Glitch Slapped

Sam wasn’t entirely sure how many more glitches he could tolerate before completely losing his shit. He had been wandering through a forest that seemed less “enchanted” and more “what-the-fuck-is-this?” for what felt like an eternity, and things weren’t getting any better. The trees flickered between vibrant green and pixelated static, gravity kept forgetting to do its job, and the only thing keeping him company was a sentient bag that had the personality of a smart-ass middle manager.

As he took a deep breath, contemplating whether smothering himself with Glitch was a viable escape option, a glowing red message popped up in front of him, blocking his view of the chaotic landscape and generally shitting on whatever semblance of sanity he had left.

ERROR: NO CLASS SELECTED. STAT POINTS UNASSIGNED. PROGRESSION HALTED UNTIL YOU CHOOSE A CLASS AND ASSIGN STAT POINTS.

Sam blinked at the glowing message, rubbing his eyes as if that might somehow make it disappear. Spoiler: it didn’t.

“What the actual fuck?” Sam muttered, wondering how the hell he’d managed to stumble into this never-ending carnival of confusion. He wasn’t in a game; this was real-too real. He could smell the damp, glitchy dirt beneath his feet and feel the cold bite of the air around him. And now there were error messages?

"Oh, good," came a voice from his hip. The leather bag hanging at his side, the ever-helpful Glitch, had its zipper curled into what could only be described as a smirk. "You’ve finally triggered the most basic part of this world. I was beginning to think you’d wander around like a clueless dipshit forever."

Sam glared at Glitch, wondering how far he could throw the talking bag before it bounced back like some kind of fucked-up boomerang. “What the hell is this about? I didn’t even know I needed a class.”

“Well, obviously,” Glitch replied, his tone dripping with condescension. “That’s because you’re about as observant as a brick with brain damage. But hey, lucky you, you get to choose a class now. You know, so you can stop being completely useless.”

Sam clenched his fists, feeling a rush of irritation. “Alright, asshole. How do I do this?”

Glitch’s zipper curled again. “Oh, now you’re asking for help? What a plot twist. Fine, let me walk you through it since your survival instincts are about as sharp as a spoon.”

Before Sam could snap back, a new interface materialized in front of him. It was filled with a list of classes: Warrior, Mage, Cleric, Ranger, and Assassin. Each one came with a brief description of what it entailed, but Sam’s eyes were immediately drawn to one in particular.

Assassin.

Something about the word called to him. Stealth, precision, the idea of taking out targets from the shadows. Hell, he might actually be good at it.

“I’ll go with Assassin,” Sam said, a small grin tugging at the corner of his mouth.

Glitch snorted. “Assassin? Really? You? You can barely walk in a straight line without tripping over your own feet, and you think sneaking around in the shadows is your calling? But sure, go ahead. I can’t wait to see how this shitshow unfolds.”

Sam rolled his eyes and selected the Assassin class. The interface flickered for a moment, then another glowing message appeared:

CONGRATULATIONS! YOU HAVE CHOSEN THE ASS-ASS-IN CLASS.

Sam’s grin faltered. “Wait. What?”

“Yup,” Glitch said, barely containing his laughter. “It says ‘Ass-Ass-In.’ Looks like you’re living your best life, my friend.”

Sam groaned. “This world is fucking broken.”

“Oh, you’re just noticing now? I’ve been telling you that since you got here, genius. But hey, at least now you have a class to fail at.”

Sam waved the message away and rubbed his temples. “Fine, I’m an Ass-Ass-In. What the hell do I do now?”

“Well, now you have to assign your stat points,” Glitch said with the air of someone explaining quantum physics to a toddler. “You know, so you don’t immediately die the first time something sharp comes at you. Let’s break this down so your tiny brain can handle it.”

Another interface popped up, showing his base stats:

Strength: 5

Dexterity: 5

Constitution: 5

Intelligence: 5

Wisdom: 5

Luck: 5

He had 30 points to assign, and before he could even think about where to put them, Glitch chimed in again.

“Here’s where you completely fuck it up. You’ll want to put points into Dexterity because, you know, you’re an ‘Ass-Ass-In,’ and you’ll probably need to dodge more shit than you hit. Also, throw some points into Constitution unless you enjoy being one-shotted by squirrels.”

“I’m not an idiot,” Sam grumbled, moving the Dexterity slider up to 15. “And what about Strength?”

"Oh yeah, sure, put points there if you enjoy overcompensating for something. But don’t go crazy. You’re not exactly going to be bench-pressing dragons.”

Sam nudged Strength up to 10 and paused. “What about Luck? Why do I need Luck?”

Glitch let out a long-suffering sigh. “Luck is for people who make terrible life choices. Which, judging by your current situation, is very fucking relevant to you. Trust me, you’re going to want at least five points in that-or more if you can admit you’re a walking disaster.”

Sam huffed and bumped Luck up to 8. He threw the remaining points into Constitution and Intelligence, leaving Wisdom embarrassingly low. He wasn’t going to need much wisdom if his main job was stabbing people in the dark, right?

Once the points were assigned, the glowing message blinked out of existence, replaced by another one.

SKILLS ACQUIRED: STEALTH, BACKSTAB, DEADLY PRECISION.

Sam’s heart raced. “Holy shit. I actually got skills? Like, real assassin skills?”

"Don’t cream your pants just yet," Glitch said, his zipper mouth curling into that infuriating smirk. "You got the basic skills, but knowing this world, they’re probably about to-"

Before Glitch could finish, another pop-up flashed in front of Sam’s face:

ERROR: SKILL STEALTH HAS BEEN MODIFIED TO 'BUTT OF SHADOWS.' SKILL BACKSTAB HAS BEEN MODIFIED TO 'BACK-SIDE-STAB.' DEADLY PRECISION HAS BEEN MODIFIED TO 'MEH, CLOSE ENOUGH.'

Sam stared at the message, his excitement rapidly draining away. "You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me."

“Well,” Glitch said, practically wheezing with laughter now, “I did warn you about the glitches. Looks like your skills got... upgraded.”

“Upgraded?” Sam spluttered. “What the fuck is Butt of Shadows?”

"Sounds like the kind of thing you’d use to sneak up on someone while giving them a very unfortunate view," Glitch said between fits of laughter. "And Back-Side-Stab? Oh, please tell me you’re going to try that one out. I need to see this in action."

Sam closed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying not to let his mounting frustration boil over. "Okay. Fine. I’ll make it work. Whatever these dumbass skills are, they’re all I’ve got."

He couldn’t let the glitches win. Not when he was just starting to get the hang of things.

"That’s the spirit," Glitch said, still chuckling. "Keep that ass of yours lucky, and you might just survive this world yet."

Before Sam could respond, he heard a low growl behind him. His body tensed as the ground beneath his feet vibrated with heavy, deliberate footsteps. Slowly, he turned, eyes narrowing as a monstrous wolf-like creature emerged from the forest’s shadows.

But this wasn’t just a normal wolf—if anything, it was barely a wolf at all. The creature was glitching wildly, its form flickering between that of a standard wolf, a bear-like beast, and, for some inexplicable reason, a chair with legs. Its jaws snapped open and shut, teeth clicking together like broken gears. Every so often, its limbs would stretch and distort, like the creature was being pulled apart by an invisible force, only to snap back together in the wrong configuration.

Sam took a step back, the dagger in his hand suddenly feeling far less reassuring than it had a moment ago. "What the hell is that thing?"

"Oh, just your typical corrupted wildlife,” Glitch said with a shrug. “No big deal. You should try out that new skill of yours. You know, Back-Side-Stab. Do it! You might accidentally give it the best death of its life.”

Sam rolled his eyes, though his grip on the dagger tightened. The wolf-creature’s six glowing eyes locked onto him, its growl deepening as it prowled closer, glitching with each step. Sam could feel his heart pounding, and every nerve in his body screamed at him to run, but that wasn’t an option. He wasn’t going to die here—not because of a bugged-out wolf with a furniture fetish.

“Well,” Sam muttered under his breath, “guess it’s time to test out the Butt of Shadows.”

He activated the skill, half-expecting it to fail, but to his surprise, his body flickered and vanished, slipping into the shadows like a poorly coded ninja. The wolf blinked, clearly confused as its prey disappeared from sight.

"Well, damn," Sam whispered, creeping behind the beast as it sniffed the air, its glitchy limbs jerking with each movement. "Maybe this stupid skill isn't so bad after all."

Sam positioned himself directly behind the creature, raised his dagger, and activated Back-Side-Stab. As soon as the skill kicked in, Sam felt the absurd surge of power flood through him—like his butt cheeks were glowing with the force of a thousand neon signs.

“Alright, here goes nothing,” Sam muttered, plunging the dagger into the wolf’s back.

The effect was immediate—and ridiculous. Instead of a clean stab, a loud FWOOMP echoed through the clearing as the blade lit up, sending out a comically bright flare of light. The wolf’s eyes widened, and for a brief moment, it stopped glitching entirely, as if the game itself didn’t know how to process what had just happened.

Then, without warning, the creature exploded. Not in a normal “monster-death” kind of way, but in a full-blown, over-the-top explosion of corrupted pixels and distorted code. The beast disintegrated, its body breaking apart into chunks of glitchy debris that scattered across the forest floor.

Sam stood there, dagger still raised, eyes wide as bits of pixelated wolf rained down around him.

“What the actual fuck?!” Sam exclaimed, staring at the remains of the monster. “I didn’t even hit it that hard!”

“Well,” Glitch said, practically wheezing with laughter now, “I did warn you about the glitches. Looks like your skills got... upgraded.”

LEVEL UP! YOU HAVE REACHED LEVEL 2.

Sam blinked, momentarily stunned by the notification. "I leveled up?"

"Looks like it," Glitch said, sounding slightly more impressed than usual. "Guess that kill gave you enough experience. Don’t get cocky, though. It’s only going to get weirder from here."

Sam took a deep breath, the glow of the message fading as the reality of his situation sank in. He wasn’t just some clueless guy stumbling around a glitchy world anymore. He was an Ass-Ass-In with, well, weird-ass skills, but skills nonetheless.

"Alright," Sam muttered, adjusting his grip on the dagger. "What’s next?"

"Oh, you’ll find out soon enough. Something tells me the universe isn’t done fucking with you just yet."

Sam glanced around the forest, half-expecting another glitchy nightmare to stumble out of the trees at any moment. But for now, the world was quiet-too quiet.

Sam stared down at the glitchy remains of the creature, still fizzing and pixelating like a broken video file. He was about to move on when something caught his eye-something small, shiny, and very out of place amidst the digital wreckage.

"Wait a second…"

He crouched down, squinting at the pile of dissolving pixels, and there it was. A small object had appeared, hovering just above the ground. It shimmered like an old-school RPG treasure chest, except this one had weird neon lights around the edges, flickering on and off like it was powered by a faulty circuit.

"Oh, would you look at that?" Glitch said, his voice filled with smug amusement. "Our friend here dropped some loot. Go on, grab it-before it glitches out and turns into something less useful. Like a sock. Or worse, a motivational poster."

Sam hesitated for a moment, expecting the glowing object to either disappear or explode in his hand. But after a quick glance at Glitch, he reached out and snatched it up. A glowing message appeared:

ITEM ACQUIRED: ITCHY DAGGER

Stats:

Damage: 10–25 (Randomly fluctuates with each hit)

Critical Chance: 15% (May increase or decrease by up to 5% depending on "luck")

Special Effect: 25% chance of flickering out mid-battle (attack misses)

Bonus Effect: 10% chance of ignoring enemy armor when it glitches

The dagger appeared in Sam’s hand, sleek and black, with an unsettling aura. The blade was smooth, but something about it felt... off. Maybe it was the way the handle tingled in his grip, or the fact that it seemed to twitch in and out of reality for a split second-just enough to make him question if it was real.

"Itchy Dagger?" Sam muttered, turning it over. "Why does it feel like it’s alive? And itchy?"

"Itchy, huh?" Glitch snickered. "Well, nothing says ‘trustworthy weapon’ like something that feels like it’s got a case of poison ivy."

"Great," Sam grumbled. "A glitchy-ass dagger. Just what I needed."

But as soon as Sam put the dagger into his belt, the world around him flickered. For a moment, everything from the trees to Glitch himself blinked out of existence. When things reappeared, the dagger felt solid again, and Sam was left rubbing his eyes.

"Okay, what the hell was that?" Sam muttered.

"You'll get used to it," Glitch said with a nonchalant wave. "Things just... glitch. This place doesn't exactly follow normal rules."

Sam gave the dagger one more suspicious glance before heading deeper into the forest. Every step he took, the world seemed to pulse with uncertainty-like reality itself wasn’t entirely sure it wanted to stick around. Trees flickered, shadows warped, and the ever-present hum of glitches filled the air.

"Let’s just get this over with," Sam muttered, pulling his hood up as he marched forward. "Next thing I know, this dagger’s going to itch itself out of existence."

As if in response, the dagger glitched again, and for a brief moment, the handle felt like it was vibrating with a life of its own.

Sam continued trudging through the forest, his mind still racing from everything that had just happened. He had killed a glitchy monster, gained weird-ass skills, and leveled up. It was a lot to take in.

As the adrenaline finally began to ebb, another thought crossed his mind. “I wonder what my full status looks like now.”

"Oooh, exciting," Glitch said sarcastically. "Let’s take a peek at your magnificent self. I’m sure it’ll be a real confidence booster."

Ignoring the sarcasm, Sam focused, mentally pulling up his status sheet. A glowing interface popped up in front of him, neatly displaying all his stats and skills. For the first time since he’d arrived in this insane world, he could actually see everything laid out clearly.

Sam stared at his status sheet for a long moment, absorbing the information. "Lucky Ass, Butt of Shadows... Jesus, what kind of cursed existence is this?"

"Your best one yet," Glitch chimed in with a cackle. "I’ve never seen a stat sheet so beautifully absurd. It’s almost poetic."

Sam swiped the status sheet away, muttering to himself, "This is gonna be a long-ass journey..."