Glitch Slapped

Sam Walker stood in the field of ruined Trorc corpses, panting like a goddamn dog. The air around him reeked of burnt flesh, wet dirt, and the metallic tang of blood. His entire body felt like it had been put through a blender and slapped back together by someone who didn’t know where any of the pieces were supposed to go. Every muscle in his body screamed, and yet there was something worse gnawing at him.

It wasn’t the exhaustion. It wasn’t even the searing pain in his side where one of those glitchy bastards had nearly disemboweled him.

No, it was the flashing LEVEL UP notification in front of his eyes, practically mocking him.

LEVEL 7 ACHIEVED!

Normally, leveling up would have felt like sweet, sweet validation after a battle this messed up. But this time, something was off. The notification flickered erratically in the corner of his vision, the numbers next to his stats dancing in a way that made his stomach twist. Then he saw it—the insult. The kick in the nuts after all his hard work.

STAT POINTS AVAILABLE: 20

“Twenty points?” Sam muttered, his voice drenched in disbelief. “What the actual fuck?”

He’d just leveled up four times, and instead of the glorious bounty of 60 points he deserved, the world had decided to give him a measly five points per level.

“That can’t be right,” he grumbled, swiping at the flickering HUD in frustration. But no matter how many times he refreshed, no matter how hard he blinked, the glitch remained. He was stuck with twenty points. And it wasn’t just a glitch—it was a cosmic-level screw job.

“Oh no, sweetheart,” came the smug voice of Glitch, his sentient inventory bag. “Looks like someone’s getting nerfed.”

“Fuck off, Glitch,” Sam snapped, his temper flaring.

“I mean, you did kind of bumble your way through the last fight,” Glitch continued, sounding way too pleased with himself. “Maybe the universe is trying to tell you something.”

“Yeah, like go fuck yourself,” Sam growled, swiping his hand through the air to open his stat screen. He was still pissed off, but there was nothing he could do about the glitch now. With a sigh, he focused on his points allocation.

________

SAM WALKER – ASS-ASS-IN

LEVEL 7

STRENGTH: 18

DEXTERITY: 20

CONSTITUTION: 14

INTELLIGENCE: Enough to know I’m screwed.

LUCK: 13

STAT POINTS AVAILABLE: 20

________

He stared at the numbers, debating where to put his points. After the chaos of that last fight, speed and luck seemed like his best bet for staying alive. With a grunt of irritation, he started distributing his points: 10 into Dexterity and 10 into Luck. He needed to move faster, dodge harder, and hopefully avoid another ass-kicking like today.

________

SAM WALKER – ASS-ASS-IN

LEVEL 7

STRENGTH: 18

DEXTERITY: 30

CONSTITUTION: 14

INTELLIGENCE: Still screwed.

LUCK: 23

________

Sam scrolled through his stat screen, eyes narrowing as he examined the skills that had been updated and the ones that seemed... new, in a horrifying kind of way. The flickering HUD kept stuttering, but eventually, his list of abilities stabilized enough for him to read.

__________

Back-Side Stab (Upgraded):

Type: Attack

Effect: Sam can now land even more devastating strikes on enemies from behind, targeting an even more humiliating spot.

Damage: 50–75 (Fluctuates depending on enemy's awareness)

Special Effect: 20% chance to increase enemy's morale debuff by 15% due to embarrassment

Bonus Effect: Critical hit chance increases by 10% when targeting enemies unaware of Sam's presence.

Butt of Shadows (Upgraded):

Type: Stealth

Effect: Sam turns almost entirely invisible, except for his highly visible, glowing rear end. The invisibility duration is extended.

Duration: 60 seconds

Special Effect: 5% chance to completely hide even the glowing butt, but there's a 15% chance it will glow brighter during critical moments.

Bonus Effect: 10% increase in stealth success rate when crouching.

Meh, Close Enough (Upgraded):

Type: Area Attack

Effect: With a now-wider attack radius, Sam’s wild swings can hit nearby enemies (and potentially allies).

Range: 10 feet

Special Effect: 30% chance of hitting unintended targets

Bonus Effect: 15% chance of stunning all nearby targets, friend or foe, for 2 seconds due to sheer chaos.

Shadow Shift (New):

Type: Teleport

Effect: Sam teleports behind an enemy, but the process is unpredictable. Sometimes he arrives several feet away or halfway inside a wall.

Success Rate: 75%

Special Effect: 10% chance Sam gets stuck inside an object for 3 seconds, leaving him vulnerable.

Bonus Effect: Critical strike damage increases by 20% when successfully appearing directly behind the target.

Lucky Ass (Upgraded):

Type: Evasion

Effect: Sam's dodging ability improves dramatically due to clumsy luck. He often dodges attacks by falling or tripping.

Dodge Chance: 50%

Special Effect: 25% chance enemies trip or fall while attacking him.

Bonus Effect: Dodging causes enemies to suffer a 5% defense debuff for 5 seconds due to disorientation.

Taint Blinder (New):

Type: Stun

Effect: Activated by Sam’s "I Heart Hairy Taints" tattoo, he releases a blinding flash from his hand.

Range: 15 feet

Effect Duration: 4 seconds

Special Effect: Sam must shout variations of "I love hairy taints!" for the effect to activate.

Bonus Effect: A 10% chance that the blinding flash also reduces enemy accuracy by 20% for 6 seconds.

__________

Sam rubbed his temples, staring at the absurd list of abilities on his HUD. The newly updated skills were as ridiculous as ever, but now with an extra dose of mortifying humiliation. He sighed and scrolled through them again, the flickering interface barely keeping it together long enough to let him absorb the details.

“Great. Just what I needed,” Sam muttered. “More ass-based attacks and the chance to get stuck in a wall. Fucking fantastic.”

Glitch, hanging lazily at his side, chimed in, sounding way too cheerful for the moment. “You’re really growing into your role, Sam. Soon, you’ll be the stuff of legend. Not because you’re good, mind you, but because you’re the walking definition of ‘shit luck.’ I mean, who else can dodge by tripping and still come out on top?”

“Yeah, well, if I wanted to be remembered for anything, it wasn’t my glowing ass or shouting about loving hairy taints.” Sam scrolled to his newest skill, Taint Blinder, and groaned. “This world is really trying to break me, isn’t it?”

Glitch burst out laughing, wheezing with amusement. “Oh, it’s doing more than trying—it’s succeeding. But come on, Sam, you gotta admit it’s hilarious. You’re the first guy in history to turn a tramp stamp into a weapon of mass embarrassment. Own it, baby.”

Sam shook his head in disbelief. “I don’t want to own shit. Weaponizing my taint tattoo... yeah, that’s what I always dreamed of.”

Glitch snickered louder. “And you thought the worst thing about it would be explaining it to a potential date. Now you get to scream ‘I love licking hairy taints!’ in the middle of a battle. Iconic.”

Sam’s eye twitched. “I swear to all that’s holy, if I didn’t have to yell that to make the skill work, I’d be fine. But noooo. The world’s gotta glitch my mouth too.”

“Well, you do sound pretty convincing,” Glitch teased. “I almost believe you mean it.”

Sam rolled his eyes. “If I start liking it, feel free to put me out of my misery.”

Before Sam could spiral further into taint-based despair, Trinket strolled up, her fox-like grin plastered across her face. She was all swagger, hips swaying with that signature “I-just-kicked-ass” confidence. Her gear was in even worse shape than Sam's, her armor hanging together by sheer stubbornness and a few glitchy pixels.

“Well, look who finally decided to join the ranks of the useful,” Trinket teased, giving Sam a mock salute. “Level 7, huh? That’s cute. I remember my first time hitting 7. It was back when the game wasn’t trying to actively delete my existence.”

Sam managed a cocky smirk despite the chaos in his head. “Cute? You’re just jealous. Besides, I’m handling this world like a goddamn legend. Or didn’t you see my taint-blasting skills?”

Trinket raised an eyebrow, clearly amused but also somewhat horrified. “Your what?”

“Oh yeah,” Glitch interjected gleefully. “Sam’s rocking the most powerful taint in the land. Blinding enemies, dropping pants, you name it.”

Trinket blinked in disbelief, then burst out laughing. “You’re fucking kidding me.”

“I wish,” Sam muttered, the irritation returning. “But no, this glitchy-ass world decided that I should be the bearer of the mighty ‘I love hairy taints’ battle cry.”

Trinket wiped a tear from her eye. “Oh, I have to see that in action. What else did you get? Ass-stealth?”

Sam shot her a look. “Yeah, yeah. But enough about me. What’s your deal with the sultry dialogue during fights? I mean, ‘let me soothe your throbbing wound’? What class are you even playing?”

Her smirk faltered, her face turning bright red. “I—I don’t control what comes out during the spells, okay? The world is broken, remember? It’s not my fault!”

Glitch, not missing a beat, added, “Yeah, sure, Trinket. But seriously, what are you? Because whatever you’re casting out there sounds like you’re narrating the world’s worst erotic novel.”

Sam grinned wickedly. “I thought you were going to offer the last Trorc a sensual massage before you sliced his head off.”

Trinket groaned, burying her face in her hands. “Oh my god, shut up. I’m a Hexual Healer, okay?”

Both Sam and Glitch froze for a second, then erupted into laughter.

“You’ve gotta be shitting me,” Sam managed between fits of laughter. “That’s a real class? No wonder your healing spells sound like bad pickup lines!”

Trinket’s eyes narrowed, though her embarrassment was obvious. “Yes! It’s a real class! And I can’t help that it sounds like I’m trying to seduce my enemies. That’s just the glitch!”

Sam leaned back, grinning ear to ear. “Honestly? I love it. You’re basically a walking wet dream with a side of murder. It’s amazing.”

Trinket looked like she wanted to disappear, but Glitch only made it worse. “Forget healing. You should go full-on ‘adult entertainment healer.’ Make bank.”

“Fuck both of you,” she muttered, though the corner of her lips twitched in amusement.

“Hey,” Sam said, putting a hand to his chest. “I’ve got an entire crowd of enemies blinded by the power of my tattoo. I know humiliation.”

“Humiliation?” Glitch snorted. “You’ve transcended that, my friend. You’ve reached ‘legendary douchebag.’”

Sam rolled his eyes but couldn’t help the grin spreading across his face.

Suddenly, Loop’s familiar voice cut through the laughter. “Do... you... quest?” Loop’s voice was barely a whisper, as if the words themselves weighed him down. He lay face-first on the ground, armor scuffed and glitching, his body still twitching sporadically.

Sam groaned. “Oh shit, Loop’s still alive?”

He nudged the tank with his boot. “Uh, hey, Loop? You still with us, buddy?”

Loop’s head lifted slightly, his eyes half-closed as he repeated his line. “...you… you…. quest?”

Before anyone could respond, a shrill voice cut through the air like nails on a chalkboard. “Oh, for heaven’s sake, would you guys hurry it up? This is taking forever!” Karen stomped into view, hands on her hips, eyes narrowed in her usual look of disapproval. “I swear, men are useless. What’s the point of having a tank if he’s just going to lie there like a sack of potatoes?”

Sam rolled his eyes. “Great, just what we needed—Karen.”

“Oh, don’t get all huffy with me,” she snapped, folding her arms. “Maybe if you did your job right, Loop wouldn’t be lying here, looking like a steamrolled can of spam.”

Loop mumbled again, almost inaudibly. “Do... you... quest?”

“Yeah, Loop,” Sam replied dryly. “That’s what we’re here for—good ol’ questing.”

Karen scoffed. “Oh, please. We’re not here for ‘questing.’ We’re here to survive. And apparently, I’m the only one competent enough to remember that.”

Sam leaned down, attempting to lift Loop’s arm over his shoulder. “You know, Karen, you could help instead of standing there bitching about it.”

She made a face like he’d just suggested she kiss a Trorc. “Me? Touch all that sweaty, glitchy metal? Do I look like I want to smell like rust and regret?”

Trinket snickered, nudging Sam as she moved in to help. “Come on, Karen. Think of it as... team bonding.”

Karen scoffed louder. “Please, I’m here to keep you guys from screwing up. If I did ‘team bonding,’ none of you would be around long enough to appreciate it.”

Together, Sam and Trinket managed to hoist Loop’s glitch-twitching body to a standing position. He swayed unsteadily, his eyes still half-glazed.

“Do… you... quest?” he repeated, his tone sounding more tragic with each iteration.

Karen threw her hands up. “Will someone please shut him up? We get it, Loop. You want to quest. Well, guess what? You’ve done enough for today.” They all stopped and looked at Karen, who for once, was not being… well… a Karen.

As they began the trek back to the Drunken Misfit, Karen trailed behind them, her voice carrying over their heads. “If you’d all just listened to me, we wouldn’t be dragging his glitchy ass across the entire field. But no, you had to play hero.”

Sam gritted his teeth, fighting the urge to drop Loop and leave Karen to her tirade. “Karen, we’re trying to get back to the Misfit. Either pitch in or go complain to someone else. Either way, stop being a super cunt.”

“Oh, look at you, acting like you’re all in charge. Just because you leveled up doesn’t mean you’re the king of this circus.”

Glitch couldn’t hold back his laughter. “She’s got a point, Sam. Maybe we should just leave him here for Karen to deal with?”

Karen’s eyes narrowed, her expression more menacing than a Trorc ready to attack. “If you drop him now, I’ll make sure you regret it.”

Sam rolled his eyes, the weight of Loop nearly buckling his knees. “Oh, yeah? How’s that?”

She stepped closer, an icy glare fixed on Sam. “You know that little stash of ‘special’ healing potions I keep under the bar at the Misfit?”

Sam’s eyes widened. “Wait, the ones that actually work? You’d cut us off?”

Her smirk was pure evil. “You bet your sorry ass I would.”

Glitch seized the opening with a gleeful cackle. “Oh-ho! Did someone say ‘ass?’ Sam, this is practically your mating call! Tell me, does this mean Karen’s acknowledging your ‘Ass-Ass-In’ legacy?” He snickered. “Face it, you’re just one ‘sorry ass’ away from true love at this point.”

Sam looked down at his pouch and shot him a murderous look. “One more word, Glitch…..”

“Oh, please. You’d be nothing without me,” Glitch sneered. “Who else is going to keep track of every ass-related skill in that freakshow stat screen of yours?”

Trinket, laughing despite the weight of Loop between them, whispered, “He’s not wrong, Sam. And Karen’s not joking, you know. I’ve seen her pull rank for less.”

With a groan, Sam adjusted his grip on Loop and nodded. “Fine. But if he glitches out again, Karen, you’re taking over.”

Karen flashed him a condescending smile. “If that happens, I’ll have to show you all how a real leader handles things. Someone’s got to keep this team together.”

“Yeah, because nagging us half to death is such a great leadership strategy,” Sam muttered under his breath.

Karen continued her rant, either ignoring Sam’s sarcasm or oblivious to it. “I don’t know why I have to be the responsible one, really. All I wanted was a peaceful life, maybe a vacation somewhere nice, but no. Instead, I’m dragging glitch-ridden, unwashed tanks back to the Misfit.”

Loop’s body twitched as he stumbled forward, the weight of him nearly crushing Sam and Trinket. He murmured again in that monotone, “.....quest…?”

Karen groaned, dramatically rolling her eyes. “For the last time, yes, we’re questing, Loop! Now, can we get moving, or would you like a monologue from your inner thoughts too?”

After what felt like forever, Sam and Trinket dragged a twitching Loop into the Drunken Misfit, practically dropping him into a chair. Across the room, Eli, S, and Lance were already propped at the bar with full drinks and grins, looking like they owned the place.

“Are you kidding me?” Trinket snapped, glaring daggers at the trio. “We’re hauling Loop’s broken ass across town, and you’re just… sitting here?”

Eli lifted his glass with a grin. “Quality control, babe. We’re doing you a favor. Bar’s questionable at best.”

Karen shot back, her eyes blazing. “We’re practically dead, and you three are ‘testing’ drinks?”

Lance took a refined sip. “Practicality is key, darling. Besides, you seem more than capable of handling heavy lifting.”

Glitch snickered from Sam’s belt pouch. “Oh, this is rich. Sam, sweetheart, brace yourself—these guys could drive a saint to drink.”

Sam groaned, slumping into a chair as Karen snapped her fingers at the barkeep. “Strongest drink you’ve got. And this place is a goddamn mess—clean it up before I lose my mind.”

The barkeep, entirely unbothered, poured her something that looked (and smelled) like sludge. S raised his glass at Sam with a lazy grin. “Looks like you got the honor of initiation. Cheers to team bonding.”

“Bonding?” Karen scoffed, downing her drink. “Bonding with this bunch means surviving a day without strangling someone.”

Loop lifted his head, his voice barely a murmur. “Do… you… quest?”

Sam buried his face in his hands. “Not now, Loop. Just... not now.”