. Eventually, we witnessed them run through the wall at the literal halfway point.
“Woah.”
“That is the most misleading name, ever, of all time.”
“Well, at least you got the pillar part correct,” Cosmos said while I looked at the clocks on the platform.
“No time, through the wall now,” I said as I helped push the cart, only to come out on the other side and see an old steam locomotive. Letting out an appreciative whistle, I followed Cosmos and helped her load all of her luggage into one of the compartments in the back. Getting settled in, she was relaxing, and I couldn’t help but give her a pet on the head.
“You had no idea the platform was there, did you.”
“Well, we made it, didn’t we?”
“We got lucky, and you know it.”
“What is the phrase again? Fake it till you make it.”
“That is for jobs and dating, not for school.”
“How do you think most people get into college? Money, or lying your ass off.”
After a few seconds of Cosmos staring at me, she broke down in giggles, her shoulders losing tension, “I do hope you are joking about that. So how did you get into Hogwarts if you are American?”
“Really, the school is called Hogwarts, that is a funny coincidence… Oh, god.” I said as realization dawned on me, “What was your last name again?”
“Potter, and if you weren’t supposed to come to Hogwarts, then I guess you have to follow your own advice.”
“What?”
“Fake it till you make it.”
“Think I can bullshit with D&D 3rd edition spells? Got any batshit?”
“No, but you have all train ride to figure it out.”
“Do you honestly think I can produce flame with my hands by then?” I said as I snapped my fingers, producing a puff of smoke. “Ok, that is new. I can work with this.”
“Neat, how did you do it without a wand?”
“I have no idea; I think, as an American, I am just further down the tech tree.” Eliciting a kick in the shin.
“That was terrible, and you know it.”
“Ow, sunnova bitch.” I growled out as the door opened, and a bushy-haired girl walked in.
“Language, young man.”
“We are all the same age… ish,” I said, mumbling the last part to myself, “Anyway, we are just practicing our Prestidigitation,” I said as I snapped, surprisingly succeeding in making the room smell of popcorn.
“Oh, you did it this time. I guess you can do something useful.”
“First ouch. Second, I meant to make a piece of duct tape or a hair clip. Third, we are the same age.”
“You just used magic outside of Hogwarts. That is illegal and punishable by sealing your magic.”
“What can I say? I am just built different. Anyway, are you going to cop a squat or just stand there awkwardly?”
“Cop a what?”
“Cop a squat, rest your legs, sit down. There are a few others, but I think you get the memo.”
“No, I refuse to sit with a criminal like you.”
“Ok, see ya. I got more shit to figure out.”
“You are terrible, you know that,” Cosmos said as the bushy girl left the compartment.
“And she left the door open, I ain’t paying to heat the outside.”
“We aren’t paying anything; you broke in here when only I was invited.”
“Ha ha, hilarious. Prestidigitation.” I said, snapping my fingers. The door closed by itself. “There we go. I think I can get the hang of this.”
“Personally, I am waiting for the ball to drop.”
“I can figure this out, don’t worry.”
“Not you; I am just waiting for all of this to fall apart and reveal itself to be a dream,” Cosmos said with a depreciating smile.
“Well, if it is a dream, it has to be the weirdest dream for me. I woke up in London as a Ten-year-old taken by the cops and ‘interviewed,’ and now I am here. With just the clothes on my back and the wit in my head.”
“And the Bag of Holding?”
“That will be a work in progress.”
“So you have no wit to spend, then.”
“I got too much work trying to get this right,” I said as the door opened again, revealing a pudgy kid with a bowl cut.
“Um, have you seen a toad? I lost mine.” The kid asked nervously.
“Is his name Trevor?”
“Yes, have you seen him?”
“Wait, seriously, that is his name. I just pulled that out of my ass.” I said, getting a kick in the knee.
“That is just mean. Sorry, but we haven't seen a toad.”
“I am thinking of A toad, but I know for a fact it is not the same one; terrible personality, that one,” I said as she sent another kick my way. Dodging, I smiled triumphantly. Only for her to stomp my foot into the floor. “Sunova bitch that hurt.”
“That is not appropriate,” She said as we heard a cart rolling down the hallway. Getting to our compartment, a kindly lady looked at the three of us.
“Anything from the Trolley, dears?”
“You got a sandwich?”
“No, but I do have sweets.”
“Well, first, can we have the toad you have on there, along with 3 of everything?” Cosmos said as she pulled out some gold coins.
“Dear god, I met Batman’s estranged daughter. Cool.”
“My Parents are dead. I cannot be Bruce Wayne's daughter.”
“Who is Batman or Bruce Wayne?” The Portly boy asked.
“Same person, but one is a superhero, the other is a billionaire playboy philanthropist like Iron Man.”
“He won’t know who that is either,” Cosmos said after opening a chocolate frog and catching it after it made its first jump.
“That is disgusting. Is it Milk or Dark Chocolate?”
“Milk.”
“Hard Pass, I will probably throw up if I ate it,” I said as I opened up the jelly beans, wondering about them. The first one I got was Indian Curry. “Neat curry jelly beans,” I said as I ate another before spitting it out.
“They are every flavor of jelly beans. What flavor did you get.”
“Rotten Eggs,” I said as I closed the box. “I don’t have an appetite anymore.”
“So, um, introductions are in order. My name is Nevil Longbottom.” Nevil said with a nervous smile.
“Sam Oliver Brown,” I continued snapping, creating puffs of smoke every now and then.
“Or Son Of a Bitch if you want to get technical,” Cosmos mumbled out.
“What?” Nevil asked next to me.
“What?” Cosmos responded.
“What happened to the shy girl I met not even an hour ago,” I said, getting another kick to the knees, “At this point, I swear you're a sadist.”
“What is a Sadist?” Nevil asked.
“When you are older.” Cosmos and I said at the same time.
“But we are the same age,” Nevil responded, bewildered.
“Let's drop it for now. My name is Harriet Cosmos Potter.”
“You're the Girl-Who-Lived,” Nevil said with awe in his voice, getting Cosmos to shrink into herself.
“And that is a terrible nickname, too many hyphens. Cosmos, or Lady Shin-kicker, is a more fitting title.” Receiving a kick to the gut, “I am not sorry.” I groaned out. The bird in the corner was just having a hoot at the entertainment.
“So Nevil, I saw you getting your supplies when I went to Diagon Alley, but I never saw you get a wand.”
“I was given my dad’s wand.”
“Better than mine, I got Voldemort’s sibling wand,” Cosmos said, eliciting a large flinch from Nevil.
“And I have a jar of dirt.”
“Sam, you don’t even have a trunk, much less a jar of dirt.”
“What can I say? I like to pack light.” I said with a smile and another kick in the shins.
“So, what kind of wand do you have, Sam?”
“Nadda, did not have time to go wand shopping.” I said as I snapped again, producing a flame, that went out almost immediately, “Dammit, almost had it that time.”
“What are you trying to do?” Nevil asked with amazement.
“He is trying to do the impossible and succeeding,” Cosmos replied with a sigh.
“What can I say, ya’ll need to get on my lev-SHIT!” I said as I snapped again, sending the small flame flying out the window, breaking the glass, “I am the weapon now.”
“Slow your roll, Bruce Lee,” Cosmos responded while looking at the window.
“Ok, but before we get blamed, I had nothing to do with it.” I said as I waved my hands to get the smoke out of the room, “Nevil, got a way to fix the window?”
“I know of one, but I can’t do it right. Maybe we get one of the Head Boys or Head Girls?” Nevil said as he got up to leave the compartment.
“So, how much trouble are you going to make before we even get to Hogwarts.”
“Good question; I have no idea,” I responded as three boys walked up to the open door.
“So I heard Potter was in this compartment. The name is Malfoy. I think, as you will find, some wizarding families are better than others, especially mud-bloods. I can help you there.” The blond ring leader emphasizing me when he mentioned mud-bloods.
“Cosmos, have you met someone named Potter?”
“Well, I don’t know a Potter. Methinks you have the wrong compartment.” The two meatheads behind him were clearly confused by the conversation, “Anyway, are you the window repair boy?”
“What happened to the window? How does that happen?” The blonde, Malfooey, I think, asked, taken aback by the shattered glass.
“Thermal dynamics, really. Can you fix it or not?” I asked with a shrug.
“No, there is not enough glass to make the repair.” Malfee responded with a shrug, “Tell me, what houses are you going to be sorted in.”
“I don’t know,” Cosmos said in a near whisper, getting more and more uncomfortable by the blond's approach.
“That is future me’s problem, not my current predicament.”
“Well, if you can’t fix it. Move to another Compartment; the train has plenty of empty ones a train car down.” Malpoi said on the way out.
“It’s not a bad idea, I think it is for the best. No point in having a conversation where the wind is interrupting.” I said, getting a nod from Cosmos as she got up to grab the owl cage.
“Can you help me get my trunk down?”
“Sure,” I responded while climbing onto the seat. When I grabbed the handle, I felt a fuzzy step followed by seven more. With a mighty yelp, I fell backward, bringing the trunk down with me, along with the tarantula that walked on my hand.
“Hello, Mr. Spider,” Cosmos said while picking up the 8-legged monster and tossing it out of the broken window. She then picked up her trunk and passed it to me. When we got out of the compartment, she turned to me and spoke.
“So you have a fear of spiders? When did that happen?”
“When I was about two, I had a brown recluse bite me. Sent me to the ER, and I have had Arachnophobia since.” I said as I shuddered, “I think I still have the scar, or it might be a birthmark.”
“Interesting, I never took you for having a fear of spiders.”
“Ha ha, is there anything you are scared of?”
“Loud noises, like yelling or screaming.”
“Why?”
“Relatives.”
“Just Relatives?”
“It is… personal,” Cosmos said while I opened the door to another empty compartment.
“Got it,” I said while picking up Cosmos’s trunk to put it up top. When I got up there, I failed to notice a large slab of cardboard that was in the overhead.
“Do you think we should have left a note for Nevil? Nah, he’ll be fine.”
“He might get in trouble because you messed up.”
“Then I will apologize to him later.”
“I somehow doubt it.”
“I’ll think of something.”
“It will be hard when you can’t get into the school.”
“As I said, I will think of something,” I said as Cosmos hummed noncommittally. The next few hours were spent in comfortable silence. Cosmos brought out a Narnia book to read while I practiced channelling magic. Occasionally, I would silently cheer as I got a spell to work consistently, not that I could cast every spell. Some spells, no matter how hard I tried, just did not work. Soon, a knock on the door alerted us that someone was at the door. Whoever they were, they opened it like they owned the train.
“We will be at Hogwarts in thirty minutes.” The red-headed boy said, closing the door behind him.
“You heard him, Sam, out for the student of this compartment to change.”
“Yes, mistress Cosmos,” I said dramatically, stepping out and closing the compartment behind me. Hearing a yelp, I was tempted to ask if she was okay, but aside from the opening of the trunk, there were no other loud noises. I figured she was fine.
“You can come back in now,” Cosmos said while opening the compartment door. Stepping in, I found a cardboard box on the floor. An idea popped into my head, an idea so stupid, it just might work.
“Oh yeah, it's all coming together.”
“Why are you looking at the cardboard box?”
“Don’t worry about it,” I said as I prepared the box for my infiltration.
“I don’t think that will work.”
“It will, trust me. Got a pen or a writing utensil?”
“No, I don’t. They are in the luggage carriage with my other school supplies.”
“Ok then, how do you spell your first name?”
“Why?” she asked very hesitantly.
“It is part of my plan.”
“H-a-r-r-i-e-t, do you need my last name as well?”
“Prestidigitation.” I intoned, snapping my fingers, marking the box as Harriet Potters.
“Really.”
“Trust me,” I said as I got into the box, closing it behind me. At some point, I fell asleep only to get woken up by being flipped over.
-Harriet Potters POV-
Getting sorted into Gryffindor was not the end of the world. Although the redhead, Ron Weasley, was definitely a drawback. The hat was tempted to send her to Slytherin, but she refused on the basis of staying with Nevil. The boy needed a friend, and frankly, so did I. I was curious about where Sam ended up if that was his name. I would not mind seeing him around if for nothing else than the entertainment and the careless attitude for my apparent fame.
“Boys on the right and girls on the left.” the Prefect, Weasley. Another annoying redhead, not like the twins. I had only met them for an hour, and I already liked them. Climbing up with Hermione, Lavender, and Parvati, we found our dorm. Parvati opened it up only to pause.
“Why is there a cardboard box on one of the beds?”
“You are shitting me, right?”
“Language!” Hermione yelled in indignation.
“English, besides, I am just surprised that worked.”
“What?” Lavender asked with genuine confusion as I stepped into the room.
“Don’t freak out, ok,” I said as I approached the box, tossing it off the bed, eliciting a masculine yelp, “So did you have a good nap, Sam?”
“Why would you treat your pets like that?” Parvati said in surprise at the sudden movement.
“Hedwig is over there. Besides, HE is more akin to a wild animal than a pet.” I said as a brown head of hair poked out of the box.
“PERVERT!” Hermione screamed as she beholds the boy crawling out of the box.
“What did I say about freaking out.”
“Ouch, the fuck was that for Cosmos. Also, what is with the screaming? Did something die?”
“No, but you might die,” I said as the Prefect burst into the room, casting a spell at the poor boy, stunning him immediately.
“So what happened?” Lavender asked, completely lost.
“Sam, the boy that is being dragged away. Snuck into the school in a cardboard box.”
“And you helped him, didn’t you!” Hermione accused me of vitriol, which was only matched by Vernon.
“Oh no, this was all him. Seeing as how he was not invited to Hogwarts, and he decided to attend for some reason. Good night, girls. I have had enough excitement for today.” I said as I took the bed, the box was on. I changed into my PJs and went to sleep.
-Sam’s POV-