Glitch Slapped

Sam had barely caught his breath after his latest verbal outburst-his still-glowing, shame-inducing “I Lick Hairy Taints” moment-when Trinket led him into the Misfits' makeshift arena.

The flickering, glitch-riddled room felt like it could fall apart at any moment. The walls shifted between stone and something that looked suspiciously like half-melted pixels, the floorboards phased in and out of existence, and there was an unsettling hum, like reality itself was running on a dial-up connection.

“Oh, this looks safe,” Sam muttered, rolling his eyes as he stepped inside. He could feel his nerves twitching just by being in the room, as if the whole world was waiting for an excuse to go to shit. Which, in this world, seemed like a pretty regular occurrence.

“You’re gonna love this,” Glitch said, practically vibrating with excitement. “They’ve probably rigged this thing to fall apart in ways you can’t even imagine.”

“Thanks for the vote of confidence,” Sam muttered, but he couldn’t shake the feeling that Glitch was probably right. “So, how exactly does this thing work?”

Trinket stood at the edge of the arena, her fox-like features glitching in and out. She looked far too pleased with herself. “It’s simple, really. You survive.”

Sam raised an eyebrow. “That’s it?”

“Well,” Trinket said, grinning, “there’s a little more to it than that, but I figured I’d let you experience the fun firsthand.”

Sam shot her a flat look. “Great. I’ve always wanted to die in an arena made out of bad coding.”

“Oh, don’t be such a baby,” Trinket said, smirking. “Think of it as a chance to prove yourself. Or die. Either way, we’ll be entertained.”

“Fantastic,” Sam grumbled, rolling his shoulders and trying to loosen up. His muscles were still stiff from the constant stress of existing in this hellhole, but what choice did he have? The only way out was through.

“Before you get your ass handed to you,” Glitch chimed in, “might I remind you that you’ve got a few stat points to assign? You know, so you don’t die like a complete dipshit?”

Sam groaned. “Right, right. Stats.”

He opened his status screen with a flick of his hand, the familiar glowing interface popping up in front of him.

Sam Walker – ASS-ASS-In

Level 2

Unassigned Stat Points: 15

Base Stats:

Strength: 10

Dexterity: 15

Constitution: 10

Intelligence: 7

Wisdom: 5

Luck: 8

“Let’s not fuck this up,” Sam muttered to himself, eyeing the points. He shoved five into Constitution because if this arena was as glitchy as it looked, he’d need to survive more than one hit. Another five went into Dexterity-if he couldn’t hit the target, then he was just screwed from the get-go. And then there was Luck…

Glitch was eyeing him-or at least, Sam felt like he was being judged. “Don’t forget Luck, dumbass. You know, the one stat that might stop you from face-planting in a pile of shit?”

Sam scowled. “You really think it’ll make a difference?”

“Buddy, in this world, you need all the Luck you can get. Especially with your track record of failure.”

“Alright, alright!” Sam huffed, sliding the remaining five points into Luck. The number blinked up to 13, and he closed the screen with a resigned sigh. “Happy now?”

“Oh, I’m over the fucking moon,” Glitch said, his zipper-mouth curling into a smug grin. “Now let’s see how fast you get wrecked.”

Trinket clapped her hands, and the whole room seemed to flicker in response. “Alright, Sam, time to see what you’re made of. The challenge starts… now.”

For a second, nothing happened. Sam blinked, glancing around the arena, half-expecting something to explode. But then the floor rippled under his feet, and with a sharp crack, a figure materialized in the center of the arena.

It was an NPC-or at least, it used to be one. Its body flickered between digital static and solid form, constantly phasing in and out of existence. It jerked forward, its movements glitchy and unpredictable, like a marionette being controlled by someone with Parkinson’s.

“Oh, that’s not fucking creepy at all,” Sam muttered, pulling out his Itchy Dagger, which immediately twitched in his hand like it had been infected with fleas.

“Meet your target,” Trinket said from the sidelines, grinning like a lunatic. “All you have to do is take it down.”

The NPC lurched forward, its head spinning in a grotesque, impossible circle, and Sam felt his stomach drop. “Of course,” he muttered. “Because nothing can ever just be normal.”

He raised the dagger and darted forward, hoping his Butt of Shadows skill would activate properly. But the moment he stepped into the NPC’s range, his foot slipped, the skill fizzled, and he found himself skidding directly into the NPC’s outstretched arms.

“Shit!” Sam cursed as the NPC’s glitchy hand swiped through his torso, knocking the wind out of him. He tumbled to the ground, feeling the sharp sting of the arena’s floor digging into his back.

Glitch was practically howling with laughter. “Oh, this is beautiful! You can’t even manage basic stealth!”

“Shut up Glitch, I'm trying to concentrate!” Sam yelled, scrambling to his feet. He tried again, this time activating Back-Side-Stab.

The good news? The skill activated.

The bad news? The skill sent him flying backward-directly into the wall.

Sam hit the wall with a thud, his body leaving a Sam-shaped dent as he groaned in pain. “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.”

Trinket chuckled. “Well, you’re not dead yet.”

“I’m working on it,” Sam groaned, pushing himself back to his feet.

The NPC jerked toward him again, its arm glitching as it extended far longer than it had any right to. Sam ducked, rolling out of the way just as the NPC’s fingers brushed the spot where his head had been.

“Alright, enough of this shit,” Sam growled. He charged forward, his Itchy Dagger twitching in his hand, and this time he managed to land a hit-sort of.

The dagger pierced the NPC’s side, and for a brief moment, Sam thought he’d actually done something. But then the NPC flickered, its body shifting out of reality, and when it blinked back, it was standing behind him.

Sam spun around, cursing under his breath. “This is impossible!”

“Not impossible,” Glitch said, his voice full of smug amusement. “Just impossibly difficult. You’re welcome.”

Sam grit his teeth and lunged again, trying to stay one step ahead of the NPC’s unpredictable movements. The fight was pure chaos-every time he thought he had the upper hand, the damn thing would glitch out of existence, only to reappear and knock him flat on his ass.

After what felt like an eternity of dodging and missing, Sam finally managed to land a decent hit. His dagger sank into the NPC’s chest, and for a moment, the creature flickered violently, as if struggling to hold its form together.

“YES!” Sam shouted, his heart racing. “Suck it, glitch boy!”

But before he could celebrate further, a familiar voice cut through the chaos.

“Do… you… quest?”

Sam froze. “Not now, Loop!”

The NPC flickered again, but Sam’s focus was pulled to the side, where Loop had materialized just outside the arena, his blank stare locked on Sam.

“Do… you… quest?” Loop asked again, as if he hadn’t already asked a thousand times before.

Sam was about ready to throttle him. “YES! I FUCKING QUEST! SHUT UP!”

As soon as the words left his mouth, a notification blinked into his vision.

Hidden Quest Activated: Glitched Arena. Bonus Activated.

Sam blinked. “What the hell?”

Before he could make sense of it, the NPC lunged at him again, but this time Sam’s reflexes kicked in faster than he expected. He dodged to the side, and in one smooth motion, drove his dagger into the NPC’s neck.

The creature let out a distorted screech as its body flickered violently, and then-finally-it exploded into a shower of glitchy pixels.

Sam stood there, panting, his heart racing, his muscles screaming in protest. The arena was silent for a moment, the flickering walls and floors slowing down as if the world itself had paused.

“I… I did it?” Sam gasped, staring at the spot where the NPC had just been.

“Barely,” Glitch said, but there was an edge of reluctant respect in his tone. “And you almost didn’t, dipshit.”

Before Sam could respond, two notifications blinked into view:

Victory! Arena Challenge Complete.

You have been awarded: Pixel (ERROR)

Hidden Quest Complete! Reward: Glitch-Bound Bracelet.

Sam’s brow furrowed. “What the fuck is a ‘Glitch-Bound Bracelet’?”

Before Glitch could chime in with some smartass response, a small, metallic bracelet materialized in front of him. It shimmered, its surface flickering like everything else in this broken world.

Sam snatched it out of the air and turned it over in his hands. The bracelet felt cold to the touch, and as soon as his fingers made contact with it, a series of stats blinked into his vision:

Glitch-Bound Bracelet

+10 Dexterity

+5 Luck

Special Effect: Randomly causes either a boost or a penalty to equipped stats during combat.

“Well, shit,” Sam muttered, fastening the bracelet around his wrist. “I guess this’ll come in handy-if it doesn’t fuck me over at the wrong time.”

“Oh, it’ll fuck you over,” Glitch said, his voice full of glee. “That’s the fun part.”

Before Sam could argue, the next notification blinked in:

Level Up! You have reached Level 3.

15 Stat Points Available.

Sam blinked. “Wait… already?”

“Looks like that hidden quest gave you an extra push,” Glitch said, a mischievous glint in his voice. “You lucky bastard.”

Sam groaned. “Alright, let’s see…” He opened his stat screen again, eyeing the available points. After a moment of consideration, he dumped 10 into Dexterity, figuring he needed more agility in this insane world, and split the remaining five between Luck and Constitution.

“You’re gonna need all the help you can get,” Glitch said. “Especially with Pixel glitching out over there.”

As if on cue, a small, glitchy creature materialized in front of him. It flickered between a ball of light, a tiny robot, and, for some reason, a toaster, before finally settling on the form of a cat-though its fur was more static than anything solid.

“Oh, what fresh hell is this?” Sam muttered, staring at the creature.

“Pixel,” Glitch said, his voice full of glee. “Oh, I like this one.”

Pixel meowed, though it came out as more of a digital warble, and it glitched out of existence for a moment before reappearing on Sam’s shoulder.

Trinket clapped from the edge of the arena. “Well, well. I wasn’t expecting you to trigger that particular reward, but I guess the world had other plans.”

Sam glared at her. “What the hell is this thing?”

“That,” Trinket said, grinning, “is Pixel. One of the last Glitch Guardians. Or at least, it used to be. Now it’s more like a… companion. And congratulations-it’s yours now.”

Pixel nuzzled Sam’s cheek, its fur buzzing like static, and Sam resisted the urge to fling it off. “Great. Just what I needed. Another glitchy pain in the ass.”

“Oh, you’ll learn to love it,” Trinket said, her grin widening. “Pixel’s a bit of a wildcard, but it’s got potential. If you can stabilize its abilities, it could be a real asset. Or, you know, it might just turn into a toaster again. Either way, fun times ahead.”

Sam sighed, running a hand through his hair. “Yeah... fun times...”

Glitch cackled. “Oh, you know it!”

Pixel’s form flickered again, briefly turning into a toaster before reappearing in its cat form, nuzzling Sam’s neck with a warbling purr.

“Great,” Sam muttered. “I’m the proud owner of a goddamn glitching house appliance.”

“Welcome to the Misfits,” Glitch said, barely containing his laughter. “You’ll fit right in.”

Sam Checked his status Sheet: