Gnomy tells all: stories from his lifetimes throughout the universes

I’m sure you’ve noticed that my time on Earth had a big effect on me. I learned so much from my early assignments on that beautiful planet. I feel like I know the planet and the humans more than most intergalactic beings. I spent enough lifetimes there to experience many of the activities and advancements on the planet.

There is one agreeable activity that I picked up while on Earth that I still enjoy, all these eons later. That small yet noteworthy pleasure is coffee.

Ah yes, coffee.

Which, of course, is an essential part of a coffee break, that daily respite that makes each morning go so much better.

Let me tell you the rumor of how coffee came to be.

The story is that God the great Creator of All personally designed coffee, intent on forming a beverage worthy of itself.

The Creator was becoming weary in its imagining of an infinite number of universes. It lacked the inspiration necessary to design new varieties of, well, everything. It lacked the positive energy necessary to lavishly design each galaxy, each planet, and each separate ecosystem to its fullest capacity.

The Creator of All was looking for something to revive its flagging enthusiasm for the project.

In a flash of inspiration, the Creator designed first the heavenly coffee smell and then the divine coffee flavor.

It turned out that coffee was just what the Creator needed. God was able to continue its cosmic work. In fact, after a few cups of coffee, God finished its most beautiful, abstract and impressive work yet: the Pillars of Creation. The vast region of the Pillars is a star nursery, where new stars constantly coalesce from simple gases and dust.

Yes, just when we thought this universe seemed complete, an entirely new area became active. The Pillars’ stars will be completed on a regular timeline throughout the next tens of millions of years.

I’ve heard that there are some cosmic surprises coming up for the design of these stars and their galaxies. Their final forms are still a secret, but there are rumors that the laws of physics will be altered for this region of the universe. The new cosmic laws will allow not just greater diversity in the final forms but also permit research over millions of years to truly understand the incredible possibilities of this dimension.

There are many ideas about what will happen. Perhaps there will be a wee alteration in the rules of magnetism? Or just a smidge of a change in gravity? Maybe a few new floating string particles? Or perhaps some new elements will be created in the Periodic Table. It’s whispered that changes in tiny subatomic orbits will ever so slightly alter particles as we know them.

Like I said, the changes are a secret but that won’t stop every being throughout the universes from speculating. Of course, different rules will result in different life forms existing there, too. I can’t wait to see what they look like.

Anyway, the Supreme Being has said that the Pillars’ designs could not have been achieved without coffee’s help. And so, God the Creator of All saw that coffee was helpful and good, and sometimes just what was needed to get a project done. Coffee was added to the plethora of items considered excellent and necessary.

However, that wasn’t the end of the story for coffee.

The creator gods, the cosmic deities who design most planets and living beings in the universes, were miffed that they never thought of coffee. These hedonistic gods were always looking for new taste sensations, so they took up the coffee habit. They enjoyed its flavor and vitality just as much as the Creator did.

Ever practical in their pursuit of pleasure, the gods decided to change coffee from a heavenly miracle that was difficult to obtain, to an agricultural crop they could easily grow. They decided to grow coffee as a coffee bean, on a coffee bush.

Earth was one of the early test worlds for the new coffee plant. It turned out that coffee grew marvelously on that planet.

News of this drink called coffee circulated quickly. The gods and their heavenly sycophants excitedly spread the coffee habit, and indeed the actual coffee bush, to fashionable beings on many worlds.

Soon, plain hot coffee was no longer good enough for these notables. Their one-upmanship led to the development of espressos and assorted coffee drinks like lattes and mochas. Next there was iced coffee, decaf coffee, and long discussions about best types of coffee beans to achieve the most subtle flavors. A huge assortment of expensive coffee roasting and brewing equipment was developed.

The creator gods helped design some sweet treats to go with their trendy morning coffee breaks. There were long centuries of debate on which type of baked cookie was best, what type of fried dough was delicious enough, and was there a best type of cake to eat with coffee. The tastiest recipes for croissants and pastries were fervently debated. These discussions are still ongoing in many lofty circles.

Ordinary beings around the universes tried coffee and liked it. Coffee became ubiquitous on almost every planet. In fact, Earthlings who get caught in stargates and accidentally transport across universes are always astonished to smell coffee as they wander through new worlds.

Now I admit that this whole elaborate coffee creation story is just another bit of gossip in a cosmos full of rumors. Unfortunately, mere mortal beings like us will never be privy to the actual truth. You must admit that the complex and heavenly smell of coffee and its unique taste actually do exist across most universes, along with accompanying sweet treats. And how else could something so glorious, enjoyed by so many around the universes, have come into being?